Would rather not be single...but

I've been wondering whether or not I felt up to joining in this thread, but I've decided to go for it.

I've never dated in my life. When my husband died four and a half years ago, the moment I felt 'ready' I browsed a few dating sites, then sent my old best friend from school, who was still (and rather determinedly...) single a facebook message and basically said 'You and me babe, how about it?'

Poor thing was shocked as hell. I gave him time to absorb what I'd asked, we stayed best friends from afar, then shit happened in his life and I ended up dropping everything and flying back to the UK to help him look after his dad after a fall and help get dad's farm ready for sale and keep dad from getting depressed at having to move. It took us a week to bring up the subject of 'Oh yeah, remember that conversation we had about me needing a partner?' By which time I'd taken over the spare room and become a pretty integral part of the family. Plus he was about to become homeless when the farm was sold.

Chaos continued to happen around us, adventures were had, he ended up driving me and my new dog back to Portugal, after finding a house-sitting job which kept us off the streets while the dog's rabies vaccination took effect which meant we had three months to get used to being a couple. And we never did any of that nasty dating business. After spending three days and nights on the road getting me and the dog back to Portugal, he came to the conclusion that if I could put up with him being in that close proximity for three days and nights solid, then it was meant to be and we finally announced it to the world. And the chaos has been happily ensuing ever since.

For the record, we're both aspies/austistic. Neither of us ever to anything 'by the book'. We're both very open and honest and straightforward and a bit geeky, which tends to annoy other people, but around each other we drop the aspie masks and can each be completely ourselves. We have an odd relationship but there's total, utter trust and commitment between us. It's been four years now. Still never dated... ;)  

I think what I'm trying to say is that dating isn't for everyone. But there are other ways. If you don't fit in the dating mold, you will likely find that your ideal partner doesn't either. You just have to be a bit creative about finding and communicating with them.

Burra I am so glad you decided to share that story!    Thank you.

Burra that's one of the most awesome stories I've ever heard! 😉 I'm so glad you shared it with us, I appreciate your words, they mean a lot. I'm also glad we finally have some women sharing there opinions/stories on the thread. 😁👍

Daniel, I've been accused of not living in the real world my whole life, what's so funny about that, I've lived through a lot of real world experiences and I'm still here, but it's probably because I'm a fairie! 🤪JK.

Glad you enjoyed it, and I hope it inspired you in some way!

I'm still mulling over a post for the love-language thread. Not sure how much to share, but I suspect a few lessons can be gleaned from my experiences that too. Maybe later, if my energy holds up...

Nicole, from your posts, it sounds like you have a Christian background.
Good thing my weirdness really progressed AFTER dating, marriage and half-dozen kids. Not sure how many ladies would be brave enough if meeting me today for a committed relationship with a short, religious, conservative libertarian that believes the EARTH IS FLAT.... among other things! My wife says that what attracted her most to me, was that I was not like anyone she had ever met... and that was when we were younger and I was just getting warmed-up! So keep being different, and just improve in those areas you know need some sprucing up.

I still get myself blackballed in family or potential friend relationships because of my un-ashamed open conversations pretty early on about conspiracy truth or world views/history I love to challenge (like UN Agenda 2030, virtues of Polygamy, Chem-trails, Co-vid lies, or the evils of Marxism in western society today). Some suggest I should discuss things that relate to most people (sport or the socially acceptable topics)... not the controversial, why... boing & pointless. Yes, this drives most away, but these are not the ones I am hoping to have in my families inner circle. It has payed off though, and those core relationships with the select few are wonderful and meaningful. Being in this small (sometimes lonely) minority, is also a huge blessing.

What I am getting to here is, keep diving in head first with meaningful philosophical discussions. No need to change or conform. If he sticks around and engages at your level, then you know you have a potential candidate. You need to be equally yoked with the one you plan to have a life with. As you spend time with like minded people, you will more likely connect with this potential relationship. All you need to do is be ready and willing. If you run away, or quit after a few tries, you may sabotaged the success that is right around the corner.

