What's Your Mind Like?

I know we're all looking for people who are "like-minded," but whenever I read this phrase I'm left wondering what it means. Not because the vocabulary is challenging, but because I have no idea what "kind of mind" that person has. Being a very introspective person, I spent a lot of time thinking about thought, and a lot of the time, have minds on my mind.
Nevertheless (or perhaps because of this) I'm left drawing a blank when I read the phrase "like minded people." I wish people would explain exactly what attitudes, beliefs, activities or behaviors they're referring to, rather than just hoping someone will magically "vibe with them" after reading this key phrase.
What do people mean by this phrase, and why do they use it? Is its vagueness deliberate, calculated, incidental? How do I know if someone's mind is "like" mine, and does that mean we'll be friends? I'm curious what other people think about this.

As a group the regulars of this forum are all attempting to live more sustainably, learn and develop better ways of living. But having just that in common obviously isn't enough to make a couple. I tend to try to find a carbon copy of myself (which is utterly impossible) but observe that most of the healthier couples I know feature two individuals who are actually quite different from one another. What actually matters when it comes to getting along with another person, or liking them? In what ways do we need (or not) to be "like minded"?

To be fair, I'm angsting over my seeming inability to find anyone who is even remotely "like" me in the mind category, so I wonder if I misunderstand what is meant by this omnipresent dating-profile tagline.

I'm afraid your question might be paradoxical. Maybe two people would have to be like-minded to truly understand if they have the same definition of like-mindedness?

Great post. To me, there are several annoyingly vague phrases like this that clutter many dating profiles.

Perhaps like-minded is a reasonable thing to ask for.. if you have provided a extensive profile. Much of the time, I see it affixed to very sparse profiles, in which case it just seems lazy.

In these cases my reaction is generally, well, no sign of a likeable mind here!



That said, I take like-minded to mean 'of the same mind', IE, of the same opinion/belief. Totally different than 'having similar minds(brains, thoughts, emotions)'.


I think the former is pretty important on big picture ethical stuff & lifestyle choices, and hopefully not a big deal on most smaller scale things given good communication and the ability to compromise... Hopefully.



Having similar brains/minds doesn't seem critical or necessarily even desirable; similarity is no assurance of compatibility! For myself, I hope I will end up in relationships where they have strengths to offset my weaknesses, and I have strengths to offset theirs...



It doesn't seem critical to me, for example, that all parties in a relationship have the same default love languages. It does seem critical that all parties be able to 'speak' well enough in the ways their partner/s needs.

Necessary degree of similarity will vary so much, depending on the people.. the sort of relationship that sees a couple pretty well joined at the hip, seems to need an awful lot of similarity. If the relationship allows for more independence, mutual enjoyment or at least tolerance of literally all the things is vastly less critical...





Other goofy phrases that bug me:

Open-minded. Seems great at first glance... but gosh are there a lot of 'attitudes, beliefs, activities or behaviors' it could be talking about. Anything that one might be leery of putting out in the open in a profile could be lurking behind this one. Maybe A means they really like rope and pain in the bedroom, and B means they make all their important decisions based on astrology, and C means... It would be nice if it was possible for profiles to be more specific, but... I guess people are not quite open-minded enough for that!





Drama-free. Sounds great, right? But in practice there seems to be a couple of meanings...

Is this 'I am a functional adult who believes in good communication, I address issues without letting them fester, and I don't keep dramatic people in my life'?

Or is actually code for 'talking about some subjects is stressful, so instead I refuse to discuss anything difficult...'



The only defense I see for all this vagueness is to put in the time making as complete a profile as practical, which has the added bonus of warding off the people who won't read an essay...



(PS: having just spent 8 days with one eye shut due to an injury, I got a kick out of your sig... )

Yeah! I definitely take "open minded" to mean "married person looking to fool around" or "I'm into something borderline criminal for kicks."
I take "drama-free" as "don't whine to me about your problems, I don't want to be bothered" or "every relationship I'm in is dramatic, but it's the other person's fault."
I like the idea of laziness being the source of vague statements, rather than a deliberate attempt to hide pertinent information, although I'm sure there are some people who do the latter. Really trying to restore some degree of faith in humanity.
I get that not everyone is able to communicate openly via text, but it just doesn't seem very safe to make contact with a stranger who might be doing it deliberately because they're trying to manipulate someone into dating them and they'd rather make it up as they go along to try to seem more appealing to their date.

ExMPLE fake conversation
Dater A "So what do you like to do for fun?"
Dater B "Oh you know, go to restaurants and listen to music. And you?"
Dater A "I love drinking tea and spending time in my garden."
Dater B "Oh yeah? Me too I do that all the time."

