Christopher Weeks wrote:
I'm happily married and we're rounding the corner on 27 years. But we do have resentments, we (mostly correctly) identify the ways that we're crazy, we have (maybe not long) lists of things we'd enjoy changing about each other if it were possible, and we have definitely experienced harmonious growth together.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
M Waisman wrote:
Yeah. I'm not entirely unlike your wife in some ways. Only recently did I understand better that I am categorically a "highly sensitive person" and how my parents (just one, really) had such a huge impact on me. Knowing that I'm not crazy AND that I don't want to repeat those ways I was taught AND that my critical ways was sabotaging myself helped me immensely. It sounds like your wife is similar in some regards. Habits are hard to change but I'm determined not to become my mother and to not let my old family relationships dictate my happiness. It's possible! And requires patience galore. One habit I developed while depressed was holing up in my bedroom alone and streaming whatever tv. As absurd as it sounds, I learned a lot watching stupid reality dating tv. I'd see how people did or did not communicate well and see ourselves reflected too. A fun dive into psychoanalysis that provided some escapism and a few lessons.
It's hard, as someone with emotional intelligence or calm demeanor to not automatically put yourself on a "better than" pedostal but that's precisely the judgement to avoid, IMO. Also, when something feels abusive, it's good to call it. I can barely talk to my siblings or mother because I feel like a pile of shit after most encounters. That's not worth it. It all depends on self-evolution and personality types- where your thresholds are. And just grow the flowers for her. She'll help if she wants to but it can be something you do for her.
It's never too late to set some goals.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Brody Ekberg wrote:How do you deal with resentments and having a few things you would like to change in eachother?
I'm only 64! That's not to old to learn to be a permie, right?
Brody Ekberg wrote:
I actually got into writing a bit after my revelation and one of the first things I wrote about was how she was my anchor. I was like a balloon filled with helium ready to float off into new, exciting, uncharted territory. Willing to risk suffering or death for a cause. And she was the string with one end tied to me and the other tied to the ground. It was romantic in a way. But also, made me wonder if I really wanted or needed to be tied to the ground. Is it better that way? Safer, sure. More familiar, sure. But better? I dont know.
I still feel this way. She anchors me to a lot of things that I would have let go of if i was on my own. That has been good and bad. But that string causes tension and is limiting. And sometimes she just wants me to hang around the ground, even though I’m full of helium… it just isnt my nature to want to ride the brakes on something I’m passionate about.
Part of it is age too. I mean, I’m young, healthy, motivated and passionate. I have a warriors mentality. I feel like the best way I can be of service to the earth at this point in my life is to bust ass, be productive as possible and make huge changes. One day I will be old, disabled, tired or dead. Then I will have to slow down. Then maybe my best way of being in service to the earth will change. But there are enough parasites, lazy people, unmotivated people, disabled people, old people and dead people already not being helpful. Shouldn’t us able bodied, motivated, passionate people do what we can while we can?
Then again, without her I would probably burn out, get injured and maybe even die an earlier death. Not that any of that is bad or wrong, but its also not helpful either…
Brody wrote: You mentioned being non-judgmental and it’s obvious to me how that would be a good thing in a relationship. We judge eachother. I may judge her more than she judges me, and even if I don’t vocalize it she can feel it. But the thing is, if she’s doing something self destructive, counterproductive or honestly, kind of being crazy, how cant I judge her? At least internally. And when I feel so strongly about something and she has the complete opposite perspective and can’t justify it with any sound reasoning (flat earth), how cant I judge her? If it were just a random person on the street i could just laugh it off and walk away. But I live with this woman, i am committed to her and she may be the future mother of my children. If she’s being unreasonable, self destructive or kind of crazy, am I just supposed to let it go and think “to each their own”? I dont want our future children to adopt silly ideas, self destructive behaviors or illogical reasoning.
pax amor et lepos in iocando
Brody Ekberg wrote:.....I agree that 50/50 doesn’t seem to work without constant compromise. And constant compromise can work if both feel satisfied with the situation, but how often is that the case? I think often times compromise leads to at least a bit of disappointment on both sides. Fair, but not ideal. Ill risk offending some, but am going out on a limb to say that you think it makes most sense for the man to be the tie breaker and that religions and human history would agree. I also agree that it makes the most sense, specifically because MEN tend to make the most sense, where women tend to be more emotional.