Sounds like you are on the right path now if you have a goal to become a wife and mom, just be ready for anything and a bit flexible, like that no more than 10 years older "requirement". This stipulation may not matter, but it also may if you meet a man you love that is 11 years your senior. Oh, and prayer is a must on things like this. This turned into a soapbox situation... Oh well, I get going and....

the one thing that I find is the diverse Communications that no one ever takes into consideration.  People just need to learn how to calibrate with each other because there are so many definitions for the same terms.  The main things missing online are facial expressions, eye contact and tone of voice so easily throws things off balance  

look at how many definitions of Spiritual there are for example

Russ, not sure how my posts come off giving the idea that I have Christan background, but the best way to describe my view or beliefs in ("religion") would be to say I have Faith, Hope, & Trust. I believe the 10 commandments where commands not suggestions, and the greatest being love for ALL, that means to me...for EVERYONE! 😁

As far as locking myself into a category, I'll never fit into any of them. Anything and everything is on the table to be tested and discussed, I have experience in or with many kinds of religious people's or groups, and I love them all.

The only thing I will say for myself, is that I am not Catholic, while I do love them and enjoy a conversation, we are probably not going to find ourselves agreeing on a lot of points, but it all just depends on the individual.

I haven't posted in a long time but the subject has been coming up a lot in my life lately. Coincidence?
I'm in recovery as are all my friends. We're all in our '60s and one friend recently started dating and finds she likes it after 20 years of no relationship, while another friend has had no less than six boyfriends in 7 years. I've dated. I hate it...thinking to myself "Well, this is an hour I won't get back". People in recovery tend to be divided on dating other sober people (who are sane - a bunch of us aren't) or that it doesn't matter. For me, I've done both and definitely prefer someone that knows what this lifestyle is all about. If you're not in it, you can't know it. There's got to be meat on the bones, and a good sense of humor to go with it. Has anybody mentioned that here? That someone who can make you laugh is important? Someone that finds how ridiculous life is hysterical?
After decades with only a few marriages (😏), lots of short relationships, and a few one-off dates, my bar has gotten higher and higher and I'm unlikely to settle for someone that's just okay. I love my little farm, my animals, and my vegetable gardens. I like my own company just fine and I too can go days on end without talking or seeing anyone. Of course none of my friends think this is okay. I'm not hiding, I just don't want to date for the sake of dating.
And I don't suffer from shyness. I am frequently the speaker in front of large groups. I'm just weirdly content with my own company. My friends ask "don't you want a relationship?"  I'm just not sure. There's a lot to give up, and some stress involved. Does anybody else have this going on?

I've been thinking along similar lines lately. I'm a true introvert who NEEDS time away from other people otherwise my head feels like it's going to explode. It really is the solitude that energizes me. But I love people. I love talking and spending time with other people. And ever since I was little I wanted to get married and have kids.
But going back to what the original poster said; dating today does feel like it's gone so...wrong. I know people date. I've even seen people date successfully. But I feel like half the time you get those people in a more private setting all they talk about is how much the other person is annoying them or they all say the same thing "don't ever get married."  
It just makes me think "oh my god! Does anyone like being in a relationship?" I've never been in a serious relationship so I don't have first hand knowledge of what that's like. In my head it would go something like: you meet someone who has core values that aligned with yours. That's enough to want to get to know them better. In getting to know them, if all goes well, you develop trust and mutual respect and friendship. From that grows love and from there you decide if you want to build a life together. Simple. Easy to remember.
One problem I've come across is men who will put up a singles post and have "no free loaders." Or "I don't want a woman who's just gonna hang around the house all day." I think to myself "okay, that's a fair thing to ask. Nobody wants to be used or have a lazy partner." But then in talking to this person more or just reading more of their profile I realize "no free loaders" actually means they want the woman to be the main financial provider and they want her to work the land, keep the house, have and raise the kids, be physically available to him all the time, cook all the meals and never do or say anything that might annoy him. He basically just wants to be the task master or the idea guy.
What exactly do I get out of this relationship?
I once heard a guy say "well, men offer protection." I see. So let me get this straight. I'm supposed to work like a dog providing for you and making you happy every day for the rest of my life on the off chance that maybe possibly someday in the future you might save my life? And what happens if you don't? Well that just sucks for me doesn't it?
I do know not all men are like this. And I've also seen it flipped where the woman comes in with her long list of demands and when the guy asks her what she brings to the relationship she says "me." Yeahhhhh. Okay.
I don't have an answer as to why dating feels like hell. Does it have anything to do with being introverted? Or is it the way we go about it is all wrong?
And then to Leslie's post: do I even want a relationship? I know I can find peace and contentment in my own company. Do I really want to go through all the bother and heartache on the off chance that I might find that same peace and contentment with someone else. I don't know. I love the idea of a relationship. I'm just not certain the reality is all it's cracked up to be.

