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permaculture singles

50+ and single discussion thread!

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How to be a good partner to a spouse is something better learned when we're young. If that wisdom is thrown away, or we dont learn it until later...later is, well, possibly better than never.

Someone once told me the fail safe secret to not getting divorced: The secret to not getting divorced is staying married.

Anyhoo.

I'll be 50 in a few days. Im in NC looking for land. Your welcome to introduce yourself if you're so inclined.

Linda Tesdall

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I just found this and it's good to know that I am not the only one in this situation! I'm in my mid 50's. Looking out at the land that I grew up on and thought I'd spend the rest of my life on. My kids are off living their independent lives and I'm trying to figure out what to do with mine at this point. With what all is happening in the world right now I'm having a difficult time deciding the best course of action for me. Where I'm at is too much for me to keep up with and the ex was great at starting projects, but never finishing anything, so there's a lot of work that needs finished. If our country wasn't being destroyed from the inside right now I'd sell it all and downsize to something more manageable, but I have a certain amount of security here with nice neighbors with plenty of space between us, plenty of grass to raise animals and an artesian spring that flows all year round. I just wish Iowa had nicer weather! I'd love to find more like minded people to converse with and hear how life is in other parts of the country. Things here have stayed pretty normal throughout the pandemic etc. I do not want to end up somewhere surrounded by sheeple and crazies or where the government stomps on my freedoms. It'd be nice to have a reliable partner, maybe more, but I'm okay either way. Mostly, I'd just like a closer sense of community with others with similar interests.

Magic Barclay

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I am 50 and living in Victoria, Australia. Love this thread

John Wibel

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Mich Segs wrote:
Someone once told me the fail safe secret to not getting divorced: The secret to not getting divorced is staying married.

That’s nice… stay in an abusive relationship to stay married. We enter into such things to heal and learn. We were born into original innnocence and our egos, community and family programs us. We need to unlearn all of that. So yup we ought to learn these things earlier, but we need to heal generational trauma and let go of beliefs held for generations.

——————

Then the next comment on the state of the world and having most of what you want in Iowa. That is operating through a state of fear; wanting/needing to be in control.

I started in grass fed beef to heal many things two decades ago. In trying to force my beliefs on others it seemed that things wouldn’t change and cattle would be viewed as a good way to draw down carbon. I let go of so much at the beginning of 2019 (mostly intangible things/beliefs and needs to change the physical world. At the point I did, things outside of me began to change. (Which is contained in most spiritual teachings).

I looked at why I wanted to stay, move, do what I want to do and why. I enjoy what I do, want community around me to share with. As I sit in a state of awe/rapture at life around me, things seem to fall in place. This has happened in so many ways recently and I care not to discuss them all in a thread.

Anyway peace. Acting through the lens of fear generally gets you what you fear. I will leave it there.

Anthony Friot

Posts: 65

Location: Northern NY, Zone 4a

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Emily Lorenzo wrote:I'm Emily, in rural north central Florida, USA. I am a 52-yr-old woman, have always been single, no kids. I am striving to be independent, but have to be stuck in the rat race just to afford the bare minimum. I rent a tiny apartment in a 3BR/2BA mobile home that's been divided into two apartments. While I am happily single after many "failed" relationships (upside: they were all important lessons for my personal growth), I often wish I had a partner. It's just so impractical to try to do it all alone. Yet I don't want to settle for less than what I need and deserve, as far as a partner is concerned. After all, I'm not getting any younger. A roommate arrangement would be great at this point, but only with a compatible person. For now, I need to stay close to my job, so relocating isn't feasible. Plus, I have family here, so I wouldn't want to move too far away. This is a very rural area, though, great for practicing permaculture on a larger scale (than, say, the suburbs or urban areas). There is a lot of monoculture here. I could definitely use more permie-minded friends, local ones. I'm connected with a few people, but meetups have been difficult for me to pursue and plan, because of the busy-ness and demands of work and life.

My wife is from Gainesville, FL, and I lived in Ocala, FL. We came here to where I owned property and she fell in love with the area. We found property that she just couldn't live without. We sold all properties what we each owned and bought this place. We have 4 seasons, lovely fall colors in our wooded lots, beautiful snow covered fields in the winter, slippin' and sliding in the spring mud and beautiful summer greenery. We go back to visit friends and family but cannot wait to get back home. It has been far too hot and humid in Florida to enjoy time outdoors for us. Even at Christmas and New Year, temperatures have been 80F+ and is too warm for our tastes. Hats off to the people who do enjoy it, though. I hope you find a method to make your dreams come true. My wife and I didn't meet until we were in our mid 40's. Neither of us had married or had children. Honestly, neither of us truly ever desired them as we were not ready for them and will never be. What I do know,, though, is that the older we get, the more set in our ways we are. We may be afraid to step out and explore. But at our age...who can blame us? It is hard to start over in a new place with a new person. Again, good fortune to you!