M Waisman wrote:.......If you look at matchmaking cultures, they often have successful and happy marriages, I think, because the individuals are generally kind, tolerant/non-judgemental and open-minded with people's flaws/baggage/misdeeds. I think happy marriages can be either a really good complement and match (like mine), or they can be quite different individuals BOTH full of respect and compassion for the other.
Brody Ekberg wrote:......(A) her family, specifically her mothers side, have always kind of told her that she will end up with the same issues they did because thats just the way they are. I fought against that hard from the get go, trying to convince my wife that her future is not dependent on how she was raised or how the other women in her family chose to live. She really does not want to fall into the same unhealthy patterns as them and sees her tendencies towards that. She’s definitely working on it, although the last couple years not as much.
(B)... She also watched a lot of tv in the bedroom alone, which seriously drove me insane. ......
(C) ....As for abuse, I always assumed that meant physical or psychological. I never knew emotional abuse was a thing until about a year ago. When she saw my search history on my phone she was devastated and refused to accept that she had been emotionally abusive. The same goes for vulnerable narcissism. She saw my search history about that and was in total denial. Im no psychologist and never told her she is a narcissist. But when she confronted me I did tell her to look into it because she consistently exhibits many of the qualities. But much of that was tied to her holding resentments towards me and compensating for feeling neglected years ago.
Brody Ekberg wrote:
....What I discovered is attachment theory and the effects that childhood trauma has on how people cope with difficulties, choose partners, behave in relationships, think about themselves and think about others. .....
“The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”― Albert Einstein
I do Celtic, fantasy, folk and shanty singing at Renaissance faires, fantasy festivals, pirate campouts, and other events in OR and WA, USA.
RionaTheSinger on youtube
Christopher Weeks wrote:
Brody Ekberg wrote:How do you deal with resentments and having a few things you would like to change in eachother?
I think the short answer is that I suck it up.
For instance, I resent that I do 80% of the housework. I don't meant to suggest that it consumes me -- but sometimes the unfairness of how my wife prioritizes her time, causing me to do an unfair amount of the housework bugs me. But like, what can I do about it? If I ask her do some chore, she's likely to do it. And it's likely to be harmonious enough. But neither is certain. And I've known for 30 years that's how it is. So, sometimes I resent it. But I love her and enjoy other things about her an awful lot, so put on the balance, it's something I live with. And I know there are things I do that she resents as well. And we've also been together long enough that we've seen those fluctuate.
She's writing a book. It takes a lot of time that she "should" be spending on me. Sometimes I resent that or the amount that she wants to discuss her research because it occupies such a large chunk of her brain. But I'm also jazzed by her project and want her to succeed. And when I do find myself resenting it, I can remind myself that it's not forever.
Also, I don't think of divorce as a failure state. If maintaining our marriage wasn't a net positive for both of us, we'd call it and move on. But I get way more out of it than I put in and she seems to feel the same.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Jane Mulberry wrote:Asking a question about something I think I notice here, but could be wrong about.
As someone with an avoidant attachment style, did the relationship somehow feel safer to you when you felt she wasn't fully committed to it, and less safe since she said she doesn't see divorce as an option now?
To me, it appears that you two have flip-flopped roles, from your previous post where you said you were fully committed and her seeming ready to leave; to her now saying she's fully committed and you questioning whether to stay in the relationship.
People with avoidant styles may feel more comfortable in relationships that seem more superficial or temporary, and marrying someone who's already broken up with you a few times seems to fit that category. But when their partner gets more serious and makes it clear they're not going to leave, it can cause serious discomfort to the more avoidant partner.
I'm not making a judgement about that, simply suggesting it's something to think about.
It seems to me that you both have an excellent opportunity to heal less healthy attachment styles and learn how to grow together into real intimacy.