Michele Rose wrote:
One problem I've come across is men who will put up a singles post and have "no free loaders." Or "I don't want a woman who's just gonna hang around the house all day." I think to myself "okay, that's a fair thing to ask. Nobody wants to be used or have a lazy partner." But then in talking to this person more or just reading more of their profile I realize "no free loaders" actually means they want the woman to be the main financial provider and they want her to work the land, keep the house, have and raise the kids, be physically available to him all the time, cook all the meals and never do or say anything that might annoy him. He basically just wants to be the task master or the idea guy.
What exactly do I get out of this relationship?

Nothing. Unfortunately those men exist and I can only recommend to avoid them.
For me it is my responsibility to ensure a stable and sufficient income. If she wants to work because she enjoys it and it gets her outside the house, great. But it should not be something that is needed because my income is not sufficient.

Men with values and responsibility have to exist somewhere...

Michele Rose wrote:
One problem I've come across is men who will put up a singles post and have "no free loaders." Or "I don't want a woman who's just gonna hang around the house all day." I think to myself "okay, that's a fair thing to ask. Nobody wants to be used or have a lazy partner." But then in talking to this person more or just reading more of their profile I realize "no free loaders" actually means they want the woman to be the main financial provider and they want her to work the land, keep the house, have and raise the kids, be physically available to him all the time, cook all the meals and never do or say anything that might annoy him. He basically just wants to be the task master or the idea guy.
What exactly do I get out of this relationship?

This hit home so much with me, I literally just had this conversation with a close friend yesterday, spesiphicly the type of man that seems to be sprouting up everywhere these days. The line in there about "have and raise the kids" I had a man tell me who wanted to be more than friends, that he would want 7-8 children, so that means I would literally be pregnant for the next 14+ years of MY life. What's funny is I would also be expected to do all of the above that you mentioned, which means to me, that because I'd be expected to work also, he doesn't actually want ME to MOTHER our beloved children, someone else would because I'd be working.😠 I get Soooooo fed up with this type of man or men. It's as if your supposed to be so honered that you've been selected by this type of man, (as there breeding cow) and I to am left thinking, what the HELL do I get out of this? I don't even get the joy of raising the children that I'm expected to produce.😐

For myself, I would prefer a man that was the main provider, that frees me up to have and raise our child or children, and I know that if the man expects to be paying all the bills, in our relationship, my chances of getting a responsible man go's up. Now on the other hand, if we could find something we could work on together to bring in funds, that would be cool as well. I've personally had I job since I hit 15, and honestly I love to work, the satisfaction I feel from bringing in something to get myself ahead, is yeah very satisfying, but I always thought that when you found your special someone, that it wouldn't be expected to be your main job, especially if that man wants children.

I'm also Soooooo tired of the bad rap that stay at home moms get, let me tell you people NO other job, comes close to being a stay at home mom. My mother did it, and it's HARD work, on top of that you have to deal with all the stigma of this wild idea, that all you do as a stay at home mom is bake cookies, and eat chocolates or something like that. Let me tell you THATS not what my mother did as a stay at home mom. I'd put my mother up against any man today, she could out work you all, not only that but she could do it with a laundry basket on her hip, one arm tied behind her back, a broken leg, and a blindfold. THAT is unfortunately the caliber of the men were seeing in today's dating world, and yes I'm finding myself sickened and disgusted, and I to am left wondering what do I get out of this relationship?

So what's wrong with dating today? There's NO (men) out there. I see a lot of boys, but no men. Bummer.

