What Would You Do ? Relating to: trauma, hoarding, exhaustion/overwhelm

Okay, background a little: I have PTSD and have had it since I was 3, I'm over 65 and learned with a lot of help and luck and hard work to manage it. Secondary diagnosis: I'm a hoarder. I've been working on the hoarding, mostly books, since I closed the store 20 years ago -- I'm still getting rid of books.

What's going on? I'm running out of steam/give a damn. I need to be finishing up the book cull. I sell books, I give them to a bookstore, I sell some through 2 other bookstores, I take them to the dump weekly, we use the ones falling apart in the woodstove.

I'm burnt out. I keep wanting a "fairy god mother" to show up and wave a wand and it's done -- which of course won't happen.

I have done charting, made it into a game, used superbetter and another online goal site, asked my neighbors and family for help, cleared  x by y feet or inches in a day, and, and....

So, my question is: after 20+ years and all the mental gymnastics I've been able to think of and help having been used -- what do you do then?

What's happening is that the periods between when I'm working on the problem and when I'm not are getting longer. Overwhelmed and exhausted. Lately, that time has been spent in the garden, which nicely hits "reset" every spring, the work is "seeable" almost immediately and it stays that way because living doesn't get in the way.

Hi Jennie;
I am also over 65, and I can relate to "running out of steam."
It's not that I couldn't keep going, but I do not care to. I call it my give-a-shit meter.
At our age, our bodies are not capable of the work we did just ten years ago.
We hurt, we get tired, and I say that is enough of this for today. I'll work on it tomorrow, if I feel like it.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? How many tomorrows are left?
Personally, I am currently aiming for 25+ years' worth of "I'll finish this tomorrow"...
But having suddenly lost family members and good friends, I know that we never know how long this trip will last.

Do what needs doing, let all the other things happen as and when they will.
If gardening makes your day happier, that should be what you do!
Those books will be dealt with as soon as your "give-a-shit meter" decides that I'm doing this today!
If tomorrow does not arrive for you, someone else will have to step up and finish what you started.
The important part is that you are working on it; perhaps time will allow you to rehome those books, perhaps not.
Enjoy your next 25+ years of" I'll finish this tomorrow."
Grow a garden
Go for walks
See a show
Watch the sunrises and sunsets
Spending time with those you love is all that is truly important.

Jennie Little wrote:
So, my question is: after 20+ years and all the mental gymnastics I've been able to think of and help having been used -- what do you do then?

Have you come to terms with where the book hoarding comes from?  My wife does the same and with books, she agrees it's time to reverse the acquisition.  The 'never throwing anything out' has a good side when just the very thing you need on some project is actually there on hand....even if that is a rare event.  The hoarding itself she feels comes from early years, just after her father died.  Her mother, wanting to re-invent herself, threw out most of her daughter's belongings/memorabilia from her early days from when her dad was still alive....without asking if she wanted to keep anything.  I could go on about how family-of-origin sets us up for potentially rocky days in our autumn years, but that's too much to unpack here.

Culture:  Our culture has great images and prescriptions for how retirement and senior years are *supposed* to be spent, some of which revolves around the concept of all of that hard work over the decades now 'paying off'.   Some of it does in terms of providing for physical comforts that we may not otherwise have, but the psycho-emotional side of preparing for the latter days is not addressed well by our culture.  As Thomas R. noted, when getting worked up about it, just remember things will take care of themselves in due time.  During times of stress, back away thoughtfully.....take a walk, dive into the garden, etc.....but give some thought during these periods of where you think the stress is really coming from and how much of it is under your control.  From a personal note as a recent retiree, I've come to realize that work was my escape....from home.  Did not like my childhood home and this became transferred to my adult life and view of home.  Now retired, it's been a struggle to actually stay home for days at a time, even as my wife is the opposite.  I've had to confront, with some acceptance as to the cause, of this conditioning in me to want to 'escape' being at home.  So just a perspective on 'growing into'  the new chapter in life.  Best wishes with your challenges and victories!.....

John Weiland wrote:
Have you come to terms with where the book hoarding comes from?

Actually, I know exactly. The therapist who correctly diagnosed me was used to working with Vets with PTSD. She said,"The first thing that eases the pain that comes with PTSD becomes the addiction." In my case, that was the other worlds I could live in by reading. I got the PTSD because the mother surrogate I had was an abusive alcoholic.

Having done the PTSD work, I'm no longer living through its pain 24/7. And, I hardly read at all now where it was compulsive before.

But I was a book hoarder from the time I was 3 until sometime in my mid 60s and I had a bookstore for 9 years. I had a LOT of books, 3 storage units full of boxes when I closed the store in 2005, the last one stuffed so full I had to climb the boxes to work on them for 6 months. I was a very successful book hoarder.

That said? I'm not there now. I want to do something "different" when I grow up!

The last major chunk out? 8 boxes last weekend, approx 25 books in each box, so 200 books.

Do some of your books have value as being rare, etc?

There are companies that help folks with problems by selling the valuable books and splitting the profit some time 60 for you and 40 for themselves.  Not other charge if the venture is profitable enough.

Anne Miller wrote:Do some of your books have value as being rare, etc?

There are companies that help folks with problems by selling the valuable books and splitting the profit some time 60 for you and 40 for themselves.  Not other charge if the venture is profitable enough.

Along these lines, I amaze myself at the things I've been able to sell, mostly on FB Marketplace or Craigslist, that I'm ready to toss into the trash.  Only minutes can pass before posting the advert and I get messaged with an enthusiastic buyer!  A little pocket change later and someone was made happy and the sold item gets a new life.  One of the items that my wife's mother threw away of hers when she had gone off to college was an original L. Frank Baum set of 'Wizard of Oz'.  After some sleuthing, she was able to find another set many decades ago and holds on to what remains for memorabilia.

J. Little said " I want to do something "different" when I grow up!" -- Totally understood,....there's probably quite a large contingent amongst the retire and aged that share that desire.  In many ways, these parts of us are starting out new, but some acceptance, physically and emotionally, must be exercised to respect the decades of wear and wisdom now part of our being.

Jennie Little wrote: The last major chunk out? 8 boxes last weekend, approx 25 books in each box, so 200 books.

So are you down to just 1 storage unit? Or just books in boxes in your house? Please help me see how far along you've come with the problem.

I am absolutely feeling what Thomas said - my body just can't do what it used to be able to do, nor can my mind. It is important that I focus on what I *can* do, and focus on breaking large tasks down into bits. To my mind, 3 storage lockers full of boxes of books would send me into despair overwhelm, so if you have times when you go there, you don't need to label it anything but "a normal reaction for older humans" in my opinion!

