Marriage struggles

Just wanted to post an update for all of you who have helped me through this! Our relationship has improved significantly and in a relatively short amount of time. There are multiple variables, so we cant be totally sure what the improvement stemmed from but we’re thinking it was mostly mold… We have been redoing our bathroom all summer and discovered that basically the bottom half of the tub/shower alcove was completely mold ridden. Like from the waste down on all 3 walls was rotten and moldy behind the tiles. Once I removed all the moldy drywall the house immediately started smelling better and our clothes dont smell musty anymore. Shes been sleeping much better which improves pretty much all aspects of life and our relationship. She’s also had less tension in her neck and shoulders and is just overall more calm and kind. She’s been helpful, productive, happier and just way more pleasant to be around. We actually like eachother again! Its been a huge weight off of my shoulders which makes me a better person as well.

Like I said, there are other factors so its impossible to know for sure what the big fix was. And its only been a few months since removing (hopefully all of) the mold so time will tell if these changes are long lasting. But things have gotten so much better so quickly that Im very optimistic about our future now.

My advice to anyone is if you know you have water issues with your house, you also likely have mold issues, air quality issues, possibly structural damage, are inviting carpenter ants and or termites into your life and can be wreaking havoc on you and your loved ones hormones and sleep. Fix the water issues and all of the downstream effects asap before you try anything else!

Thank you for the update.

I am happy to hear that some issues have been resolved.

Yes, mold is a bad nasty thing.  And it likes to hide.

Hi Brody, I'm really happy for you guys!  Who would have thought that something like mold could be such a nasty and incideous problem.  I mean I knew it could make people sick, but wow.  Even with other factors in play it sounds like this really has made a positive change, getting the house mold-free and safer for y'all.

Brody Ekberg wrote:Just wanted to post an update for all of you who have helped me through this! Our relationship has improved significantly and in a relatively short amount of time. There are multiple variables, so we cant be totally sure what the improvement stemmed from but we’re thinking it was mostly mold… We have been redoing our bathroom all summer and discovered that basically the bottom half of the tub/shower alcove was completely mold ridden. Like from the waste down on all 3 walls was rotten and moldy behind the tiles. Once I removed all the moldy drywall the house immediately started smelling better and our clothes dont smell musty anymore. Shes been sleeping much better which improves pretty much all aspects of life and our relationship. She’s also had less tension in her neck and shoulders and is just overall more calm and kind. She’s been helpful, productive, happier and just way more pleasant to be around. We actually like eachother again! Its been a huge weight off of my shoulders which makes me a better person as well.

You're not the only one. My personal experience indicates that a heavy mold exposure (and the immune response it triggers) definitely sends my tolerance and mood and perception into the sewer. Renovations in old wood shavings walls, compost heaps that went sideways, and deer mouse crap (even 10 years old) all hit me pretty hard. And then I'm a grumpy, irritable, cranky old bear that's pretty darn miserable to be around. I have learned to recognize the symptoms (and the causes) and beg pardon from Dear Wife -- sorry I'm being chippy and grumpy, I stirred up the big pile of X yesterday and I feel like crap. it's me, not you.

Brody,

Lack of/poor sleep/insomnia can pretty much wreck every part of one's life--certainly human relationships.  Some basic anatomy/functional explanation of the effects of sleep loss go something like this:

Believe it or not, despite running literally *thousands* of tests, the only human function that suffers from lack of sleep is the ability to focus or concentrate*.  I put a little asterisk at the end of the sentence, because the ability to concentrate then affects virtually every other human function and therefore lack of sleep worsens virtually every human function but in a slightly indirect way.

With regards to mood/cognition/emotions/etc., our frontal lobe (especially the prefrontal cortex) serves in part as a sort of switchboard that automatically bats down emotional impulses.  For instance, if you were told to *NOT* hit the person directly next to you, then the very first thought that enters your mind is "Hit the person next to me."  Of course, that is a bad idea and the frontal lobe immediately shuts off that impulse, you just sit there and the person next to you is none the wiser that momentarily you were thinking about hitting them.

