Please don't do that; it's creepy.

Something I regret about the dating scene is that there is apparently a whole lot of creepiness going on. Even on permies, sadly. I have heard from multiple women that they do not wish to participate in online dating due to having to deal with creepiness.  And to be fair, sometimes men have to deal with creepiness too. I think creepiness hurts us all. Some of the best people choose not to participate. Those who do must deal with it. The creepy people don't get anywhere either, I presume. I think a lot of the time, some people may come across as creepy by accident, and not even realize it. I think some are actually decent folk, but maybe they're just awkward. I thought maybe we could discuss the issue, and hopefully help make things better.

What are some things you find creepy that you seem to constantly have to deal with? What can everyone do to help reduce the creepiness? Do you have any specific stories from your past you would like to share to help people understand what's out there, and what you have to deal with?

Maybe it's just that time of year... but this topic reminded me of the line from Addams Family :)

Here is a share:
I have wanted to try online dating for about four years now. I've looked at sites, reviewed many profiles, and examined what I want and have to offer. Maybe I've been creepy just creeping around in the background, but it took a lot of "research" for me to feel comfortable making a profile and communicating on a dating site. After scouring the internet for well over a year, I decided that I wanted to start a conversation with a man whose profile I kept coming back to. We shared a lot of common goals and interests and he appeared to live a life I could see myself joining. We messaged first a few times and then he wanted to speak to me on the phone. He even wanted to meet me at my location( I declined). I looked forward to our conversations. About a month into our communication, he told me I needed to know he wanted multiple partners ( not on his profile)  and that he was not physically attracted to my body ( I have a thin/athletic frame). He did let me know that he could see us gardening and working the land together and would consider an intimate relationship if I would cater to his interest in feederism (look it up; I had to). I am thankful he told me before we met and spent time together. However, I think that is very important information that he could have put in his profile.  I felt really irresponsible that I gave him personal details about my job, my general location, and mostly that I had a young son. I don't think he listened at all to what I wanted in life or a relationship and his requests sounded like some sort of enslavement. At times it makes for a good dark joke on myself around friends: How many vegetables would I have to grow myself coupled with my metabolism rate in order for him to find me attractive?...a very large number.  
I haven't lost my want to try again because I'm still regularly looking at the community page on Permies, but I hope the next time I find a guy my kind of weird (eating invasive species and composting his old undies).

😱I was jumping out of my own skin reading this, honestly it makes me want to delete my whole account right at this moment and never communicate online ever again.😱 Thank you for sharing your story. I think you sharing took a lot of guts on your part. 👍 I believe it's good to share these events, because it does make us all aware how careful we really should be, in the online world. I had already joined this site, when someone explained to me what catfishing online was, being online at all these days just doesn't seem like a good idea, and on the flip side there are also really good people online as well. Everyone be safe out there.🧐

Brittany, thanks for your story. I guess there really are all types out there... I can understand that there are certain things that would be considered a faux pas to talk about on the first few dates or conversations, but I agree especially with certain strong kinks and attitudes it seems disrespectful and manipulative to not include them on a dating profile. I suppose that may be part of why they do it. It may be so difficult to find someone who shares the same kink that they feel they need to get someone to like them first, then convert them. Sounds like you dodged a bullet in any case. And I agree, while he could have come clean earlier, at least you didn't find out after you were already in a committed relationship with the creep. I often think when women complain about guys asking for sex in their opening line on dating apps, "At least you only wasted literally seconds on the douche. I'd take that over the women who string me along for weeks or months any day."

I never really thought of it as creepy, but what has creeped me out over the years is when I see a dating profile from someone I actually already know. From reading her profile, she is a nice, fun, wonderful person to be around. In real life, I know her to be a monumental bitch. Then I wonder, "Hey, how many of the other profiles here are..."

It's good to see you haven't let the experience turn you against dating. I remember seeing your thread about your school bus project and I suspect you have a lot to offer. Better luck next time!

I'm happily with someone, so my thoughts may not apply, but what I find "creepy" is when a person that has never posted on permies before suddenly appears, dredges up every singles post made in the last ten years and replies to every one of them with something like "I'm interested, please contact me."  That is basically telling me that person, and yes, it seems to be exclusively men that do it, is pretty much willing to be with anyone that will have anything to do with them.  Not to mention, if a person is not even willing to take time to write a tiny bit about themselves, are they willing to put any effort at all into a relationship?