As you can see Dater B is a sack of lies, and Dater A is a person.

The other problem I have, is that even people who have a *lot* in common are going to disagree on some things. Big things. Things that matter. Maybe I want to live a more sustainable life, but some things I need to be happy (for example, making art using materials that are harmful to the environment) are not sustainable. People might agree on the main idea, but never meet in the middle on how to apply it practically. I might like someone who sleeps with the TV on, but be unable to sleep with the TV on myself. I might be very concerned about racial equality, but be unsympathetic about LGBTQ issues. People are really complicated. And then people on dating sites want to tell you absolutely nothing of meaning about themselves and expect you to festoon them with adorations. I really don't get it.

In the case of REALLY dangerous people, the more you do tell about yourself upfront, the better able they are to craft a false persona that will entice you. The only reason I say this is because, well. It's happened to me more than once. So I'm trying to work out a way to be open about who I am, without making a backdoor for psychopaths. It would help if I had any social intuition whatsoever, but I'm not so gifted.

"like minded" doesn't really describe the search for a facsimile of the idiosyncratic landscapes of one's mind to me. I think in most cases it simply means, "looking for someone who has similar muses", as a vague starting point to be further refined via "vibing" -- since most people don't really know what they mean or want most of the tube. Of course differences can be more polarizing depending on the subject. Politics or philosophy as muses might require more similar thinking in order to get along well, or else a very adroit ability to interact with ideas foreign or opposite without hostility. Whereas if two people enjoy cooking wildly different cuisine but are culinary adventurous otherwise, that could be seen as very positive. Probably both trouble examples but whatever.

I tend to be drawn towards *how* people possess their ideas as much as the ideas themselves, and communication style is extremely important to me. Most people probably want a mix of commonality and difference, so that they feel some solidarity but also some novelty and challenge at the same time.

I think like minded means that they think along the same lines as me. They make choices I can agree with, it can mean religious choices, political or material.

I don't think everyone should be like minded, that would be boring. And I think people can make interesting choices that are not necessarily the ones I would make.

Life reminds me of the story of Babel far too often.  Language can be so confusing and inefficient that people can't even communicate what their mind is actually like most of the time.

I find a seemingly interesting woman and go on a date maybe once a year.  The last three times, I've called the date off within a couple hours, because even though our values and end goals were the same, they've all seemed to enjoy combative debate, where emotions flare and logic and respect go out the window.  Then I get interrupted, get misunderstood, and get demonized because I say something like, "I don't fully agree with a lot of mainstream "progressive" ideas", but I never get the chance to explain why.

What I'm getting at is that the complex ideas that we tend to find ways to argue about are really not important to everyday life.  I'd happily partner with a strong feminist that hates the patriarchy if we got along as far as daily life goes and she respected my skills, knowledge, and intent.  

Things like diet, sleep schedule, cleanliness, level of domestication, desire for children, desire to actually raise those children instead of letting the system do it, and work ethic, are the important things to have in common.  Complex issues are divisive because they're meant to be, and pushed by people that benefit from that divisiveness.

To attempt to find my away around the conundrum, I came up with an idea.  This is my profile on a dating site (where I see zero action btw...lol)


"I have traditional values, like 16k years ago traditional, so I don't have any interest in discussing politics, culture, or in anything resembling a typical romantic/domestic relationship, but I know that I need some connection and compassion in my life.

Anyone want to experiment with a relationship that doesn't involve spoken language? We could share nice meals, enjoy Nature together, practice wild permaculture, make educational videos, trade massages, play music, etc."

Ernest Ableman wrote:Life reminds me of the story of Babel far too often.  Language can be so confusing and inefficient that people can't even communicate what their mind is actually like most of the time.

I find a seemingly interesting woman and go on a date maybe once a year.  The last three times, I've called the date off within a couple hours, because even though our values and end goals were the same, they've all seemed to enjoy combative debate, where emotions flare and logic and respect go out the window.  Then I get interrupted, get misunderstood, and get demonized because I say something like, "I don't fully agree with a lot of mainstream "progressive" ideas", but I never get the chance to explain why.

What I'm getting at is that the complex ideas that we tend to find ways to argue about are really not important to everyday life.  I'd happily partner with a strong feminist that hates the patriarchy if we got along as far as daily life goes and she respected my skills, knowledge, and intent.  

Things like diet, sleep schedule, cleanliness, level of domestication, desire for children, desire to actually raise those children instead of letting the system do it, and work ethic, are the important things to have in common.  Complex issues are divisive because they're meant to be, and pushed by people that benefit from that divisiveness.

