Best and worst in us all

This came out of a reply I made to another thread. I think it is worthwhile to make it a stand alone thread.


There is a VERY wise quote I like: The hardest thing to forgive a person for is the very quality that made you fall in love with them.

I tend to look at a guy and say "What's attracting me to him, his best quality, and will I be able to forgive that when the time comes that I have to?"

It's pretty easy for most of us to come up with an example for this based on things we have seen other people do.
An example is the lady I know who told me when she married "He's so SMART! He's always carrying  a book!" And when they divorced 18 months later told me "He won't TALK to me! He's always reading!"   She didn't manage to forgive him for what attracted her.
Another is the guy I know who showered a lady with expensive gifts (cars, trips, clothes, jewelry!) then was stunned when she took everything she could get when they divorced. He didn't understand that he loved her partly because she fell for his expensive bait, and that was still her priority.

We all know stories like that. But translating it into our own relationships is harder. And forgiving them is even harder.
A relationship out of my past that I couldn't forgive is a guy who is as creative as I am, always has awesome things he's doing, awesome things he's making, shows to do, festivals to make products for. But I couldn't forgive that he was always doing awesome things, leaving me to do all the mundane things like bring in money to pay the bills, cook food, keep the house clean. I want to do awesome things too! I had no time to do awesome things, someone had to deal with the world, and he was always too busy being awesome to help with the worldly stuff.  I didn't realize this though, until we had shredded each other bad enough that it took about two years after we broke up before we could go back to being friends. To keep the relationship intact I would have had to forgive him being awesome creative and busy and he would have had to forgive me wanting some of the world dealt with so I could create too.


BUT!!
That quote is a corollary of another: Your best quality is also your worst flaw. You have to be able to forgive yourself for your best quality too, because at some point, you will realize you have to.

Oooh, now that gets more difficult. What is your best quality? Flip it over, look at it and see the flaw there.

I'm creative, and I am a recycler. I call my creative style bricolage, meaning one who makes things out of bits and pieces from here and there. Which means I will need bits and pieces, and I can see their potential, and I bring home all kinds of things I want to use later. Which means some days the chaos gets deep. Those days I have to be able to forgive myself, I'm doing what I do best, seeing the potential in things. What I do best is usually not put things away immediately, I'd rather create. The dark side of a constantly creative mind is the mess.  

My challenge to y'all is to start looking for the best qualities in everyone, INCLUDING YOURSELF and figure out both what they are, and what will have to be forgiven.
And since this is the singles section, figure out if that quality going to be a deal breaker in a relationship. Practicing this observance in lots of people will make it easier to see in a relationship setting.

That’s rather thought provoking , thanks

"The hardest thing to forgive a person for is the very quality that made you fall in love with them."

I believe the reason for this is because part of forgiving them is admitting that we were wrong, which is not much in vogue these days. They were simply being themselves, while choosing to be with them was squarely on us.

I strangely like being wrong in many circumstances. Being right all the time would be so dull. Being wrong makes me feel alive. It reminds me that I still have more to do. What concerns me so much in dating these days is the push to be perfect, and to find someone perfect. "No fixer uppers." I believe we are all fixer uppers, just to different degrees. I believe  all decent people deserve a chance, and that our salvation is not in trying to help ourselves, but in helping others.

"There is a VERY wise quote I like: The hardest thing to forgive a person for is the very quality that made you fall in love with them."

I loved it when this came up in the other thread. So glad we can expand on it. It really hit home and made sense with my current situation. I won't dive in to deep in to the details, but what was brought up was that I always was willing to help out wherever needed either in the community or at church. Helping other was the thing that made me attractive, but also the thing they hated the most. It's the thing I have dialed down the most in my life, but also has made me feel empty inside. Now I struggle with deciding what, where, & how to go about doing it again and find a happy medium. I think that is one way for us to figure out and to come to terms with our best/worst trait that makes people fall in love with us. Is to find that happy medium.

Jordan Holland wrote: I believe we are all fixer uppers, just to different degrees. I believe all decent people deserve a chance, and that our salvation is not in trying to help ourselves, but in helping others.

Exactly. And when you are looking to buy a fixer upper house, you look at it and decide if what it needs is okay with you, or a dealbreaker.
We forget to do that with people, and we fail to see that the part we adore is the part that may be a problem, and if so, will it be a dealbreaker or can you handle it, forgive them for being themselves, the person you fell in love with, and continue in the relationship.

To me it's part of going into a relationship with eyes open, and seeing reality through the smoke and mirrors of initial attraction.
It's also part of being wise enough to know what your own limits are, what ARE dealbreakers for you? And is it the part you love? And if so, forgive them, with your eyes open, saying "I knew it when I met you, of course it's ok, I can handle that part of you."

This is a very interesting way of looking at, or seeing a relationship through a different viewpoint, I shall keep this in mind.

In Aaron Beck's book "Love is Never Enough", on cognitive therapy tailored toward relationship troubles, he mentions this phenomenon being very common re: what draws people in subsequently driving them away. "Confidence" or being "carefree" can easily morph into perceived "arrogance" or "fickle irresponsibility", respectively, while the more objective reality is probably somewhere in the middle. Insight can help mitigate it somewhat!

