Nonnegotiables

Hmm a cup of coffee in the morning delivered by my sweetie. Or a cup of tea. seeing my cat. Clean surfaces in the kitchen before I cook.

Jordan Holland wrote:Staying away from people who cultivate drama.

Can I give this a hundred thumbs up?

Life is too short to let other people suck it out of you.  I've found that when you move away from those "friends" who are drama queens, they will simply move onto the next person whose life they can try to suck dry.

My non-negotiable: Please don't rapid-fire talk to me until I've had a cup of coffee.

I started to put down my non-negotiables, then I realized that they were mostly manifestations of PTSD. Time alone at the end of my day, and a firearm in easy reach always. The dogs and grandkids have begun to let me ease up on the firearm. Makes me wonder how many of our non-negotiables are the result of adaptation to stress?

I suspect this is a chicken or egg sort of thing. Certainly a missing nonnegotiable increases stress.   So, the question on the table is what happened to make these routines critical in our lives.   In my case, I think I have a clue.  I need 2 cups of coffee in the morn. 1 large cup wont do.  I suspect the first cup is total chill time.  The second cup is a signal that I had bettter get prepared to begin my day.

Julie Harris wrote:

Jordan Holland wrote:Staying away from people who cultivate drama.

Can I give this a hundred thumbs up?

Life is too short to let other people suck it out of you.  I've found that when you move away from those "friends" who are drama queens, they will simply move onto the next person whose life they can try to suck dry.

My non-negotiable: Please don't rapid-fire talk to me until I've had a cup of coffee.

Been doing this most of my life.  When we had TV I would not watch shows that had to much "drama'.

I noticed something about my morning  routine after reading an earlier post of mine. My routine is seasonal; it appears to be based on sunrise.  In the winter, I am up before daylight. So, I have my coffee before the day begins.  In the summer, I grab a fast cup ...see that the livestock gets fed...and then chill with the second cup.  I never noticed this before.

John Weiland wrote:

Paul Sofranko wrote:Two mugs of coffee and about 90 minutes of solitude (prayer/meditation) in the morning and one coffee and 30 minutes of quiet time in the evening.

Wow....yeah...just chiming in on this one.  Why two cups??!..... I have no reasonable answer, but it's the first cup immediately after rising, then the second cup before noon.  After that,....a possible third cup is negotiable.  Ditto with the meditation/down time.

Sorry for the delay; I missed additional replies to this thread. I was just notified about this thread and saw this. Why two cups? Because one isn't enough. I need one to clear away the fog and cobwebs and another just for a jumpstart.

When I had the bookstore, I was always about 30 minutes or more from home. When I got home, I needed another 30 minutes to decompress. I could eat and talk, etc. but don't ask me something complex or tell me something complex! Don't call me. Don't ask me to do anything. With 30 minutes decompression, I could be a fully present human again.

I have PTSD too. My only real nonnegotiatbles are: my husband, who I know will be there if I need to lean in, and some time at the end of the day to wind down. It used to be reading morning and at the end of the day. These days, it's just at the end of the day. More often than not, it's video now, not books. Takes less effort.

Dunno. I think I'd probably add a car/way to move if I need to escape. The only time I really feel "safe" is with DH or when I'm driving.

I know I have plenty of nonnegotiable things, these come to mind in no meaningful order. I will be trying simple and sustainable things for anything all the time. I will grow things for food, and other needs. I will make and cook routine things. I won't use animal products. I won't use mushrooms. I will walk around barefoot. When it would be hot I will want places to stay nude. I will still bundle up when it would be cold. I will reserve time to myself to write. And I will read, for myself or to another. I will probably still reserve time for online communication, where it would be possible, if it will be, but I think I will come to a stop with that. I will talk about certain subjects probably a great deal. I will regularly have a hot drink, as green tea, or a coffee, depending what I have available to have with that.

I used to think that I had many nonnegotiables. Now I'm sure my only nonnegotiable think is free time.


Any other thing I may adapt, but without 2 to 3 hours a day for doing things that I want to do just for myself, it is such a burden that I can't stand it. It could be anything from fixing a laptop to pruning a tree to just watching a show, but it must be something I decided to do, not imposed on me.

Hi Abraham,

Non-negotiables tend to be few and nearly invisible to others.  That is why I took an interest in them. It is easy for others, with good intentions, to take them away.  Your example of free time is perfect.  I used to counsel some adult students. They would talk about their jobs, their school, their kids, their spouses, etc. In many cases hobbies had become work. I would have to work at getting them to sit down by themselves for 15 minutes in the morning with a beverage to chill.  They would actually display hostility at such an idea. It was much too selfish.  When they took that step, they were amazed at how many of their pressures lifted.

Everything stops Saturday mornings at 10 am to listen to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on NPR.  I will plan errands, trips to the farmer's market, around that block.

Local community radio does a block of ragtime/Americana music Sunday mornings, til noon.  Some coffee, some reflection, writing in the journal, a big breakfast, and the crossword happen in that block.  Sort of catching up with my thoughts before the work week begins.  