To attempt to find my away around the conundrum, I came up with an idea.  This is my profile on a dating site (where I see zero action btw...lol)


"I have traditional values, like 16k years ago traditional, so I don't have any interest in discussing politics, culture, or in anything resembling a typical romantic/domestic relationship, but I know that I need some connection and compassion in my life.

Anyone want to experiment with a relationship that doesn't involve spoken language? We could share nice meals, enjoy Nature together, practice wild permaculture, make educational videos, trade massages, play music, etc."

You may have the wrong approach, I do not believe in dating. Never did, it teaches people to quit on relationships when it gets hard. I became best friends with my wife, we didn't have everything in common. Now we've been married going on 14 years and have four sons together, we have had some very difficult times in this life together but now we are the best we've ever been. She is still my best friend and my closest ally.

My advice is, don't put yourself in a box. Don't limit yourself, you may find the answer you are looking for inside a person you would reject as not checking all the boxes on your list.

My 2 cents.

Ben, those of my children who are married chose to do the same (I grew up in an atmosphere where I did not.)  I agree with you that it teaches people to give up when things get bad.  Marriage is HARD.  My pastor likes to say that some days it's marital bliss; other days, it's marital blisters.  It's worth it, but it takes work.  30+ years for us.

@Sarah, in my opinion, people need to decide first what really matters to them, their core values.  What are the non-negotiables (they should be few)? For me, he had to be funny, smarter than I am, share my faith, want children, and at least not be opposite of me politically.  Those are things that I just couldn't be married without.  All other things paled in comparison.  Everyone's non-negotiables will be different, and what they are says a lot about the person.  Best place to meet compatible people will revolve around those non-negotiables, working toward something both people believe is important.  If faith, then church.  If education is key, then school or other gathering that teaches.  If saving the earth, a great place might be an ag club (or even a trip to Paul's in the summer.)  I tell my unmarried, but waiting, dd to do what is important to HER, and he'll show up.  He might not be at all what is expected :-).  In the mean time, she's developing herself into an even more interesting person.

 Part of the problem is people READING INTO what is there, if you find the person attractive and there way of life something you want also, why not just talk to them?

If I had to define what "like-minded" means to me (though I've never used it), it would be what I call "naturally compatible." I have met several women in my life whom, from the moment I first met them, I felt as if I had known them my whole life. We can instantly finish each other's sentences. We can instantly tell what the other is thinking. With a minimum of words, we can express exactly what we mean with misunderstandings being very rare. We think the exact same things are funny. We are "on the same wavelength" as some put it. This is the most important thing to me. I have been on blind dates where I had to rack my brain just to try to think of simple conversation. I simply don't see how a loving relationship could ever develop where I have to put so much effort into simple communication. Especially when I know there are women out there with whom I am naturally compatible.

Years ago on another forum, someone used a phrase that's stuck with me: "Someone whose eccentricities are compatible with my own."

I'm weird enough that the whole "dating scene" is a waste of time. My attempts at relationships always started with them finding my quirks delightful, and ended with the words "why can't you just be normal for a change?"

I've even tried those sites where you go through a multi-page personality test to try and match people who are compatible, but they just don't have a category for "I'm a borderline-autistic plant-obsessed science-geek and a Christian, who identifies as a wood elf."

People seem convinced that every single one of my traits can be changed if they scold me enough.

I wish there was a way to identify that elusive "like-mindedness". If you ever figure it out, let me know.

I've even tried those sites where you go through a multi-page personality test to try and match people who are compatible, but they just don't have a category for "I'm a borderline-autistic plant-obsessed science-geek and a Christian, who identifies as a wood elf."

 I can relate to being slightly similarly uncategorizable through such mechanisms.  I sympathize.  

Back to the subject of this thread:

Minds are not like other minds.  They evolve from singular origins and are affected by individual experiences.  

"Like-minded" has to mean that the person thinks (or agrees with the thinking) along the same lines as what is detailed in your own profile.  This does not mean that they think in all ways, always like you, but that they share your thinking about how you expressed your paradigm, or how you view the external paradigm as expressed in your profile.  

Anything that expects something beyond that way of understanding the phrase has to be laziness, in my way of thinking.

The nature of this thread's subject is the reason why my own dating profile (when I spend enough energy to care about such things)  has always been an essay.  ...but also why I get people both complimenting me on the details and extensive nature of it and also on my lack of hits from like-minded people, as there are so few anarchist, gnostic, yogic, permaculturalist bushfreak communitarians out there.  