If you feel that you need support, acknowledgement that this is a real and genuine struggle, and a community that stresses acceptance of people with all their uniqueness, you've come to the right spot - we permies are real people and we accept the real-ness of others, just as we accept *all* the plants have their place even when other people label them as "weeds".

If you're asking for some new ideas to try to get you over the last hurdles (built out of boxes of books instead of woven hazel), I've got a few kicking around my head, but it's too easy for ideas to come across as not respecting just how genuinely hard the process is, how much healing you've done without feeling like you're there yet, and how much just being told, "we believe in you - you will make it through" is the most critical information.

I feel you on the book thing. I had a pretty massive library by the time I was 20. Next thing that happened I was in the process of moving and had stacked all of my books on the floor of my apartment awaiting more boxes. Then we had the mother of all rainstorms and floods that are still talked about by the oldtimers in southern AZ. I went to the apartment the next day and found water inside, ankle deep. It had wicked up the stacks of books and soaked them all the way through. 90 percent of them were ruined...a total loss. The worst part was that there were also borrowed books in there. But I still have some of the survivors ;-)

I now try to pass on books that I don't think I'll read or refer to again to someone that I think might enjoy them. I don't buy as many as I used to and have started to make use of our library's acquisition request form. I'd like to turn a lot of my topical permie and resilience-themed books into a community library one of these days so they get more readers.

I had, my estimation, 100,000 books. No that is NOT a typo. I was a used/antiquarian book dealer. I know how to sell valuable books. I know how to sell collectible books, etc. That is a LOT of what slows the process down, namely researching things. It doesn't take a long time, but actually looking up every book, even if it's < 2 minutes, is a lot.

I'm not keeping books my appraisal comes back as worth $10 or less. One bookstore that's selling my stuff does comics, illustrated books, and pulps, mostly on Ebay. The other is a high-end antiquarian book dealer. The fellow I"m giving books to is a used/antiquarian dealer as well.

I've been scouting books (finding them), buying and selling them professionally and not since around 1978, when I started working in my first book store.

My last store was at the end of an alley. And the low point of the street, ajacent parking lot and the alley. No drainage. I ended up standing in ankle deep water one day and I didn't dare open the door, there was more outside!

What I wanted from this thread? Hm acknowledgement of how hard it was I suppose. Getting rid of the addictive thing is hard, even if you're not using any more... A place I could be a bit whiney I guess too? I have been giving and selling books, fabric, beads, craft supplies, food stuffs, garden equipment, clothing, and kitchen stuff away for years and still have too much. A long time ago I realized I had 2 major hurdles: too much stuff and bad habits.

The habits aren't just "fix it" things, because being consistent and repetitve with it pushes on the PTSD, and I have panic attacks.

People who've known me a long time say there's noticeably fewer books here. I'm sure there is. I used to have a "goat trail" thru the stacked 8 high tomato boxes, full of books instead of the living room. That's not true now.

We have 1 storage unit, but the books aren't stored there, unless they're going to the bookstore the next time we go. There's probably say 20 or less books there, if there's any at all. The storage is because we were having the house painted/new windows last summer and we expected to get our downstairs wood floor sanded/varnished, etc. House painting/upstairs windows were finally finished in November, but we'd moved furniture, flea market merch (long gone), etc. to make room so people could get at the walls upstairs.

Other people see the difference. I know there is one. But all I really see is how much is still here... and the fact that the books i want to keep are still far too many to fit into the bookshelves, although I keep culling.

Jennie Little wrote:... What I wanted from this thread? Hm acknowledgement of how hard it was I suppose. Getting rid of the addictive thing is hard, even if you're not using any more... A place I could be a bit whiney I guess too? I have been giving and selling books, fabric, beads, craft supplies, food stuffs, garden equipment, clothing, and kitchen stuff away for years and still have too much. A long time ago I realized I had 2 major hurdles: too much stuff and bad habits.

The habits aren't just "fix it" things, because being consistent and repetitive with it pushes on the PTSD, and I have panic attacks.

Bad Habit story: My mom's friend was told by her doctor that if she wanted her cough to go away, she had to give up smoking. She did. Almost 10 years later, she went back to work as a teaching assistant. She'd given up teaching when she started her family, as was expected in those days. After a more hectic than usual morning, she said to the teacher she was with, "Glad it break time. Off for a coffee and a smoke." The teacher looked at her and said, "I didn't know you smoked?"

So, yes, bad habits are *very* difficult to break and keep broken! You're trying, you need some external motivational support, and yes, you may need a safe space to whine a little, but reading this post, I'm prepared to agree with the people who are able to see how far you've come, even though you are still seeing the long road ahead as overwhelming and discouraging.

That your progress and goals are pushing you towards the risk of panic attacks, adds a different layer of fear to the discouragement. You are wise to tread carefully and choose the paths you take towards your future with patience. I still feel from reading your words that you know what you need to do, and have a good idea how you can get there. But you need a shoulder to whine on, and I accept your whine and your caution. And I *still* believe you will make it - just keep going but keep your hazard lights blinking so we know to offer a helping hand when you need it.

I love Louis Lamour so in 2013 we did not have internet while we were finishing the build of our house, I decide to get the collection.

I bought boxes of his books on ebay for about $50.00 a box, shipping included.

I ended up with the almost full collection for about $200.00.

Maybe something like this would work for your books.

Jennie Little wrote:I had, my estimation, 100,000 books. No that is NOT a typo. I was a used/antiquarian book dealer. I know how to sell valuable books. I know how to sell collectible books, etc. That is a LOT of what slows the process down, namely researching things. It doesn't take a long time, but actually looking up every book, even if it's < 2 minutes, is a lot.

I'm not keeping books my appraisal comes back as worth $10 or less. One bookstore that's selling my stuff does comics, illustrated books, and pulps, mostly on Ebay. The other is a high-end antiquarian book dealer. The fellow I"m giving books to is a used/antiquarian dealer as well.

I've been scouting books (finding them), buying and selling them professionally and not since around 1978, when I started working in my first book store.

My last store was at the end of an alley. And the low point of the street, ajacent parking lot and the alley. No drainage. I ended up standing in ankle deep water one day and I didn't dare open the door, there was more outside!

What I wanted from this thread? Hm acknowledgement of how hard it was I suppose. Getting rid of the addictive thing is hard, even if you're not using any more... A place I could be a bit whiney I guess too? I have been giving and selling books, fabric, beads, craft supplies, food stuffs, garden equipment, clothing, and kitchen stuff away for years and still have too much. A long time ago I realized I had 2 major hurdles: too much stuff and bad habits.

The habits aren't just "fix it" things, because being consistent and repetitve with it pushes on the PTSD, and I have panic attacks.

People who've known me a long time say there's noticeably fewer books here. I'm sure there is. I used to have a "goat trail" thru the stacked 8 high tomato boxes, full of books instead of the living room. That's not true now.