I think it's funny in some groups it's expected to pay a bride price, so your actually  attributing value to your responsibility taking on a bride/wife, a treasure. But today's man seems to want a mommy for himself, NOT a bride or wife. Like I said bummer.

Nicole Blank wrote:Unfortunately Terry, small talk to me is like pulling fingernails, I'd rather nose-dive into a deep philosophical discussion, I have found this is NOT considered attractive.

The last woman I dated would just look lost if I tried a deep conversation. I don’t have anyone to unload my deep thoughts on other than my kids.
I’m 46 and have only dated 2 women. I really don’t know how to go about it. I am so unique that I assume there is no one out there for me. In the past when I would open up to people about my beliefs or how I live I would be laughed at so I mostly keep to myself.

This is fascinating. So many different points of view from every person that's participated is refreshing. Got me wondering. What if we were these people? Out in the world, I mean. Dating is so goofy with all that so tell me about yourself what do you do where do you live...it's like groundhog day. What if we just chucked that all aside and said everything we've said here? Wonder what would happen then?

Leslie Russell wrote: What if we just chucked that all aside and said everything we've said here? Wonder what would happen then?

That can happen, but only if people choose it. I think permies is the perfect place to do so. It looks like people are starting to already.

Random thought,

Been doing some thinking on relationships, even attempted to get to know a few people, I did try out the whole phone call thing, and I realized I'm as interesting as a plank of wood to speak with, I apparently have trust issues, letting people into my life has never been a good idea, if you don't let anyone in, then you'll never be hurt. This is a lie.  I'm working on this in my life, you just end up feeling very alone and lonely.

What brought this thought process on? I started to panic a little this morning, as for a moment, I thought the longest running relationship I've had in my life was ending, (don't worry my coffee maker was fine😏) but it did get me thinking, when your longest running relationship outside of your family, is a coffee maker, that's probably not a good thing.

Reading this made me realize I don’t want to ‘date’ and my recent thoughts on where would I even find someone compatible made me decide to get back together with my last girlfriend. Even though she gets annoying sometimes she still meant more to me than my coffee maker.
I didn’t actually have a dating phase with her. I knew her for a long time, probably 30 years. One day I got up the courage and asked her if I could cuddle with her sometime. That was what I genuinely wanted but one thing led to another.
Our personalities are different but our beliefs are very similar.
Some how or another this awesome thread made me decide to fix things with her.
Thank you Nichole and all of the other wonderful contributors. I pray you all find the person you need 🤗

Nicole Blank wrote:
....But today's man seems to want a mommy for himself.  

So I'm writing this from the perspective of a still married male in his 60s who has traversed this terrain for many decades....and won't refute your words here.  Only to say I see an equal number of others looking for that daddy to take care of things in their life as well.  When either half of a couple is psychologically 'projecting' or 'transferring' behaviors or idealizations onto the other that may not be there, then one or both is still operating out of a place of non-truth and that needs to be addressed.  But your point is well taken and not without merit....

Nicole Blank wrote:
...... I realized I'm as interesting as a plank of wood to speak with, I apparently have trust issues, letting people into my life has never been a good idea, if you don't let anyone in, then you'll never be hurt. This is a lie.  I'm working on this in my life, you just end up feeling very alone and lonely.

Even cottonwoods can have some pretty good conversations.....but maybe you are actually walnut and just needing to find that right elm or maple to complement your idiosyncrasies.   Not a fan of dating and never was, but it seems to work for many.  Trust issues are huge for both spouse and I so this was a double whammy from the start....but mother nature has her hands over your ears and eyes in those younger years and prefers you not to see these things until you've provider her with some offspring. Only *then* will she grant you a modicum of self-awareness.  In the end you are right....not letting anyone in very often leads to that other injury of destitution.  And as Ms. Joplin insightfully wailed, "Freedom's just another word for nuthin' left to lose..."