Okay! I got a little emotional and ran away from the thread right after starting it. Sorry. It's hard for me because dating sites and apparently discussing them makes me feel so dejected and anxious that I can't really deal. It has taken me this long to come back and read, which wasn't my intention.

I think a lot of it does boil down to oversimplification vs too much information to assess at a glance. I'm assuming most people using dating sites don't want to spend 20 minutes reading a profile before they decide to "swipe" or whatever. But I also assume that anyone who's "swiping" based on an image and little or nothing more, is not looking for someone they can form a serious relationship with.

Anyway everybody... I think the problem for me is when they say "like minded" with no context I just automatically feel rejected because there isn't a group of people I identify as being of "like mind" with myself. I'm complicated and contradictory at times. My mind changes, sometimes daily, even though my values stay the same. Basically every time I receive new information, I adjust to try and find the best possible solution. For example I used to love certain wildlife organizations until I found out they were forcing aboriginal tribes from the rainforest to try and "protect" the rainforest, ignoring these peoples' place as a vital component of the forest ecology and extant protectors of the forest, LET ALONE their human rights. So my "mind" towards them changed. It updated to reflect the new information. Blah.

Roberto-
Yes, it is frustrating being a lone weirdo in an apparent sea of automotons. I sometimes feel as if the only way to ever get a boyfriend is to pretend to love Nascar and football, jump into the closest bandwagon and try my best to grin and bear it. And to dress like a clown and change my name to Stacy. The mental acrobatics I've done in the past to facilitate such "relationships" has damaged my emotional wellbeing extensively.
The upside is that on the healing journey after, I've found that I actually love my weird self. Many people have tried to change those things about me that make me who I am. The things I love the most about myself. It's a really horrible kind of rejection when someone won't let you go physically, but loathes you emotionally. So if doing things your way has protected you from this kind of emotional violence, I think it's a good strategy, even if it means you didn't end up dating anyone.
Usually when I see "like-minded" used in profiles, it's without any information that would indicate what that person's values or lifestyle are. That's why I get frustrated with it. Just a picture of a random guy making a creepy facial expression with the words "seeking like minded" and little to nothing else. I don't know who he votes for, what he likes to eat, if he believes in a god or anything like that, but I'm supposed to know from this little phrase whether to be interested or not. But the thing is, when I see that, I DO form an image of what his lifestyle and views are; I see him sitting on a couch in his underwear drinking bud lite and watching Nascar, yelling at his girlfriend to bring him cigarettes or something. This is a problem of my own prejudice filling in, not the blanks, but the entire blank canvas. So when I read "like minded" I feel "we have absolutely nothing in common." I automatically feel rejected. Then I feel defensive. Then I swipe left.

Ellendra-
That is a very good phrase indeed, "Someone whose eccentricities are compatible with my own." I have similar difficulties to what you describe. I too have some indicators that I'm probably "on the spectrum" and haven't found a mate because... well... basically most people act like science and christianity are contradictory/mutually exclusive. Not to mention mystical things like elves and loving nature. A few hundred years ago we'd probably both have been mistaken for witches and burned or whatever. I'm always the dangerous, subversive progressive person at church, and the backwards religious idiot in science circles. I'm always the outsider.
I think the problem with the personality tests etc, is that they just don't work. Our understanding of psychology is really in its infancy, and the personality tests can't assess what a person really is like, let alone predict what kind of person they'll "click" with. It's similar to horoscopes IMO, using vague concepts and repeating back what information you've given to make it seem meaningful. To make matters worse, my "personality type" is associated with an elevated risk of becoming an abuse victim, since abusers seek people who will work hard to care for them. I've removed both my "personality type" and my diagnoses from my profile to make it more difficult for jerks to identify me as a potential resource.
Sometimes I do still hear the voices of people scolding me, trying to change me. Trying to make me normal. I don't think those people loved me very much in the first place. But now I don't scold myself anymore. If I want to sit on the floor, I sit on the floor. If I want my legs to be hairy, I let them be. I don't have to wear makeup. I don't have to give priority to males. I don't have to "humor people" at the cost of my own sanity. Sometimes I take myself on dates. These have been the best dates ever, because I got to do what I wanted and eat what I wanted and wear what I wanted without being coerced or ridiculed or made to endure some unpleasant condition or watch a movie I had no interest in. I didn't have to be manipulated to get my hopes up, only to be disappointed deliberately. I didn't have to lie and tell anyone how much fun I was having when I was in pain. I guess I'm just so weird that I have to be my own best friend for now, at least until I'm healthy and skilled enough to form and maintain healthy relationships. It's so much harder because I can't "read" people's body language to magically infer what they really mean, and they don't always tell the truth and I can't always tell that they're not telling the truth. I can't infer the important things they're not telling me.
But yeah I think that compatibility probably has more to do with lifestlye than with ideology... I've given up on finding the male version of myself. I'd probably be happy with someone who just didn't turn on the light or the TV at 4am and wasn't hostile towards vegetables, assuming they actually liked me and had some kind of morals. Maybe nobody likes me XD but I like myself so it's okay...

