posted 1 month ago
Rufaro, I've been thinking a lot about your posts lately with regard to the children. It is an amazingly generous act to bring these kids into your home and dedicate yourself to their education, even for a short time. It's very impressive.
I've been thinking of your situation with your niece against the backdrop of a friend of mine who used to teach high school but now has become a professional foster care provider for children removed from their families (she is in the UK). She has a lifetime of teaching but has never lived with children. It has been six months with smaller children and just recently she had her first big challenge, a 13-year-old who has run away several times, harmed herself, and basically is being a handful. As my friend did not have her own children we've been talking a lot about what it means to raise young people, especially women, and how to do it while respecting yourself as well as the kids. Like your niece, the young people my friend is caring for have challenging backgrounds that add a layer of complexity. But at this age, no matter what their personality or their background, their brains and hormones are a raging storm of change that is almost certain to reflect in their behavior (maddening as it may seem to us, when we are worried about their safety, for example). I personally, when teaching young people and raising my own daughter, always tried to acknowledge this situation while also making clear that both they and I deserved respect: in other words, I treated them like I would treat any friend or colleague of mine, like an adult, and make my emotions and justifications clear without speaking down to them. If I was disappointed, I explained why, in terms of how it affected me (rather than what "is expected" from them, for example). I tried to be clear, matter of fact, and then move forward without dwelling on what they did before.
It's very hard to be the adult, especially when you know that children are "programmed" to test limits. But it's how they learn. And it is so valuable for them to see an adult who can feel emotions but not be toppled by them, and who can also set limits and show self-respect. Working with young people at this stage is really challenging, but it is probably the most impact I've had in my life, and it's fabulous you are doing this for this young woman. I respect your efforts so much.