I am my own worst enemy, selling everything to move to the sea

Hi guys, sorry I have been quiet, life took a few turns.

So I had to close down my business in November, my health had deteriorated working 20 hour days 7 days a week to the point I could not function. Now I have quarter of a million pound debt over my head.

So I spent xmas in hospital paralysed. I was stressed, it's called hypokalimic periodic paralysis.

Few weeks ago i tried to generate an income as my health declined, and instead of generating an income under the new uk system they penalised me for being self employed... and reduced my help by £400 meaning I can no longer reside In my tent in the garden, as a matter if a fact it means that both myself and my ex have to move out of the house separately (she has cared for me for 6 years and had enough and I agreed that staying with me was not good for her)

This caused me to have a total mental breakdown, police called to check on me, now have daily visits from the local crisis mental health team, resulting in my ability to see my problems, issues, gremlins or what ever we can call them!

I have spent 13 years doing this:
1. Find a problem (if you cant find a problem make one)
2. Put your blinkers on focus on problem nothing else matters
3. Problem solved, repeat step 1 until either mentally unstable, or total exhaustion. When recovered, step 1.

I was diagnosed with dissociative amnesia, ptsd, anxiety, and childhood issues 5 years ago. But 123 helped me avoid that..

Until now.

I am now fully aware of the damage I have done to friends and loved ones now. And I look back at things I have done, to realise I have made some huge mistakes, and created problems to avoid dealing with my gremlins.

I now have no choice, but to sell everything, buy the best boat I can afford (not as plush as it sounds trust me)  and leave near enough to the mental health services that I can get the help I have desperately needed for 13 years..

The uk government does not support veterans. The uk charities that do are overwhelmed and my honest belief is that they will not be able to house me in time.

As a grown man, I haven't cried for years, now I spend my days selling my stuff for 1/4 of it's worth, with a constant trembling lower lip.

I'm at Rock bottom folks. But I'm still trying.. I almost gave up, and again, this forum and a post about autoimmune popped up.!!  Same as my first ever pie!  And I realised that even separated by oceans and mountains, there are a group of kind helpful people on this forum and I can feel the community when I'm reading on here, what you have here is special and I am grateful to be part of it!

I dont know how much I will be able to contribute over the next few weeks as i am exhausted and heavily medicated and have a monumental task ahead if me.

I think I needed to get that off my chest thank you for reading this, even just a "like" or a short message of inspiration will mean the world to me right now, I will soon have nothing but the clothes on my back. And some basic tools, and that feels good!

This is just a thank you, for being kind people!

Thank you for the pie and apples and the kind messages, I cant work out how to reply, but i am here of you ever want a out of the box thinking or just someone to listen!

Toby it sounds like you are embarking on more than one kind of journey and I wish you happiness and peace as you find your path and chart your new course for life. May I suggest the book Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin.

James Freyr wrote:Toby it sounds like you are embarking on more than one kind of journey and I wish you happiness and peace as you find your path and chart your new course for life. May I suggest the book Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin.

Thank you! I will look it up, sounds like a good one just from the title!

hi Toby, wishing you much happiness and good health

I have this Wendell Berry quote on my wall, it has always felt reassuring...

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
we have come to our real work
and when we no longer know which way to go,
we have begun our real journey."


I think he's on to something!

Judith Browning wrote:hi Toby, wishing you much happiness and good health

I have this Wendell Berry quote on my wall, it has always felt reassuring...

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
we have come to our real work
and when we no longer know which way to go,
we have begun our real journey."


I think he's on to something!

Yes I like this!!

Thank you so much!

Hi Toby - I live in UK too (sometimes I call it yuk!).  I can appreciate how callous our government can be e.g. cruel new limitations placed on benefits for those authentically disabled.

You have clearly come through a collosal amount and my heart goes out to you to be reduced to your current situation. It's beyond heartbreaking and yet shows you are probably made of stronger stuff than you realise!  I wouldn't be so hard on yourself e.g. 'I am my own worst enemy' since you describe various conditions that you have...not all your fault is it?  Also it seems that you have seen more clearly what your mistakes were so this implies lessons learnt.

Whilst downsizing can be advantageous, making you feel less burdened, in your case it sounds like 'needs must' but I commend you for saying 'I will soon have nothing but the clothes on my back. And some basic tools, and that feels good!'  (I was street homeless, in my youth, but I was in love so I felt I had everything and nothing!)

