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How to meet girls. Things every young guy should know.  RSS feed

 
Posts: 100
Location: Sudbury ON, Canada
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"Be there, Be awesome, Be gone." the Tao of Steve, incidentally an awesome movie.
 
pollinator
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Timothy Markus wrote:My friend emailed me a scan of some cards we printed up and handed out at Oktoberfest 25 years ago.  We made 8  or 10 different ones and handed them out all night long.  We really didn't expect any actual dates from it, rather we just did it to amuse ourselves.  We had girls coming up to us all night long, having searched the whole arena for us to meet us or collect the set.  It was a fantastic way to start a conversation.  At the bottom there's a pic of 3 that another friend came across recently.

I'll also put myself out there and give you a link to my OKCupid profile, though you have to have an account to see it.  As has been suggested, I fleshed it out quite a bit.  Many women have commented that most men don't write much.  

OK Cupid profile

I get a lot of responses; too many really.  I had hoped that I'd weed out a lot of women by showing them a little of my crazy, but I get a lot of messages from women who don't seem to have much in common with me.  I have a hard time telling women thanks but no thanks, and it seems the proper internet etiquette is to just ignore those you're not interested in, so I find that aspect of internet dating awkward.

For those without an account, here's the text:

My self-summary

I believe in equality and respect and that there are fundamental rights for human beings, regardless of...

I'm an engineer, in terms of both education and proclivity, with all the good and bad that encompasses. I love learning and can't imagine ever stopping, and I do geek out at times. While I would struggle to pass Kindergarten art, I do appreciate it.

In the spirit of learning, I'm always trying to be a better person. There are some things that don't come easy and I think I'll always have to work on them, but I'm fine with that. I don't think you can ever change someone else and I think it's wrong to try. If they aren't right for you just as they are, you're both better off moving on. I'm not looking for someone to complete me, rather someone who complements me.

I've been an atheist since I was a kid, but I'm thinking of taking up Odinism because eternity is an awfully long time and Valhalla sounds like the most fun you can have in the afterlife.

I may not be ridiculously good looking, but I'm good at looking ridiculous.

I'm 5'6" and have dated women under 5' and over 6', but if that doesn't work for you, no worries.

I loves me some babies, human or otherwise, and I love kids. Turns out I'm the crazy uncle.

I try to stay positive; I don't always manage it, but I think I always bounce back. The one exception is my hair. I'm having a bad hair life.

I think everyone has an incredible talent and that the biggest tragedy is never discovering what it is.

What I'm doing with my life

Learning something new every day.

TALENT
I'm really good at

Being myself and not apologizing for it

Being a dad

Cooking

Renos

Cheese trays, gift boxes, and gift wrapping

Doing the right thing even when nobody would know otherwise

Creative facial hair sculpting

Laughing out loud in public when something strikes me as funny

Sentence fragments

Not taking myself too seriously

Not judging people

I'm also incredibly strong. I can bench-press 1500 lbs, but I don't do it very often as it takes a long time to do 100 reps and the other guys at the gym get mad.


Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food


I think my favourite book is Good Omens, but second place is probably a hundred-way tie. I read a lot, both fiction and non-fiction, with the emphasis lately on the latter. I probably read a couple of books a week.

I haven't had cable for a very long time, but I do have Netflix; I'm not a Luddite. I can, and do, get sucked in at times, and it's nice to veg out occasionally, but it's not the best use of my time. That could change with the right viewing partner.

I like all six types of music: rhythm & blues, country & western, and hip & hop. Good music spans the spectrum, bad music is whatever I play.

I'm a big fan of food, sustainably grown/raised for preference. Being half Dutch, half British, I have a deep appreciation for the culinary skills of pretty much every other ethnicity. My personal belief is that the eras of British and Dutch colonialism were brought about, not because of the pursuit of imperialism or commerce, but simply to find something palatable to eat. I would love to take some classes in Thai, Moroccan, and Indian cuisine. If you're Thai, Moroccan, or Indian, we should talk.

Six things I could never do without


Tea, in most of it's forms.

Possibly 5 gallon buckets.