We have 1 storage unit, but the books aren't stored there, unless they're going to the bookstore the next time we go. There's probably say 20 or less books there, if there's any at all. The storage is because we were having the house painted/new windows last summer and we expected to get our downstairs wood floor sanded/varnished, etc. House painting/upstairs windows were finally finished in November, but we'd moved furniture, flea market merch (long gone), etc. to make room so people could get at the walls upstairs.

Other people see the difference. I know there is one. But all I really see is how much is still here... and the fact that the books i want to keep are still far too many to fit into the bookshelves, although I keep culling.

Have you tried finding someone who is interested in doing this work? Maybe someone younger who could benefit of this knowledge for making a life. That way you will only need to teach him/her, which surely is less demanding than the current work. Share the benefits with your pupil so he/she has an additional interest.

I know it's hard to ask for help, I don't want to ask for help because it makes me look weak. But getting help in exchange for something else? That's a deal!

"Have you tried finding someone who is interested in doing this work? Maybe someone younger who could benefit of this knowledge for making a life. That way you will only need to teach him/her, which surely is less demanding than the current work. Share the benefits with your pupil so he/she has an additional interest.

I know it's hard to ask for help, I don't want to ask for help because it makes me look weak. But getting help in exchange for something else? That's a deal!"


I want to add that I think this is both the best and riskiest answer.  It's not just hard to ask for help, it often backfires as the people who offer help sometimes have ulterior motives and are looking for a weak person to take advantage of; or are good people but have bigger problems of their own that they will dump on you and just make the process more challenging.  Yet it's often finding community and someone who appreciates what we have that helps us to get rid of our excess stuff and back in the day, there would have been less stuff around and more people wishing to have it so it would have been much easier.  I've found it easier to give stuff away to someone excited to have it than to sell it on consignment even though I'm usually in need of money.  

I've been following this thread in case there is advice that helps me.


I think your problem is more than PTSD, it's a society that is now drowning in stuff when things like books and decent clothing were once scarce.  I hold on to clothes even though I wear the same stuff till they're rags (because I like to, not need to)- which makes friends and family give me clothes, that aren't really my style but I often box it and save it for when it's needed.  When I was younger and fast fashion wasn't so cheaply available, I was often switching jobs from outdoor work to office work to retail... and having to run out and buy appropriate clothing and always being the worst dressed and caring about it- now, I don't care.  Plus, my size was always changing from 6 to 16.  There were times I didn't attend events I wanted to because I didn't have appropriate clothing or had to borrow from a friend or family in a last minute rush of anxiety before weddings and funerals.  Now, my size is stable but I fear giving up the fat clothes will make me get fat again.  I don't have much desire to go out at night or ever work in an office again- but what if something changes?  I meet more and more people who struggle with hoarding, and PTSD might be the trigger, but I feel the problem is more to do with our society and the excess we are drowning in more so than our own personal issues.  Before the internet and kindle, more people would have been eagerly asking for your books.

One bit of advice I can't stand is that of thanking your stuff for it's service and then magically being able to get rid of it.  This has not worked for me, it makes me see the stuff as more valuable and harder to part with.  I do try to imagine there are people in need of it, and me hoarding it is keeping them from having easy access to what they need when it's just sitting out of the game in my life.  But I shop at thrift stores and know there is no shortage of used clothing.  It's easiest to let go things when there is someone in front of me who wants the stuff rather than selling on consignment or dropping it off at a thrift store.  People are more in need of money to pay rent, medical bills or buy food than they are of stuff these days.  We just reached a point where this is too much stuff and we evolved for a different set of problems whether we have PTSD or not.  

I added quotation marks because I struggle with the quoting thing here.

Thank you all for the considered responses! There are ideas there I hadn't considered and will.

Hoarding is "usually" a secondary diagnosis, there's another issue, mine was the abuse. For decades, I thought it was just that it was a symptom of how flawed I was...

After the correct diagnosis/work that changed.

Same therapist pointed out that my disorganization gave me control of the narrative. I thought she was exaggerating, until one day someone asked why I hadn't had kids? "I'm too messy." was my immediate response. Then it happened again, when someone wanted to know why I wasn't an advocate for people like me -- and I realized she was right.

The messiness was a shield, an easy to spot/display flaw that I used to hide and for control. Considering that my abuser attacked everything: God, my body, my family, my friends, my habits, the foods I liked, you name it -- it was pretty smart of the little girl to find a way to at least partly control the situation. Great.

But that was when I was a kid. I'm a senior citizen and I'm tired of my life being controlled by actions of someone before I was 15. I spent 50 years getting to a place where PTSD's pain didn't determine my day to day. I don't have another 50 years, but I'd really like to stop living with the excess/symptom too.

Hi, I do natural healing and hypnotherapy, and took a speciality in PTSD.
PTSD in itself is exhausting, though it can be erased.  It doesn't erase the memory, but it takes away its charge.  Mess is also exhausting.  The more you tidy your environment, the more energy you'll have.  And lastly, low energy often has a physical component - stored toxins and malnutrition.  If you get physically well your energy will improve.
HTH

Antony Brush wrote:Hi, I do natural healing and hypnotherapy, and took a speciality in PTSD.
PTSD in itself is exhausting, though it can be erased.  It doesn't erase the memory, but it takes away its charge.  Mess is also exhausting.  The more you tidy your environment, the more energy you'll have.  And lastly, low energy often has a physical component - stored toxins and malnutrition.  If you get physically well your energy will improve.
HTH

I want to be supportive of the getting physically well being an aid to fixing other problems idea, but it hasn't worked for me.  I was a wildlife biologist and spent my days working outdoors, even when I was heavy I was healthy and could often lift more and hike longer than others who were thin but worked indoors, and I still hoarded and lived in a mess.  I'd get in shape when I had a field job and then get fat again when I was writing a paper or stuck with office or retail work because I couldn't get a job in my field but regardless of job satisfaction or weight I was healthy and none of it would affect the mess.  I completed a yoga teacher training course and had a dedicated Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga practice for about ten years, eating fairly healthy and was still a disorganized mess.  When I contemplate my mess it is exhausting but I forget it as soon as I walk out the door and can tune it out with a book, movie or breathing exercise or just playing with the dogs.  I walk barefoot almost everywhere, and I still struggle with being a disorganized mess.  Part of why I'm struggling with maintaining my yoga (including meditation and pranayama) is because it hasn't fixed anything but my physical health and weight issues- which is a huge thing but I was hoping for more and it was a let down.  
The only thing that's helped me with hoarding is moving all the time and sharing space with housemates to pay the bills.  I get rid of stuff when I move because I've generally been broke and moved in my car.  I also get rid of stuff out of financial pressure and the need for housemates, plus I box things up and hide it, stack it in my bedroom to make the space comfortable for housemates.  These two factors have set limits on what I could accumulate.    