You say you want to buy a boat and move to the sea so you plan to live on this boat?  If so, do you have experience with this at all?  Have you done your research, e.g. do you have somewhere in mind?   With the recent storms e.g. Ciara and Dennis even the sea can be problematic/stormy so my concern is how feasible/practical your plan is and whether your health is robust enough to cope.  Wouldn't you be better off with a tent on some deserted ground or hidden in deep woodland somewhere?  At least with the ever growing number of foodbanks (thanks to the botched roll out of our universal credit) you should at least not go hungry and you sound like you are on a waiting list to be rehoused....I sincerely hope that this will be sooner than you think!

Sending you a big hug.....

🌈

Amy Francis wrote:Hi Toby - I live in UK too (sometimes I call it yuk!).  I can appreciate how callous our government can be e.g. cruel new limitations placed on benefits for those authentically disabled.

You have clearly come through a collosal amount and my heart goes out to you to be reduced to your current situation. It's beyond heartbreaking and yet shows you are probably made of stronger stuff than you realise!  I wouldn't be so hard on yourself e.g. 'I am my own worst enemy' since you describe various conditions that you have...not all your fault is it?  Also it seems that you have seen more clearly what your mistakes were so this implies lessons learnt.

Whilst downsizing can be advantageous, making you feel less burdened, in your case it sounds like 'needs must' but I commend you for saying 'I will soon have nothing but the clothes on my back. And some basic tools, and that feels good!'  (I was street homeless, in my youth, but I was in love so I felt I had everything and nothing!)

You say you want to buy a boat and move to the sea so you plan to live on this boat?  If so, do you have experience with this at all?  Have you done your research, e.g. do you have somewhere in mind?   With the recent storms e.g. Ciara and Dennis even the sea can be problematic/stormy so my concern is how feasible/practical your plan is and whether your health is robust enough to cope.  Wouldn't you be better off with a tent on some deserted ground or hidden in deep woodland somewhere?  At least with the ever growing number of foodbanks (thanks to the botched roll out of our universal credit) you should at least not go hungry and you sound like you are on a waiting list to be rehoused....I sincerely hope that this will be sooner than you think!

Sending you a big hug.....

🌈

Hi Amy!

Thank you for such a lovely post!
I will do my best to answer all your questions!

I think the statement "I am my own worst enemy"  is to remind myself that I am not aware of 123 when it happens. I am learning to be. But that will take time!

I was also on the streets as a kid, I was not in love though:) that sounds like a tough but lovely time!
Small world full of amazing story's!

As a young lad I lived on a sailboat with my family, so i know the ways workings, I need to brush up a bit (especially on chart reading) as I found that boring as a youngster haha how I wish I had paid attention!

I have found multiple marinas that I am in communication with about my situation, and so far it seems that I will be able to dock there if the weather turns nasty, so it's a simple case of keep an eye on weather and plan accordingly "like a good skipper"
And i am buying a blue water capable boat. Old and sturdy, heavy and slow. But reliable to boot!

I tried the tent, it became apparent that my only safe place would be Scotland, the uk people are spooked by people with backpacks asking to pitch a tent for a night, and I had more bad experiences than good, I was invested emotionally in the idea of travelling by foot being ex infantry, walking is one thing I'm good at! Energy levels permitting.

I have spent today discussing the housing options, and the only housing I am entitled to is shared accommodation, and the rate they offer it most certainly wont be the nice end of town. I need space and quiet for most of the day most days when I am well, let alone when I'm feeling like this.... I appreciate your concern I really do!

I am in a position where I can choose to go in 2 directions, housi g or boat. The boat is mine, it cant be taken away by the government deciding to sanction me for totally irrelevant reasons. The housing they can.

I see being away from land and all the stress that being part of the day to day rat race will only do me good. And limit my stress because apart from mother nature I am in control of my life,  when i was 16 and a half the army promised to help me travel the world.
They didn't tell me that when I came back it would be  colourless, loveless and painful.

I have lived in Van's, cars, greenhouses, tents, and boats, and being at sea gives you a sort of peace you cant imagine until your there!

Maybe one day you will come out to sea with me and see what I mean, the stars are different, the world seems calmer out there!

Yes UC is a total mess, but part of my drive to get better, is to organise all of the small groups of protesters to build a petition with so many signatures that it will drown out the nonsense and get something sorted, the suicide rate is almost at a 1/3rd compared to veterans from afghanistan committing suicide, that's a warzone trauma compared with a benefit system....

Anyway back off my soap box!

Sorry if I went on one a bit, I have been let down 3 times in less than a month buy the country that I signed a blank check for my life too. Right when I needed it.


Returning the big hug! And thank you for caring so much!