I'm not sure what else. I think if I had an adequate supply of tea and buckets, I could improvise anything else I need. If you're looking for gift ideas for me, I'd suggest a 5 gallon bucket full of tea.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

How to solve a problem like Maria.

Cows, pigs, chickens, and shit

Sustainability

Bees and the stupidity of humankind. While I haven't conducted any scientific studies, anecdotally I think it's apparent that intelligence varies inversely with the number of people gathered.

Fermentation

On a typical Friday night I am

Surprised it's Friday.

DATING
You should message me if

If you think my crazy and your crazy have a chance. We're all nuts in our own way and, looking back, I think my best relationships were the ones where her 'annoying' habits were endearing to me. I'd love to find someone who thinks the things about me that drive most people nuts are a positive. I told you I'm an optimist. I'm also looking for someone for whom honesty is important. We're all adults here and if you can't be honest with your partner, you really don't have a partner.

I'm not a patient man, so I would much rather meet for coffee (tea) than email endlessly.

That said, please don't bother if you're racist or homophobic; I really don't want to know you.EDIT




😂 So I'm reading the text on your profile and thinking "hmm this sounds familiar" and realized I'd seen your profile on there! But you're too far away anyway. ANyway, small world.
 
pollinator
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I agree.  Timothy, that's a great profile.  The Maria problem and the 5-gallon bucket of tea was especially amusing.
 
master steward
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It appears that Timothy needs to move to the other end of the continent and down into the states, LOL! You've already got two compliments from single ladies over here (Not counting myself. I'm happily and monogamously married, but your bio did make me laugh!)
 
Bethany Dutch
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Nicole Alderman wrote:It appears that Timothy needs to move to the other end of the continent and down into the states, LOL! You've already got two compliments from single ladies over here (Not counting myself. I'm happily and monogamously married, but your bio did make me laugh!)



Yeah I concur, it was a great bio. I actually prefer the longer more detailed ones. Because let's face it, time is limited and I don't want to spend a lot of time going out on dates only to find that we're incompatible on some level that could have been avoided by a more detailed bio.

Which leads me to my next point - if you've got a singles profile that says something to the effect of "If you want to know, just ask!" - DON'T. 90% of the time women are not going to bother asking. I mean, I'm not gonna go message every guy on there and be like "hey perchance are you interested in homesteading and sustainable living?" Nope.

Put yourself out there. Write up a profile. Get help writing it if you're having a hard time talking about yourself. But having a semi-blank profile makes you seem boring and unoriginal... and if you're looking for hookups that's fine but if you're looking for something a little deeper, you'll want to put out the right bait so you can attract the right woman.
 
gardener
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I really like Timothy's profile. It's nothing like mine.

I think when it's being done online, it's important to put a lot of information. I think I put more than Timothy did.

It's important to be brutally honest both in your profile and with yourself, when it comes to what you really want. I stated exactly what type of woman I was interested in and I put in several things that would be disqualifiers.

Because the numbers are so great, when you're online, you can be really picky. If any nice girl came and sat down beside me in the coffee shop and started talking, I would talk to her whether she's 8 or 80. But online, especially on the foreign sites, there are so many interactions that I found it necessary to constantly make snap decisions to not pursue somebody. And it's so easy because it's just done with the click. Too fat, click funny face, click, kids, click tattoo,  extreme religiosity ,too old, too young, sounds angry, almost blank profile, and the list goes on. Click and they are gone. And I'm sure that many of them are very good and decent people, but that's the nature of the situation when the numbers are so high.

I have a few rules for myself that I haven't put it in my profile. I pretty much decided on a maximum age of 30 and a maximum weight of 130 lb. I'm 54. I'm doing this because I can and I'm being honest with myself about what I would like to have.

My mother and my ex-wife and my daughters and almost every other female who I know, has a problem with what I'm up to. My mother called to talk about it . So, the other day, I asked my mother, how long do you think it's been since I cared what you thought? After careful consideration, she finally decided it was about 45 years and she was right. Even my daughter's, I have told them that I love and respect them, but what I choose to do in this area is none of their business. My older daughter questioned me specifically on my criteria. I told her that deep down, many men would prefer an attractive young woman. And because I'm not attached and I haven't destroyed my body or my finances, I'm in a perfect position to seek exactly what I want. No amount of explanation will make them happy with it. And my seeking a new relationship was not designed to make them happy.

