What to do? Different goals than the spouse

Thank you Elizabeth. I don't deserve this I know that. I deserve far better than this I'm just trying to hold on till my son's birthday then even with no job or savings I'll try to find somewhere and some how to live.
As far as the physical he's never hit me or our son, just walls, doors, and one very unlucky tray of muffins that I couldn't get out of the oven because I was nursing our son. I almost think it's on purpose words don't show bruises.
He's stated that he used to feel Dread when on his homeward commute, and that he doesn't like how I make him behave. So even he knows somewhere deep down things are toxic. And when that deep knowledge makes him realize he's out of line he'll come back and apologize followed by him repeating every point of his rant and working himself back into a froth. I'd rather he didn't apologize as that is apparently justification and permission to start everything All over again.

Aurora House wrote:Thank you Elizabeth. I don't deserve this I know that. I deserve far better than this I'm just trying to hold on till my son's birthday then even with no job or savings I'll try to find somewhere and some how to live.
As far as the physical he's never hit me or our son, just walls, doors, and one very unlucky tray of muffins that I couldn't get out of the oven because I was nursing our son. I almost think it's on purpose words don't show bruises.
He's stated that he used to feel Dread when on his homeward commute, and that he doesn't like how I make him behave. So even he knows somewhere deep down things are toxic. And when that deep knowledge makes him realize he's out of line he'll come back and apologize followed by him repeating every point of his rant and working himself back into a froth. I'd rather he didn't apologize as that is apparently justification and permission to start everything All over again.

https://ncadv.org/get-help has resources for getting out with limited to no resources.

North Dakota has 12 months of rental assistance for any hardship, including domestic abuse. Utilities too.

I hate to say it but if your son is 17, you don't have to wait to give him a great b day, but that is your choice to make. Reach out to your local Human Services folks for resources too, lots of states have them and they can help you maybe more than you know.

Thank you for the resources! I'm trying to make it as clean a legal break as possible. If he's 18 he's an adult and can live wherever he wants. No child support or custody BS to comply with. I've heard what a hell divorce court is and would like to avoid it if possible but I've earned half of everything so I don't know if I can keep lawyers and their fees out of everything.

I agree, this is not okay. Do not be a doormat.

A thought: has he spoken with a physician, and described what he is going through (his perspective)? Disability and the long-term stress of Covid disruption is a path to depression, which is a genuine mental illness, and that can manifest itself in ugly ways. Depression is treatable, if the patient is willing.

Have you spoken with a physician about this (your experience)? They may have resources you have not considered, and this is also establishes a paper trail you may need later.

To be clear, though, depression or other mental illness does not justify abusive behaviour. Do not be a doormat. My 2c.

Hi, J.  I am really sorry, I can sympathize with you!  My husband is a dear, good man but he is a slob; he has lost or misplaced (or ruined by letting rust outside, etc.) a hundred different tools; he refuses to put anything back where he got it; and I STILL lend him mine, knowing I'll never see that pruning saw/pliers again...

He seems to have some sort of anxiety about flashlights in fact; he wants to be able to grab it fast so instead of putting it away (I had a bin in a closet - very easy!! and before that a nail between the closet and the wall, to hang it on, but no dice, he never put them back) Instead, he perches it on the top corner of the closet or the edge of a high shelf, so it'll fall on my head or get smacked hard when it hits the floor.  I was ill (VERY ill) this past winter, and he had to do whatever did get done around the house; I am still fixing the damage!!  The counters were totally unusable, covered with stuff; underneath that they were filthy; the fronts of all the lower cabinets were striped with various colors of dripped stuff...I could go on.

And he is a painter (art, not houses) and teaches at a university...so his time is precious to him; if I need a hole dug or a big item moved I am going to have to do it myself or hire someone.  But he is mine and I'm keeping him.  There is nobody you can predict; find someone with the exact same goals and values as yourself, and they will probably disappoint you in some other way.

All this to say two things: one, you are Not Alone XD.    And two, you will just have to come to grips with singlehanded gardening.  At least, for now; maybe one day if your wife retires she will enjoy getting into it; but don't count on that.

Luckily, permaculture is a living process; what you do remains and grows, and only improves.  So while I definitely hear your pain, and have a "situation" myself, I feel it's really important for our inner health and overall wellbeing to realize we have Choice, and to enjoy what we do choose; which often means, leaving your plans for other people out of it and just going ahead on your own.  Own it!  Be proud of what you accomplish, and expand if you want to when the time comes.  Buy it for yourself and your own satisfaction; develop it at your leisure.  Have joy in the process!

It would be nice to have our mates be avid helpers, but it isn't gonna happen; for me, giving up on those feelings is the key to real Peace and Contentment.

Aurora, I agree with those who have already pointed out the obvious.  I am sending you a lot of love and I will be praying for you; you need to split and that is not going to be easy.

Well, it's been 4 years and we haven't heard from J.  I wonder if he stayed or left.  I'm guessing she left him!  At any rate, he's not as interested in permaculture now or else he'd be here.  I hope he checks in and doesn't leave us hanging.  

I am in such a similar situation! I'm only 23 (F) and still with my high school sweetheart. We had sat down when we graduated and had a serious discussion about the life we wanted to live but it's been 5 years and I've gotten next to 0 support or help. We rent our house and land from his father though so im next to fucked if we break up. My parents have a bit of land but we don't get along very well and the barn is collapsing. I'd definitely have to build a shack or something to live in...no way I'd last very long inside the house with them. I'm very much a people person though and hate to be alone. It's a very confusing and horrible situation. I'm glad you have an inheritance coming, leave her before you get it and go live your dream!!

Lilace Green wrote:I'm only 23 (F) and still with my high school sweetheart.

Lots of life ahead. Sounds like you're in farm country though, so what sort of support systems are out there?

Very old piece of advice I gave to a young lady in a very similar situation. She was upset because her father said she couldn't move back home if she didn't go for counselling. I backed dad, and when she looked annoyed I said, "how will you have any chance of not making the same mistake again, if you don't figure out how/why you made the mistake this time?" She went for counselling and when she saw me again, she was soooo... glad she had. She understood things about herself that could have taken her years and many more bad relationships to figure out, if she hadn't had help to think and analyze what was happening.

 serious discussion about the life we wanted to live

Do you have any idea if the "life we wanted" was your vision, his vision, or genuinely something you came together on? What was that vision? Can you still see it? Can you see the steps you need to take to get there? Can he see them?

I've gotten next to 0 support or help

What would that support look like to you? What has your spouse been doing for the last 5 years? Working on doing the same thing over and over?

 im next to fucked if we break up

Absolutely - so maybe you need to figure out what can help change that? Do you have any ability to make money independently? Do you have any ability to start socking bits of money away? It could be something small, like baby-sitting, dog-walking, an elderly neighbor who'd pay you to wash ceiling lights - look for possibilities.

I'd definitely have to build a shack or something to live in...

So do you have those skills? Can you start to develop them? Can you get something mobile to build a portable "camping" trailer on so you at least feel you could take your house with you? (Or rent it out for income?)

None of what I've just written is "easy" - analyzing ourselves is a job in itself! But none of it will be any easier 10 years from now, so I'd really hope that something I've suggested here might help you feel like there's a path you could take that might be winding, steep, and/or slow, but would make you feel as if it will lead you to a better place.

(If you haven't tripped over the SkIP program here on permies, it's a way of documenting skills you need or want to learn, and even if it didn't lead you exactly where you want to go, it might give you a sense of accomplishment. https://permies.com/wiki/skip-pep-bb )