Umm Thomas, I guess your welcome lol! 🙂👍

John I'm sure your trying to say something, but I don't understand a thing about it sorry.🙃 I like oak trees 👍

Nicole Blank wrote:John I'm sure your trying to say something, but I don't understand a thing about it sorry.🙃 I like oak trees 👍

Nicole B., I'll start with another favorite quotation:

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." -- Carl Jung

A good example of unconscious things that can trip us up are people who are 'triggering' to us.  Say you have 8 -10 co-workers who you interact with fairly well and then another co-worker who intermingles at times that really drives you up the wall!  You ask the other co-workers privately at times if that one person drives them up he wall as well and they respond "Not so much....".  Very often this is because, for you, there is some aspect of that person who 'triggers' an unconscious recall of someone or some situation in your past that probably made you feel uncomfortable, but you've unconsciously over the years blocked out memory of that person or that event from your past because of the discomfort involved.  Those early life interactions often are not gone, they are blocked in places within us that can't easily be seen or accessed as so we react, in this case to irritating co-worker person, in a hyper-responsive way.  That co-worker may indeed be irritating, but our reaction to them is 'over the top', indicating something probably within us that is unseen, but still influencing our reaction.

For sure there can be and likely are many men out there looking for a mommy replacement.  But if this type really irritates you, it can't hurt to ask why (a) your reaction may be 'over the top' (I'm not saying that it is....that is for you to decide) or (b) why you may find yourself dating/interacting more with those types than with other types of men.  For example, in a case that would be called "projection", if you find yourself really irritated by men looking for mommy figures, it's always good to self-reflect and ask "Do I have daddy issues that I dislike having?".  This would be classic 'projection' where we cast attitudes and behaviors onto often innocent others because we want to dis-own that aspect in ourselves and that irritating "mommy's boy" is what's called a 'suitable screen' onto which to project this unlikable aspect of ourselves.  Again, these are just possibilities, but with some pretty good documentation behind them in psychological research.

A corollary to this but in a different vein is the unconscious immersion into fantasies about how we *want* our life and partner to be, to the extent that we will discount and jettison those potential partners from our radar because we feel they in no way can fit into our lives......when in reality we are trying to fit them into an unreal subconscious fantasy of a life together.  This can be very damaging to the *potential* good life together that may never happen because it was cut short for an unhealthy reason.  These are not easy concepts to come to grips with for anyone raised with many of the family and cultural messaging that can occur, but it may provide some help in navigating the search for one or more special people in your future.

As for liking oak .... .....  this may actually be a revealing choice.  If you like to read and have never enjoyed Thomas Hardy's "Far from the Madding Crowd" (British 19th century agrarian tale), you may find your archetypal male......and courtship.....in the character of Gabriel Oak (farm hand) and his long-winding road to winning his mate, Bathsheba Everdene (farm owner).

Short story long.... Keep doing what you enjoy, try to be social within those enjoyed spaces and situations when you can, and take some chances with those with whom you feel safe.  Let me know if this still is too obscure and not useful......Continued good luck in your journey!

Thanks John🙂 this made more sense to me, I've never read that book before but I'll look into it.

I have a math brain 👍 I like numbers. Haha well I like oaks because I planted one as a child, we grew up together, wasn't fair though it got way taller than I did! 😁

Nicole Blank wrote:

I'm also Soooooo tired of the bad rap that stay at home moms get, let me tell you people NO other job, comes close to being a stay at home mom. My mother did it, and it's HARD work, on top of that you have to deal with all the stigma of this wild idea, that all you do as a stay at home mom is bake cookies, and eat chocolates or something like that. Let me tell you THATS not what my mother did as a stay at home mom. I'd put my mother up against any man today, she could out work you all, not only that but she could do it with a laundry basket on her hip, one arm tied behind her back, a broken leg, and a blindfold. THAT is unfortunately the caliber of the men were seeing in today's dating world, and yes I'm finding myself sickened and disgusted, and I to am left wondering what do I get out of this relationship?

So what's wrong with dating today? There's NO (men) out there. I see a lot of boys, but no men. Bummer.

Hi, Nicole.  I've been reading through this post.  There are loads of things I can comment on here.  I've had similar difficulty finding someone.  I, like a lot of people here, find small talk to be agonizing.  A few days ago I was wheel barrowing down a street in town and these 2 very attractive young ladies were standing by the road.  They both perked up as I walked up almost blocking my path.  I've been meaning to be more social so I said hi, and asked if they were waiting for the bike rental guys.... yes... and just then the opposite of what you posted above flowed through my head.  Something along the lines of, oh, great... these girls are both going to be useless wastes of time who want to take and have nothing to offer, etc.  So, I politely said, Oh, he should be back any minute, and carried on my way.