I really enjoyed the sharing of the feederism bit.  That was a good one haha.   I don't look at the permies single forum as a dating site.  I really like permies.com ..not only the singles forum.  It would be great if more single permies would jump in some to make things interesting.  I am going to choose not to say what I think is creepy because it could lead to someone's feelings being hurt, that is more than likely in a vulnerable space by putting themselves out there in the first place.  And I don't believe that  posts can be deleted on permies.  I really enjoy the tiny adds that appear.  Those are very entertaining for me.  

have happy.
juniper  

J. Juniper wrote:I really enjoyed the sharing of the feederism bit.  That was a good one haha.   I don't look at the permies single forum as a dating site.  I really like permies.com ..not only the singles forum.  It would be great if more single permies would jump in some to make things interesting.  I am going to choose not to say what I think is creepy because it could lead to someone's feelings being hurt, that is more than likely in a vulnerable space by putting themselves out there in the first place.  And I don't believe that  posts can be deleted on permies.  I really enjoy the tiny adds that appear.  Those are very entertaining for me.  

have happy.
juniper  

Singles post can be deleted because dating wishes change and people no longer want to be contacted.

Haha - I joke that my husband is a feeder cause he always tries to bring me takeout on his way home from work. He does it cause he knows I'm busting ass outside all day and often forget to eat, but it's fun to tease him.

I actually don't find the feeder story creepy, but I can understand why some would. That's a super personal detail that would be hard to just throw out there for everyone to see. I would take it as a compliment that he felt secure enough to share it with you. If, after you told him you weren't into it, he kept pushing it on you - that would be creepy. That's my take anyway.

Most of the creepy stuff I encountered in online dating was that type of thing - guys not taking no for an answer.

One thing that really creeped me out was when I was in my twenties and decided to try to sell my hair online. I found what was supposedly a reputable site, took some hair pics, and posted an ad. Turns out 99% of people aren't interested in buying the hair, but in buying a chance to watch you cut your hair, or even cut it themselves. Okay, that was fine. I was just trying to make a bit of money, so what's the difference?

I ended up making a deal with some guy. We'd connect on Skype, I'd shave a little bit of hair to show I was serious, he'd transfer the money, and I'd shave the rest. So we're on Skype, me video, him audio only, and he wants me to pull my hair this way and that so he can see. "Ohhh... You have a very nice hairline." There was this tension in his voice that put me totally on edge and made me very cautious. I shaved a teeny tiny bit, not really enough to show good faith, but I wasn't feeling good about the situation. He said, "I can't see anything. Do a little more." And I did, cause I was pretty stingy the first time. As soon as I did, he disconnected.

That was creepy for me cause he was using me to get off, and not I'm a way we'd agreed to. It was also the first time I'd done any kind of exhibitionist thing like that for a stranger, and I discovered I didn't like it at all.

So, I guess lack of communication and consent are what make things creepy for me.

I tried dating online after being single for awhile, and I can assure you it is just as bad for men who are looking for long-term relationships, as it is for women.

I had numerous conversations with women that were outright narcissists; "I expect you to worship the ground I walk on and cater to my every need"...
Creepy women... "I talk to a lot of dead people".
To unable to let their divorce go... "I got so screwed in my divorce. You would not believe what I did not get"... and it was a divorce 15 years earlier and a 6 inh text describing in detail how she got screwed.
To demands... "should you accept the challenge, you will find I am"...

Overall it was just frustration. It seemed the ones I felt were a great match never even considered me, and those I thought were not compatible; contacted me. One date when extremely well, by her account and mine, but then she just withdrew. It was nice to have been on THE perfect date that I will always remember (it was just sweet, understanding and a connection on the same level, and did not even involve sex just so everyone knows it was not perfect because of that), but sad in that it did not turn into a meaningful relationship.

As far as sex goes, today one-night-stands are very common for women to want and not just men. I was NOT into that at all, and I used only pay-dating-sites and not the free ones, and it was still bad. I even let it be known that was NOT what I wanted and not one-night-stands.

I thought about Permies Singles but was afraid I would just get ladies who were interested in an established farm, and not me as a person, so I did not try here.

But I guess I just don't know what I want. A forced mid-life crisis really; not because I am overwhelmed, but because I have so much and now no direction in which to go.

Steve Zoma wrote:

I thought about Permies Singles but was afraid I would just get ladies who were interested in an established farm, and not me as a person, so I did not try here.

That was the way it was 50 years ago before permies or any other sites(not-existing-yet)

One creepy thing that happened to me on this site was someone googling me and contacting my place of work then contacting my co workers on my behalf as well as sending about 30 emails in a 24 hour period. Mind you I dont have my place of work available on my profile but it’s easy to google almost anyone now days. I think googling someone is ok just to make sure they are real or see if they are a serial killer but the length they went through was scary.