Our property information is in our Biography

Anthony Friot

Posts: 65

Location: Northern NY, Zone 4a

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This may not belong here, but I haven't seen another topic like it.

Saint Lawrence County, NY

We are not single. My wife and I have been married for 7-8 years. Please, forgive me not knowing the exact number of years as I will just tell you that time flies when we have fun, but drags on when we don't. Still, we do not regret what we have started. Unfortunately, it feels like we keep starting every new year. The new years starts and we make plans that we think will be attainable. Spring comes and we get mired in mud...literally. Our driveway is over a quarter mile long and we have a myriad of ways to trick our vehicles to make them get out on their own. Mother nature is much more persistent than our vehicles are. But I am persistent, too! Either by tractor or backhoe, our truck gets towed to safety and we can get to town. We drive in as far as we can safely drive and still get back out and walk the rest of the way in. That was the previous 7 years. Last year we were able to bring in many loads of rock for the driveway and we have some drainage dug to help water leech from under the driveway. Anyhow, I got off track. Yearly, we have gains like stone on the driveway or some foundations dug only to have something happen to deter us from our goals. I don't mind writing this because, if you are on Permies, you are familiar with the time it takes to get anything done and the amount of labor it takes to get it done. We are fortunate because our 30 acres is high, amongst the first lands in the area to get sunlight, has many types of soils, grows lots of vegetation, has lots of lovely hardwoods, close to 5 universities, has lots of potential and is paid for. What we have difficulty with is getting things done. My wife works in a career she loves and is great at. Much of what we need done requires more than I can do by myself. We are in our mid 50's and honestly, needing someone that wants this type of life and is willing to work. Not hard, but slow and steady. Not hard enough to get worn out, but be able to help get tasks accomplished. We are both LGBTQ friendly (He is bi/she is open to the idea), lean left, educated and open communicators. We have amassed much stuff to make homesteading work or be able to make other things that will help ease burdens. We love tools and equipment and have a plethora. We just haven't put it all together into a functioning homestead. We have many great neighbors familiar with this life, but they have their own properties, businesses and families. We started late in life and ... well, we are not 30. We have no children so everything we have goes into this property and each other. We are debt free. We don't need money, but we know a good and honest life has balance. We are not looking for any particular type or person/people and we don't discriminate. We want good, honest people to reply. Experience is not a requirement, but a willingness to learn is.

Please feel free to introduce yoursel[f/ves] and provide a bit about the who and why you are and what you would like. Contact is not a contract. You are under no obligation. You may use the Purple Moosage (Now that I know what it is) or email me sl33k3r over at yahoo.com (edited to keep scrubbers from getting email)

Our property information is in our Biography

Jennifer-Lee Fox

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Location: Upstate New York

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Brian Briggs wrote:Brian here from beautiful East Texas.
I agree with all of the sentiments expressed. Single in my 60's with 40 acres means a huge amount of work. Jeff said it best with "I am in love with my land". And I dread the idea of this place going to the State of Texas when I pass with no heirs.

Have you thought about putting the land into a land trust? Where in East Texas. I moved from Houston. Just didn't realize that I needed chickens to eat the fire ants, so it was impossible to grow anything without being eaten.

Stacy Witscher

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Personally, I think the best way to never get divorced is to never get married. Getting married to my husband was my single biggest mistake. I've had a lot of bad things happen to me, but those things weren't choices. He really never wanted to be married or have kids and I don't think that he thought that was an option. It's sad really because his ignorance hurt a lot of people.

I would like a partner. I've never had a partner. But it's seems unlikely because I just won't put up with bullshit and there's a lot of that around.

Living a life that requires no vacation.

Anthony Friot

Posts: 65

Location: Northern NY, Zone 4a

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Stacy Witscher wrote:Personally, I think the best way to never get divorced is to never get married. Getting married to my husband was my single biggest mistake. I've had a lot of bad things happen to me, but those things weren't choices. He really never wanted to be married or have kids and I don't think that he thought that was an option. It's sad really because his ignorance hurt a lot of people.