I don't claim to have achieved that yet in my marriage, it's a lifelong journey. There's a theory that we choose the partners we choose in order to heal childhood trauma, and we definitely did. What I've discovered hubby and I need to look out for is any places where one of us is making the other behave toward us in damaging ways our parents did, or we're behaving toward them in damaging ways their parents did.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Nicole Alderman wrote:
My husband is more like you in this aspect, especially in years past. We've been married for 16 years, and I've known him since I was 19 (exactly half my life now!). He's often talked about wanting to travel and go on adventures and would bemoan that we're tied down. But, also, he really likes the stability. And, since he's basically almost died twice (thanks Crohn's flare-ups), he's much happier that we have our home and stability. Sure, I've tied him down, but he's also lifted me up. And I've always been a constant in his life. His parents uprooted him, on average, every year of his life. He hated always moving and all the change. We balance each other.
It's easy to get caught up in a passion and let that drive us to greatness...or burn out. And burn out is real. We both pushed ourselves so hard in the past (especially the sleep deprivation and emotional distress from a colicky baby) that it resulted in some nasty auto-immune conditions for us (see the above note about him almost dying twice thanks to Crohn's).
Another thing to note, is that you really can burn yourself out. If you're body is constantly pumping adrenaline to get stuff done, your body might decide to give you some lovely Chronic Fatigue. This is rather common with people who have hypermobility. Since lots of our soft tissue is elastic, that often includes our veins. This results in low blood pressure. The body compensates by pumping you full of adrenaline. All though my childhood and early teens, it would take me HOURS to fall asleep, and I could stay awake all night without any tiredness in the morning. My body was pumping that much adrenaline, constantly! I finally got to a normal energy level as an adult, but the stress and sleep deprivation of parenting gave me full on fatigue that took YEARS (like 6+ years) to get back to some semblance of normal.
Slow and steady really can work well, and I like your idea of being grounded so you can teach others. One person can only do so much for permaculture. Why do you think Paul Wheaton made this forum? He knew he could only do so much. He still does a lot (and pushes himself way too far, far too often, causing all sorts of nasty health problems), but he knows he can do far more if he teaches others and creates a place where we can infect the world with permaculture.
Sometimes I feel down that I'm not doing more. But, moderating on this forum helps. Teaching the kids at my kid's homeschool co-op about natural building and historical skills helps. Teaching my kids helps. Talking about permaculture when it comes up naturally helps.
I'm a Christian and grew up Christian. I've found that trying to shove religion (be it permaculture or Christianity) down someone's throat tends to make them throw it up and never want another taste. But, if you live your life and share knowledge when applicable, you can sew the seeds of permaculture into people's minds. You can help them move up the Wheaton Eco Scale, bit by bit.
I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes being "tied down" can make a bigger impact than the epic permaculture adventures. Just like going an being a missionary in a country probably doesn't do nearly as much as just making connections in your own community.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Nicole Alderman wrote:
Maybe this is a good opportunity to apply the "be nice" permies rules in your relationship? I know I've learned a LOT about sharing my ideas kindly and non-judgmentally here on permies. At the root of it is sharing your opinion and experience and info without denigrating theirs.
I believe that people are smart and can be reasoned with. I'm a teacher by heart and trade, and maybe that's from my fundamental belief that people can learn. Maybe you can share information about what you think and believe in a "Hey, look at this! I found this really cool video/article/book and it said some really fascinating things." Share your passion and enthusiasm for the knowledge you have, rather than sharing the hatred and judgement for their knowledge.
I've had the honor of teaching history at my kids' homeschool co-op. Apparently, a lot of people hate history and think it's dry and boring and just battles and rulers and dates to memorize. None of the kids in my class think that. Every day, I get at least one kid saying, "Why is history SO COOL!?" We carve runes into soapstone, weave, bind books, write with goose quills, etc. We make and use the stuff people in the past used, and we create cool stuff in the process. (I'm inspired by the PEP program here on permies and the focus on learning by doing cool, useful, meaningful things). But, all this is to say, when you share your enthusiasm for a topic and make it interesting, people are more likely to want it. You mentioned the Bible, and one of the quotes that always confused me was that we're "to be the salt of the earth." Salt kills things! But, salt also preserves, it makes things tasty. It makes people come back for more. I try to be "salty" in my presentation--make the information tasty and make them want more. Being filled with resentment makes that REALLY hard, I know, but I think it can be done.