Interesting observation and topic.

I would prefer to pair bond with a woman whose mind and my mind were complementary as opposed to alike.

I have a unique mind; if I pair bonded with someone  whose mind was like mine it could be disastrous.

I often think it would be nice to meet a woman with similar goals, values, and priorities, but who  had different qualities to bring to the relationship.

Some things being the same or similar, like intelligence level might be good, but not necessarily. Lots of people with significant differences in iq still have lasting meaningful relationships and families.

Complimentary attributes are the ideal. As a single parent trying to homeschool, housekeep, homestead, and earn money etc., I am constantly facing might short comings and realizing that the answer lays in partnering with someone who is not like me but who is after the same things as me.

Seth Gardener wrote:Interesting observation and topic.

I would prefer to pair bond with a woman whose mind and my mind were complementary as opposed to alike.

I have a unique mind; if I pair bonded with someone  whose mind was like mine it could be disastrous.

I often think it would be nice to meet a woman with similar goals, values, and priorities, but who  had different qualities to bring to the relationship.

Some things being the same or similar, like intelligence level might be good, but not necessarily. Lots of people with significant differences in iq still have lasting meaningful relationships and families.

Complimentary attributes are the ideal. As a single parent trying to homeschool, housekeep, homestead, and earn money etc., I am constantly facing might short comings and realizing that the answer lays in partnering with someone who is not like me but who is after the same things as me.

Well said. I agree. I've had partners that were too similar and it was so boring. haha. I like to find people that make me think and challenge me more. That can see a different side to things and bring a new perspective.

Jenny Jones wrote:

Seth Gardener wrote:Interesting observation and topic.

I would prefer to pair bond with a woman whose mind and my mind were complementary as opposed to alike.

I have a unique mind; if I pair bonded with someone  whose mind was like mine it could be disastrous.

I often think it would be nice to meet a woman with similar goals, values, and priorities, but who  had different qualities to bring to the relationship.

Some things being the same or similar, like intelligence level might be good, but not necessarily. Lots of people with significant differences in iq still have lasting meaningful relationships and families.

Complimentary attributes are the ideal. As a single parent trying to homeschool, housekeep, homestead, and earn money etc., I am constantly facing might short comings and realizing that the answer lays in partnering with someone who is not like me but who is after the same things as me.

Well said. I agree. I've had partners that were too similar and it was so boring. haha. I like to find people that make me think and challenge me more. That can see a different side to things and bring a new perspective.

My kids mom and I were too similar in many ways and it was not a good or healthy match as a result. Being boring wasn't the problem, but sharing certain tendencies  was not what our relationship needed. We get along very well but as a couple we did not balance eachoter out in anyway.

My landlords seem to have a great relationship but are total opposites who also work and run a buisness together. If they were both like either one of them none of what they do, including being a couple would work out for them.

~Sarah, i just love your posts, and i agree with you on so many things!!!~Im an older lady, 62, and am also not an easy match~No, im not a lesbian hitting on you, but you sound a lot like me~Im too much of a hippie to be a redneck, and too much of a redneck to be a hippy~Im an odd combo of things that i cant imagine a male version of existing~Ive been out in my forest for several decades, but am starting to want a partner....if thats even possible....

Yeah Kathy, male versions of our selves definitely do not exist! I think a lot of the problem for me is the huge gap between who I am and who I think I would have to be, for a man to want me. I actually really really like myself, but I end up feeling like I have to amputate parts of myself and invent others in order to make/keep a male interested? I think it's mostly caused by growing up in an abusive family, and only ever having dated abusive people. I have a deep sense of dread and rejection going into any relationship at all because that's what I experienced in my family; I tried to compensate by people-pleasing, and would lose myself entirely in relationships, being swallowed up by the other person's prerogatives and force of will. I wanted to make things work at any cost... and that cost was my self. But I felt extremely resentful at the same time, because people were taking so much of me, loving so little of me, and giving nothing back... So I have to fix my relationship with myself, to learn to treat my self as an end and not a means, to step into all of the awesome things about me without worrying about whether or not I can get my ovum fertilized before I reach menopause.

