"Compassion Fatigue" Cousin--Needs Name

I experience a kind of daily demoralization as a housewife/homeschooling mom--like the caring industry's "compassion fatigue." (I need a name for it, and then solutions for it.)

Every day, many times a day, my young-un' has things to do she doesn't like: brushing teeth, exercising outside, practicing the piano, doing her school subjects, picking up, night chores, etc. There are tears for each of these items every day. Not tantrums, just shock and sadness that she is faced with these unbearable burdens again.

Urging a grumpy 7 year old to do the things she must do multiple times a day just about pushes me over the edge by sunset.  

She is extraverted, so she generally always externalizes her feelings. Being introverted myself, I find that her externalizing them grates on me, perhaps more than if I also were extraverted, I think.

Accountability has been key solution before. If I have clear lists prepared for her, and ways to see her progress, she does better.

Timers help us focus and avoid some of the crazy with the set boundaries of short time blocks.

Any other ideas for surmounting this Mentoring-Fatigue?

You list quite a number of chores. You might also try "listing" play times/activities.

We run a Farm School/homeschool for 35 to 40 kids each seasonal session. Ages 15 to 4. We do a mix of academics and play (which is sometimes organized), completely unorganized free choice play, and farm chores. Kids need breaks. Kids learn better they aren't pressured to do work. When you "allow" children to use their imaginations, make up their own stories or play activities, they learn to problem solve. That is much better than learning a set of facts or figures. One thing we do is have "Farm Bucks". When one of the kids does something extra, or behaves especially nicely, or completes some task well, we give them a farm buck. They can accumulate them over time and then "spend" them on all kinds of things. Sometimes they'll get a toy or book they wanted. Or get to choose what the midday snack will be. Occasionally a child will "purchase" the right to throw a cream pie in the teachers face. They can get just all kinds of things. And it gives them motivation to do/act/behave.

The kind of person you are raising is far more important than a list of check marks they can do. Have more fun, more play, relax. She's only 7 (10, 12, 15). She'll get to where she is going if you help her to learn to think and enjoy. Maybe she isn't ready for "school subjects" or playing an instrument. So what. She doesn't want to play the piano, OK, maybe she'd rather be a great kite flyer, or tempera paint painter. It's ok mom, she doesn't have to have to love your expectations. But maybe it would help for you to listen more to her interests. She'll get there. It's Ok.

There is or was a show on TV where a lady would go to people's homes to teach them how to deal with this.

This lady taught parents how to deal with these situations by using discipline, chores, a reward system, etc.

I hope the many parents here on the forum can help you come up with a solution.

Through instruction and observation, she shows the parents alternative ways to discipline their children and regain order in their households. Frost is a proponent of the "naughty chair" theory of discipline and is strictly opposed to physical punishment.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supernanny_(American_TV_series)

Our view was very similar to Jim's above...let them play, a lot, and some of the play was actually what others might call chores.

7 years seems really young for that big a 'to do' list that seems to be wearing out mom more than necessary

I would let several expectations go including the piano practice until she's older and really in to it...then she'll see the need and want to practice if she truly loves piano...or maybe she's really a drumer at heart? Who knows at seven years old?

Make things easier on yourself and let a few things go.....


An after thought...
Our sons are pushing 50 yrs now and in wonderful long lasting marriages.  They have always worked equally hard for wages or no wages.  They grow wonderful gardens and have broad skill sets....and still love to 'play' with rocks and sticks and dirt!

I remember this scene from my childhood. I think I was six. I wanted to accrue some money in order to purchase some thing -- the details are lost in the mists of age, but the way my folks handled that kind of occurrence was to give me chores-for-cash on top of what was expected each day. So my dad suggested some chore -- maybe washing the dirty dishes or something. And I whined that it was too big a chore -- that it would take forever. I remember thinking how insurmountable it seemed. And my dad scoffed, saying it would take 30 minutes if I'd get to it. And I said "I know!" Thirty minutes was an overwhelming length of time to spend working to me at that time.

Remembering that helped me a lot when dealing with my own kids (who are 22 and 29 now). It doesn't provide a solution to parenting fatigue, but for me at least, it helped to empathize with them when their big feelings seemed a little overwrought and maybe it prevented that fatigue just a little bit.