I didn't suffer the level of trauma the original poster mentions and my mess is not as severe, although I didn't have the happiest childhood either.  I've also met people who seemed to have it all together on the outside, and then seen their homes were a mess and filled with crap too!  This helped me get past the embarrassment and shame factors, and I don't let the mess stop me from having guests, I just warn them- yup, I'm a mess and struggle with hoarding.  I've finally purchased my first home and do fear that the mess will get more overwhelming now that I'm settled. So, I'm saying no to the clothes and stuff that others offer me even when it seems so useful and it's hard! I don't step into thrift stores or go to yard sales, and let new acquisitions be restricted to native plants, food producing plants and non-invasive flowers.  
My sister is supposed to visit and just start throwing stuff away, she is the opposite of me and loves throwing stuff away, and I will go outside and let her do this.  But health issues keep stopping her from getting here and the other family who would have once helped me are all dead.  

Something that has worked well for me in these situations (burnout/exhaustion) is stepping back to evaluate things and being fair to myself. Reframing how you view yourself could help your motivation. If you look at yourself as a hoarder it may seem more daunting to overcome. But you owned a bookstore yes? So you are a business owner who has acquired a lot of stock. It sounds like you have made huge progress and that is amazing! Have you made a list of all that you have accomplished so far? My trauma therapist had me do that and when I'm feeling overwhelmed I read that list of all my accomplishments and realize how far I've come and the future I want doesn't seem so far away. It's not a magic fix, but remember it took decades to build up the collection so it's normal it will take a long time to get rid of it. Sometimes a mental reframe can really boost self confidence and self-perception. This is just a suggestion of what worked for me to go to the "source" of overwhelm, which is probably the mental weight of it all.

Jolene Csakany wrote:
"Have you tried finding someone who is interested in doing this work?"

I want to add that I think this is both the best and riskiest answer.  It's not just hard to ask for help, it often backfires...
Yet it's often finding community and someone who appreciates what we have that helps us to get rid of our excess stuff....
I've found it easier to give stuff away to someone excited to have it than to sell it on consignment even though I'm usually in need of money.  

This pretty much sums up the response I've been chewing over for a few days.
I don't pretend to understand what you've been through. But I've been in a position to help when my mother had to move and had a house full of stuff she needed (but couldn't bear) to part with. When she was going to take the proceeds from selling her house to buy a storage space for all the stuff that couldn't go to her new house, we sat down and pulled together help.

It seems to me that when you ask for help, you lose control, and PTSD is ultimately (in my experience, at least) about getting some control after having none.
But it's a trade-off: time and energy you may not have, in exchange for getting rid of the stuff. It's a scary choice, but potentially a life-changer.

for my mother, she really wanted to sell everything, and that ultimately made it impossible for her to get rid of her stuff. Just one item took forever for her to research and try to find a home for, then nobody wanted it, and the house full was like Everest. So when she knew she had to move, and it was clear she couldn't do it, we pulled together a few people who helped do the footwork to call in an auction house for the furniture and valuables (such as they were, lol), put some ads on Craigslist, had a garage sale, and then the hard part came with what was left- my mother was looking at all the stuff that nobody wanted and agonizing over how she was sure someone wanted the old Childcraft book series, the Longaberger baskets and the old curtains. I found a few really good causes that took donations (veterans service, a church consignment shop, local vet) and made sure that everything that could be reused got to these places. I documented it going, too. While I was doing this, I arranged with some of her friends to keep her busy and out of the house, because it was too hard to see the rest getting rehomed or disposed of.
The community aspect of the whole process was essential. She took the leap to let it happen, though, and I know it was hard for her.
Did she make money? No. (were her expectations about the value of her things realistic? also no.)
Did she free herself from her things? Yes. She moved in with her new beau and actually helped him clean out all the stuff from HIS house when they moved again a few years later. I heard a lot from people about how she was just going to accumulate more in her new house, and that wasn't the case- she just needed help getting over the hurdle that was blocking her.

Maybe getting some help in the process might be a possibility for you. Setting a date to pick out the things of most value (maybe set yourself a space limit, everything you save has to fit in this closet or this cabinet) and making peace with yourself about getting rid of the rest. Could some unconventional source like a scout group or community project help with the literal lifting? could you hold a "come and get books" open house?
It sounds like your home offers a lot of promise if you can just get some of your space back. And I think you're being super courageous in the process of getting rid of the books, even knowing what they mean for you.

Is there ever a practical solution for an emotional situation?  I've watched some episodes of Hoarders on TV where a practical person shows up and starts moving their stuff out, and the people panic, they almost get worse watching the process of the stuff going away.  It seemed insensitive to me, leaving out the emotional component of why it happened in the first place.  It's not about getting rid of the stuff, it's about Letting Go of the emotional situation.

I agree with the hypnotherapy.  In the '80s there were popular tapes to listen to on various subjects, like Being Afraid of Success (which I never even knew existed, but turned out I had it!), by Lazaris, Concept Synergy.  I had a big, serious, stressful State test to take, surrounded by dozens of anxious people spewing their anxiety over everyone else.  Listening to that tape over and over and over really helped.  It was about Letting Go, not just of stuff but of emotional baggage, Be Here Now.  It involved picturing the people who you feel are holding you back, and letting them go, picturing that, practicing that.

Looks like these same sorts of self-help motivational ideas are downloadable now.  I can't recommend any in particular, but I know how much help it was at the time.

Sunny Kahlo wrote:Something that has worked well for me in these situations (burnout/exhaustion) is stepping back to evaluate things and being fair to myself. Reframing how you view yourself could help your motivation. If you look at yourself as a hoarder it may seem more daunting to overcome. But you owned a bookstore yes? So you are a business owner who has acquired a lot of stock. It sounds like you have made huge progress and that is amazing! Have you made a list of all that you have accomplished so far?  

No, I haven't. It seems to me that it could be useful:

- After correct diagnosis + 12 years of work, managed to get PTSD pain to stop being a driving factor. (Time elapsed? 60+ years)
- Recognition/admission of being a hoarder. (20 years?)
- Understanding that what occurred to me in a clean space was a panic attack. (20? years)
- Attempts to thwart panicking in a clean space: superbetter, me/you health site, gaming, counting, various system -- all failed eventually. (15 years)
- Admitting that I can't fight the panic attacks, only "habitualize" cleaning or I immediately create a mess. (5? years)
- Understanding that much of the "mess" is created by my not letting myself finish longer tasks. Leaves get raked into piles and left, etc. (1 year)

And, yes, I closed the store with 3 full storage units and most of the available space in the house filled with books or book boxes. Now?  No books in the storage unit to speak of and significantly fewer books in boxes/loose than before.