I’ve also did the online dating websites thing and then quit. Lol it’s scary out there and my picker is broken. I’m content being single and working on my place.

Other creepy things:
Moving too fast, moving in together and saying I love you within a very short time is too red flagish
Stalking
Having meat suits in your basement and calling yourself Buffalo Bill
Eating ketchup on your eggs
Not having a sense of humor

This goes back to the 90s.  I was contacted by a credit card company apologizing and notifying me that one of their female employees apparently became infatuated with me and had very excessively accessed my records.  There was no apparent misuse of my account other than the excessive access. At no time that I am aware of did she contact me. …..all the lonely people….

For the curious, there was a vague name connection that seems to have been the trigger.

Diane Frenser wrote:
Eating ketchup on your eggs

i generally feel it’s ‘to each their own’, but that’s a good one!

‘sir, i’m starting to get an indication that you might be a six year old.’

My creepiest day was with a secretary who worked for the police.

When I told her different things about myself she would say, “ yep I already knew that”. “Yep, I saw that in your background check”.

She had looked into my past so deep that even the mundane stuff she eerily knew.

Surprisingly we broke up because of all things…guns! She hated guns and I… well I have my share shall we say. I thought that was odd as most police officers want good guys carrying concealed weapons.

Steve;
Most police officers can't tell who has a canceled carry and whether He/She/they are good/bad.
They all look alike.

Brittany Marks wrote:Here is a share:
I have wanted to try online dating for about four years now. I've looked at sites, reviewed many profiles, and examined what I want and have to offer. Maybe I've been creepy just creeping around in the background, but it took a lot of "research" for me to feel comfortable making a profile and communicating on a dating site. After scouring the internet for well over a year, I decided that I wanted to start a conversation with a man whose profile I kept coming back to. We shared a lot of common goals and interests and he appeared to live a life I could see myself joining. We messaged first a few times and then he wanted to speak to me on the phone. He even wanted to meet me at my location( I declined). I looked forward to our conversations. About a month into our communication, he told me I needed to know he wanted multiple partners ( not on his profile)  and that he was not physically attracted to my body ( I have a thin/athletic frame). He did let me know that he could see us gardening and working the land together and would consider an intimate relationship if I would cater to his interest in feederism (look it up; I had to). I am thankful he told me before we met and spent time together. However, I think that is very important information that he could have put in his profile.  I felt really irresponsible that I gave him personal details about my job, my general location, and mostly that I had a young son. I don't think he listened at all to what I wanted in life or a relationship and his requests sounded like some sort of enslavement. At times it makes for a good dark joke on myself around friends: How many vegetables would I have to grow myself coupled with my metabolism rate in order for him to find me attractive?...a very large number.  
I haven't lost my want to try again because I'm still regularly looking at the community page on Permies, but I hope the next time I find a guy my kind of weird (eating invasive species and composting his old undies).

great story thanks for sharing Brittany

Steven Rodenberg wrote:Steve;
Most police officers can't tell who has a canceled carry and whether He/She/they are good/bad.
They all look alike.

Mmmmm... not sure what you mean.

I am not sure about other states but there is a serious shortage of police officers in the State of Maine, but because of that they want more good people with concealed weapons to step in when needed. A good person is a good person is a good person; a police officer's opinion is not needed for that. Equally in the State of Maine, a person carrying a concealed weapon must inform an officer they are carrying, which I do, because every time I have, they all have said the same thing, "Good for you. We need more guys like you". They know what is out there, and this is Maine, where my county has the lowest crime rate in the NATION!

As for being creepy though. I never know how a lady will feel about concealed carry, so I do not concealed carry on a first date.

Hey there. I'm just replying to what Trace said up there👆🏼..I'm one of those guys I suppose. My names Tracy.  But, I actually just found this site from literally doing a Google search on how to maybe find a good girl to start a less complicated life . I value simple, organic life and love and cant seem to find it living amongst people who for the most part could care less about they're impact on theyreselves, or the world for that matter..anyhooz, cue the radiohead...🫠

I rarely attempt to talk with any women I don't know because I don't want to come across as creepy.

Hey Tracy welcome to Permies. A lot of people seem to join Permies looking for love and some do find it. We are a pretty diverse community, with 'making the world better' as a common theme. Why not start your own thread in singles - see if your future partner is looking?! Or just write an introduction thread in the 'introductions' forum tell us about your projects, and become part of (what we humbly believe) to be one of the nicest places on the internet!

I guess I'm kind of creepy-flexible?  I don't find very many things creepy haha.