If all goes well with the woman that I'm currently involved with, I'm sure that a few heads will turn as we are walking down the street. People will wonder what that 20-something woman is doing with that 40 year old man. Again, I'm 54. And they can wonder, and they can chat amongst themselves and they can snicker.

I wish when I was a teenager, that I had reached the point where I am at today, in just how little stock I put in the opinions of those who want to judge my personal choices.

I've had people tell me that I'm some sort of sociopath, if I don't want to listen to their nattering. But I'm not doing anyone any harm, especially these women that I've met online. I haven't made promises to anyone, except the one that I am going to see, in the Philippines. I'm not seeking a woman who is starving somewhere in a grass hut. I'll leave them for the 80 year old guys who are broke. I've chosen this route because I think I can do better. Part of the reason is that these sites are populated by thousands of men, who don't ever intend to carry through. My profile is quite specific on how quickly I intend to act, once I find someone who is worth pursuing. I also made it clear that I was not looking for a foreign girlfriend, sugar daddy sort of situation. Many of the married guys are just looking for somewhere to vacation and a playmate when they get there.

My profile has now been covered up with a picture, stating that I am currently attached. I let her make the sign, since she was quite eager to announce my change in status. I think it's pretty obvious that this sign was made by a woman. Her way of marking territory. I provided the script. She had planned on just saying Dale is no longer available, but she jumped at the chance to go for this more extreme announcement. :-)

I expect to report on this by the end of the year. There's a good chance that I will spend some of the worst winter months in the Philippines, creating a food forest and some sort of tourist destination. There's a little village with 15 house full of relatives, down near that river, in my second photograph. If all works out, I will be the only provider of employment in that little town that contains her relatives.
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Dale Hodgins
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The situation with my female relatives is not ideal. I suspect that if I where to make a definite plan to get married after spending a month in the Philippines, they would immediately search for the woman I'm interested in, on Facebook and everywhere else, in an attempt to discredit her in some way. Failing that,, because she's squeaky clean, they might try to discredit me in her eyes. Because of this, it's quite likely that if I do get married, I will make the announcement, but I won't even tell them her name or her age or any other thing that could help them in their search.

Some of you may be aware that I went to Kenya, because of a woman. That did not end well, but only because she is extremely controlling and distrustful, not for any of the litany of horrible reasons that my daughters and ex-wife and others came up with. They had made her out to be a prostitute, a thief and many other negative things that just were not true. Every single thing about her checked out, when I was there. She had the job that she described and the family that she described and every other thing matched. We just couldn't be a couple because I must be master of my own destiny and she must have absolute control, because men are children in her eyes.

I've found that it's generally the men who are telling a bunch of lies, in The Dating Game. So I constructed my profile with complete honesty in mind. The majority in the Philippines are Catholic and I openly announced that I put no stock in anything the church has ever said or done. This trims the field a little bit.... One surprising result, is that I learned that there are many who don't really adhere to much of that, they just go along. I was really surprised to find that there are some young Muslim women in that category, who live on the southern islands. They could be tarred and feathered for talking to me.

Obviously, I wasn't going to try to marry all of these girls and women, but I did offer advice on how to escape several situations that we just don't find here. Some work as a sort of indentured servant, so that they can continue with their education, and some are basically prisoners of their own families. In all cases, I said if they do intend to run, do not tell anyone, not even their closest confidant. Pack important papers and head as far north as possible and immediately contact some authority, was my advice. Then get rid of all things that identify, including any regional accent. I didn't expect those sorts of interactions. I promise the woman that I'm involved with, that I will not contact any of those women again. She's convinced that one of them would lure me away.
.....
So, because of how the girls behaved toward my african friend, and the negative way they have talked about my current situation, I could very well end up married, without them knowing anything about the person I've married, not even her name. And I'm okay with that. The woman in the Philippines keep saying what if your daughters don't allow you to do this and what if your family doesn't allow this or that. She has never met anyone who puts so little stock in the opinions of others. Every one of her friends and relatives has weighed in on what should be done with me, and I have somehow passed the test.