So sad to read your story, but your decision to live on a boat sounds so romantic! Maybe you could build an island around it from plastic bottles and grow plants on it, and make a solar cooker and catch beautiful fish, and decorate the boat with dream catchers and have lop rabbits living in there with you and you'll be a tourist attraction selling tickets ;)
Just joking to cheer you up!

Flora Eerschay wrote:So sad to read your story, but your decision to live on a boat sounds so romantic! Maybe you could build an island around it from plastic bottles and grow plants on it, and make a solar cooker and catch beautiful fish, and decorate the boat with dream catchers and have lop rabbits living in there with you and you'll be a tourist attraction selling tickets ;)
Just joking to cheer you up!

I had never thought of it as romantic until you mentioned it! I suppose it is!

Is it mad, that for a second I thought it might actually work? Can you imagine a better world? Where the expansion of the "island" was done by collecting sea trash, and as it grew more like minded people joined to create a massive commune of happy people!

I realised it was to cheer me up when you got to the rabbits 😂😂

I am looking into preserving fish, as if I catch a few one day I'd rather "keep" them for the next day

Thank you for your happy message:)

Hi again Toby - thanks for your explanatory reply.  Pleased to learn that your sea mission has er...legs!  (sea legs??) re. practical past experience and that you know what kind of boat will best serve you.  Good to read that you are not too alone i.e. have 'multiple marinas' that you are in contact with and that can help you out re. mooring.  Yes I can understand the peace of mind (and independence) that comes through having your own boat that cannot be taken from you i.e. security.

I fully appreciate the draw of the expansive horizon ... space to breathe .... and I envy you with your chosen future lifestyle (although I am a contented semi-recluse which is my own way of having 'space'!)   I am sure too that the night sky there will be more starry, being less polluted.  Speaking of which (just mentioning it, in case it's helpful), I find that if ever I get too entrenched with my own problems, just one look up at the night sky puts it all instantly into perspective!!!  Gratitude and a sense of humour help too e.g. balancing the negativity by acknowledging little glimmers of joy that can be found in the day....even if it's only that we still have the gift of life itself!

Good luck Toby

https://media.giphy.com/media/OojQx4M3zYUOk/giphy.gif

Amy Francis wrote:Hi again Toby - thanks for your explanatory reply.  Pleased to learn that your sea mission has er...legs!  (sea legs??) re. practical past experience and that you know what kind of boat will best serve you.  Good to read that you are not too alone i.e. have 'multiple marinas' that you are in contact with and that can help you out re. mooring.  Yes I can understand the peace of mind (and independence) that comes through having your own boat that cannot be taken from you i.e. security.

I fully appreciate the draw of the expansive horizon ... space to breathe .... and I envy you with your chosen future lifestyle (although I am a contented semi-recluse which is my own way of having 'space'!)   I am sure too that the night sky there will be more starry, being less polluted.  Speaking of which (just mentioning it, in case it's helpful), I find that if ever I get too entrenched with my own problems, just one look up at the night sky puts it all instantly into perspective!!!  Gratitude and a sense of humour help too e.g. balancing the negativity by acknowledging little glimmers of joy that can be found in the day....even if it's only that we still have the gift of life itself!

Good luck Toby

https://media.giphy.com/media/OojQx4M3zYUOk/giphy.gif

I love the cat hahahahaha

I have found more little glimmers of happiness today than I have for a long time, i love the permies community!

Sea legs had me almost falling of my chair hahahaha

Your space sounds lovely!

I watched a film the other day, the guy kept saying look up, we as a society only ever look down and we miss everything above us!

I will look up more often :)

Thank you for the luck :) I'll keep everyone posted!

Hang in there Toby - you'll get through this and be stronger for it.  Sounds like you are on the right path toward healing, running a business is one of the most stressful things you can take on.
It must be tough right now, but downsizing should help you immensely.

Be sure to treat yourself daily, whether it's a stroll through the park or maybe playing with a dog or simply taking a hot bath or shower.
Exercise & fresh air are also very theraputic. I'd also recommend a finding a hobby that you enjoy ...from your other post - sounds like your taking up fishing, that is a great choice!

Try to avoid the news if at all possible.

Maybe try aromatherpy or listening to soothing music.  
Something like this may help clear your mind:

Pete Podurgiel wrote:Hang in there Toby - you'll get through this and be stronger for it.  Sounds like you are on the right path toward healing, running a business is one of the most stressful things you can take on.
It must be tough right now, but downsizing should help you immensely.