My husband and I had a span of years where I resented his spending and he resented some stuff I did. It made it hard to talk. But, we've moved past it. It took time and trying on both of our parts, but now I think we're closer than we have been since our kids were born. It can happen. There's hope, especially if you're both willing to work on it (and it sounds like your wife finally is)
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Melissa Ferrin wrote:I have not read everyone's replies because I can very much sympathize with your situation and don't feel like I can handle reading everyone's stories right now. But I wanted to say that I found a lot of help in the Gottman Institute materials. I live in a place where unofficial file sharing is the norm, and I got his book The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work, and also watched quite a few YouTube videos on the subject. I couldn't get my husband to read anything and we didn't have financial access to counselling but he agreed to watch videos on the subject with me. We are still married (20 years) but the most difficult time was about 10 years ago.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
John Weiland wrote:[
In a variation on a contemporary popular saying, I often find myself when presented with conundrums asking myself "What would a tribe do?......". I suspect many tribal and other societies that use matchmaking can list oodles of reasons for why it works. One reason I recall being told was that it puts the marriage below that of societal/cultural harmony. A solid marriage was good for the community....not necessarily existing to fulfill the dreams of the individuals. Although this can seem like something that would lead to a dystopian story line for the latest TV miniseries, that critical viewpoint assumes that our desires and dreams emanating from within are all justified and worthy of acting upon. Sometimes, they might not be.... and from what I've read, many tribal constructs built in mechanisms to 'balance' individual drives and needs with the harmony needed within the tribe. At any rate, I somewhat conclude that many modern marriages have the Promethean task of trying to provide...by two people....what a tribe once provided: In feelings of security, childrearing, food resources, social/emotional supports, whatever. We don't have much of that structure anymore, so we do what we can....but with difficulty.
should we ignore the ramifications of story telling by the mass media? In an interesting twist, even though it seemed to be a bit of bonding between my wife and I over mid-winter TV viewing, I stopped at some point, just feeling a bit exhausted by medium, pace, content, and other things I couldn't really explain. Wife was upset with this change but I encouraged her to keep watching if she was still enjoying this. That lasted about two winters, then the past two winters she also just stopped, commenting on the sheer amount of time involved more than anything else. But as a medium that most approach as 'entertainment', I just got more concerned about how this was influencing the cultivation of my OWN needs, wants, desires, etc., and not necessarily in a good way. Just something for thought...
This is where I'd like to finish with your statement in your intro post, not because I feel it has all the answers to your marital situation so much, but because I'm just so glad to see that it was brought up by you and others within the thread. I worked for some years during my employment in the volunteer capacity assisting with the organization of a local chapter of a national child abuse prevention group. That work put me in touch with the Attachment Parenting literature, its roots in the late John Bowlby's attachment theory, and the now oft-cited Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) studies out of the Kaiser Permanente health system in California (but nationwide as well). Just an opinion, but early childhood attachment needs and the manner in which these needs are deliberately or accidentally subverted is an enormous smoking gun in the general ills of society....and as you've observed, in the the ills of partnering and family rearing. It is through this lens that my wife and I....probably mostly considered "wound mates" rather than "soul mates"....found the bulk of our answers to our individual and marital issues, even if greater action is needed to translate that information into healing. So I'm grateful that attachment is being more and more appreciated and more widely discussed and understood for its impact on society at large.
Ironically, I was not going to post in this thread, partially because of all of the excellent responses already and also due to feeling that my marriage was just one of those like my parent's that was doomed to be unhappy until the bitter end of our lives. But that, too, is a bit of a "vision trap"....of seeing my marriage through the lens of that of my parents (enmeshment, anyone?)...and having read many of the testimonies here, I can see that my expectations....from the juxtapositioning of my own experiences of marriage relative to the "Hollywood version"... is pretty,......well,......broken. Improvements in that regard have come with time, empathy, compassion, and new perspective.
Never too late for a reset of these visions..... Good luck in you and your wife's efforts, Brody.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Riona Abhainn wrote:Brody, you make a really good point about sticking with the old therapist because she'll see the improvements over time. Realizing that, I think you're right and you should indeed stick with familiar.