If I do end up married, we will live together in Canada for a few months and then I will invite just about everyone in my family to a wedding in Canada. And I'm absolutely confident that my daughters will show up at that wedding and they'll be fine with it, after they get to know her. And those are the only two people that I really want to be fine with it. My ex-wife has mentioned, that if this should happen, perhaps she could be friends with her. Absolutely not. I don't want to inject poison into the situation!😂😂😂
 
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So I'm going to be a little bit mean here, and I hope that no one takes it the wrong way, but as a 24 year old women who might be the kind of person targeted by men using this thread for advice I feel that I have to add in some of my own input. That is, don't listen to Dale. I'm not making any aspersions on his character as I don't know him, and those that do say he's a good person. But while he had a few good things to say about dating, and most of them were quoted by others on the thread, the rest are better off left where they are. I don't know if this is a generational thing, or regional, but it was more than just the tone of his writing that was off putting.

To be fair, I don't know what he said in the last 2.5 pages of this thread, so I can't comment on that. But the reason I skipped his posts was because reading them was making me uncomfortable by proxy. As a message to any young men who are hoping to find advice on this thread, just, don't emulate him. Please, we see enough of this kind of attitude and we don't need any more of it.

If you're looking for a relationship and not just sex, the best piece of advice I can give you is to be their friend. Don't get put off by "friendzoning", look up the differences between how men and women treat their friendships so there aren't any misunderstandings, and make sure that whoever you're interested in knows that you're open to a relationship if they want that. DO NOT, make the mistake of trying to pressure them into something, or react negatively if they don't want that. If you like them well enough for a relationship, you want to stay friends with them even if they don't want to have sex with you. (Or you should.) That kind of acceptance is so incredibly attractive in the society we have today. Odds are, she'll try to set you up with someone else she knows, plus you get to keep the friend.

The main red flag I saw when reading this thread - mostly from some of the anecdotes people were sharing - and the only reason I was actually motivated enough to actually reply, is this:

Do not hit on people who are at work! Especially customer service. I don't care if they're gorgeous or if they flirt with you every time you come in, don't do it. You don't know this person, or how they behave when they're flirting, for all you know their behavior is just what they're like when they're being friendly. Maybe they're short of money that month and know that flirting gets them better tips, or their boss is a creep who wants that kind of customer service. And when you hit on them in that space, you're doing it from a position of power where they might not feel safe turning you down. They don't know how you'll react if they tell you they're uncomfortable. Making you angry could possible cost them a job. This makes me so angry when I see it because it's such a massive imbalance of power. Even if you do end up going out, getting married for twenty years, and have three kids, it doesn't change the fact that the relationship was built on a foundation where one person could have caused a great deal of harm to the other if they didn't get their way.

And even if you aren't that person to take advantage like that, we don't know that. Every man that hits on us while we're at work, who knows where we spend a great deal of our time, is a potential predator. This kind of behavior is inherently threatening, no matter how you present yourself.

That said, if you absolutely have to ask this person out, leave it open ended. Tell them about some event you're going to, something that tells them about you, and invite them there. Make sure it's public, so she's not isolated with you, and can bring some friends if she feels unsafe. If she's interested, she'll show up and maybe ask for more details so she can find you. If she's not interested, she doesn't have to tell you flat out. To that end, don't ask for an answer about whether she'll go or not. Put yourself out there and wait for her to meet you in the middle.

Well, that's enough for my rant for now. I hope no one takes it badly, or thinks that I believe that what they're doing is wrong (except the hitting on people at work thing), since apparently it works for them. But that as a young woman, I don't find a lot of this behavior attractive, and neither does anyone I know. The best advice in this thread came from the actual women in it, so it'd be best to pay them the most attention if you're looking for help in this area. (Plus the guy who was talking about dancing. You can learn a lot about someone just from the way he leads in a dance, not just what he talks about.)
 