I don't read or write in the singles section since I'm married so its not really relevent to my life, but I thought I'd just comment to say don't give up on finding someone who is a good fit.  My husband and I met online (way before I joined permies), and yes it took a lot of tries and fails before I found him and yes there were some discouraging experiences, especially being ghosted by guys who I was really into.  I thus stopped dating long distance.  But then I found my now-husband and he only lived an hour and 15 min. away from me, and it all worked out great.  The funny thing is that he was only looking for a short period of time, I was one of the first women he wrote to haha.

Heya,

Generally I find the wordings "soul mate" and "life long" creepy. Because who knows? First maybe get to know one another?

x Naomi Bee

I sympathize with women in having to avoid predatory men, however, I often don't understand their strategy for doing so: specifically, waiting and insisting on extensive conversation before meeting.  The way I look at online dating is that it's should be a way to meet people without men having to 'hit on' women and women being 'hit on' in permies, rather than a way to find out every single thing about a person and potentially fall in love with a person who you've never met and don't even know if they are who they claim to be.  And a background check can be performed in a matter of hours, I'm sure there are sites that a woman can direct a man to go to and enter his information.  Waiting for an extended period of time may weed out some impatient predatory or dishonest/married men, but there may also be men who enjoy playing that game and are willing to do so.  Personally, I tend not to be very good at small talk, especially if I can't see someone's face to gauge how they are reacting, and I find it to get boring and frustrating very quickly.  I also think that over the years, people have become less willing to be vulnerable over the internet.  I did online dating before it was popular and it seemed like people were more willing to share more quickly in the past, or even just sharing in general on the internet.  Or maybe more people are afraid to talk in any situation than ever before.  Really, online dating is no different than meeting someone in a grocery store, once you actually meet--you don't necessarily know anything about some guy that starts talking to you in a grocery store either.  Even in a small community where people have known each other for years, people don't always truly know each other.  There are women who have been married to serial killers for twenty years and never knew until they were caught.  I would humbly suggest that the best way to stay safe is to nourish your intuition and take some precautions, maybe learn some self defense techniques, and then live life.  After all, life is short and no matter how careful we are, any of us can die at any moment from something as random as a burst of lightning or a piece of a Boeing aircraft falling out of the sky.  Maybe sometimes the talk of 'creepiness' is just a justification for getting rid of someone because you aren't ready and maybe you just wanted some attention and validation, but weren't ready for a real relationship with a person who would have needs and feelings.  That's called using people and is a different type of creepy.  Same goes with having unreasonably high standards (snobbery, overly inflated egos, lack of understanding about what men find attractive)--maybe some people deep down want to be alone but don't like what that says about them.  As much as I want everyone to be in a loving relationship, some people may do the world a favor by staying home with their cats.  

I’m happily in a relationship now but last year I posted in the singles forum here. It was eye opening! I was pretty naive in online dating (never had a profile anywhere before). For the most part everyone was kind and respectful, with a few standouts. Multiple wanted open relationships or even a “sister wife” situation that included other women, when I’d stated I’m looking for a partner, not partners. Maybe I needed to say monogamous only? For me that’s a hard no, but I know it’s rather common these days. The second thing that was upsetting was how many messages I received where it’s pretty obvious they didn’t read the post and just launched into a “sales pitch” about themselves. I mean let’s build a connection first, then cover those deeper topics! If a woman says “no longer looking” yet still gets messages, it makes me wonder if those men are listening? The bottom line is that I naively assumed it would be “easy” to meet a like -minded man and build a life together, haha. Little did I know! (I did meet the man of my dreams and we are building our homestead together, but it was only after I went on a dating app!)

Serena Hartwell wrote:I’m happily in a relationship now but last year I posted in the singles forum here. It was eye opening! I was pretty naive in online dating (never had a profile anywhere before). For the most part everyone was kind and respectful, with a few standouts. Multiple wanted open relationships or even a “sister wife” situation that included other women, when I’d stated I’m looking for a partner, not partners. Maybe I needed to say monogamous only? For me that’s a hard no, but I know it’s rather common these days. The second thing that was upsetting was how many messages I received where it’s pretty obvious they didn’t read the post and just launched into a “sales pitch” about themselves. I mean let’s build a connection first, then cover those deeper topics! If a woman says “no longer looking” yet still gets messages, it makes me wonder if those men are listening? The bottom line is that I naively assumed it would be “easy” to meet a like -minded man and build a life together, haha. Little did I know! (I did meet the man of my dreams and we are building our homestead together, but it was only after I went on a dating app!)

What dating app because I have the worst luck here