At a guess? I probably have 30,000 books or fewer now, including my own collection. The 100,000 was just store stock, not MY books. I HAVE been getting rid of books, fabric, tools, kitchen gear, food, beads, furniture, for the past 20 years and continue to do so. I still need 2 things: fewer items and better habits.

But I'm getting there apparently. And I need to give myself credit. One thing I noticed when I was doing the PTSD work, I tended to act as if anything I did was by definition not important/significant. Obviously, this is another piece of that.

You know? There are days I wish I'd get amnesia so I could just rewrite my past! But that would mean ignoring this wonderful man I've been with for nearly 50 years and also not admitting that what I have done was hard. It's still hard -- I'm just burnt out, and don't have pain goading me on, like I did with the PTSD work. For decades, people said I was "strong," but I'm not. I'm just stubborn and refused to let the abuser win. I thought all the other issues would magically melt away when the pain went. I think I needed to believe that or I couldn't have done what I did.

Okay. Three things: Give myself credit. Ask for help where I can. Figure out what's next, instead of always looking back!

Jennie Little wrote:

Sunny Kahlo wrote:Something that has worked well for me in these situations (burnout/exhaustion) is stepping back to evaluate things and being fair to myself.  Have you made a list of all that you have accomplished so far?  

No, I haven't. It seems to me that it could be useful:

Okay. Three things: Give myself credit. Ask for help where I can. Figure out what's next, instead of always looking back!

You were a business owner with a lot of necessary stock- and when you're accumulating stock for a store it seems natural that you would increase your own supply when you deal in something you love like books. Add to that the fact that books are not sold or needed the way they used to be- it's a real challenge for anyone that you seem to be making progress with.

While having so much stuff cluttering your space is not ideal, you seem to have not let ptsd stop you from having a successful business and relationship which is more than many of us can say!  If hoarding helped you cope to do those things, than it wasn't the worst habit to pick up when many fall prey to drugs and alcohol or other bad choices. You actually sound like one of the most successful people ever, despite your challenges.    

Maybe you should write a book about your life?  It sounds like you could be an inspiration to others and maybe it would inspire you to finish getting your home in order.  
Just make sure your story is available electronically for those of us struggling with too many books!

Based on what is known from developmental psychology, "Considering that my abuser attacked everything: God, my body, my family, my friends, my habits, the foods I liked, you name it....." would naturally lead to "For decades, I thought (the hoarding) was just that it was a symptom of how flawed I was...".  We learn very early in life whether we are valued or an obstacle/dumping ground for our caregivers and it gets buried so deep into our subconscious that we later decide "This is just who I am...", ..... when it really isn't who we are. [Note equally that when we are cherished or valued in a healthy way, this too becomes automatic in how we view ourselves later on.] Then, it follows that "....when I was doing the PTSD work, I tended to act as if anything I did was by definition not important/significant. Obviously, this is another piece of that."  It's a balancing act between cultivating healthy self-esteem and guarding against malignant narcissism, but children need to feel like they are cared for and matter as part of their social unit....family, tribe, community, etc.  Finally, I agree with the others that you are stronger and more capable than you think, but like Alice Miller noted in "The Drama of the Gifted Child", your strengths.....your 'gifts'....were won as a consequence of having to be very self-protective.  Some of that self-protection can be an impediment to moving forward....yes, even in this late years.  But your ability to recognize, voice, and have the awareness to address it in some way is SOOOOO much better than what I see in many others in my life.  Continued strength and enlightment in this journey!....

What would it be like if, when its going to be a long stretch of sunny weather, you set up like a farmstand for free books?  I mean set up the books either on a sturdy shelf or in boxes on the edge of your yard where people driving or walking by will see them, and people can just take them, the ones you aren't selling officially, like the under $10 ones.  You could do it periodically during the dry times outside and eventually it could help make those books disappear to other people's houses who will read them.

...or put them out with a box for donations, in case people feel like giving you some money for them.

...or build and stock a Little Library.

...or see if there are retired librarians, or a Friends of the Library, or other bibliophile group that might volunteer or take some, or buy some.

...or post some here, to see if anyone here will buy some.

...or list some for free on Craigslist, just so they'll go to someone who will appreciate them, instead of getting thrown away.

...or donate some to school libraries.

...or just acknowledge that you are burnt out, and rightly so, and say, "It's okay to take the time to do what I need to do."

...or ask if you really want to be spending the last few years of your life dealing with it, or if you'd rather be free of it all (acknowledging the money lost, the value not appreciated, etc.)

...or visualize what you WANT your place to look like, and your life to look like, in detail, and keep that as motivation to soldier on.

...or say "Thank you for your life," as you put them in a donation box or the trash.  (That does help me to hold on to fewer things!)

...or ask if it's really, truly necessary to do this?  Do you need the money to live?  If not, what would happen if they were all gone?  What would you otherwise do with that time?

...or try tapping, EFT, to see if it will help calm the panic attacks.

Video:  

I had to laugh about the "goat trails"...my house is now full of them.  And how I had a friend come help me throw out half my books, and another drag a bookshelf in, and then I got organized...and now I have twice as many piled on the floor.

And I sometimes joke that I'll be like the brothers who were found dead in their apartment after stacks of newspapers and other hoarded stuff fell on them, smothering them.

And I'm happy I'm not the only one.  And I get disgusted when I see how much money I've spent...even really cheaply, like $1 or less per book.

And I ask WHY do I keep buying more, when even if I read one book a day for the rest of my life and lived to be 100, I'd still have too many.

And I try to blame the fact that they have "buy 3, get 1 free"...and that really works!

And I know part of it is that I want something different for my life...but I'm not sure I can make it happen...or that I'll try that and end up not liking that either...and there are so many books, so many good books!  It's not gambling, it's not cheating, it's not stealing.  What is wrong with reading books?!

And I still get angry at my siblings for stealing the gum and candy that I stashed away, after they had eaten theirs, and hunted mine down.  Or when they swooped in after Grandma and Mommy died, and stole the gold teeth and all the jewelry, without asking.  Or when they threw away whatever they felt like, as Pop was dying, and I took care of him, and I had to re-buy CDs of the music he loved, because that was all he could do was listen to music.  He couldn't eat, couldn't read, didn't know day from night, but he died listening to his favorite CDs, which I had to re-buy!

Nobody better touch my books!  Don't tell me to get rid of them.  Don't tell me I have too many.  Don't ask me what am I going to do with all of them.  Don't tell me they are a tripping hazard.

I have a right to have my books, dammit!  You don't like it?  Shut up and walk away!  (gee...no anger and bitterness and defensiveness THERE!  hahahahahaha)

So I hear you, I get it, I have books, have walls of books around me.  Safe books, interesting books, valuable books.  To help me, to help me to understand me, to teach me, to entertain me.