I think the biggest things my husband and I disagree about are: I love going and doing things with people and I like taking him with me, I love "showing him off" and having fun altogether with our friends. He would rather stay home and play videogames with his friends on the phone. So sometimes we have "discussions" about that and how happy it makes me when he comes out and does things with me. Because my primary love language is quality time I've insisted that we go on one "date" a week. It could be something free like swimming at the river in summer, or it could be dinner out, or whatnot, its about the time together rather than the money. His primary love language is physical touch, so I make sure to cuddle him, snuggle him, have sex with him, etc.
The other thing we seem to disagree about is money, I know that if we're both doing our best then God will provide. He knows that intellectually too, but gets really nervous when we have extra expenses and I have to reassure him that it will work out somehow.
And then there's his family. I'd say that is the biggest point of contension between us. I really like them and we're all close, as people they're cool, but as financial beings they're horendous and they do shit that stresses me out like crazy, and somehow always try to pull us into it. Maybe the reason he's so nervous about money is because his family is incompetant about it?
Anyways I just wanted to mention some things we struggle with to see if they compare at all to the challenges you and your wife have.
One thing I can't figure out is why he enjoys it when I watch him play his games, why??? I mean that isn't very exciting to me. I ask him why and he says "because then you're spending time with me" and I'm like "When we go do things we're spending time together, why don't you like that?" And then we both laugh at each other because that difference will always be there.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Brody Ekberg wrote:This is a total tangent and probably could be its own thread, but do you view permaculture as almost a religion or ideology? I was raised Catholic but am not any sort of orthodox religion now. But I feel permaculture has filled the void in my life that I always thought a religion should. It answers all the questions Christianity couldn’t answer for me. It gives me purpose and meaning and hope. I wonder how many people feel similarly about it vs people who think its a cool way to garden 😆
Brody Ekberg wrote:I guess where I’m at now is, should a couple have to “make” a marriage work, or is that a sign that maybe they would be better suited (more easily happy and healthy) in a different relationship? Not trying to give you doubts about your relationship, just saying, my wife and I dont have children. If we’re tired of trying to “make” it work, I wonder if there’s a difference relationship that would more or less work by nature without having to “make” it. Oir dog is a Texas Heeler. Im sure I could make her be a good retriever or a good service dog. But shes bred to chase and bite. Shes more suited to herding, regardless of what I try to make her do. I drive a Subaru Outback. I could make it keep hauling loads of firewood. Or I could just get a truck and use the outback for less work intensive things. I could make myself do an office job in a cubicle. But I’m much more naturally inclined to do manual labor outside…
B Lee Davis wrote:My wife and I have been married over 24v years. Most of it has been happy. Like all couples we have had our moments of conflict. She had a daughter and I had three sons so we came into marriage with a lot of baggage. We decided any two people who love each other and want to be happy can be. It really is a choice but both have to agree. We share probably 60% of the same interests. That helps but we allow each other time to pursue our non common interests as well. We decided on a division of chores early on that really helps. When she works out side the homed I do 45-50% of household chores. When she stays home she does 90+%. That way in the evening we have free time together. My ex used to play all day and then when I got home from work expected me to help 50-50 with chores. I never had time for me and we never had fun timed together. It was a recipe for disaster.
We are not wealthy but live well below our means. We have the household account for all essentials Where we deposit all of our wages minus bonuses. She has her account that she spends the money from her side jobs and I have my account from my side jobs that I spend how I want. If we want to do something fun we look at household account and if we can take some money and then we each contribute from our own accounts. I think it is important to have both joint and private money. In our case she pays the bills etc. from the household account. If we are short which is rare we may have to dip into our spending money. Neither of use make large expenditures even from our personal accounts without discussing it together. We have never vetoed each other but occasionally after talking about it we decide it might not be a good idea or we even agree to help each other.
Decide on division of labor, finances, and use of free time. Allow each to grow in separate ways as well. Be willing to compromise. If you both choose to be happy you can be!!!
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Nicole Alderman wrote:
My husband I constantly reference the old DC Talk song "Love is a verb." It's not a feeling. It's something we do.
I was thinking the other day that the Spanish covers this better than English. In Spanish, if you like something, you say "A me me gusta" ("it's pleasing to me") and if you really like something, you say "A me me encanto" ("it enchants me"). But, to love someone is "Amar" ("to love"). The things that are feelings, like liking baseball or loving chocolate are worded very different from loving someone. When you have a feeling of liking something, you are enchanted by it. It just happens. You don't control it. But, when you love someone, YOU are doing the action. This reminds me that love is an act that we do. It's not a feeling that we have.