Walking away I though.... what the hell is wrong with me?  They just saw me dirty, and walking with a wheelbarow and actually wanted to talk.  ...on the other hand I'm tired of wasting time and energy on getting to know someone just to find that they're way more horrible than I thought they could be.

I think there's a trap that introverts fall into.  It's that we never meet.  It takes an extrovert to push their way into our personal space.  ...and extroverts tend to be much less self reflective.  ...much less into personal improvement.  I think that to really meet someone I have to be willing to push my way into a fellow introverts space.  ....something I'm loathed to do.  Another problem is that we introverts are usually engrossed in our hobbies or projects, and don't have time for other people.  Also, givers tend to attract takers.  ...there are so many forces working against 2 introverts coming together.  It's like forcing the like poles of 2 magnets together.  I have to wonder.  If it happens.  If 2 introverts can force themselves together will they have the incredible potential energy that a pair of magnets have...?  Might not be a perfect analogy, but I think so.

Both of my parents are introverted. My husband and I are introverted. These relationships can happen, and do work!

Oddly, though, people often think many introverts are actually extroverts. Introverts feel rejuvenated by being alone, but when in social settings, they can be loud, cheerfully, welcoming, chatty, exuberant, &/or vocal. They maybe be some or none of the above! I'm loud, excitable, gesture wildly with my hands, hyper-looking, and very talkative when in social settings.....but after the social setting is done, I go home and sit and stare at a wall/screen/book/etc for a few hours (or at least try to...I have two kids).

I think the only way you can really identify an introvert is when they keep turning down social activities. Everyone at work goes out for coffee or a drink or lunch? Not them! I never once did something outside of work with my coworkers. I clocked out and went home! It was very rare for me to hang out with friends from college or church outside of those place. I had a total of one friend from each that I hung out with...and both were extroverts!

But, introverts are hiding around, usually in plain sight in clubs, churches, workplaces, and other organized activities. They may only have one or two out-of-workplace activities, because more than that is too much, but you can still find them there.

I would suggest looking for introverts in activities you're already interested in, like SCA, or gardening groups, or religious organizations. Look for the person who talks about things you're interested in...and that doesn't ever seem to end up going shopping or out to eat with friends. I was instantly attracted to my husband because he actually talked about cool stuff, like oceanography, the meaning of life, dealing with hard times, etc. We met at church. My dad met my mom at college. Introverts can find other introverts....you just have to look at the places where the introverts really want/need to go.

Nicole Alderman wrote:
I would suggest looking for introverts in activities you're already interested in, like SCA, or gardening groups, or religious organizations. Look for the person who talks about things you're interested in...and that doesn't ever seem to end up going shopping or out to eat with friends. I was instantly attracted to my husband because he actually talked about cool stuff, like oceanography, the meaning of life, dealing with hard times, etc. We met at church. My dad met my mom at college. Introverts can find other introverts....you just have to look at the places where the introverts really want/need to go.

I guess that's part of the difficulty.  I don't attend many social activities.  Mostly what I do is work on my homestead or build inventions.  I'll go on adventures in nature by myself, do exercise.  I don't run into a lot of people.    I have a youtube channel with an almost all male audience.  I'm rarely in a social situation with other people, and even more rare women.  Where are these introverts going?  I don't seem to be going there.  

Hmm.  I think that last post I made was kind of a downer.  Sorry 'bout that.  I'm just feeling pretty demoralized about the whole relationships thing.  I'll snap out of it after morning exercises.

Nicole Blank wrote:Random thought,

What brought this thought process on? I started to panic a little this morning, as for a moment, I thought the longest running relationship I've had in my life was ending, (don't worry my coffee maker was fine😏) but it did get me thinking, when your longest running relationship outside of your family, is a coffee maker, that's probably not a good thing.

