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How to meet girls. Things every young guy should know.  RSS feed

 
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I was waiting for a flight to Kenya, at the Frankfurt Airport, when two young Kenyan guys were both walking around looking for somewhere to plug in. But it turned out that neither had a suitable plug for the electricity available in Germany. I had brought a fully charged power bank with two charge ports.

 So,  I let them plug in and we chatted about many things. It turns out that the one young fellow was deathly afraid of striking up conversations with girls. He was short and rather funny looking. I asked if he had any tricks up his sleeve, and after talking for a few minutes, I believe he has no game whatsoever. None.

So, I asked the fellows why we were all sitting together. "Because we're chatting." Yes, but the availability of electricity brought us together.

 "Get yourself a power bank and girls will sit beside you at restaurants and bus stops, for half an hour or more. Beyond that, I can't help you."

The better looking fellow sprung to his feet and proclaimed, "You have changed my life. I'm getting a power bank."

Then I asked them to consider other simple ways that they could be of service, and meet girls in the process. I told them how I always used to carry a short extension cord with 5 outlets, when visiting coffee shops in Canada. It's hot in Kenya and people are often stuck waiting for transportation in difficult places. I asked them what would happen if they always had a little bag of fruit and some water with them. "We could share it", my pupil responded. Yes, you could, and not just with young girls. Old ladies have daughters and granddaughters. Offer your seat on the bus to the old lady, and the granddaughter with her will definitely notice. They looked at me like they were talking to Hugh Hefner. Such an amazing ideas.

I have no doubt but the young fellow who already had some game, has added some of this to his repertoire.

Does anyone else have ideas to help a fellow out. I've always found that sitting in a prominent place, looking handsome, can work. But what about those who need some help. Does anyone have some tips for them.
 
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One of the big lessons on dating I picked up from my mom (who's outlived two happy marriages) was to pay attention to how a man treated everyone else, not just that girl he has his eye on. I've never regretted any man I've dated.  I think that is spot on advice to extend a helpful attitude beyond the pretty girls.
 
Dale Hodgins
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I witnessed some really poor behavior from many of the young men in Kenya. Some would ride by on a bike or motorcycle and hoot at the girls or yell something inappropriate. That was meant to entertain male friends that were with them. I didn't see anybody do it when he was on his own. This was certainly not the norm, but it happened often enough that I realized it was definitely a thing. A guy might get away with that in Nairobi, but many of them lived in small towns, where he would develop a reputation as that kind of guy. The girls had derogatory names for them that far exceed the publishing standards of this site.

My driver, Caleb, was always a gentleman. When he witnessed this behavior he said, "he is never going to find a good wife."  He certainly won't find one who has seen him doing that.
 
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Casie Becker wrote:One of the big lessons on dating I picked up from my mom (who's outlived two happy marriages) was to pay attention to how a man treated everyone else, not just that girl he has his eye on. I've never regretted any man I've dated.  I think that is spot on advice to extend a helpful attitude beyond the pretty girls.



I agree that helpful behavior is an important attribute in a prospective date (or mate) but it is even more important that it be REAL and not simply an assumed behavior for the purpose of attracting someone. If it is only one of a bagful of "tricks", then it is worse than useless because it is not only false advertisement but potentially damaging to any future relationship. Anyone here aged enough to remember the Eddie Haskell character on the old "Leave It To Beaver" show will appreciate what a fake personality can do for (and against) everyone involved with that person.

My advice to anyone looking for a long-term relationship is to be yourself. If that includes being thoughtful, helpful and generally nice, so much the better. If it doesn't, maybe working on yourself for a while first might be the answer.
 
Dale Hodgins
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I am extremely outspoken. I found it's not a good idea to pretend that I'm not, because it's going to come out. This can make you friends and enemies. There are those who appreciate someone who has well-thought-out opinions, and there are those who decide that it's arrogance.

I've always had a simple rule that I will not buy alcohol for a woman. Dating sites are filled with women who would like you to take them out drinking. When it's clearly stated that you don't use the stuff and don't buy it for others, that only eliminates those who are not compatible, and at the same time sends a very positive message to like-minded women.
 
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Do things you love and do them well, and you will find yourself around people who you will enjoy being with and who appreciate you. If you have committed yourself to treating others well and giving more than you take, your presence will be seen as a positive by others if they are someone you want to be around.