Sure, the feelings make the act easier. But, it's still work. Feelings come and go. They are ephemeral. My marriage vows had "in sickness and in health"--so I take that to mean that marriage is a pledge to work on it, in sickness and in health...even mental sickness. I know I've gone through mental downtimes. My husband got frustrated that I wasn't responding to his cute romantic surprises the way he expected. But, this wasn't because I didn't appreciate them--I just am not good at responding to surprises. But, he stopped doing cute romantic things because he didn't see they were being appreciated, so why try? Sometimes, things are appreciated even if you don't see them.
In life, there's always hard things to work through. There's always going to be hardships. Sometimes, the grass is greener on the other side...but usually it's not. I've watched many people change jobs, churches, friends, locations, etc over and over hoping for things to be easier. But, they're always complaining that there's something terrible about where they're at. Maybe some of that terribleness was from their own perspective? Sure, there are abusive workplaces. There are war-torn areas or that constantly flood and it makes sense to move. But, I think those are rare compared to the instances where we could see the beauty and potential in where we live or work. Where we can see that the "problems are the solutions" (to put it in permaculture terms).
My parents have been married 40 years. My grandparents were married for nearly 70 years. I'm sure they struggled. I've seen some resentment from in the hard times. But, they pledged to work through it in sickness and in health, till death did they part. And they have. People always compliment them on their relationships...but they wouldn't be happily married all these years later if they hadn't pushed through and worked and LOVED through the hard times.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Nicole Alderman wrote:Another option for couples is to make a budget. Figure out how much money goes to bills, clothing, car expenses, emergency fund, etc. And then set aside an amount for each person that's a "personal spending" amount. Depending on the amount you make, that might be $100/month, or $10 a month. The spouse can save up their personal spending to buy bigger things, or spend it all each month. They can spend it however they want.
For other purchases that aren't necessities (say getting a pretty new light fixture, or dishwasher or a new wheelbarrow or chainsaw or expensive new coat), then both discuss the purchase to see if it's a good idea.
Speaking of dishwashers, I love mine. Yes, I know that a sink can be more efficient. But, it's not that much more efficient. For me, the mental health benefits of being able to just put all the dishes into the dishwasher is immense. Every time I put a dish in there, I don't have to see it and feel overwhelmed. If I have to clear the table and counter and put everything in the sink, then every time I put it there, I feel overwhelmed at the amount of MORE work I will have to do. Not everyone else deal with this, but I sure do. The dishwasher turns giant task into one dish at a time going into the dishwasher, where it is "done." This is so much better for my mental health that I think it's worth the small amount of extra electrical power. I'll take shorter showers and drive less and plant more food to compensate!
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
pax amor et lepos in iocando
Brody Ekberg wrote:
Your comment about “wound mates vs soul mates” is interesting! Thats probably my wife and I as well. Is that true love? Who knows. It’s definitely more work than what I assume soul mates do. But maybe its more rewarding. Hopefully!
“The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”― Albert Einstein
Brody Ekberg wrote:
I feel like Ive tried to share things with her in every possible way other than drill sergeant yelling technique (which i have considered many times). Ive shared through excitement and passion. Ive shared through morality and logic. Ive shared by silently leading by example. Ive shared by cautiously and timidly suggesting things. And I’ve been met with stiff resistance consistently. She knows that and has apologized. But its left me wondering how to move on.
Brody Ekberg wrote:
I also think that divorce could be catastrophic for her. She’s never been alone, has insecurities, self esteem issues, can’t afford much based off of her current income and has the whole conundrum of wanting children but is losing eggs by the month which causes stress in her life. But all if that being true does not mean I should stay married to her. That seems like a very inappropriate reason to be married in my opinion. But yes, all of that would weigh in my and definitely would give me feelings of guilt if we split and she spirals downhill.
I do Celtic, fantasy, folk and shanty singing at Renaissance faires, fantasy festivals, pirate campouts, and other events in OR and WA, USA.