Haha mine was Verizon wireless and I broke up with them! It felt great, at first.  Then it didn’t because I soon moved to another spot that only worked with Verizon. Sigh. But it’s in the past haha! This doesn’t seem relevant all the time because I remember how crappy being alone was.  Then I wasn’t alone and all I wanted was some alone time. Ironic isn’t it? I miss my alone time. I crave being alone. And I’m an extrovert! I was lonely because I had no sense of self and purpose. Just thought a person would fix it.  Nah. I fucking fixed it by processing my own shut. My bad habits, etc. Now my sweet alone time is rare but I cherish it when I do get it. I love my people too. Just wish they would fuck off now and again. 😜

In reading through these posts I kind of find a theme and that is it seems some of us just have a personality type that the world just does not understand. I don't want to claim anyone is something they are or not, but it was really eye opening for me to understand that I am a sigma male thru and thru. It all suddenly made sense, from my struggles in childhood, to relationship issues, and even my intense sense of time management.

I think differently than the world, and while I am fine with that, sadly others in relationships are not because they just cannot understand me.

I am sure my love language is also different than most, for instance mine is Acts of Service. Being a doer, and wanting to get things done around my own farm, if I am helping a lady wire up her water pump, or figuring out if microhydro will work for her; that is a HUGE sign I like her and want to be around her more. If I am brutally honest, helping another woman in tat situation would kind of be a turn-on for me. Don't make that what it is not, I just mean it would be more than just a warm fuzzy feeling for helping someone. And that is why I am not hung up on looks. If the woman realized that is how I express love, then it would be a huge building block for a relationship.

But I hate flattery and flowery words that are insincere. As an example, I am not going to say, "I will walk barefoot on a bed of coals for four hundred miles to just be with you", because if you want to hear that, go listen to a song on youtube because there is no way I am ever going to do that. Why would I say that when I would never do that, But if I put a towel in the dryer while she is taking a bath so that she can curl into something fluffy and warm after she is done, that is an expression of love for me.  Or dare I say, cook dinner nude for her. For me it is about being vulnerable and humble, yet providing for her in a fun and impractical way.

Sadly most women do not get that, They want flowery words of endearment, and I just can't do that. I try, and it sounds like it is; forced and awkward.  I SHOW love.

      I would rather not be single, but that's how life has gone in my 35yrs. I never could really grasp why women were so put off by me. I mean I'm a nice person, polite, kind, and generous. Im physically fit, and have been told I'm not unattractive, I have my life in order but those traits I have found to be highly unattractive to the opposite sex. An explanation on that would be nice.

     Eventually a man gets to the point where he basically stops trying as they watch their friends and family go off and get married and have children, which I absolutely adore. It brings joy to me seeing others enjoying life with their partners and building families. But being different is hard in many ways, finding a partner being one of them. Who knows maybe someday but considering I haven't had a significant other for 15yrs I'm not betting on that lol.

Nicole Blank wrote:Pete - "Is there good and evil?" I would say yes, just as you have day and night, truth and lies and so on, you cannot have one without the other you must have both.

"How to quantify their value?" You'll need a scale...it's your heart!💜 Where your treasure lies there your heart will be also, what do you value more? Truth or lies, darkness or light, good or evil?

Hey Nicole that was an awesome answer .

I appreciate the truth.
I've had that discussion with so many people and a lot of them do not see it so plainly . Actually most of them would try to convince me otherwise that there is no such thing as evil or good.  Reading your words is validating to me .I agree with you .  That discussion some times leads into another discussion for me what kind of fruit a person has . As a way of identifying the good and the evil inside of people sometimes this can be too much for folks to listen to.  I mostly get blank stairs from people .
In my case often  they will start talking about how some people just go crazy and do bad things .  Their perspective is it has something to do with a person being mentally unstable instead of a type of applied evil.
And I think that's okay it bugs me a little bit but that's just how they see it .  
Curious to know how you would continue that discussion with a person who had a different perspective Nicole.


Community how  can I quote someone and then also reply underneath the quote box I think it looks cooler when you do it right lol .

Nicole Blank wrote:Thank you Ben, your words are kind🙂

If I'm a gem💎 sometimes I feel like I must be locked in a chest, sunk at the bottom of the ocean, where no one will ever find me.

I wouldn't be so sure of that!