I want to state right off the bat that I do not have kids.

What I do have are my nieces, along with my neighbors boys and their cousins from time to time. We are talking about a pack of 3-6 year olds! Not always all at the same time, but I have a variety of them stopping by seeing what I am up to.

What is incredibly interesting for me to experience is that these kids can feel comfortable enough to whine/complain and sometimes not listen to their stay-at-home parent but if I make a comment they tend to listen without as much of a fuss. Perhaps it is that I am more of a stranger and they are more attentive because they think I'm interesting?

I was moving wheelbarrows of mulch back and forth and one of the boys came over with his toy wheelbarrow and wanted to help me. I gave him a small shovel and we spent the afternoon moving chips all over the place. His mom made the comment that she wished he would work on her garden beds! She had been trying to get him to do some sort of chore but he would fight her every inch. Somehow with me, there was no fight!

I've stepped up when he started arguing later with him mother and stated that the #1 rule at my house is that he listens to his mother or else he can't help me with projects. I have held to it another time he wanted to help but was being tough with his mom. I'm sure he will grow into a fine man one day but for now he is just a boy and will have to learn like we all did.

I'm empathetic to your position and your feelings. Being a parent can't be easy! Make sure to make time for you and your mental stores so you don't get too tired out.

Like a couple other posters here, I don't have kids of my own. I was a nanny for many years, however, for many different families and took a huge role in the raising of my two younger siblings from a young age. I love that you're working with her on lists and I think what other folks have suggested about mixing in fun is great.

Kids, like adults, want to feel like what they do day in and day out is important. They love to feel like they have something to offer - whether that's to themselves or to others. Even little ones want to "contribute" in some way towards the work that the big people are doing. For example, when I was a housekeeper/nanny for a big, wealthy family, I had a terrible time getting chores done. I was always being interrupted - the kids just wanted attention always! Then I realized what they really wanted was to spend some time with me, so I started letting them help me with chores. The kids were 2-12, so they helped in ways that matched their ages - and I often had to re-do chores after they'd helped me - but we all got what we wanted. They got to feel like they were contributing to the house the same way I did - and got the same appreciation I did - and I got to move through the chores. It didn't save me a single minute of time or an iota of effort of course, but I felt it was worth it to avoid the stress it caused us all.

When I think about it, doing chores and homework doesn't sound like much fun to me either. But working together can lighten the load and leave room for some fun. For example, maybe there's an audiobook the two of you can enjoy while you work together on a chore. If you have a library card, you likely have access to an app called Libby which will have thousands of free audiobooks available! Forgive the library plug - I'm no longer a nanny but rather a librarian these days. There might also be some fun programming at your local library where you can let her get some of that extroverted energy out - while you take a break and read in the corner!

You might also see if there's a way to lighten the load for yourself, too. We know that "it takes a village to raise a child," of course, but many of us are working with depleted villages these days. Is there anyone you can lean on to help you with your own responsibilities? Or even just vent to? Those outlets are so important for parents - I wish our communities had more of them.

I raised two children, one who would have challenged a saint (he didn't bounce, he ricocheted! He didn't just walk early, by 11 mnths he was running better than the average 2 year old.)

One thing both my children adored was being read aloud to. They didn't care if I wasn't perfect about it. So to avoid bedtime stress, whining and delays, I would warn the older one at 7:30, that it was "bedtime routine time". That meant, that if he got what he was doing tidied up, got his teeth brushed and his PJ's on, whatever time was left before 8 pm, was "I'll read to you" time. If he took 10 min to get ready, he got 20 min of reading. If he dawdled, whined, resisted until the time was all gone, he got no story that night. My friends were amazed at how "independent" my kids were about bedtime! This carried on *long* after he could read independently. Book choice was mutual - something we'd both enjoy. I quite enjoy reading many children's books.

Another possible approach would be to work in parallel. Ask her to "entertain you with her piano practice" while you wash the dishes, because dish washing is "boring". From an early age, both boys would get pressed into dinner prep duties such as pealing and chopping veggies, and especially, grating cheese. At the moment #2 Son is living at home to help with some of the farm work, but if he sees me get the cheese grater out, it's, "yeah, yeah, I'm coming, I'll do it!" My hands are on the small size, and he knows he can get the job done in half the time!