I understand, I understand.  I know I too must cull soon.

I am learning to be a witness to myself.  The non-judgmental, non-critical witness that my family never was.  The respectful, patient sidekick that stands by me as I uncover all sorts of ugly and messy memories and feelings, and passes me a stack of homemade tissues to cry into (made of cut up old t-shirts, of course!!)  

And sometimes I do EFT, tapping, even though I used to think it was airy-fairy bullshit.  But then the cerveza sickness happened, and things have been happening that I never thought possible.  And things keep happening that are unthinkable, and unbelievable, and unimaginable...but all true.

And the EFT helps me to stay as calm as I possibly can in the middle of a world falling apart around me.  And I read some more, and I know I will likely survive.  And the witness beside me smiles in support.

So please know there are others here who understand, and who struggle with similar issues.

I did something that on the face of it was counter-productive. I did my normal "fix it," first step: I went looking for books on the subject. I also did my second step: I talked to my partner about it. He usually has a tweak which helps, or compassion, or I just get embarrassed about being so whiney to this person who's so  self-contained and I change things cuz I'm embarrassed.

Whatever, it works. Ordering the books helped because I felt like I was trying to break the log jam. Talking to my partner helped just because it does.

So, things are getting done again: rooms are getting cleaner, jobs are getting done. It took X years to get here, it will take me some more time to get to where I want to go yet, but there's progress.

And, yes, I WILL cull more books that I bought, maybe even some that I bought, we'll see?

But, being me these days, the books were about self-sufficiency, frugality, etc. I've been really digging into one called: Keep, Toss, Sell... and I feel way better about where I am accordingly.

She breaks the culling down by category. And, almost always, I've already done it or eliminated it: makeup (0), cloth napkins (?, but we use them and they stay organized so I don't care what someone else thinks I need), dishes, holiday decorations (1 box), clothing (still a minor problem, but not anything like you can't close a closet door, her example), etc.

Been there. Done that. Most successfully in the kitchen, but also otherwise. There's still clutter, there's still too much stuff,  but about 80% of the book is about overages I just don't have any more.

I think you're doing an amazing job!
You are no longer acquiring
Maybe you aren't reducing as quickly as you were but

Perhaps you've reduced the easier books -- the ones to be donated, sold, and burned. Obviously you know what you're doing

People who know you see the difference.

You prefer to be gardening and it's better for your spirit

I would suggest you take a complete and utter break from the process and enjoy your summer. If you feel up to relocating books come the frost, start with which books annoyed you most because of their location. Ziplock bag them and decide which you can relocate out of the house. I found galvanized cans lined with newspaper, contractor garbage bags, then ziplock bagged items generally keep dry, so you could put cans under cover outdoors perhaps -- some sort of map so you know what is where. Don't worry so much about removing them off site as much as out from under foot, then perhaps deal with a few cans at a time when you can rent some help by the hour or have a handy relative visit.

I understand the hoarding books thing: it's my number one hoard. I intend to live long enough to read and re-read what I've recently acquired, and frankly, it's my escape as well and I have had a similar chronic PTSD situation to heal from myself and have improved greatly, and also my garden has improved greatly, and I have decided that having a cluttered house really isn't a terrible thing. Frankly many therapists and doctors have commented that it's amazing how resilient I am. My childhood was hell.

So what to do: take a complete break for a few months, then go back to it once the weather is miserable, and put on an audiobook!!! ... and return to the hoard for one month only once the frost hits, doing.a big chunk of effort, get some help before Christmas to move things around once you've done that, then take another break until you feel ready to repeat a burst of effort.

Maybe

Just a thought based on what works for me. (The old bod limits me frequently if I overdo things so sometimes I simply have to take a few days to recover but I won't feel guilty about having to do that.)

I hope things are going well for you and you are enjoying your outdoor time.

Discovered something I did NOT know... hoarding has levels. And, when I discovered that, of course I had to go look and see where I am?

Level 1, just too much stuff.

There are 5 levels up to not being able to walk in your home, etc. NOT there, never been there -- closest I ever got was stacked boxes of store stock in the living room. The laundry, dishes, catbox all get dealt with regularly here. It's cluttered and dusty, but not filthy and a health hazard.

I've read quite a lot about hoarding because I have poor organization skills. I never learned to organize personal items as a youngster, but once I hit the right hoarding book, I finally knew what to do to get organized.

I would describe myself as a prepper/ hoarder. I don't have ammunition though. I'm far from stores so it's food in reasonable quantities, frequently used automotive and hardware supplies, and some cleaning supplies, and lots of unused or reclaimed cleanly stored plastic bags for hoard reorganization. I bag everything in clear bags and label. I also have clothes that are beginning to fit again, and lots and lots of blankets. (Been without electricity for long periods, and lived winters just warm enough the pipes won't freeze)

My dishes are done at least daily, but more often immediately because I have a single, not double kitchen sink and little counter space, and occasionally the sink has water in it because the greywater buckets are still full. The bathroom is kept reasonably clean. The floors get washed frequently.

But daily cleanup tasks are on the procrastination spectrum. It's a different thing from hoarding. Obviously, once your floor is full of stacked boxes, the boxes need moving regularly to clean the floor around them though and if that isn't done...

Most books define the hoarding level by how cluttered things are, so I would describe this as how little air space there is, and how much room is there to walk? Is the top bunk of an unused bunk bed tidily packed full of boxes, or are unlike items crammed into that space?

Assessing someone's hoard, little attention seems to be focused on whether items are sorted and clean, and protected from dust, but rather whether or not they are in containers, and stacked in a way pleasing to the eye, or just a mass of bagged like items crammed into a space that's safe and stable, or not

Many stores are actually a hoard, but if everything can be found quickly and safely and things look packed but tidy and clean, I would give the store a pass. If aisles might not pass a fire inspection, I wouldn't. I would apply the same principle to a personal hoard. If certain parts of the house contain unidentified items forgotten about and neglected, it's a dormant monster in my opinion. I have a 160 cubic foot section in the basement to get to that is a dormant monster, contains everything from years ago including some childhood artwork from my niece, certainly deserving a quick digital photo then composting. Then a good clean. All of it are in perfectly good storage bins that could be used for better things.

I could spend a week in my small bedroom as well again, however no one sees it so it gets procrastinated until I need to look for paperwork buried in storage bins, with a light coating of assorted junk (on top of the 5' Rubbermaid tower) or bagged clean bedding (exterior wall that gets cold and needs tearing apart, awaiting just that!) So yes, my bed is uncluttered but I can class my bedroom as a hoard.