Be sure to treat yourself daily, whether it's a stroll through the park or maybe playing with a dog or simply taking a hot bath or shower.
Exercise & fresh air are also very theraputic. I'd also recommend a finding a hobby that you enjoy ...from your other post - sounds like your taking up fishing, that is a great choice!

Try to avoid the news if at all possible.

Maybe try aromatherpy or listening to soothing music.  
Something like this may help clear your mind:

Thank you pete!

Yes I am probably not treating myself weekly let alone daily. I will try that out, it's amazing how things like eating, personal hygiene and such all become irrelevant when you are depressed and down, on the flip side, it's amazing what such wonderful posts can do to brighten your day!

I have been staring out into the garden all day feeling glum, but I'm feeling a bit better so I am getting some of my todo list done!

Thanks for the links, I will have a listen later on

well, at least you seem to be waxing poetic about your situ =) good title OP =)

anywho, when i was in your boat figuratively, i did live at several marinas, and it was the most comfortable i ever was being nomadic/homeless...only i lived out of a small van in the marina lots.
no one ever tripped on me camped out in the van sweet home in the marina parking lots in the smaller towns....

showers, laundry facilities, coffee in the morning, and in those days - public telephones/internet...

also i did briefly live on a friend's boat, for free, and for quite a while most of s spring and summer.... but i would only suggest it in a calm port. i definitely rather be in a tent/ van / camper shell, a shed/tiny house, glamping spot in your friends backyard =)

Toby Winston wrote:

Flora Eerschay wrote:So sad to read your story, but your decision to live on a boat sounds so romantic! Maybe you could build an island around it from plastic bottles and grow plants on it, and make a solar cooker and catch beautiful fish, and decorate the boat with dream catchers and have lop rabbits living in there with you and you'll be a tourist attraction selling tickets ;)
Just joking to cheer you up!

I had never thought of it as romantic until you mentioned it! I suppose it is!

Is it mad, that for a second I thought it might actually work? Can you imagine a better world? Where the expansion of the "island" was done by collecting sea trash, and as it grew more like minded people joined to create a massive commune of happy people!

I realised it was to cheer me up when you got to the rabbits 😂😂

I am looking into preserving fish, as if I catch a few one day I'd rather "keep" them for the next day

Thank you for your happy message:)

Maybe someone posted this link already and I missed it?  Anything is possible.  

Good luck on your journey, brother.

Toby, you have a lot to deal with but it sounds like you have a plan!! I wish you the best and also encourage you to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

(and welcome to Permies. You come here talking about a boat and we suggest you build and populate an island of your own.... but should you decide to do so, we're the people who can help you with your sunflowers/rabbits/rocket stove.)  

Toby Winston wrote:Is it mad, that for a second I thought it might actually work? Can you imagine a better world? Where the expansion of the "island" was done by collecting sea trash, and as it grew more like minded people joined to create a massive commune of happy people!

Have you seen this?



Also, maybe you could still own some land in some remote area? I read in Tove Jansson's biography, that her dream was to have her own island, and she did, eventually, a small rocky island in the cold nordic sea. She lived there with her partner Tuuliki Pietila, and a cat. They were catching fish for the cat and she only knew how to grow potatoes. She eventually died to a heart attack while tending to those potatoes. But they had many happy moments there! One of their favourite entertainments was filming and photographing storms, which were super strong there, sometimes almost destroying their little hut. But they just took out a camera, all excited to see the storm!

I realised it was to cheer me up when you got to the rabbits 😂😂

Haha, actually, I was at the vets with my dog earlier today, to vaccinate him, and as we entered there was a little black lop rabbit jumping around the seats. Owner was talking at the desk. When my dog (who is a lurcher and ex poacher, adopted from shelter) looked at the rabbit, I saw him thinking: "NOW I brings home food for the family! They eat rabbit today! I'm a good doggo!". Fortunately the rabbit owner took her pet just in time ;-) to make it worse, I was actually thinking something similar! As I was recently deep into the ethics of eating meat, raising farm animals, etc, methods of stunning and processing various critters, and which I could possibly do myself, rabbit was high on my list of "doable animal harvests" :D
Then when the vet was examining my dog I was thinking if she's a vegetarian, a vegan, or perhaps omnivore, or one of those vets who give permissions for animal to be slaughtered for human consumption...
Perhaps I'm overthinking this recently XD

Also, I had a beautiful walk back from the vets, in between a horse pasture and a lake, which I didn't know existed. There was a beautiful sunset on the lake. Now I imagine that you'll see lots of such sunsets from your boat!

