Travis Johnson wrote:For those that do not know, I have cancer that is confirmed to be spreading. How far, is yet to be determined but what is debilitating now is shear fatigue. I mean debilitating! This has not always been evident in my life, but I strive for integrity...doing what i say I will, but today I let a friend down. he is in desperate need of help and wanted me to work fo him, and it seemed perfect; part time work, whatever hours I wanted, and take off for Dr appointments as needed. The pay even was not to bad. But this morning I told him no and went home.
Some days I nap 3 times a day. Today I slept half the afternoon. Its been an hour and I am ready for bed. When I do manage to do work, I get out of breath and tired after 10 minutes of "work". That is considered a good day, most days I do not even get started as any job seems overwhelming even if it is a small task. And finally, I find myself just staring off into space, not even in thought, just staring blankly...
What is wrong with me? My team of Doctors are NOT helping me get to the root problem.
Travis Johnson wrote:For those that do not know, I have cancer that is confirmed to be spreading. How far, is yet to be determined but what is debilitating now is shear fatigue. I mean debilitating!
Katherine Langelier wrote:Getting appointments around here is a challenge, for sure. That's great that things are moving!
You have had so much to deal with in such a short time! You may very well also have the health-issue of depression, but I can't help but imagine all of these difficulties are creating a very compounded, complicated grief. Even if everything else were going well for you healthwise, grief can really drag a person under.
What you wrote is beautiful and raw. Have you ever intentionally kept a journal? Even if you don't ever intend to publish anything as a memoir (which as I'd said before, I think you have great material for it that people here in Maine, if nowhere else, would find interesting!), a journal can have real therapeutic benefit.
Travis Johnson wrote:Depression. My wife thinks I just have this. Wifes tend to know their husbands better than we know ourselves, so who am I to argue. It could be true. For that that do not know I have cancer, but also had to stop working, sold my equipment, had my woodlot logged off and the logger stole all the wood. That is now in the court system for restitution. To pay our property taxes we sold off our flock of sheep, at the same time we found out we lost an unborn baby, and finally that my cancer is spreading. Quite the lumps the last few months. Most of it I handled pretty well, until I found out the cancer was spreading.
Now...it is weird...I no longer "feel". I don't laugh, I don't cry...nothing!!
Monni Kyu wrote:Travis, ....sending a lot of caring thoughts for you
... 'The Power of Your Subconscious Mind'
Enlist yourself (first of all), and your friends and family