Personally, I only think the levels are useful when deciding which areas to attack first. If a hoard or wannabe hoard meets you before your dog does, it must go out 😂 I suppose the levels may be useful if someone is looking to do something about it for someone else, but I think a picture says 1000 words and levels are arbitrary. Someone throwing daily tasks into the mix might be confusing procrastination with hoarding, and although some hoarders procrastinate their daily cleanliness tasks, and how often the floor gets done: daily in the kitchen and bathroom and maybe weekly elsewhere if you don't have young children swimming across floor surfaces, and then other hoarders don't clean at all, assuming this task belongs to a weaker sex expected to clean around hoards. Once other people, be they children or other people are added to the mix, that changes a lot.

My basement hoard hasn't been high priority because I have had more important things to do / move, and I don't need that space really. It's a good project for rainy autumn days when the wood stove in the basement is burning!

On my hoard journey, I've disposed of enough space for a wonderful hoard of permies books! 😂 This recent hoard that accumulated in my absence is my priority one to get organized and will be a fun job. They are piled on fold-up stools leaving a trail to the bedroom! It's a job to be done in one fowl swoop: first, bagged into galvanized cans and stored under cover, then when the bedroom hoard has been done, and the bed frame replaced with the single over double pine bunk, I will be fitting my milk crates into the upper bunk against the wall after replacing insulation, and building in shelves on the bottom bunk leaving room for a single mattress.

I came up with a new wrinkle. One thing I've realized is that the piles o' stuff here are nearly all things which have no "home."

So, I made a list, from A to Z. Now I have a concise, well-ordered list of categories of  "stuff" to think on/decide where they should live/be put away, or... just go to the dump?

I put the list in a pretty notebook I had (a small dot journal) and used alphabetic stickers too. Because I know that spending the extra time/effort/stationery will get me to not immediately lose the piece somewhere. The money, time, and work I put in will get me to keep it around, for at least a while. (That's a perfect example of the type of games I have to play to get past the panic attacks from the PTSD.)

My partner has started looking at the list, so there's a few more things that now have homes/places to be put away that didn't before (or I didn't know about).

That's great Jennie!

One mental game I played that helped was to consider my unsorted items as I would if my house were a department store. Learning from how they organize, minus the eye candy and impulse buy items, I was able to sort this stuff effectively.

Personally, I can't multitask, and I can only sort, then later go back to a sorted collection in order to attempt to prioritize. In between assessing sorted labeled items and prioritizing, I have to determine how much space I can or am willing to allocate for this cache, then work on how to fit the highest priority items into that space. When you break it down, getting sorted items put away into an organized space is really lots of smaller steps, so no wonder it is a challenge for me!

I'm happy lists work for you. They don't work for me at all. I am very visual and it's one of the reasons why I find putting things away so difficult: I locate by visual memory, relying on the last video clip in order to find something, and this approach runs in my family. Like finding a puzzle piece, I know exactly what image I am looking for. However, a roll of tape can look like a rectangle rather than a cylinder and something someone buried under their coat can become a panic attack so things like keys are hung by the door. I have a massive amount of items hanging by the door, each accessible in under 2 seconds lol

Jennie Little wrote:
- Understanding that what occurred to me in a clean space was a panic attack. (20? years)
- Attempts to thwart panicking in a clean space: superbetter, me/you health site, gaming, counting, various system -- all failed eventually. (15 years)
- Admitting that I can't fight the panic attacks, only "habitualize" cleaning or I immediately create a mess. (5? years)
- Understanding that much of the "mess" is created by my not letting myself finish longer tasks. Leaves get raked into piles and left, etc. (1 year)

I wonder if there's a way to have a mess that isn't a mess. The stylistic trend during the 1990s and early 2000s was "minimalism," where there isn't much clutter at all. Everything is clean and stark and there's lots of empty spaces. Some people love it, but it seems impersonal and cold to me.

I'm thinking this is a really stressful style for you.

But, recently, the younger people are leaning into "maximalism," "Goblin core," "cottage core," etc, where things are cluttered and full of crafts and knick-knacks.

maximalist. Lots of clutter, but it's clean and kind of organized

More maximalism. For some, it's too visually stimulating.

Here's some Goblin-core images. It has a tamer color pallet, with lots of nature and books. Something like this might allow you nooks and crannies to have craft projects just sitting places. You could install more shelves and enjoy the shelves.

Goblincore

Your mom might have thought this was messy.

More goblincore. It's cozy in a messy way.

My house is messy. I struggle with hoarding, too. Every time I give something away and then wish I had it later just reinforces that. I try to not accumulate things...and build more shelves. My house is generally cluttered--it's very maximalist. Many people might think it's messy. But, if I actually get the counter and living room and everything picked up and put sort of in it's place, it still looks cluttered but many think it looks cozy and crafty.

I had a friend over a few weeks ago. Man, I cleaned so much to be ready for me to feel like having people over. I didn't get our den cleaned very much, though. The den is our "hobby room." All four of us have our nooks and craft areas and computers. There's fish tanks and snail vases, shelves of wool and yarn and projects in the middle of being completed. My friend said it looked so creative and crafty.

I wonder if you could play some mental tricks on yourself where a more cluttered style can take the place of "messy" as a refuge for you? Maybe that will free you a bit to feel even better as the mess leaves?

I'm honestly super impressed by you. I don't have any history of abuse or anything--my hoarding is probably partially genetic and partially based on my fear of losing something that I might need/want later. But, I still struggle so hard to give or throw away anything. It would be so hard to process one storage unit, let alone three. That is seriously impressive. Even if someone just gave me three storage units of stuff that had never been mine--but now was--I would struggle to process it all. You should be very proud of yourself.

One thing I do, when I need motivation to clean, is watch an episode of hoarders.

Nicole,

I'm sort of in between minimalist and goblin I think? I like quirky, odd bits and bright colors. I like cleared horizontal surfaces too, I find them calming.

I do find a lot of minimalism stark/institutional feeling, soul less. I want a base that's neutral and explosions of color or quirk.

I have a light purple cow creamer, for example. I'd love some big vibrant plants but only have small spindly ones right now.

I'm not fond of "griege" color or many neutral colors, though our house is gray outside (stain), with a gray  roof and a gravel drive, gray cubed!

The landscaping is swathes of color: day lilies, daffodils, forsythia, and bracken. It's almost all (except for the veggie garden) large groups of the same plants. What I have pretty much needs no maintenance beyond fertilizing and watering once in a while. There's also a blueberry hedge....

The garden I fuss over is the veggie garden: 5 raised beds and 5 rows in ground. It's messy too, I'm always behind, but I think that's normal. I don't know a gardener who ever feels like they do enough.