My evening "walk the farm" time. It isn't a farm, but it is to me. I get home from work in town and feed the critters, make sure they have water, go in to have some supper and spend time with my wife but when she settles in to watch tv, I'm ready to go back out and spend a little time observing, planning, soaking up the peace in the green space, see what new seedling has sprouted, what old limbs have come down, where I can chop and drop to help some sapling, etc.  Not actually doing much of it but seeing where things are as it all changes.

Bill Ramsey wrote:My evening "walk the farm" time. It isn't a farm, but it is to me. I get home from work in town and feed the critters, make sure they have water, go in to have some supper and spend time with my wife but when she settles in to watch tv, I'm ready to go back out and spend a little time observing, planning, soaking up the peace in the green space, see what new seedling has sprouted, what old limbs have come down, where I can chop and drop to help some sapling, etc.  Not actually doing much of it but seeing where things are as it all changes.

That sounds like it benefits you and your farm equally. Very nice.

The cat is nonnegotiable.  
If there is no cat with me it means I am between cats waiting for the right one to show up.  

Hi Dorothy,

I have to admit my life would be very empty without a Bombay.

I never, ever skip breakfast.

During cold weather, I always have a cup of cappuccino after breakfast.

At night after getting ready for bed, I settle in and play a few games online. I also do this if I'm feeling stressed and just need a few minutes to unwind.

Tom Worley wrote:Everything stops Saturday mornings at 10 am to listen to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on NPR.  I will plan errands, trips to the farmer's market, around that block.

Local community radio does a block of ragtime/Americana music Sunday mornings, til noon.  Some coffee, some reflection, writing in the journal, a big breakfast, and the crossword happen in that block.  Sort of catching up with my thoughts before the work week begins.  

I can relate. I grew up watching my mother's soap, As The World Turns. She had been watching it from the very first episode. During summer when school wasn't in session, we watched it together. As an adult, I continued watching it, taping it if I couldn't be home, and we enjoyed discussing the daily drama. It was nonnegotiable.

They decided to cancel the show. To this day, I'm heartbroken because my mother and I were going to get together in person to watch the final episode. She died before that could happen. It hurts me badly because we were very close and I miss her terribly, but it also cuts me because she also watched the soap for 50 years and didn't get to see the final episode.

I miss my mom.

M, I'm so very sorry about your mom. It sounds like you two had a beautiful relationship. I lost my mom last year and it has been rough. Your story is sweet and I hope you are able to find comfort in the good memories. Hugs!

My nonnegotiables:

Milking the goats. Feeding my sourdough. Having a cup of goat milk yoghurt with honey at some point during the day. Hugging and loving on my kids A LOT.

Our most constant ritual is nighttime: we all cuddle up on the couch and watch something on youtube, usually something funny but sometimes a mystery like Matlock or Columbo. Then the kids get put to bed, usually with an improvised story and always always with a cup of cold goat's milk. Then D and I go to bed and I rub his head and back until he falls asleep. Then my me-time, a couple of hours of reading (online or a book) or watching videos. Doesn't have to be educational, sometimes it's downright silly stuff, but it helps me unwind and process and I am not a good person the next day if I don't have my nighttime me-time. Usually end the evening with a home-rolled cigarette of horehound and mullein or some other combo of (legal!!) herbs to relax me enough to fall asleep.

Nonnegotiables is a great concept I think. I am a variety person all around, but I love those few constant habits that keep my orbit grounded and make me...me.

So many things I enjoy but could do without all of them except...
 Family gatherings.  Nearly every weekend my rather large family gets together.  
5 children and 5, very soon to be 6 grandchildren all with their significant others. Through corona, the black plague, hurricanes we get together.
 Usually just some oysters on the grill, smoke some ribs, a low country boil... even hot-dogs and cole-slaw with my progeny.
This one thing I could not live without. I decided a long time ago I would never amass a fortune so I went with a dynasty. Everything else in my life has little true meaning.

Joshua Rimmer wrote:I started to put down my non-negotiables, then I realized that they were mostly manifestations of PTSD. Time alone at the end of my day, and a firearm in easy reach always. The dogs and grandkids have begun to let me ease up on the firearm. Makes me wonder how many of our non-negotiables are the result of adaptation to stress?

Hearing you loud and clear Joshua.  Me and alone time is always a non-negotiable it is just a matter of the type of day, how urgent and how much.  PTSD, depression and anxiety are all significant contributors to the day, especially if it has been a bad night.
The morning has to be routine so the pills, coffee and breakky all work in order.
Wife's water for her pills.
My CBD gummy.
Two coffees, 350 ml capp with a heart motif for her and 600 ml flat for him.
Wait 20 minutes for her before breakfast pills to work.
Breakfast.
Maybe a second coffee 600 ml (1 Pint)
Then into the day

4PM feed the chooks Guineas and cats.

Morning coffee although it might go beyond the scope of the questions as everyone else in the house will avoid me until I’ve had a cup!

I loved reading through all the replies. I’m constantly reminded that no matter where we live, how we we’re raised, what our beliefs and culture are, we’re all surprisingly and reassuringly similar. We have way more common ground with other humans than the media want us to believe…