I would like a partner. I've never had a partner. But it's seems unlikely because I just won't put up with bullshit and there's a lot of that around.

My wife and I met in our 40s. Neither of us had ever been married and have no children. I don't think this is the best way to put this, but we each brought along less baggage than the average mid-life people. People tend to get married earlier than they should, for one reason or another. Only they can say.

We are very close in our thinking and desires that is is almost like being married to ourselves. What each of us lacks in experiences and/or desires, the other fills the void. We both spent many years single, knowing that being alone is better than being in an inappropriate relationship. We didn't marry our lover, we married our best friend. I wish everyone could do that.

Our property information is in our Biography

Stacy Witscher

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Anthony - That's fair. I married young because I wanted more children. I already had one and knew I wanted more. I married at 22, my husband was 33. That seemed like reasonable age for him to have figured things out for himself, but no such luck. Having the option between a good marriage at 40 or children, I would always pick children. Looking back it would have been better to have children without a husband or to have left him years earlier.
But as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

Living a life that requires no vacation.

Anthony Friot

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I often wish I had children. Over writing that wish, quickly, is the knowledge that I have yet to be ready for the responsibility to be a father, mentor, teacher, best friend...a dad. It makes me sad, but I have made the right choice (and the responsibility to do the right thing). I have seen too many parents not be a mom and/or dad and I could not do anything about it. I have also seen parents who were mom and dad. Those children are fortunate.

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Stacy Witscher

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I have recently discussed this issue with one of my kids and they said that asking someone to join our property and work with me could be seen as a Sisyphean task. I was confused because isn't all of life a Sisyphean task, isn't that the lesson. They explained yes, but people don't like to be reminded of this. This doesn't make any sense in my mind. I don't think like this maybe that's part of the problem.

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Heather Staas

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I don't see it that way at all, when you love the work it's soul-quieting meditation. Not that it isn't physically hard for sure. But so are many other things people love spending their time on. Sisyphean is not at all how I see or feel about working with the land, watching the seasons, getting in synch with the cycles. Watching the soil grow in fertility, collecting the bounties are just a bonus but a motivating one. Endless with no reward? Not at all. Getting to quietly watch wildlife enjoying the space I've created; another reward. I guess finding a partner/ helpmate is about finding someone who feels the same way.

"The world is changed by your example, not your opinion." ~ Paulo Coelho

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Stacy Witscher

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Heather - It's not how I feel about it either, that was just my kids perspective. Particularly because the land wouldn't be his/hers, as in ownership. My daughter has had similar problems with boyfriends. They just don't like walking into a situation that's already established. They want everything to be ours, not yours. The property belongs to my family, myself and my kids. Partners will never have ownership. Apparently for a lot of people that is a problem.

Living a life that requires no vacation.

Heather Staas

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No opportunity for ownership would be a problem for me. I'd be looking for some sort of mutual compromise or moving into a shared ownership relationship. It's "fine" in the beginning while getting to know someone. But long term? Nope, ownership would matter to me. I am sure, maybe especially here on permies? that "ownership" is an ideal folks have moved away from. Maybe someday I'd be able to appreciate and be comfortable with it, but I doubt it. It just matters to me. I've considered long term "land lease" type situations and while I see the benefits, it's not for me. I want ownership not just of property but of decisions and changes as well. I want the freedom that comes with not being beholden to someone else's good will and for me that is some ownership investment. I've dated here and there over the last two decades since my divorce; all too often once that first crush wears off I find I'm expected to drop my life and be inserted like some sort of weird puzzle piece into his life. I'm not about that. I don't expect that from another either. I'd want to see a future of consolidating situations, or combining resources to start fresh. And I'm up front about it. I don't need rescuing or being taken care of, and I don't want a partner that needs that either. If the right person comes along and our ideas and goals align, wonderful!

"The world is changed by your example, not your opinion." ~ Paulo Coelho

Anthony Friot

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Stacy Witscher wrote:Heather - It's not how I feel about it either, that was just my kids perspective. Particularly because the land wouldn't be his/hers, as in ownership. My daughter has had similar problems with boyfriends. They just don't like walking into a situation that's already established. They want everything to be ours, not yours. The property belongs to my family, myself and my kids. Partners will never have ownership. Apparently for a lot of people that is a problem.