I want to use the garden strategy in the house: base color/neutral and color otherwise in large batches or small pops. That's probably where I'll get to, when I don't have boxes of stuff around the edges of almost every room or piles on horizontal surfaces. I have no problem with having stuff stored in boxes. I just want it to be things I really want in deep storage, instead of things I have nowhere to put away, no room to put them away, or things that were stored because of the cleaning panic instead of really wanting to keep them....

I'm looking for ordered, instead of sterile. Calm instead of frantic -- and quirky/charming in a way that makes me smile, rather than something I feel like I have to apologize for.

I don't care how others see what I have/how I have it, except the person I share the space with of course. He gets a perpetual veto. He shares the space, he funds most of the life here. He shares and compromises and works hard to help me find the blending between us when we differ.

Nicole: your image of mnimalist looks like a waiting room 😂 at a dentist or counseling center

What I see now days is a lot of folks, mainly ladies are staging their homes.

Our daughter does this.  Her dining table has place mats, silverware and plates all the time.

Back to the topic:

The quickest was to handle this sort of thing is to get 3 boxes.  Tackle one room at a time.  Mark the boxes with keep, trash, donate.

Ra Kenworth wrote:Nicole: your image of mnimalist looks like a waiting room 😂 at a dentist or counseling center

Off on a tangent... yes, the minimalist room is *not* for socializing or conversation. It could be easily improved by moving the two loose chairs to off the corners of the coffee table so there was only feet, rather than over a yard between the people who would actually want to talk to each other.

In comparison, Nicole's Maximalism extreme has sofas talking distance apart and the two chairs are nicely at an angle to each other and the sofas, which is actually a more comfortable talking position than directly opposite, (for at least some shyer people - not so bad for really outgoing people).

So it's not just boxes - if as you accomplish organization, you keep in mind what good relationships are built on and design your space with that in mind, it might be helpful.

Jennie Little wrote:Nicole,

I'm sort of in between minimalist and goblin I think? I like quirky, odd bits and bright colors. I like cleared horizontal surfaces too, I find them calming.

I do find a lot of minimalism stark/institutional feeling, soul less. I want a base that's neutral and explosions of color or quirk.

....

I'm looking for ordered, instead of sterile. Calm instead of frantic -- and quirky/charming in a way that makes me smile, rather than something I feel like I have to apologize for.

I love that you have an aesthetic that you like. Focus on that. Focus on how you LIKE things to be calm and charming. Focus on what you're looking forward to, not on the mess and disappointment. I would start with one room. The room you or guests see the most. For me, when I clean, I start with my living room because that's where people enter. I try to have that look how I want things to look. Then I clean the bathroom and kitchen. Then our den. My bedroom is a MESS. It's the last place I ever get around to cleaning...so it rarely gets cleaned. And, my husband works nights, so I only have access to it for a few hours a week when I'm not sleeping.

It's kind of like paying down debt. Work at one thing at a time so you have an accomplishment. As an added bonus, you'll have a nice room to sit and relax in and feel good in.

Can you have someone to haul them away? "Entire Antique Book Collection for $?"

Jennie Little wrote:Nicole,

I'm sort of in between minimalist and goblin I think? I like quirky, odd bits and bright colors. I like cleared horizontal surfaces too, I find them calming.

I do find a lot of minimalism stark/institutional feeling, soul less. I want a base that's neutral and explosions of color or quirk.

I have a light purple cow creamer, for example. I'd love some big vibrant plants but only have small spindly ones right now.

I'm not fond of "griege" color or many neutral colors, though our house is gray outside (stain), with a gray  roof and a gravel drive, gray cubed!

The landscaping is swathes of color: day lilies, daffodils, forsythia, and bracken. It's almost all (except for the veggie garden) large groups of the same plants. What I have pretty much needs no maintenance beyond fertilizing and watering once in a while. There's also a blueberry hedge....

The garden I fuss over is the veggie garden: 5 raised beds and 5 rows in ground. It's messy too, I'm always behind, but I think that's normal. I don't know a gardener who ever feels like they do enough.

I want to use the garden strategy in the house: base color/neutral and color otherwise in large batches or small pops. That's probably where I'll get to, when I don't have boxes of stuff around the edges of almost every room or piles on horizontal surfaces. I have no problem with having stuff stored in boxes. I just want it to be things I really want in deep storage, instead of things I have nowhere to put away, no room to put them away, or things that were stored because of the cleaning panic instead of really wanting to keep them....

I'm looking for ordered, instead of sterile. Calm instead of frantic -- and quirky/charming in a way that makes me smile, rather than something I feel like I have to apologize for.

I don't care how others see what I have/how I have it, except the person I share the space with of course. He gets a perpetual veto. He shares the space, he funds most of the life here. He shares and compromises and works hard to help me find the blending between us when we differ.

That part really helps me with sorting out my things too. Considering the other helps me to have new eyes, and sometimes move more quickly through a declutter session!

There is an estate sale company in my area that is running an ad that they will come pick up your books and haul them off for free. Maybe there is one near you with the same offer? Just don't mention that you are hanging on to the valuable books to sell yourself.

Jennie Little wrote:Nicole,

I'm sort of in between minimalist and goblin I think? I like quirky, odd bits and bright colors. I like cleared horizontal surfaces too, I find them calming.

I do find a lot of minimalism stark/institutional feeling, soul less. I want a base that's neutral and explosions of color or quirk.

I have a light purple cow creamer, for example. I'd love some big vibrant plants but only have small spindly ones right now.

I'm not fond of "griege" color or many neutral colors, though our house is gray outside (stain), with a gray  roof and a gravel drive, gray cubed!

The landscaping is swathes of color: day lilies, daffodils, forsythia, and bracken. It's almost all (except for the veggie garden) large groups of the same plants. What I have pretty much needs no maintenance beyond fertilizing and watering once in a while. There's also a blueberry hedge....

The garden I fuss over is the veggie garden: 5 raised beds and 5 rows in ground. It's messy too, I'm always behind, but I think that's normal. I don't know a gardener who ever feels like they do enough.

I want to use the garden strategy in the house: base color/neutral and color otherwise in large batches or small pops. That's probably where I'll get to, when I don't have boxes of stuff around the edges of almost every room or piles on horizontal surfaces. I have no problem with having stuff stored in boxes. I just want it to be things I really want in deep storage, instead of things I have nowhere to put away, no room to put them away, or things that were stored because of the cleaning panic instead of really wanting to keep them....

I'm looking for ordered, instead of sterile. Calm instead of frantic -- and quirky/charming in a way that makes me smile, rather than something I feel like I have to apologize for.

I don't care how others see what I have/how I have it, except the person I share the space with of course. He gets a perpetual veto. He shares the space, he funds most of the life here. He shares and compromises and works hard to help me find the blending between us when we differ.

Jennie, I think I'd be very comfortable with your decor ideas! It would be very homey, to me. Seems like maybe for some of the same reasons, too. Hugs...