Pearl Sutton wrote:Thanks for the replies
I think what I need help on is more drawing boundaries with... peers? with people who aren't in my employ, but who I may want to be polite to, but who are running roughshod over my physical and mental limitations. I have zero problems with "this is good information you want to hear" I have problems when it turns into "I know what you must do, even though I have no clue what your goals are."
In a way just writing this clarifies my thoughts quite a bit... Perhaps if I say to them a variation on what I say to my employees when I first hire them "this is only one small step in a very long, many step process. Some of it will not make sense to you, because I am looking 7 or 15 steps ahead, and what you are doing today will make sense in a year, but might not today. Tell me if you think I'm doing something that can be done better, but if I listen, and then say "no" it means there is more going on than you see here, accept that I have a plan that goes past what you see in today's project, and live with what I say to do."
Marco Banks wrote:Pearl,
You may want to just tell him:
"I have mild Aspergers syndrome and so sometimes I don't always read social situations well. So let me be clear with you: I don't like interruptions. I don't like small-talk. If I'm taking a break, it isn't an invitation to come talk with me unless there is an urgent question you have. But if you want to make a suggestion but are framing it as a question, please don't -- I don't find that helpful.
Perhaps we could set a time to stop and you could ask all your questions at that time. Hold them until question time. Maybe you should write them down so you remember them when question time comes. That way you know that you will get your questions answered, and I will not have to be interrupted by you.
If I say to you, "Not now", what I mean is "Not now". I'm not being rude -- I just function much better when people are not constantly interrupting and bugging me. Is that clear? Thank you for understanding how best to work with me. Now leave me alone."
Pearl Sutton wrote:but when they get vehement about what I MUST DO because it's RIGHT, DAMMIT!! ... I am at a loss.
Rodger Pilkington wrote:I have a few suggestions based on your feedback.
I won't rule out sexism, just putting it here so you know I consider it possible, though I think it unlikely. Based on your description, it could be the case that these men who want you to do what they would are used to bossing around women (getting their way).
Rodger Pilkington wrote:
I have a suspicion that there is body language you are using that is being seen as ignorant or arrogant or some variation. If you can, I would get someone to video yourself in one of these situations and you can get an accurate look for yourself. You can also get someone to demonstrate what they see. Most humans are good at mimicking others, so this could help. If you do this and can't find anything, I suggest noting down things in dot form. "I said this" "He put his hands on his hips", and avoid interpretations of those actions. Interpretations are made up (we all do it) and can be socially problematic. See if you can find a pattern, or the moment when things became a problem.
Rodger Pilkington wrote:Since you are in a new community, there will be a tendency for the locals to assume they know best, especially if you are moving from an urban life. I agree with Tim, in a way. I know you are doing a version of this already, because you are a nice person and don't want to cause trouble: Agree with the person. Be honest. You ARE agreeing with them, that their suggestion works, that it works well for them. That is their experience, and accept it. If you dismiss it (verbally or otherwise) then they will need to justify it to save face and defend themselves.
Rodger Pilkington wrote:
Can you arrange for someone you work with to step in and help with challenging people when you get overloaded? Setting up a system along these lines can reduce the stress in the first place and help your work day.