Not sure if any of those ideas will help, but they also might suggest other options.

Thanks y'all for tons of support. The lenses that the parents and non-parents see through have jointly provided valuable perspective!

Yes, I think I may stop piano lessons--it's my husband that wants them for her anyway at this time, so I will suggest that we re-evaluate for again maybe in a few years. And yes, G does respond better now at this age to other adults than to me, so I am trying hard to work out a co-op situation for the coming school year. Finally, once I get better routines down for the non-negotiables I have left in our home life, we should have smoother sailing.

Truly each and every one of you is the reason that Permies is my favorite website! Thanks again for your input.

I can't stress enough how glad I am you're working on creating a homeschool co-op situation for her, it will change things up for her and give her extravert charge which will help her feel fulfilled and probably lead to better behaviour.

This sounds awful, and I don't mean it to, but if my mother and I had been together all day every day when I was 7 I think we would have killed each other?  Same situation, I'm an extravert and she's an intravert, we love each other, always have, but we process soooooooo differently and so she would get so stressed out by me and it was hard for me because I couldn't understand at that age why.  But being with other people will help her appreciate the way you _do connect with each other and she can tell you what another parent taught, and other kids can learn from you too, I think its a great idea.

If she dislikes the piano practice so much, why is she doing it?  Is piano something she wanted or something you wanted for her?  A system of rewards for doing all the chores, gives a child powerful incentive.  I remember my childhood when my mom insisted I take piano lessons.  I hated it and I was terrified of my teacher, a huge, gruff sounding man and  when I had to play for him my hands would tremble out of fear.  He was aware I was not suited for piano and it was very stressful for me.  He pointed that out to my mom and she finally allowed me to stop.   What a relief.  

Ah yes, the insurmountable obstacle! It can be overwhelming for a kid. It is an opportunity to teach an important life skill: breaking the insurmountable into a bunch of small tasks that seem doable. If someone said you have to move this six foot tall pile of rocks to a new location, you might start whining. But finding the new location and grabbing an armful of rocks is easy. Then go play. Then grab another armful of rocks. No big deal. Hey, the old pile is getting smaller, and the new pile is getting bigger! Progress!

With the dishes-for-cash scenario, maybe, "Well, let's see if this is better... why don't you get everything out of the sink and fill it with new, soapy water? Can you do that? Don't worry about the rest just yet. Then you can go do something else. Do you want to put the forks and spoons in there now, so they can soak for a few minutes? It makes them easier to wash. Everyone has the same problem, we burn a lot of mental energy thinking about how big the task is and how "not interested" we are. But if you break it down into easy-peasy steps, before you know it you're done with the whole project."

Every project is simply a pile of smaller, doable tasks. Some are interesting, some not. But if instead of burning all that mental energy, one simply knocks out even the smallest of related tasks, you get that dopamine rush of having accomplished something that gets you closer to the goal of completing the whole project.

Talking with a kid about this strategy, what he or she has the energy and interest to do right at the moment, or even a mindless task that will be over quickly, and discussing how good it feels to see progress... that can be a powerful revelation and skill to acquire. Best accomplished calmly and with praise for tasks that are well done.

j

Christopher Weeks wrote:I remember this scene from my childhood. I think I was six. I wanted to accrue some money in order to purchase some thing -- the details are lost in the mists of age, but the way my folks handled that kind of occurrence was to give me chores-for-cash on top of what was expected each day. So my dad suggested some chore -- maybe washing the dirty dishes or something. And I whined that it was too big a chore -- that it would take forever. I remember thinking how insurmountable it seemed. And my dad scoffed, saying it would take 30 minutes if I'd get to it. And I said "I know!" Thirty minutes was an overwhelming length of time to spend working to me at that time.

Remembering that helped me a lot when dealing with my own kids (who are 22 and 29 now). It doesn't provide a solution to parenting fatigue, but for me at least, it helped to empathize with them when their big feelings seemed a little overwrought and maybe it prevented that fatigue just a little bit.