Hmmm.   Mine are probably independence, determination, and a desire for new experiences.  

I can see how that might look attractive but then leave someone else with their own needs not met over time when it's who I am ALL the time.

Us all being fixed uppers is problematic because we may want to fix...

Mine is also my desire to help others out,thinking of myself last. Thinking of myself last also left me thinking of my ex last in some respects. Especially as she seemed to want others to do things for her. I got tired of this,found old cards from her starting how one day she would finally get her crap together. I now see a lot of her actions as being manipulative in nature.

Anyway, there was one time some woman ended up in our area knocking on doors because she was told that a rancher in our area needed help and to go help him. My ex told me not to go find her as she knew I would try and help (and could have used the help(.

Pearl Sutton wrote:This came out of a reply I made to another thread. I think it is worthwhile to make it a stand alone thread.


There is a VERY wise quote I like: The hardest thing to forgive a person for is the very quality that made you fall in love with them.

I tend to look at a guy and say "What's attracting me to him, his best quality, and will I be able to forgive that when the time comes that I have to?"

It's pretty easy for most of us to come up with an example for this based on things we have seen other people do.
An example is the lady I know who told me when she married "He's so SMART! He's always carrying  a book!" And when they divorced 18 months later told me "He won't TALK to me! He's always reading!"   She didn't manage to forgive him for what attracted her.
Another is the guy I know who showered a lady with expensive gifts (cars, trips, clothes, jewelry!) then was stunned when she took everything she could get when they divorced. He didn't understand that he loved her partly because she fell for his expensive bait, and that was still her priority.

We all know stories like that. But translating it into our own relationships is harder. And forgiving them is even harder.
A relationship out of my past that I couldn't forgive is a guy who is as creative as I am, always has awesome things he's doing, awesome things he's making, shows to do, festivals to make products for. But I couldn't forgive that he was always doing awesome things, leaving me to do all the mundane things like bring in money to pay the bills, cook food, keep the house clean. I want to do awesome things too! I had no time to do awesome things, someone had to deal with the world, and he was always too busy being awesome to help with the worldly stuff.  I didn't realize this though, until we had shredded each other bad enough that it took about two years after we broke up before we could go back to being friends. To keep the relationship intact I would have had to forgive him being awesome creative and busy and he would have had to forgive me wanting some of the world dealt with so I could create too.


BUT!!
That quote is a corollary of another: Your best quality is also your worst flaw. You have to be able to forgive yourself for your best quality too, because at some point, you will realize you have to.

Oooh, now that gets more difficult. What is your best quality? Flip it over, look at it and see the flaw there.

I'm creative, and I am a recycler. I call my creative style bricolage, meaning one who makes things out of bits and pieces from here and there. Which means I will need bits and pieces, and I can see their potential, and I bring home all kinds of things I want to use later. Which means some days the chaos gets deep. Those days I have to be able to forgive myself, I'm doing what I do best, seeing the potential in things. What I do best is usually not put things away immediately, I'd rather create. The dark side of a constantly creative mind is the mess.  

My challenge to y'all is to start looking for the best qualities in everyone, INCLUDING YOURSELF and figure out both what they are, and what will have to be forgiven.
And since this is the singles section, figure out if that quality going to be a deal breaker in a relationship. Practicing this observance in lots of people will make it easier to see in a relationship setting.

Sometimes I think we are attracted to the qualities we lack. Which can be why "opposites attract". But after spending 20 years with my husband ( he passed away) who was complete opposite. Someday, in the future I would like to try being with someone more similar to myself. And yes, I find it crazy the one thing that attracted you to someone can be the reason you later slit up or the thing you dislike the most. I am a talker and love to have all night conversations, but to him that got old, and he liked to go to bed early. I am such a night owl, and I could ponder the universe with someone all night. After a while I began to resent that I was talking to a wall, he was so introspective and didn't speak about what was on his mind.

I have found that in most aspects of human character that a person’s strongest point is also their weakest.

I don't know. I think that what attracted me to my ex-husband was I thought that he could give me a normal life, but he lied. I think a big problem in relationships is that people lie about who they are and what they want. That is the liar's fault.

What about the inverse of this?

"What drives us away from people may very well be what ought to attract us?"

I don't think it's true all the time, but I do seem to see many who suffer from it.

Yep, the other can drive you crazy! The hardest part is admitting that it takes two.
It is easy to blame others for our unhappiness/ shortcomings

I remember one girl.  I saw her in the balance beam in her skin tight gymnastics suit.  I really liked her boobs.  I don't ever remember not liking them.  ...even after we split.  :-P

Now,  I do remember what she said to me when it became clear that we wouldn't stay together. ...she couldn't stand that I was better than her at everything.  The exact quote was, "Why are you so fucking perfect!?  Can't you make a mistake once in a while!?"  Obviously, I did, and do make plenty of mistakes.  The problem was that I wasn't making as many as her which was something she originally liked.  ...that I was good at a lot of things.

It's funny thinking about how my first impression of her was something superficial and kinda dumb.  ....and hers was much more sophisticated.  Turns out the dumb superficial thing held up better.  hmm....

This reminded me of this thread today:

I am terrible, and it’s all my fault. Forgive me..