And thanks Pete for the soothing music - I have some wool to spin, so I'll listen to it too!

P.S. I realised too late that both Joshua and I posted the link to the floating island ;D so I'll just leave it!

i've definitely heard that idea quite a few times...the thing about making a floating island of plastic waste in the ocean...then building on top and having it be free land for everyone island.

one of the weird bonus quirks of this would be absolute freedom from any state, nation or country, as the water has no jurisdiction.

and the other big thing about this idea, is that this already exist. there is an enormous garbage gyre /garbage patch in the ocean thats only getting bigger and bigger, where all the trash in the ocean and huge epic amount of plastic soda bottles are floating around, all pushed into the same space by the way the global currants move. so the suggestion is to melt all this stuff together and turn it into a huge garbage plastic base...to then build a land mass on top of and have it be a floating island.

https://www.fastcompany.com/1614864/paradise-recycled-architects-dream-turning-great-pacific-garbage-patch-habitable-island

on a way more traditional and organic style theres this --->

https://www.amusingplanet.com/2011/10/floating-islands-of-lake-titicaca.html

Once you are settled, you need a pet, but I get that financially that could be tough. Contact the local dog rescue/shelter and volunteer or get a foster - K9 therapy!

A dog will NEED you, love you, make you feel valuable, ensure you GET up, and GET out. A dog can be a bridge for new friendship with others, and be the best therapy and medicine you can get!

("dog" can be replaced with any living creature you feel comfortable with: bird, rat, snake, whatever).

I know it's tough right now, but I suspect, when you look back, this will be the turning point for when your life changed for the better. Turn the page, open the new chapter and learn to embrace, not fight, change. Good Luck!

Tereza Okava wrote:Toby, you have a lot to deal with but it sounds like you have a plan!! I wish you the best and also encourage you to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

(and welcome to Permies. You come here talking about a boat and we suggest you build and populate an island of your own.... but should you decide to do so, we're the people who can help you with your sunflowers/rabbits/rocket stove.)  

Haha and how to recycle the bottles into useable bricks!! I mean with all the thinkers on here it might be possible!!

Thank you, I am trying to be kind to myself!

Sorry for the lacking replies guys and gals, feeling a bit down.... thought I was starting something that could help me and got a load of abuse for it....

Hey guys,

Little update,  have been selling stuff as fast as I can, it's starting to sink in the reality that I am going to be truly free of the modern constraints!! And it feels wonderful!

It does appear that my gofundme is a non starter, but that's ok! I'm pushing myself hard to sell things, listing them just a bit more expensively than I feel is cheap and being pleasantly surprised....

Transport is a major pain, all the boats I'm viewing seem to be the other end of the country and not being able to drive is just a pain!

Bit I'm doing better and I still go back over your kind words as they make me smile :)

Hugs!

leila hamaya wrote:
one of the weird bonus quirks of this would be absolute freedom from any state, nation or country, as the water has no jurisdiction.

This is true if your home made island is in international waters.

Check into the country of Sealand.

Hello there....you sound coherent in spite of being heavily medicated. my husband has bipolar disorder and when he was heavily medicated he would not have been able to write a letter such as yours. No one can solve your problems better than yourself and it sounds like you have a plan. I have found that our species is amazingly resilient. In spite of the most horrendous circumstances. I'm betting that you will come through the rabbit hole.

Thank you!

Yes I am adjusting the medication slowly to get the optimum reduction of giving a f÷@k allowing me to focus without being in too much pain... it's a balancing act....

I have never been good at quitting, normally it's to my own detriment, but this time I think its helping!

Think I have found my boat, now just waiting on the sale of my landrover (in for mot today) to see what it makes!

Thank you everyone for your support!

Much love

Just wanted to say, thank you everyone that posted,

I read this on a regular ish basis makes me feel less glum!


Landrover passed its mot!

Few little niggles I need to resolve before I can sell it but nothing much to worry about!

The boat I had originally wanted is under offer and has been for some time, but I found a slightly bigger boat, ketch rigged, and importantly has had new engine sails and rigging, so it will hopefully be worry free (to the point that boats are anyway) for a while!

My biggest worry is the time left, I find myself daydreaming, or day stressing.... still trying to get past it, sea shanties help! Haha

Sending lots of hugs and love

Toby

Toby, I wish you the best!  My brother in law did something similar to what you are doing back in 1985. He has never looked back. He has been around the world at least once.  Our daughter and her husband have joined him for several vacations to the Bahamas.  They learned scuba diving from him and also how to sail a boat.

I am sure you will have lots of fun.