It seems that at least among women, there are a fair number with the redneck/hippie combo? But because of tolerance issues need to hide one or the other depending on which group of people we're around. My mom's family has some self-hating Appalachian roots, but my dad's family is mixed race which was never actually discussed as part of the reason for our general cognitive dissonance. I feel like a walking contradiction sometimes. My dad has old-world values and book smarts and my mom's family doesn't seem to have any values whatsoever, other than trying to look good, which I don't, and I don't see the point of. They were always embarrassed or ashamed and it was really easy for them to point the finger at me. I couldn't conform and couldn't even want to.
Anyway if I do ever find a partner it probably won't be state side? Just yesterday I answered the door and the guy asks if my parents are home. 36 and still get mistaken for a child here.... need to go somewhere where most peoples' secondary sexual characteristics are less pronounced so people will recognize me as an adult.

Anyway yeah I think the inverse clone of myself model of ideal partner is not going to work, ever. It could be possible to find someone who I like, who also likes me, who wants to live in a way that's compatible with the way I want to live. Asking for more than that at this point seems a little ridiculous, or like setting myself up to get hoodwinked or else find fault with a potential partner based on my inability to accept our differences/their imperfections. If I'm doing a good job of affirming and expanding on what I like about my own self, if I manage to earn my own trust, I won't need to get perfect acceptance from a partner in order to be happy with that relationship. I can't expect a romantic partner to fulfill my primordial child need for love and acceptance, and if they promise to be able to do that, they're probably just baiting me or delusional about their own healing powers anyway. Breaking from a lifetime of practicing self-defensiveness while constantly tearing myself down (the perfect defense combo against my narcissistic family members!!111 You can't insult me because I already depict myself as a worm!) takes a LOT of work, and distancing myself from certain people and situations. But I'm starting to feel like I can be okay for, idunno, the first time ever.

SO now I'm feeling like, these kinds of catch phrases like "like minded" are alienating to me for a reason, it's a red flag that the person is thinking about relationship in a way that's transactional, they have things they want to get, here is the list of what they have to offer, and I know I don't want none of that so it immediately shuts me out and shuts me down.

~Sarah, i kinda think that phrase, 'like-minded' refers more to looking for someone with similar values, rather than someone based on their looks, body type, etc.~Maybe thats just my interpretation, but thats what i have always figured that meant?~☆~I grew up the black sheep scapegoat, so im not used to being accepted either~Its funny what you said about how your church sees you, cuz i got kicked out of my church for believing in astrology~In hippy circles, im seen as the radical Christian, tho....and i am also politically conservative, so im really an odd combo that does not fit in anywhere.....im such a hermit...ive recently been learning about the autism spectrum, and im pretty sure im somewhat of an aspie, as well as all my other oddities.....☆

Sarah Koster wrote: I end up feeling like I have to amputate parts of myself and invent others in order to make/keep a male interested?

I felt like this for a long time. I was the cool chick drinking buddy to all the guys, but never anything else. Online dating opens up such a huge number of people you would never otherwise meet. There's an ocean of dreck to wade through, but it's an amazing tool.

I worked with a woman from the US who had moved to Canada to marry her online gaming buddy...who was 18 years younger than her. She was not in any way the kind of woman you'd expect a guy literally her daughter's age to go for. They'd been together for a while and seemed totally happy, though.

Don't settle. Be who you are and keep looking for the person you actually want. Try not to be too emotionally invested in the process, though, or it's super exhausting and depressing.

When I read drama free, to me it sounds like, My own constant drama is way too important to me to allow room for anyone else's.

Yeah I agree at least textbook definition of "like-minded" has to do with similar values, but reality on online dating profiles it generally isn't accompanied by any explanation of what values they mean? So my inference is "values that lead to dating someone based solely on their profile picture" because the type of advertising I'm talking about is characterized specifically by a lack of any meaningful information.
Yeah I got kicked out of one church just because I wasn't in college anymore and it was a college church, but that pastor kicked out some of my friends before that, for various stupid and counterproductive reasons. I think he just wanted everyone there to look super preppy or something.

Pretty sure being on autism spectrum grants us some superpower that leads us to permies via allowing us to reject mal-adaptive folkways? My aunt seems to want to kill me because I didn't want to mow the grass or spray weed killer, and she tried to attribute my reluctance to "mental illness." Did not feel like re-traumatizing myself by trying to tell her facts.