RionaTheSinger on youtube
"We're all just walking each other home." -Ram Dass
"Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder."-Rumi
"It's all one song!" -Neil Young
Invasive plants are Earth's way of insisting we notice her medicines. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Everyone learns what works by learning what doesn't work. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Brody Ekberg wrote:
As for compatibility, I just mean do the differences compliment eachother or cause conflict? [...] Our differences directly cause conflict and require constant compromises to avoid resentments. She says that now that she isn’t actively resisting and opposing me that she can change and maybe learn to like more of the things that I do. That sounds nice on the surface, but I dont want her to change for me.[...]
It’s interesting to me that the lockdown stressed your relationship. [...]
As for being right or being in a relationship, I totally understand where the advisor is coming from. But what if they dont have to be mutually exclusive? What if both parties agree on things, so both feel “right” and the relationship is fine? [...]
Mary Gallos wrote:There is so much wise counsel here - so only one thing I will add:
The sleeping issue is a Very. Big. Deal. and I would do EVERYthing you can to solve that as a first priority.
Trauma, depression, etc are all literal, physical injuries. Healing requires adequate sleep - that's when the physical repair occurs.
Sleep separately, for a bit, to see if it helps her. Dial up the sex "for medicinal reasons" if it helps. Experiment with whatever you can think of
And insist on all that sleep hygiene stuff - like no screens 2 hours before bedtime etc.
Treat her physical well-being (and yours, of course) as top priority. I'm not saying "the rest will follow" - but I do think it's a prerequisite for any of the the very good ideas within this thread having a good chance of being effective.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Melissa Ferrin wrote:I'm back because this morning on my moring walk I heard an episode of the podcast Diary of a CEO and the guest was Esther Perel, someone whose videos I watched a lot of several years ago. The podcast episode was given the clickbaity title Why Men Love Porn More Than Their Partner. But really the bulk of the long conversation was devoted to how to improve the quality of our relationships. It was a really great conversation I highly recommend finding it on the podcast service of your choice.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
John Weiland wrote:
Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that 'wound mates' was a term created to explain the phenomenon of two people who seemed to fall madly in love only to have it fizzle and burn out a short time later. And it was more characteristic of lather, rinse, repeat serial mating behavior, but not exclusively so. Although such partnering *can* lead to new awareness of the behaviors and growth stemming from that awareness, the original coining of the term was describing more how each of the partners was re-enacting old patterns of emotional injury from earlier in their lives and not learning or growing from the experience. It seems so contrary: Why partner up with someone who is going to actually put you back into horrible or traumatic experiences that you swore you never again wanted to experience? And yet I suspect each of us recognizes some of this in ourselves or in some other person or couple within their social sphere (e.g. "Why does he/she keep shacking up with these abusive losers?!"). The current answer that I recall falls within something Freud originally called the "Repetition Compulsion", although I think it was later practitioners who leaned in more to postulate that such a person is (subconsciously) looking to 're-enact' old scenarios in order to "get it right this time".....to get 'resolution' to something that is psychologically unresolved from many years ago. So if awareness does not come from being with a wound mate, one may end up just going through this cycle over and over....never reaching 'resolution' on old emotional injury. With awareness, some recognition of the cycle....the pattern....can come about and, often with additional guidance, some healing of those wounds and abatement of the pattern....of the 'compulsion'....finally can occur. As always, healing takes a different schedule for each person and likely over many years.
It certainly appears that the 'soul mate' phenomenon of the variety that appears to require 'no work' also *can* occur, but I just suspect that it is as culturally worshiped as it is rare. Just MHO....
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
Angel Hunt wrote:
But why is it so important to you that she be converted to your way of thinking? Are you able to tolerate a sense of differentiation from her? Or are you expecting her to mirror you to an unhealthy degree?
I am not encouraging you to divorce, but it does seem like there is a lot that you are unhappy with and do not necessarily respect about your wife. So if you already know deep down that you do not see a future with her, the kindest thing you can do is cut her loose so that she can move on and try to have children with someone else. Waiting until having children is no longer an option for her and then divorcing would be more traumatic in the long run.
Maybe Life is always like being on a trapeze or a tightrope at the circus...
This tiny ad is suggesting that maybe she should go play in traffic.
rocket mass heater risers: materials and design eBook
https://permies.com/w/risers-ebook
|