I don't think my story is really something to for anyone copy. I met my wife while thru-hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, not exactly a place one would think to meet women (it seemed about 10% of the hikers were women in my year). If you like outdoorsy, tan, sveldt guys though, it's the place to be! But I think the underlying principle of doing something you love, doing it well, and helping others enjoy doing it too, will make you the most attractive version of yourself.

I have zero "game." I am very shy by nature and was terrified of girls growing up. I read "Our Bodies Ourselves" way too young (10), and this blew my mind. They could find their "goddess" by sitting down on a mirror and looking for it?!? Women were ineffably beautiful beings beyond my comprehension. I also think I rightly questioned what I, an adolescent boy, had to offer beyond a whole lot of pent up angst and energy.

It was amazing how things changed when I started doing something that felt like self-realization as a backcountry ranger/trailworker/restorationist. I was around women and people in general who I deeply respected, found beautiful in an aesthetic as well as Kantian sense, and who brought the best out of each other. This just naturally led to  more intimate relationships between everyone, platonic and otherwise. Also, while it's a B movie, The Tao of Steve did have a disturbingly accurate distillation of how to be more attractive: Be excellent, be desireless, and be gone. It worked for me, I don't think my wife would have gotten so hooked on the Ben stuff if I hadn't gotten about a hundred miles ahead shortly after we first met. It also helps to always be able to walk faster than her, so she can't get away
 
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A point regarding being helpful/friendly and more importantly being sincere: I've heard guys complain about being "friend zoned", and complaining about not getting to bed with someone they spent a lot of effort "being a gentleman to". If your real intent is dating a woman, many will see through it and discount it as a front. I would also argue that nobody gets friend zoned, instead these people "girlfriend zone" or "boyfriend zone" people they are attracted to, and try to read more into a friendship than is actually there.

It's rather tough when you're younger to just be yourself and find happiness first, and have that calm happiness radiate out to attract others. With social media and phones/apps dehumanizing our social life even more these days it's even tougher.
 
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Use a photo of a lamb...you think puppies are cute, lambs are ten times cuter.

When I set up my profile page on a dating site (Christian Mingle) I used a picture of me holding a newborn lamb. Katie later said it immediately caught her eye because it conveyed caring and cuteness. (We are celebrating 7 years of marriage next month!)


 
Travis Johnson
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Write more than one or two lines when writing back,

I make fun of myself for writing paragraphs on here, but the truth is, most guys will just see a photo of a woman they think is interesting and type out. "What is up?" Katie later said that I was the first guy that typed back a paragraph or two...I had lambs and was interesting and could share.
 
Travis Johnson
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Look outside your normal parameters.

The USDA actually matched me with Katie. This is how it worked out; my local USDA-NRCS Conservationist heard I got divorced and was going to set me up with her friend who was a Dr and who had sheep as a kid. Naturally I liked the sound of dating a Dr, so when she said she was going to New Hampshire for the weekend and would talk to her, I was happy. I kept thinking, this is perfect; new Hampshire is 4 hours away from Maine...just enough time to drop and and date her, but not be a daily kind of dating thing...PERFECT.

So when the conservationist came back, I told her this, and she was like, "oh no, she lives in Maryland, we just met at a friends house in new Hampshire for the weekend." At that I was thinking that was too far away, but when I was on Christian Mingle and did not see a good match I thought of my thoughts on New Hampshire, expanded it to New Hampshire and there was Katie.


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Travis Johnson wrote:Write more than one or two lines when writing back,

I make fun of myself for writing paragraphs on here, but the truth is, most guys will just see a photo of a woman they think is interesting and type out. "What is up?" Katie later said that I was the first guy that typed back a paragraph or two...I had lambs and was interesting and could share.



Yes, this!!

I have lost count of the dating profiles I have see that say "um I'm not very good at talking about myself, if you want to know anything just ask".  For crying out loud give me something to go on!
 
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Gee....what to say...I guess I am a good bad example, so I ought to stand up.

Not my proudest moment.

Like another author up there, I have no "Game." In fact, was unpopular with...well, out with it...just about everyone.

I have spent decades being jealous of people who get along with people, not just men who are good at attracting women (although they certainly are on that grudge list). I have an innate ability to arrive at the back door of life and be raked around by the security guards and go home with a black eye.