Up until recently I was very rigid biblical-doctrine-only christian, but simultaneously not believing in hierarchy (I could write a damn good biblical argument for anarchy) so I think that was very unnerving for people who wanted to maintain status quo. But like... think of the Bereans. They didn't just take preachers' word for it, they checked scripture to see if what they were saying was consistent with the scripture, I felt like that was what I was doing but I got flack for it. Astrology definitely played a huge role in early Judeo-Christian ideas, all kinds of signs mentioned even in new testament. I still have knee-jerk reaction of "that's witchcraft" to it though, even though I'm technically more of a reluctant atheist at this point.

So really it is difficult to find someone who is "like minded" to a woman on autism spectrum who is simultaneously christian and cares about the environment and wants to live outside of the oppressive norm. It's also difficult to deal with the feeling of rejection when reading catch phrases in dating profiles that trigger feelings of rejection, or that create a question they don't attempt to answer. That whole "I don't belong here" feeling just swirls around and around like toilet water that never finishes flushing.

~Yes, im pretty certain my family sees me as 'unmedicated'...ha ha~☆~I can sort of see the church's point about astrology, but maybe not for the same reasons they may have~Its something ive thought about a lot~Im very curious about how astrology was used in biblical times?~Astrology has such vast possible uses~I can see where someone could focus too much on astrology to guide them, and ignore their guidance from God, and their intuition~Also, i can see where if a person needs to go through something difficult or challenging to learn or experience something that they need, and they have used astrology to avoid anything risky, or uncomfortable, that they could mess up their path without understanding that~Astrology is a big part of the Farmers Almanac, and is a bit like a weather report, as far as being 'predictive'~It was odd what upset my pastor tho, cuz it was what brought me closer to God, was when i decided to have God be the center of my life, i immediately envisioned the Sun being the center of our world, and how in astrology, the Sun correlated with the sign of leo, which needs to be center stage, praise & acknowledgement, just like God~

Yeah I can see why your church had that kind of reaction lol, I wouldn't be able to explain it without sending this whole thread into the ulcer factory/cider press. At this point I understand that there is a lot that science isn't able to explain just yet, but I also am wanting more and more concrete reasons to base my opinions and actions on. Like I want to do what helps me survive and feel okay, not just whatever my impulses (or someone else's impulses, imposed on me) urge me to do. I had to learn early on that I need to be careful with when/how I share my emotions and my more "out there" thoughts, but there are definitely times when I cannot control it or I'm dysregulated and I say stuff in front of people who I'd normally not choose to say that stuff in front of. I don't think there is anything wrong with what I am feeling or saying, but I know that certain people will take it as an opportunity to hurt me.

I was reading the posts and I remembered a job posting a few years ago. It was a job for a local TV station and I remembered the words "looking for like minded person to join our sales team".  This was at the end of the ad but it was still vague. Many years ago when I was looking for work a lot of the job description were vague.  It was at times hard to understand what the person who wrote the job description wanted. I feel the same could be said about writing a profile.  

T Blankinship wrote:I was reading the posts and I remembered a job posting a few years ago. It was a job for a local TV station and I remembered the words "looking for like minded person to join our sales team".  This was at the end of the ad but it was still vague. Many years ago when I was looking for work a lot of the job description were vague.  It was at times hard to understand what the person who wrote the job description wanted. I feel the same could be said about writing a profile.  

Yes! Exactly! Meaninglessly vague, like a catch-all net thrown carelessly into the water, willing to drag anything caught onto the boat for inspection or slaughter.

  ~Sarah, yes, i totally understand that part about saying too much...ha ha...i do that all the time, too!!!~That is also an aspie tendancy~Being told not to believe in astrology, is like saying to not 'believe' in color?!?~I see it everywhere, and im not going to try to deny truth!!!~☆~The pastor didnt approve of me meditating either, which i believe Jesus taught, but it was 'edited' out of the Bible~And as much as the church claimed to follow the Bible, fasting was also totally ignored, which would have drastically reduced many of the health problems we were all asked to pray for, regularly~☆~

As few and far as we may all be in the physical world, I am begining to think that at a site like this there may be more of us than we normally think, or are used to.

Just like Kathy Woods said I've recently come to realize that I am likely in the autistic spectrum. Just mildly enough that if you don't know me well you probably would not think so.

That aspect of many of us might be what leads us to permaculture from many angles: the idea of self sufficiency is appealing to people who don't fit into society and also who see society as being full of peculiarities, flaws, ignorance and other wierdnesses which an autistic person may be more likely to notice and question as opposed to someone more neurotypical who is well adapted to those things, seeing conventional farming as full of wierdness, ignorance and peculiarities that don't make sense may seem more apparent to people on the autistic spectrum, and a reluctance to adapt to those questionable things might be something more likely for an an autistic person also.

