You can see with only one eye open, but you'll probably run into things and stub your toe. The big picture matters.
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Sarah Koster wrote:I get that girls with long dark hair and huge boobs are hot.
Dale Hodgins wrote:It could be that the boobs had nothing to do with it. If you have really small boobs, most people are going to have bigger ones, including whoever your ex goes out with next.
You can see with only one eye open, but you'll probably run into things and stub your toe. The big picture matters.
Just me and my kids, off griddin' it - follow along our shenanigans at our YouTube Uncle Dutch Farms.
You can see with only one eye open, but you'll probably run into things and stub your toe. The big picture matters.
Rufus Laggren wrote:Totally, w/out question, you did right. It's really good to hear of somebody with the strength, guts and luck to charge forward through all their troubles onto the good path.
Bethany Dutch wrote:
This is why we often end up with the same type of person. Not because we are intentionally looking for the same type of person, but because we tend to behave the same way in a relationship unless we really, really work hard at changing any unhealthy patterns within our own behavior. it always red flags me when I see guys who say "recently divorced looking to get out there" because that tells me they haven't dealt with their baggage.
“The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”― Albert Einstein
Burra Maluca wrote: In retrospect, I'm tempted to say I should have thrown him out earlier, but I'm not actually certain. For my own long-term peace of mind, sticking it out until I had no choice left me entirely free of any feelings of guilt or failure, which ultimately probably helped and strengthened me and gave me huge life lessons.
You can see with only one eye open, but you'll probably run into things and stub your toe. The big picture matters.
Bethany Dutch wrote:
Burra Maluca wrote: In retrospect, I'm tempted to say I should have thrown him out earlier, but I'm not actually certain. For my own long-term peace of mind, sticking it out until I had no choice left me entirely free of any feelings of guilt or failure, which ultimately probably helped and strengthened me and gave me huge life lessons.
This is also a huge part of why, I think, I stayed as long as I did. I am VERY committed to the idea that marriage should be forever and I think it took me ten years to get to the point where I knew, deep down inside, that I had already left no stone unturned and had done everything I possibly could to save the marriage and it was beyond saving. Huge life lessons, indeed.
Bethany Dutch wrote: I am VERY committed to the idea that marriage should be forever
Burra Maluca wrote:
Bethany Dutch wrote: I am VERY committed to the idea that marriage should be forever
Maybe this is something else that needs to be discussed here. I suspect that the old vows about 'til death us do part' might actually be a better thing than the idea that marriage is forever. My second husband made it very clear to me that he considered that true love meant that you'd want your partner to find love again after you'd gone. Which left me totally free to seek it out without any little niggles about 'would he want this?' or 'am I being disloyal?'.
To me, the commitment to each other is until one or other partner dies, only. The love lasts forever, and any new partner will have to accept that. But the commitment ends.
Sonja Draven wrote:
Bethany Dutch wrote:
Burra Maluca wrote: In retrospect, I'm tempted to say I should have thrown him out earlier, but I'm not actually certain. For my own long-term peace of mind, sticking it out until I had no choice left me entirely free of any feelings of guilt or failure, which ultimately probably helped and strengthened me and gave me huge life lessons.
This is also a huge part of why, I think, I stayed as long as I did. I am VERY committed to the idea that marriage should be forever and I think it took me ten years to get to the point where I knew, deep down inside, that I had already left no stone unturned and had done everything I possibly could to save the marriage and it was beyond saving. Huge life lessons, indeed.
This was my situation too. Which is why it's so annoying when people are so judgey about others getting a divorce and spout off about the vows people make when married, you need to work harder at it, etc.
The wishbone never could replace the backbone.
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Bethany Dutch wrote:
I suspect a lot of the "increased divorce rates" people lament about isn't so much because marriages are worse (and somehow modern society treats people as "disposable"), but because we live in a society where it isn't frowned upon anymore. So all those marriages back in the past that people put on a pedestal... well, I'm betting a ton of them were unhealthy and unhappy but people didn't get a divorce because of a greater stigma back then. Plus, what woman would get a divorce when it would be just about impossible for her to make a living and support her family due to the current cultural climate?
That's just my theory though.
Lucrecia Anderson wrote:
Bethany Dutch wrote:
I suspect a lot of the "increased divorce rates" people lament about isn't so much because marriages are worse (and somehow modern society treats people as "disposable"), but because we live in a society where it isn't frowned upon anymore. So all those marriages back in the past that people put on a pedestal... well, I'm betting a ton of them were unhealthy and unhappy but people didn't get a divorce because of a greater stigma back then. Plus, what woman would get a divorce when it would be just about impossible for her to make a living and support her family due to the current cultural climate?