Most of my life, I've been able to really connect with about one human being (and I'm not talking men and women or sex here) once every couple of years. I have had a deep, sincere friendship with maybe three people my whole life. I think, I'm sure it's different for everyone, but for me, a romantic relationship *SHOULD* evolve out of a good friendship.

I look back at the five or six women (and three men) I have had intercourse with in my forty years, and must admit that they were almost entirely based on impulse. I did not follow the advice I am giving you now.

I don't remember who said it, but I remember hearing: there are people who knock on the door that you won't even open the door for. Then, there are people who knock on the door, and you will open the door but stand there to see what they have to say. Then there are people you will let in to the entryway, but no further. Then there are people you will let into your living room and drink coffee with. And there are still other people who are welcome all the way to your bedroom-- and it pays to know which is which.

But I have three children--so something must work.

My first marriage ended with me running away, because there was no affection--it had become a business. My second relationship, which produced my third child, is sick and weird, I'm sorry to say. We stay together out of obligation to the baby, while we have pretty much no affection for each other. It's not a romantic relationship in any way, and it would have obliterated three years ago if it weren't for the existence of our son.

She does not like farming, or land, or animals or plants, or being outside--not in any weather. I do not like consumerism, cell phones or television. But I did not have enough sense to make these decisions back then: I chose the sex. It was an easy choice.  While I regret the state of my relationship, and ever unsure if it will come crashing down today, or tomorrow, or what--I love my children so much.

I want to give them the best experience in life that I can--and that means sacrificing my own romantic love. In the end, I got much the same situation that I ran from in my first one. But I stay the course because it's the right thing to do.

Bill Mollison on family, cited the I-Ching (I don't know how: what I have read from it seems utterly vague, shapeless and malleable), "The family is society in embryo."

I am a product of divorced parents. I worry terribly that my first two children will surely follow my example, which I have identified for them as normal with my actions. I am trying not to let this be true for my baby son as well.

But you are young!

If I were twenty again and starting over, here is what I would say:

It is not necessary that you SHARE preferences or attributes (though it often helps), but it is absolutely imperative that you each can value and respect the other's thoughts, choices, and preferences. (BEFORE you jump in the sack.)

You don't have to be Shinto like your girlfriend, but it has to fasincate you that she is--enough to help her do this forever. If kneeling in front of the Shinto shrine gives you the creeps, then this is probably not for you. She doesn't have to kill the farm ducks to pay the mortgage like you do, but it has to fascinate her that you do--enough to help you do this forever. If she cannot imagine handling a dead animal, and shudders at the sight of animal poop on the ground, then this is probably not for her.

This is what those cheesy love song lyrics about "believing in each other" mean.

I'm sorry to be a downer, but this is what I have to give. It will probably not be a suitable tool for dragging hot chicks to bed.
 
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Michael Sohocki wrote:
But I have three children--so something must work.

My first marriage ended with me running away, because there was no affection--it had become a business. My second relationship, which produced my third child, is sick and weird, I'm sorry to say. We stay together out of obligation to the baby, while we have pretty much no affection for each other. It's not a romantic relationship in any way, and it would have obliterated three years ago if it weren't for the existence of our son.

She does not like farming, or land, or animals or plants, or being outside--not in any weather. I do not like consumerism, cell phones or television. But I did not have enough sense to make these decisions back then: I chose the sex. It was an easy choice.  While I regret the state of my relationship, and ever unsure if it will come crashing down today, or tomorrow, or what--I love my children so much.

I want to give them the best experience in life that I can--and that means sacrificing my own romantic love. In the end, I got much the same situation that I ran from in my first one. But I stay the course because it's the right thing to do.

I am a product of divorced parents. I worry terribly that my first two children will surely follow my example, which I have identified for them as normal with my actions. I am trying not to let this be true for my baby son as well.



I have to disagree with you - with love and sympathy.  I don't believe it is necessary, or a good example for kids, for two people to sacrifice their own happiness in order to preserve the institution of marriage as the only model of "family".  It is not an easy "opt-out" getting divorced, it is not "quitting" to leave a relationship which is toxic for all concerned.  I am divorced from the father of my two kids.  They see him regularly and could see him far more often as far as I'm concerned, if he had the time.  He and I made each other miserable.  Now we are civil and respectful to each other and both pursuing lives and principles which we believe in.  I believe this is a good example to set my kids.  Your kids can learn from your mistakes, if they are honestly portrayed as mistakes.
 