The same with christianity. I'm also an unconventional christian and many conventional christians would say that means I'm not a christian. Oddly though many of those people don't know their scriptures and are really just blindly following the blind.

I've actually read the entire Bible, front to back and much of that was through a book that had 4 bible translations in one, so I read the 4 bibles at once.

After reading it I still thoroughly believe but I saw so much that led me to question the orthodox doctrine and conventional view, and also what I did NOT see. I think alot of semi autistic people would have a similar perception.

Just like Sarah Koster said I believe there is some pretty strong argument for anarchy in the Bible. If not anarchy there is definitely reason to believe that politicly there should be no centralized power structure according to scripture. For one thing, autonomy is of the utmost importance on the spiritual plain if God is judging us by choices we make of our own free will. More so though when God led the people into the promised land and gave instructions for them to live by the entire structure that was given to them was without any hierarchy in the sense that we are used to thinking about in the sense of a Govt. there was no centralized power. No rent system so there was not even a landlord to who was above anyone. Obviously they were given customs to live by, but they ruled over themselves.

In the book of Samuel hundreds of years after Moses they asked for a king and to be like other nations, and God told them it was a "horrible, and wicked thing" that they asked for to have a man rule over them and equated it with the people rejecting God. Pair that up with everything Jesus said and it's easy to come to the conclusion that God wants you to follow your own heart instead of a set of rules dictated to by some government (corrupt or not).

But alas, in real life we are certainly few and far. I live in a mountain town in the wilderness an hour and a half in any direction from the nearest traffic light with roughly 1,000 other people and I can't really relate to any of them.although unlike my town and the people in it, I do not see myself among them.

Far too old fashioned for the hippies,, too unconventional for the christians, too experimental for the farmers, too sophisticated and cultured for the hill billies, too much of an anti establishment slacker for the rednecks, too straight for the dope heads, too me for anybody.

I'm a recluse to the fullest, but I often wonder if I would be a recluse if I did fit in, and wasn't such an odd ball, or if there were others who were more like me. I don't think I would ever live a life as socially intertwined as others, but I might not be such a recluse. My attempts at being social have been reduced to things like this: posting on the internet, but I don't use any real social media like facebook or any of that.

I know that I do feel like I would like to be in love, and pair bond/partner with a woman, but where is she? So I just go along with my days more ore less content with unpartnered living life with and raising my son, growing my unconventional garden which is more than large enough for others, but with no others in my life.

  ~Nice post, Seth!!!~You made some excellent points & really fascinating insights!!!~☆~

So did you! I found your posts very relatable and inspiring. It's nice to know there are other people out there that it's possible to relate too, but too bad we are all spread out.

~Thank you!!!~Yes, it is amazing to find people that think like me!!!~☆~

I find this discussion very odd. A couple points come to mind for me, nobody leaves a good marriage, most people stay in a bad marriage for way too long. I remember being at my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and all of us looking at each other like why are we celebrating this. The fact that my grandmother never escaped my grandfather wasn't anything to be celebrated, he was a monster.

In spite of thinking that I will never find someone that I'm willing to put up with, I am on some dating sites, most of them ask general questions like religion, political affiliation and other preferences, I use these to weed out most people. I exclude many others because of things they offer about themselves. My kids say that I exclude to much, but there are some kinds of nonsense that I don't want to deal with, and I feel like if you are putting it out there on a brief summary of yourself you think it's important.

Stacy Witscher wrote:I find this discussion very odd. A couple points come to mind for me, nobody leaves a good marriage, most people stay in a bad marriage for way too long. I remember being at my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and all of us looking at each other like why are we celebrating this. The fact that my grandmother never escaped my grandfather wasn't anything to be celebrated, he was a monster.

In spite of thinking that I will never find someone that I'm willing to put up with, I am on some dating sites, most of them ask general questions like religion, political affiliation and other preferences, I use these to weed out most people. I exclude many others because of things they offer about themselves. My kids say that I exclude to much, but there are some kinds of nonsense that I don't want to deal with, and I feel like if you are putting it out there on a brief summary of yourself you think it's important.

"I like eating out , watching movies, going on walks, listening to music etc etc..."  = so vague and pointless as to be 99.99% useless when it comes to describing yourself for the purpose of finding a partner.

I think what you are referring to are filters.

My point is that most dating sites have better filters than “like mindedness”, if the site you’re on doesn’t, find a better site.