Heather Staas wrote:No opportunity for ownership would be a problem for me. I'd be looking for some sort of mutual compromise or moving into a shared ownership relationship. It's "fine" in the beginning while getting to know someone. But long term? Nope, ownership would matter to me. I am sure, maybe especially here on permies? that "ownership" is an ideal folks have moved away from. Maybe someday I'd be able to appreciate and be comfortable with it, but I doubt it. It just matters to me. I've considered long term "land lease" type situations and while I see the benefits, it's not for me. I want ownership not just of property but of decisions and changes as well. I want the freedom that comes with not being beholden to someone else's good will and for me that is some ownership investment. I've dated here and there over the last two decades since my divorce; all too often once that first crush wears off I find I'm expected to drop my life and be inserted like some sort of weird puzzle piece into his life. I'm not about that. I don't expect that from another either. I'd want to see a future of consolidating situations, or combining resources to start fresh. And I'm up front about it. I don't need rescuing or being taken care of, and I don't want a partner that needs that either. If the right person comes along and our ideas and goals align, wonderful!

I use to dream of finding someone who had property and a lifestyle like homesteading in process. I loved the idea of being able to help, but that is who I am. I was not a person to care if I owned things. Never owning property, I was ready to move on from wherever I was. But I was renting, I needed a place to stay. I eventually had someone ask me to stay with them to open a business. I figured what the heck, I'm game, Something else to add to my experiences. I ended up living with them/him after their divorce for another 10 years until my future wife found me.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah!
I would have loved the opportunity to work with people to directly impact my and their life. Growing food, raising animals, constructing shelters and workshops. Maybe having a small business for necessary cash for expenses and a bit for the pocket. I'm not ordinary. Most others require more than I do, I'm of simple pleasures. I hope, for the sake of others like me that they can meet up with each other and be happy. Happy as I have been to meet my wife. I don't think marriage is always the answer, but when our system of insurance, healthcare, social security and such is geared for the married couple, I cannot blame others for getting married to get reduced coverage. Besides, my wife REALLY wanted to marry me.
Since my wife met me before I found such an opportunity like you are suggesting, I have become the one offering such an opportunity to a special person or couple to join us for what I would have loved to find when I was younger. With us, though, we have no children and no other heirs. So, we may transfer our property to the other soul(s) who share our lives. Or the property will go to a land trust to local universities as teaching tool/opportunity for future students. BUT! Since nothing we do is ever done and we are always adding projects, we will never die. ;) We are open to discussing most anything. Not saying this is for you, but just to let you know that if I was looking for a situation like you may offer, there has to be someone else who would be right in your situation.

Our property information is in our Biography

Stacy Witscher

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Anthony - I get it. To me, it seems unlikely at over 50 that at least one of you wouldn't have property and a life in a particular place. To my mind, who complains about someone owning a house. My grandson's ashes are buried on this property. We are not giving it up. Others are not so tied to place as we are and that's who I'm looking for. A partner could save money for security if that's the issue.

Living a life that requires no vacation.

Mich Segs

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John Wibel wrote:

That’s nice… stay in an abusive relationship to stay married.

You dont have to stay married. But many people do get divorced due to problems, get married to someone new and have guess what? They have problems again. Ok get divorced. Third times a charm right? Meanwhile fractured home economy, family with various step parents, half siblings and at the end youre still single. Life isnt easy. Bumps in the road happen. Sometimes the road explodes. In the 1960s people decided they would "do what they want" and not be like their miserable parents. But tradition was protecting their parents not making them miserable. What makes people in the material world miserable is this simple truth: life is a bitch and then you die. (And I mean that from a Dharma standpoint.) The above is not the case for everyone obviously, but a lot of people. How to be a good partner for a future spouse is something Americans no longer teach our children either through example or communication.

Stacy Witscher

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Mich - Tradition certainly didn't stop my father and his brother from being miserable just because their parents stayed together. My grandfather was a monster. My grandmother, father and uncle would have all been happier had there been a divorce. At their 50 wedding anniversary party, we were all sitting together and looking at each other thinking why are we celebrating this? This is a tragedy. I'm sure my experience is not unusual.

My children were thrilled when we got divorced. I was happier. There was less drama with him gone. He was never there for them anyway so they didn't miss him.

I firmly believe that staying in a bad marriage helps no one.

That said I agree with you that jumping from one marriage to another seems naive. I had to take a long time to heal before even considering getting into another relationship.

Living a life that requires no vacation.

Christopher Kyprianos

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Hello Heather,

I am from North Central Mass. I came across your post today and wanted to chime in.

