E Cochran wrote: I thought we were building this together, I thought that was the plan and I've communicated that more than once to no avail.
Travis Johnson wrote:Where does that start? That starts with being content in the moment. .... What about just stepping back...even if it is just you building that swale and smiling and saying, "this is kind of fun." When the end goal is the source of happiness, a person is always chasing the dragon. Find happiness in the moment and you find a lot more joy in life. I used to do this with woodworking projects. I was so intent on finishing the project and starting another that I was never happy actually using my tools to create. Fooey with that; realizing in the midst of something, even if you are alone in doing it, you are out on YOUR land, doing what YOU love, building something for YOUR future; that is the perspective that breeds contentment my friend.
Ignore me, or ask more questions: I do care about people and I am always a PM away.
Marco Banks wrote:Let me echo something Travis spoke about: expectations.
It's been said that married couples fight about four things: money, sex, children and Christmas.
In truth, they fight about one thing: expectations. ...
Perhaps you need to list your expectations. Once listed, find a time to sit down and work through them.
We find ourselves saying, "I shouldn't HAVE TO TELL YOU, because if I do, it means you don't care." Well . . . for most people, you DO have to tell them. I can't read my wife's mind, and she can't read mine. Perhaps it does take away from the specialness of having her just intuitively know what I want, but telling it to her is a whole lot better than feeling the disappointment of her not having a clue.
Get to the expectation level. Make your list.
Have him make a list of his expectations, and then put them side by side. And once you've done this, let the negotiations begin. Don't get angry, as that solves nothing. Don't withhold affection or do passive aggressive shit to get under his skin. That also does little more than undermine the trust of the relationship. But come back again and again to the table and talk it through.
E Cochran wrote:
I'm at my wits end and extremely discouraged. How do I motivate my spouse to DO something, HELP with something, SUPPORT me in something?
Craig Dobbson wrote:
..... you can get them to motivate themselves with simply rewarding them when they do something you want them to do.
Maureen Atsali wrote: My husband just made a total mess of my 3 sisters plot. Spacing is crazy, its not on contour, he wanted to monocrop maize, he rushed, trying to do it faster. Yeah, it made me twitch. But I tried to be thankful that he showed an interest. And yesterday, when I started putting the beans in the 3 sisters, he came and told me I was doing it wrong! It rubs, but later I laugh. See the motto of my farm?
Anne Miller wrote: he does the outside stuff
E Cochran wrote:....does that man even exist? - I know they do... my dad was one such person.
John Weiland wrote:
Just a curiosity for the Annals of Psychology, but in the realm of ♪"I want a girl....just like the girl that married dear old dad..."♪♫, I'm wondering why you chose the partner you did instead of one closer in behavior to your father.(??). Also, has your husband ever discussed or hinted at some mild depression? Sometimes the discussed embracing of a new life in the country feels good and seems enthralling until one is dropped into it and then the plans might still be envisioned, but the motivation gets tanked by what has historically been known as melancholia.
I think the list idea is a good one....keeps one focused on tasks that were noted as having high priority of need as well as "doable".
And yes such men exist....or at least they do in fictional form!
Tj Jefferson wrote:
I have seen far too many people double down on "try harder". It is far more valorous to get some appropriate help.
My wife and I had a rough time as I went through several career changes. There was spite, resentment, word fighting, lack of affection, etc. She married me because she saw her dad in me (which is an honor, the guy is awesome), and we just needed someone to help communicate. May need it again!
Joseph Lofthouse wrote:My strategy towards these types of things, is that whomever is doing the labor gets to decide how the labor is done. If someone isn't providing labor, then they don't get a say in how things are done. In my kitchen garden, we have three gardeners with three radically different ways of gardening. Doesn't matter. Whomever is putting the seeds in the ground today gets to put them in how they want to.
Cd Greier wrote:Now I am researching the costs of putting in and using propane. Goodness only knows if, this time, my efforts will be thorough enough and he will follow through accordingly. Although it is painful on many levels, we have learned that both of us make mistakes and we ultimately work it out together.
E Cochran wrote: In some ways my husband is just like my dad. They were both dreamers, liked to travel, liked to explore new things, liked to learn ... but my dad had a work ethic that my husband doesn't share. My dad literally had two jobs in his whole adult life and he never retired. He died last March at 79 years old still working every day. My husband has had 19 jobs in 25 years.
E Cochran wrote:
I mentioned to my husband at one point that he might be mildly depressed but he says he's not. I fight depression all the time, especially this past year or so after my dad died. In some ways my husband is just like my dad. They were both dreamers, liked to travel, liked to explore new things, liked to learn ... but my dad had a work ethic that my husband doesn't share. My dad literally had two jobs in his whole adult life and he never retired. He died last March at 79 years old still working every day. My husband has had 19 jobs in 25 years.
I guess I just need to marry a fictional man! LOL
Ferne Reid wrote:....marriages between people with different temperaments can actually work really well ... as long as you can resist the urge to kill each other.
E Cochran wrote:Seriously, the more I talk about this the more I wonder why the hell I've stayed married to him for this long. All we do is argue. Every single thing is a challenge and I'm so sick of it. It's zapping my energy and my joy.
Judith Browning wrote:
For most of my frustrations, my change of attitude and outlook made all of the difference. It's too easy to blame the one closest to you for failures in lifestyle challenges....relax and give them room to breath and try to help them find out what they truly want in life. A parent child relationship just won't work in a marriage.....
This new adventure should be fun, hard work maybe, but fun for both of you, exciting...if it's not I would question every part of it and maybe throw the whole idea up in the air and rearrange to suit you both.
And will you succeed? Yes you will indeed! (98 and 3/4 % guaranteed) - Seuss. tiny ad:
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