That's just my theory though.
I think there were a lot of different factors including different expectations and lifestyles. Marriage was often a contract to start a family, and if you have a bunch of kids then often the kids become your primary relationship and the marriage is secondary. Also historically most families lived agricultural lifestyles that often involved a lot of gender segregation especially in extended families, even social events involved gender segregation (husbands and wives were never seated next to each other during formal dinner parties, men went to the smoking room or hung out together outside, the women gathered in the kitchen to chat etc...)
That separation helped take the pressure off of less than ideal marriages plus with larger extended families people would develop close emotional ties with others in their family unit instead of relying on their spouse. Now days people expect a lot more from a spouse, the spouse is supposed to be a great lover, best friend, primary emotional support etc.... and if people aren't getting that they think it means they need a new partner. Back in the day the reasons for divorce were often limited to insanity, physical abuse, adultery or alcoholism (big reasons, simply "not being fulfilled emotionally" wasn't grounds for divorce it was likely just considered normal).
Pearl Sutton wrote: For me it often gets back to a quote I have said in these threads before:
The hardest thing to forgive someone for is the very quality that made you fall in love with them.
I have fallen for men who are such clever geeks, and dumped them when they wouldn't get their nose out of a computer to help with the world. I have been the lady he was attracted to because I'm so unusual, then the one dumped because I just don't act normal. I had a man who had stories to tell, then we split because he wouldn't talk to me, like dialog back and forth, he'd just tell stories, that didn't relate to anything we needed to discuss, it ended up being a wall of non-communication, an interesting avoidance device.
What attracts you, you'll have to forgive. Look at a potential mate, and say "can I forgive them for this trait that I love?" Figure out how you could hate that trait, and can you forgive it? Because you probably will have to. Love it that she's beautiful? What happens when she gets older? Love him for having clever hands and fixing everything? What about when he won't call a plumber, and you have had no kitchen sink for a month, and he swears he'll get to it?
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You can see with only one eye open, but you'll probably run into things and stub your toe. The big picture matters.
Sarah Koster wrote:
Anyway I used to find jealousy endearing, but now I find it downright frightening because I know it's a form of hostility and can lead to abuse.
Lucrecia Anderson wrote:
Sarah Koster wrote:
Anyway I used to find jealousy endearing, but now I find it downright frightening because I know it's a form of hostility and can lead to abuse.
I would say beware of conflict in whatever form it takes. A whole lot of people need conflict in a relationship whether that takes the form of jealousy or arguments over stupid things or casual "funny degrading" insults. That is normal/natural/satisfying and required for many. Without it the relationship isn't satisfying or complete.
In my home I aim for 90% of everything I say to be positive. I love those I live with and want to show it every day.
Conflict/crazy CAN really amp up the sex...and that is okay just own that fact....don't go along happily and claim "victim status" later.
You can see with only one eye open, but you'll probably run into things and stub your toe. The big picture matters.
Sarah Koster wrote:Relationship 1: 2007-2008; We wanted different things in life. He left me for a girl with bigger boobs.
Relationship 2: 2010-2014; We wanted different things in life. He told me the truth after pretending to want to be with me for 3 years. I left.
Relationship 3: 2017; I was psychotic, and he was manipulating to get me to buy him weed. He left me for a girl with bigger boobs. Twice.
Relationship 4: 2018; We wanted different things in life. He punched me in the face and broke my jaw. I left. He texted me a hundred times saying If he couldn't have me, no one would. He's in jail now.
As you can see, all of these relationships had stupid foundations and were bad. Don't do what I did.
I get that girls with long dark hair and huge boobs are hot. Really. It's just... if that's your thing, don't go out with flat-chested curly-headed frumpy blondes. It's not fair. Damn you, Xena Warrior Princess. I'll never be that kind of woman.
MB
"Be the change you want to see" - Peace-Out.
Bethany Dutch wrote:
Burra Maluca wrote: In retrospect, I'm tempted to say I should have thrown him out earlier, but I'm not actually certain. For my own long-term peace of mind, sticking it out until I had no choice left me entirely free of any feelings of guilt or failure, which ultimately probably helped and strengthened me and gave me huge life lessons.
This is also a huge part of why, I think, I stayed as long as I did. I am VERY committed to the idea that marriage should be forever and I think it took me ten years to get to the point where I knew, deep down inside, that I had already left no stone unturned and had done everything I possibly could to save the marriage and it was beyond saving. Huge life lessons, indeed.
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