The major struggle I have had is time. The days are not long enough to get everything done that I would like to do. Bear in mind that I don't have animals but I have had some fairly large gardens. A couple of years ago I canned about 400 jars of veggies, jams, sauces, etc. This season I have planted more perennial flowers and fewer veggies as I give away most of what I grow to family and friends.

I'm living in a fair good size home with only 3/4 of an acre currently. Everything here is adequate given it's just me. Even if I had a partner or companion I don't see it being too small. I could get some chickens but at the moment I choose to do more recreational activities and don't want to have to run home to feed critters. The home is very efficient energy wise so it is not overwhelming economically even by myself. I currently have two 5 x 20 raised beds, and a few smaller gardens scattered about.

I have been harvesting zucchini, summer squashes, lots of herbs, kale, spinach, lettuce, eggplants, radishes, and a few other items. I also enjoy cooking and eating so I eat fairly well and as often as I can from the fruits of my labors. I have also been involved in the prepper scene over the years and have established a good foundation of emergency gear and supplies. It's good training to have, especially as the supply chain faulters.

I would enjoy chatting with you if you are interested. We are local enough too so if you wanted to see how I do things here and compare notes we could do that.

Heather Staas wrote:Really great points about the trials and struggles with our situation. I figured that's where we could really use a discussion thread like this rather than just an "ad" posting. We might not find our "match" but it's still nice to connect and know we aren't alone with our struggles. And hey, sometimes friendships lead to compromises, or someone's situation changes and down the road things work out in a way we didn't expect. Maybe now we are each in love with our own property or not looking to relocate but that isn't to say that will still be the case in 2 or 5 years.

I had a great farm that I loved and ran for several years. Then it was time to let it go to someone younger and focus on my small business.

Now I'm in the city and my small business is downsized and I'm considering selling it next year if I can again find a young buyer looking to get into the industry.

Then I'm thinking I might be done with our long/cold winters here and considering letting my sweet little urban permaculture plot go in favor of paying cash somewhere a little warmer with a longer growing season and "retiring" early with no more home/land monthly expense.

Who knows. For me, I embrace change and I haven't been a settle down in one place and stay there kind of person. I always really enjoy where I am, but also am open to new opportunities and improvements. But that's just me. It's part of why I'm divorced. My ex is a nice guy, loyal, helpful. We are friends after 15 years apart. BUT. He's a hunker down and make the best of it kind of guy. I'm a stepping stone to the next chapter kind of girl. If something isn't working I don't mind letting it go.

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Mich Segs

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Stacy Witscher wrote: My children were thrilled when we got divorced. I was happier. There was less drama with him gone. He was never there for them anyway so they didn't miss him.
.

My friend's parent's marriage was arranged. I was raised believing that's wrong. But they are a sweet couple and very old and still very together. In the beginning, they acted out of duty and later, love. Shocking, right? When they came to this country, he worked as a machinist at night and med school at day (no sleep) with her at home taking care of their little daughter. If they had been raised with American marriage values they would have never made it because, "we never go on date night anymore". What a mistake. People, both men and women are not good partners to their spouses and they dont even realize it. Truth is: Marriage is not about you, its about the much bigger picture of family and society. Families are the foundation of society. Social ills run parallel to the break down of American family values. My friend's parents live a golden life now, 3 top notch professional kids, retired living in 2 mansions seasonally and very much in love sharing the memories of a lifetime together.

Stacy Witscher

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Mich - All I can say is that I'm grateful that the vast amount of Americans disagree with you. And it seems very odd to be pointing to mansions and professional careers as a measure of success on a permaculture site. I think most of us measure success in life very differently than that. Good luck with your endeavors.

Living a life that requires no vacation.

Mich Segs

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Stacy Witscher wrote:Mich - All I can say is that I'm grateful that the vast amount of Americans disagree with you. And it seems very odd to be pointing to mansions and professional careers as a measure of success on a permaculture site. I think most of us measure success in life very differently than that. Good luck with your endeavors.

There is nothing wrong with regular people making good. The problem imo is globalization, lack of governance that reflects what the people want, exceeding corruption and cronie government and corporations destroying everything for outrageous level greed. Yes a lot of people disagree with that. A lot of people are hypnotized and asleep. At least you're greatful about something even of its something mean.

John Wibel

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Mich Segs wrote:

John Wibel wrote:

That’s nice… stay in an abusive relationship to stay married.

You dont have to stay married. But many people do get divorced due to problems, get married to someone new and have guess what? They have problems again..