But when we are sleep deprived, our frontal lobes don't do this job so well or automatically.  We can still shut down the impulse, but it takes a more concentrated effort, and sometimes when we are concentrating on shutting down one impulse, another might slip through.  With regards to mood and emotion, our frontal lobes are constantly shutting off impulses that are situationally inappropriate.  If we are happy and some angry impulse enters our mind (hit the person next to you), we shut that off and we keep being happy.  But when we have to constantly *WORK* to shut these off, other impulses slip through.  What others perceive is that we are moody, we snap easily, lose tempers and get emotionally impulsive.

So good for you that you found the mold and the two of you are getting better sleep!

Eric

Douglas Alpenstock wrote:
You're not the only one. My personal experience indicates that a heavy mold exposure (and the immune response it triggers) definitely sends my tolerance and mood and perception into the sewer. Renovations in old wood shavings walls, compost heaps that went sideways, and deer mouse crap (even 10 years old) all hit me pretty hard. And then I'm a grumpy, irritable, cranky old bear that's pretty darn miserable to be around. I have learned to recognize the symptoms (and the causes) and beg pardon from Dear Wife -- sorry I'm being chippy and grumpy, I stirred up the big pile of X yesterday and I feel like crap. it's me, not you.

Its interesting isnt it? Does your wife get affected the same way? I literally dont feel any different mentally or physically than before. And didnt really feel any different while doing the mold removal, other than the expected itchy eyes.

Eric Hanson wrote:Brody,

Lack of/poor sleep/insomnia can pretty much wreck every part of one's life--certainly human relationships.  Some basic anatomy/functional explanation of the effects of sleep loss go something like this:

Believe it or not, despite running literally *thousands* of tests, the only human function that suffers from lack of sleep is the ability to focus or concentrate*.  I put a little asterisk at the end of the sentence, because the ability to concentrate then affects virtually every other human function and therefore lack of sleep worsens virtually every human function but in a slightly indirect way.

With regards to mood/cognition/emotions/etc., our frontal lobe (especially the prefrontal cortex) serves in part as a sort of switchboard that automatically bats down emotional impulses.  For instance, if you were told to *NOT* hit the person directly next to you, then the very first thought that enters your mind is "Hit the person next to me."  Of course, that is a bad idea and the frontal lobe immediately shuts off that impulse, you just sit there and the person next to you is none the wiser that momentarily you were thinking about hitting them.

But when we are sleep deprived, our frontal lobes don't do this job so well or automatically.  We can still shut down the impulse, but it takes a more concentrated effort, and sometimes when we are concentrating on shutting down one impulse, another might slip through.  With regards to mood and emotion, our frontal lobes are constantly shutting off impulses that are situationally inappropriate.  If we are happy and some angry impulse enters our mind (hit the person next to you), we shut that off and we keep being happy.  But when we have to constantly *WORK* to shut these off, other impulses slip through.  What others perceive is that we are moody, we snap easily, lose tempers and get emotionally impulsive.

So good for you that you found the mold and the two of you are getting better sleep!

Eric

That is very interesting and makes a lot of sense!

Brody Ekberg wrote:[Its interesting isnt it? Does your wife get affected the same way? I literally dont feel any different mentally or physically than before. And didnt really feel any different while doing the mold removal, other than the expected itchy eyes.

Every person has a different reaction. The challenge in a relationship is being personally aware of the effect, and communicating this to your partner. It's not an excuse, it's honest and proactive communication right away! "Hey, I just realized I've been kind of a jerk. My fault, not yours." We all realize that each partner in a relationship will have crappy grumpty days. That's life. If there is self-awarness and communication (a.k.a. own your own shit) I think it builds greater resilience and trust.

Thanks so much for sharing this update — it’s amazing how much of an impact mold can have, not just on a house but on relationships and well-being too. It’s a great reminder to look at the home environment when things feel off. Really happy to hear things are turning around for you both!

I'm rooting for ya man. My two cents is in nature the female is always the one that chooses the mate. The male never chases. She is the one that keeps life going it's really her choice. So if she wants to leave just talk to her, ask her where her heart is, be ready to accept the truth for what it is. Every relationship goes through hardship, you can't have good without the bad, or you can't appreciate one without the other. So is she someone worth going through the bad together with and she should ask herself the same for you.