I know I’m a little late to this one, but I have been thinking a lot about this subject, so I thought I’d just add on here.
Disclaimer: I’m not a parent, so take this with a grain of salt. I was the kid in this situation and my mother was constantly trying to help me learn how to develop the ability to do things that take self discipline, and the learning of that skill itself became overwhelming, not the actual things or length of list I was supposed to do. Having now grown a little older, I still struggle with this feeling every time “I have to do something”. I’ve learned a few tricks that help. Here’s one: I had to make it my own. I had to have my own reasons for doing it. This is tricky, because they can’t always see/understand possible reasons that come from experience. It’s so easy to think that if a child could just understand your reasons she’ll get it. But just because she can appreciate why you do it, even why you think she should do it, until she finds it worth her  effort, it’s not yet hers. She needs to find her own reasons. Otherwise she’ll be washing the dishes “because mom said I had to” at 75 years old. Not a good thing to rely on, especially through the teenage years, when that has little weight. This is a long term process, learning why you want to do things. Adults struggle with this all the time. Small things make a big difference. A blanket we enjoy seeing spread nicely on the bed is much incentive to make it than a blanket we don’t really care about. Things like that won’t fix it, but can bridge the gap till she experiences some of the benefits. Which has slightly longer effects (probably 😆). A child won’t usually understand until after they’ve enjoyed some of the success of playing the piano, why they should practice. (Again exhibit A here) I find piano enormously satisfying… now, but it grated against my soul growing up. So, here’s an important piece of this. Being that sturdy place that can see a few miles ahead than your child can, makes the child secure. But while you are being that rock that they can bump up against, you can support them in the developing of that process of finding their own autonomy within that chore. For instance, I HATED doing the dishes till I was 26. I had that trapped/dread feeling every day. Until I finally figured out MY way. I use a plastic scrub brush. Not a rag. And I use a dishwasher (despite how unpopular that opinion is on here. ) I wash that scrub brush in the dishwasher so it’s clean every day. Turns out I hate rags/scrub pads. I now find it an easy and satisfying task, which is bizarre to even write. 😆 I did it for my mom till that year. That’s okay for a time. But how I feel now, is free as a bird. Despite the fact, I still (mostly) wash the dishes.
So basically, teaching how to do this process of learning self motivation is a life long struggle and investment. And a wonderful gift.

And maybe you can give them a deadline that says something like “when you’re 12 and you can play …….. and you still don’t find it worth while to you, you can choose to let that chore go.”

All this being said, I got super sick from the stress of full time school in elementary, and my mom took me out and let me have 2 years off to just learn from the outdoors and cooking and stuff. Best thing she could have done.

My mom is remaking a curriculum for piano right (partly because the traditional way didn’t work well on me 😁) now that is full body and uses different areas of the brain and is just interesting to kids, games they do because that’s what children want to do. But she’s still teaching piano (supposedly the thing they hate)

Marj, welcome to the forum!  

I understand very well, the reason your husband wants her to have the music lessons, but wonder if it might go better if she got to choose what instrument to play? That worked incredibly well, for my kids. Music instruction from a very young age has wonderful benefit to a person's overall wellbeing, in addition to supporting math, reading, problem solving, fine motor, and general learning  skills. I always made it a requirement that my kids have some form of music instruction, but allowed them to choose the form. My son chose the trumpet and stuck with it for a few years. My older daughter chose the cello, and likewise stuck with it, several years (both ended when their father/my ex got angry with me over some visitation thing that I don't even remember, at this point, and he refused to take them to their lessons, when they were with him, which was 50% of the time).

The youngest began with the piano, entirely on her own volition, at 18mos, actually playing it, rather than the more typical toddler pounding or poking it. Eventually, she moved on to the violin and the flute, but her greatest love was singing. She's a natural, but even she would balk at practice time, especially as she got to the 'tween' years. As an adult (she's 28, now), she is still very musically inclined, and is glad I kept that rule.

More interestingly, the older 2 who were not so naturally inclined to it, were both frustrated, when they were forced to give their instruments up, and are still grateful for the exposure and appreciation it gave them to music they likely would not otherwise have paid attention.