Enjoy life, yup I had problems.... Unfortunately the other half in my marriage came from a broken home. So there was no teaching. She gained her sense of value from her perception of me. Wanted me to be a certain way. Numb my brain on TV and I was her safe space to yell at. I asked why shed always take her rage out on me, our son and her mom and we were her safe space where she could do anything. Never apologized or thought that was wrong.

I was watching TV with her one evening (a gardening show), needed to take the dogs for a walk and checked my heart rate 137 Bpm at a resting state.... Half way through the walk it was 90 should have been the opposite. Anyway, she stated then she was a maximalist and that was another nail in the coffin as I'm a minimalist and don't need to work myself to death for her oppulance.

So just maybe societal Norms keep us trapped in a state that does not allow our souls to flourish. It was my uncle telling me to poop or get off the pot that likely got me married to her and I likely would have ended it if not trying to do as society expected in the beginning. Maybe what society expects is part of the problem. More stuff, mansions and what have you.

What are we strong for
In our quest for ever more

Are we trying to fill a hole
in our everlasting soul

Whilest I do not know
I fret that it is so

Ybul

Terry Wilson

Posts: 32

Location: Goldsboro, United States

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Ok, senior woman here - turned 70 this spring!! move over youngsters! Michael Tellinger’s One Small Town - is he the one who's theory was to try an live in small groups with barter and little money??? Is anyone trying to do this??

Michaell White

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Emily Lorenzo wrote:I'm Emily, in rural north central Florida, USA. I am a 52-yr-old woman, have always been single, no kids. I am striving to be independent, Yet I don't want to settle for less than what I need and deserve, as far as a partner is concerned.

And what is it that you need and deserve? May I ask? :D

Mich Segs wrote:
If they had been raised with American marriage values they would have never made it because, "we never go on date night anymore". What a mistake. People, both men and women are not good partners to their spouses and they dont even realize it. Truth is: Marriage is not about you, its about the much bigger picture of family and society. Families are the foundation of society. Social ills run parallel to the break down of American family values.

Very true

Kyle Hayward

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Location: Oh-Hi-Oh to New Mexico (soon)

posted 1 year ago

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Catherine Carney wrote:
I know that part of the solution is to be more involved in groups that support my interests, but as an introvert I tend to be "peopled out" by the end of the day and find being around people I don't know well exhausting.

I can most certainly identify with this. I've always worked "extrovert" type jobs and love doing so, but when the day is done, the real me, an introvert at heart, goes home and would like to be left alone, except of course by the people I care for...my most recent work was as a peer supporter for people in recovery was exhausting and fulfilling all the same. It involved alot of heartache as well as days of elation and light helping and watching people grow and get healthy!

Now I work for family as a paralegal and it is isolating and there is just too little socialization, but I still find some with my friends etc... haven't dated in 3 years and am thinking of posting on the singles thread here.

Hope you are well Catherine! "May the road rise with you..."

Woodruff Charles

Posts: 17

Location: Ontario, Canada

posted 1 year ago

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I was really happy when I found this thread today, but then as I read through posts I watched it peter out after several months. Kyle’s post saved it from a full year of silence.

It is harder being single at this age, but I think we’re also all a bit on the introvert side. Added to that is that a lot of us are more settled, or have land.

That’s the case for me. I’d always hoped to have a partner to go offgrid with, but now I find myself going ahead and doing it solo. It gives a feeling of deep satisfaction, but seems a bit lacking in joy at times.

I’m really not one to reach out to a lady first. Especially online it just feels a bit forward to me. If there’s anyone in the US midwest (current haunts), or Ontario (new land) that would like to break ground together, drop me a line. It isn’t my looks that scare women away, it’s the whole offgrid, small holding, pioneering wackadoodle thing.

What has people’s experience been with permie type classes? I’ve heard that suggested as a way to meet people, but I’m just not comfortable “making the first move” in an environment like that.

Heather Staas

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Location: Western MA, zone 6b

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posted 1 year ago

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I'm so glad folks are still visiting and finding value in this thread, and reviving it!

I read back through the beginning and I'll toss out an update and some new/revisited thoughts.