Dale Hodgins
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So you have no specifics. Come on, there must be something. I'm sure I could find several things that I might have worded differently.

I probably should have made the title a little different. I started out talking about those two fellows in Kenya who had no game, but then I've got into quite a bit about my personal situation. If I were making a thread specific to my own personal situation, I guess my head would be--

---- How to meet women that you are interested in, with the aim of putting up with much less shit than you ever have before.----- That is my goal. There is so much stuff that I have put up with in the past, that I have decided I won't deal with again. And since I've never had any trouble meeting women, it's just about refining the selection process.

Here's my thing, I don't care if I offend the vast majority of people that I'm not interested in, if during that process I find someone totally suitable. And I mean offend them here because they don't like what I'm saying. I don't do anything to offend those that I meet in my travels either around Victoria or the world. My approach in person is much different than my online approach. In person, I'm just chatty and if there are no buying signals, I don't pursue the situation. And I've learned to recognize the buying signals.

I think the vast majority, probably better than 95% of women who might be suitable to me in age, weight, intelligence or whatever, might still be unsuited, simply because they find me repugnant. So it looks like I'm not casting my net into a dating pool 4 billion strong. There may only be a hundred million potential mates out there. Thus, the wide net.
 
pollinator
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Here's my two cents. The best "pick-up line" I can think of is starting a conversation about her worldview and saying "I understand". But only if you really do. If you don't, say: "I don't understand: can you explain [whatever you didn't understand] some more? I really want to understand what you meant." Keep the conversation going, ask more questions, until you can honestly say "I understand". Then repeat in your own words what you understood and add your own opinions as well. You don't have to agree with her on everything. In fact, I think it's better that you don't agree with everything. Let her know that you have your own opinions as well and are not afraid to say them. Just make sure you hear, understand and respect what she is saying while disagreeing on some things.

The worst thing in my humble opinion is looking like you think too highly of yourself or your looks. Be modest, do not show off your looks or muscles or anything like that. Do take a shower and wear clean clothes. That's about it looks-wise.

What I used to look for in a guy when I was single was a soulmate. A soulmate is someone with whom you have shared values, mutual understanding and respect, and who also challenges you. Romance and spark are sure to follow, if these things match. Maybe not instantly but they will.

However, if you're just looking for a one night stand then I think go ahead and put "hot" pictures of yourself on the internet. You will attract the women who are interested in that sort of thing: a win-win scenario. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

But please do not pretend to be someone's soulmate if you're really just looking for fun. I give these tips because I trust that the young men on this forum are good honest guys.

Disclaimer: I'm a Finn and modesty is might very well be the greatest virtue here. My advice may not be universally applicable
 
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I seem to be the only person in this thread that this thread is actually targeted towards (I'm in college). I thought that this thread would be here, but I searched for "girlfriend," so I didn't find it. I just stumbled across it randomly.

Dale, you've got some good advice, but you aren't reaching the right demographic. If you care, I would suggest making a youtube channel and posting weekly videos of yourself saying the sorts of things in the posts you are making if you want young people to listen to you. They don't have to be scripted or edited, but it would really help to title them so the audience can find them. You've got no competition. Just search "how to get a girlfriend" and have a laugh.

Also, it's important to know that people do appreciate what you're saying and doing. Just remember the number of people that contacted you on that dating app. The only people that seem to be criticizing you are people that don't seem to be getting attention themselves. They have a right to be unhappy, but no right to project their problems onto others.

I like your idea of making jokes to introduce yourself and get a feel for the other person because it gets around issues to do with not trusting strangers or either person being nervous.

As far as making them uncomfortable goes, I hear girls tend to like it when you are honest and straightforward, but don't like it when you disagree with them. I feel like that should make things easy.

Before I went to college, I worked as a subcontractor for the government. After being involved with the government for so long, It's going to be hard for me to figure out how to be honest again.

I like the way you tell stories rather than giving a list of steps because it tells you how to act like a person.

I feel like after I have a rough idea of who the person is, I want to ask specific questions.

If I decide that I like the person, and they still want to follow me around, talking, then what?
 
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