Dale Hodgins
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This has certainly gone off the rails. Divorces, children ...
Does anybody have any good pick-up lines.

Here's one. I used to carve wooden bowls on the beach and I used to manufacture driftwood furniture. A couple times when asked if I would be there the next day, I said that depends on how late me and you are out tonight. :-) I thought it was pretty smooth and it resulted in a few dates. I still had to do the work, but the fact that I was in a public space, doing something useful, with my shirt off, was a great ice-breaker. Men like to just sit and admire women. I think most women have to be talking about something or they feel uncomfortable doing that. :-)

Here's another. On several occasions, a nice lady has stopped to chat at my demolition sales and eventually it became evident that she was not there to buy anything. One lady asked what's the next step. She meant, what part of the building am I going to tear off next. My reply was, I suppose we should go out for dinner or something. If she's at all interested, a smooth transition like that can be very useful. Even if it turns out she's married with 11 kids, this sort of innocent flirt won't bother most ladies at all. Something for her to tell the other moms about.

I remember one time, when I was asked what the next step was, I said it's probably a little too soon for us to get married, so we should probably go on a date first. Boom !  I haven't told my girlfriend about this thread. Nothing wrong with a little innocent reminiscing.
 
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Travis Johnson
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Dale Hodgins wrote:This has certainly gone off the rails. Divorces, children ...
Does anybody have any good pick-up lines.



I think it did because otherwise the topic at hand is a little shallow, and most Permies that I know, actually have deep convictions on ethics, so they are anything but that.

I do not have any real good pick up lines because I have never been trying to pick any women up. I have heard of guys telling a woman they are pretty, but it seems for a woman that is more flattery than truth. I have always told my wife she "is beautiful". There is a huge difference between a woman that is pretty and one that is beautiful though. "Pretty" is on the outside, and "Beautiful" is on the inside.

I have no idea if Katie is pretty or not, to me she is, but I admit I am biased. If my eyes are clouded over and she is ugly as sin, do not tell me because...to me, she is beautiful.

Sadly they say 600 times a day my wife and (5) daughters (and every woman in the free world) is subjected to 600 images per day of what the world feels they should look like. Thankfully they say a husband and Father has a lot of influence upon a wife and daughters, and so I have made it my personal mission to make sure they feel beautiful despite what the world might say. It cannot be done with flattery and lines, it has to be genuine, but its worth doing. Their self-worth is at stake.

Me and Katie:

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When I was young and inexperienced I thought that having some pickup line or gimmic could work.  Eventually I found the method that worked best for me is to simply start an innocuous conversation. 

I eventually figured out that women are just people (people I tended to be intensely attracted too), who were sometimes attracted to me. 

The suggestion of having a charger is brilliant.  Some gals will probably plug in and try to avoid conversation, that's ok, some will be interested.

If your doing something that can legitimately be a cause for starting a conversation, an interested woman may well talk to you.  I used to play guitar or carve wood and found both attracted attention.

One of my brothers was a little socially inept.  I watched how girls treated him.  I didn't ask out grls that were unkind to him.   
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If you a a kind, reasonably intelligent person who is interested in things, you have a good chance at a good relationship.  Who you are is going to leak out anyway, be honest and upfront, but be your best self.  One reason I wanted to marry my wife wife was she brought out my best.  Every person has different sides of your personality and different people bring out different sides.

My sister used to bemoan her difficulty finding a decent guy.  I'ld ask her where she was meeting guys, it was always pick up bars.  If you fish in a lake full of carp, don't gripe if you catch carp.  (Incidentally, I like carp, if the waters clean).

Like the gentleman who met his wife on the coastal trail, do your thing and the people you meet are more likely to be compatible.

Looks matter less as time goes on (thank heavens, because time has beat me up pretty badly), as you learn to know the person more, you see the inside more and the outside less.  You should like what you see, but be reasonable, even the movie stars only look like they do with lots of talented help and some creative photography.  Better to have a beat up old car that runs than shiny Mercedes with no engine.

I've been off the market for decades, but as far as the internet dating sites, be honest and upfront.  You may not get as much action, but you won't want most of those anyway.

I had a brother and son who went that route and they both  had some hillarious and horrific stories before he met his current wife (local, chance meeting).  I know it works for many, but you can't get personal chemistry.
 
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