Still single here, lol. One of the things I struggle with when getting to know someone is the whole "already have property" thing. That's not BAD per se, but it's bad to me if there is no room for growth, incorporating my wants/desires/goals/projects into it. Sometimes I feel like I'm just an appliance that someone wants to plug into that empty gap in their kitchen so their life feels complete. I'm looking for, even at this age, someone that wants to BUILD SOMETHING NEW TOGETHER. That doesn't have to mean moving or giving up property, but it's not likely you are going to have my "dream" property/lifestyle already cookie cutter in place. In which case, I'd be happier staying where I am and continuing building my own life and future.

I do NOT mean that as a complaint against folks who really are settled and have created something they want to share with a partner. There isn't anything wrong with that.

I said recently to an online dating prospect that "I'm not everyone's flavor of weird" lol. My image/photos don't necessarily create a stereotype they can easily slot me into, and it's not easy to polarize me into a caricature. It takes time to get to know me (and everyone really) and for all the nuances to unfold! I sometimes feel alone on that quest/approach!

I did talk to one guy, seemed super compatible.. we chatted a couple times a day for 3 weeks, planned a first date. Seemed genuine, our conversations were very nice, had some depth, no weirdness on my radar. Then a couple days before we met I realized I didn't know his last name so I asked. I assumed it was a funny oversight we had been talking about so many other things without any vagueness, etc. He deleted and blocked me! That was a big surprise. Back to the drawing board.

Let's see.. I've joined meet up groups, a local gardening club, started going to dancing once a week (lessons and practice), going on cultural event tours once a month, tried a new online dating platform. I've opened up a lot to making it more of a priority to find community and friendships. I've met LOADS of really nice... women. The support and comraderie has been lovely, but I can't say it's moved me any closer to finding a romantic partner. It's enhanced my life and got me out of a rut, so that's worth something in and of itself. I've also been more conscientious about checking in with friends and reaching out.

"The world is changed by your example, not your opinion." ~ Paulo Coelho

Ted Abbey

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Dang.. I’m only 49, but I will check back on this thread and weigh in seven months. I expect to still be single by then, and contentedly so!

Kyle Hayward

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Location: Oh-Hi-Oh to New Mexico (soon)

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Best of luck to you too Charles!

That was a great post Heather, really odd what happened with that guy you almost went out with, but if asking his last name set him off after getting to know each other, well then certainly you're better off without.

I totally get it about the whole "already have property" thing.
And the "I'm not everyone's flavor of weird" is awesomely funny. I get that too, as a guy that gardens and likes to cook, read and is an artist, some women see that as odd, even though I'm 6' 178lbs. and I'll cut you're darn tree down and build furniture etc, you know 'manly' stuff... some have found that a little off of their sterotypical image of a guy. Well tough, I do what I enjoy and have alot of interests, mostly involving using my hands.

That's also really great that you got out there and joined some groups, something I would like to do more of, if only there were 48 hrs in every day. Right now I work 40 and have two big dogs and am naturally a homebody but still have my meetings for socialization (15 years in recovery).

I did pick up a book on the FIRE method for income in additon to already having the funds to buy land and build a strawbale home, am actively downsizing and simplifying my life...slowly but surely.

Honestly I'm quite happy being alone but for those moments of romance and companionship and sharing. I consider myself to be an aesthete, and it is truly those times especially when I want to share in something beautiful that I feel alone.

But I think we should try to remember that we're not alone in our endeavors, I think we all have a tendency to have some self-pity and feel that ache of loneliness, but I would hope all of us have someone to reach out to in those times. My son is my best friend, he's 22 and slowly moving on to his own life
( actually he is in Mass. right now visiting a friend), so I miss him and see less of him as he does but I still have my peeps, I have a best friend since 4th grade whom is more like a sister, I call her "sis" that I can always reach out to.

Joanne Ramone

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I'm glad this thread was revived too.

At 55, after a lifetime of wishing for a home, I am finally able to build my homestead. It's a very different vision from the one I had when I was 20. Along the way I have lived with men who had already begun that journey and I put a lot of work into building their dreams with them. Then, when the relationship tapered off for whatever reason, it was understood that it was their land and I would be the one to leave. I guess I could feel bitter that I invested in their homestead and now can't enjoy it, but I like to think of those times as solidifying the skills I would need to build my own place someday.

While I build my home, my kitten and I live in a 140 sq ft tiny house, where there is no room for another person. I lived on a 30' sailboat for 10 years and tried to incorporate a man and his dog with me and my dog in that very tiny space. That lasted all of a few months before I booted him (I would have kept the dog though). He insisted on being Captain even though he knew nothing about sailing and it wasn't his boat. So that's one thing. Finding a 50-something man not steeped in the I Am Always Boss mentality is really hard. Even when they perceive themselves as equitable. Ideally it would be a trade off based on energy level and strengths at the moment with a lot of collaboration. I don't want to be told what to do all the time, but I'm also not interested in being mommy to a grown up.

At this point I am not willing to abandon my hard won plans to go build someone else's dream. Plus I confess to a certain wariness about allowing anyone access to my sanctuary. That guy on the boat piped up with "we should get married!" I asked "why?" And he said, "because if one of us dies, the other one gets their stuff." and also "if we get arrested in Mexico for having a gun, they'll put us in the same cell." By that time I had already begun to figure out the best way to evict him. Hard to do once a person is dug in. His parents helped me extricate him, thankfully.

We all want to be appreciated for who we are, not what we have. If the common Permie Nerdle thread we have is the outdoor rugged lifestyle, won't the threat of relationship for opportunistic acquisition sake always be on the table? I know what it feels like to lose your relationship and your home at the same time. And really, never feeling like it is your home, but that you are an extended guest at the mercy of landlord or lover. Even when I was married there was no sense of security of place because it was HIS.

Two recent attempts to be open to letting a person into my life fell flat, similar to Heather's experience. Abrupt unexplained silence - to which I attribute a low level of emotional intelligence. For if it is Ambivalence, the answer is always no, and manning up to say "thank you, but this is not for me", is wanted. Or if there was a misunderstanding, calling it out and giving the offender an opportunity to apologize or explain is reasonable. But straight up crickets during the course of a friendly chat seems the way of both the dating and job seeking world these days. "Don't call us we'll call you" used to be reserved for the aspiring actor set.

Options I am considering is to incorporate other humans into my relationship sphere are - building in an ADU / Tiny house to allow each their own space while we do the Togetherness dance slowly. Preferably the Tiny belongs to them so their continuity of Home is not interrupted if we fail to navigate our relationship journey.

And I am designing the house with a second person in mind. In my 20's a boyfriend berated me for making my little Mazda B2000 into a camper truck which clearly would not comfortably contain two. Duly noted. But then, that guy was one of those who hogged the bed and the covers, so maybe I was subconsciously making a statement.

Time to go out to the sawmill before it gets wicked hot. I probably wrote too much here, but that's what you do when you mostly talk to yourself.
Be well, y'all.

Hester Winterbourne

Posts: 502

Location: West Midlands UK (zone 8b) Rainfall 26"

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posted 1 year ago

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Heather Staas wrote:...making it more of a priority to find community and friendships. I've met LOADS of really nice... women. The support and comraderie has been lovely, but I can't say it's moved me any closer to finding a romantic partner. It's enhanced my life and got me out of a rut...

This then. Why are we so focused on the "romantic partner" and by implication, one of the opposite sex?

Amy Bane

Posts: 3

posted 1 year ago

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Am I allowed here if I am 3 months away from turning 50? 😁

Nissa Gadbois

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Location: Barre, MA and Silistra, Bulgaria

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Robin Harvey wrote:Count me in. Single, later in life and missing companionship. Have land, plans and dreams.
I just wonder why it appears to be so difficult to connect with like-minded individuals.
r

I feel this keenly. My partner and I are separated but cohabiting and coparenting our remaining four kids. He's not interested in the farm at all anymore, though he's good about bouncing ideas off of sometimes. I have a large farm, plans, dreams, and no companions to work with. I've just turned 52 and I'm in pretty decent shape. I also have an adult loved one who needs a lot of my care, so that limits me socially.

What to do? I'm not sure. It's fairly lonely, this. I don't want to do it alone. I feel rudderless without companions to work alongside.

Great thread. Thanks for posting.

Nissa Gadbois - RenaissanceMama
Events at Renaissance Farms

Joanne Ramone

Posts: 30

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Thinking out loud. There are many people fleeing war, poverty, climate change... this site seems pretty international. This must have been discussed somewhere here before.
Our town just hosted a number of Ukrainians, Argentinians, and others who needed a safe soft landing place to regroup.

Perhaps that is one answer? Working through a refugee help agency to sponsor an individual or family to assist them in their new home search journey? It's not a long term relationship, but you might end up being friends forever. I think often about the women caring for children alone because their menfolk have been killed or are still fighting. It's an emotional thing for sure. But maybe our concept of Community could encompass a wider world this way?

I'm not yet ready to take my own advice. 140 sq. ft too small for more than one. Possibly future will allow for space to host people seeking shelter.

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