How did your relationship begin? Where did you find them? How did you get it started?

This Thread is for talking about how a new relationship began.

Give us the details of how you found the other person and how it came about that you became a couple.

If you're still with that person, you could rant a little bit about how great they are.

If you're not or you desperately want to get rid of them, we have a different thread for talking about what went wrong. You can say all the things that are wrong and then tell them to give it a look. That ought to do it. :-)

https://permies.com/forums/list

I'm going to let someone else start this one.

We met on Yahoo Messenger. I was going to CSU and him UW. Rivals! We were on Christmas break and we were the only 2 people in Wyoming awake and online at 3am. First date was on Christmas day. Got married 5 months later. 14 years, 2 kids and a million animals later I can say it was the best decision of my life, even if some moments haven't felt quite so amazing. ;)

Just got out of the service and started college.  The first time I saw her it was like a hammer.  I thought she was beautiful and way out of my league,  she actually took my breath away.  I know sounds cheesy. It took me a week to get up the courage to ask her out.  We are coming up on our 24th anniversary.  We have two kids.  

I've been reading the comments on finding a guy or a gal and I haven't commented.  I'm not sure what to say.  If both people are giving 100% you can work through the B.S.  That's so cliche though.  We are both perseverant as hell, and stubborn, that's part of it.     Both

of our parents were married 50+ years, maybe that helped. I'm not sure.   There are always good people out there I'm sure of that.  I dated some nut jobs when I was younger.  I dated some nice girls that I had nothing in common with.  You just have to keep at it.  Don't give up.  Marriage isn't easy that's for sure.  You go

through evolutions. The longer you stick with it the more that person becomes part of you.  I always thought it was weird that my grandparents would finish each other's sentences.   I get it now.  You get on the same wavelength almost like you can read their mind.  You find that you are thinking the same thing at the same time.

I think that the connections we talk about between flora and fauna are just as applicable to humans.  Hell, maybe I just got lucky.

It's not all lollipops and rainbows but it's worth it.

We started off with two really good ones.

I'm going to give you two. One which unfortunately ended due to severe cultural differences. And the other which is ongoing.

I was innocently going through pictures of women on Tinder, not thinking that I was going to find anything serious. After running out of women in my age category, I slid the bar down and matched with a young woman who I thought was in Vancouver, not far away. She was in Kenya. She didn't hide that fact, I just didn't know that you could place yourself anywhere in the world on Tinder. She is the only person that I met on Tinder , that I would have ever considered as marriage material.  I'm sure there were lots more, but I wasn't meeting them . She has relatives in Canada and a best friend who lives 15 miles from me. So, we chatted about a million things and eventually I went to Kenya. It turns out that we are better online friends than we are in person, due to extreme control issues on her part. The women run everything in her tribe and I was expected to do whatever she said. After numerous warnings, I ended it. It's unfortunate a beautiful person who has many admirable qualities. But she just couldn't allow anything to be a two-person decision. Sorry to dump on you, but the beginning and end of this were only 10 months apart. I dusted myself off and decided to try again. She has not bounce back very well at all.

My next relationship also began online, but this time I planned it. So I wasn't dealing with a pool of one. This time,  l wrote out a really good profile that was very accurate in describing myself and my hopes and dreams. I got lots of messages and was made the favorite of many, and I sent interest messages to probably 75 different women. It was a daunting task, because of the numbers. Eventually, I narrowed it down to one that I really like. I hid my profile, to show her that I was serious. She got rid of all of her other matches on day 2 of our interaction. So, a good start. I am completely confident that she's not still shopping, but she has had doubts, just because so many foreign men abuse women in her position. But other than that it's looking pretty good. She comes from an intact family and really loves both of her parents and her siblings of which there are seven. I didn't realize how important this was, until dating the woman from Kenya and realizing that so much of her control issues have to do with having a father that was deep down no good.

The family has to approve of me, so I will be on my best behavior when I go for a visit. But I haven't been sugar coating everything with her. I've been completely honest about my atheism. She's Catholic but doesn't believe any sort of literal version of biblical events. Perfect. I don't think they're going to be the same cultural clash, in this relationship. There are no red flags, so far as I can tell. With the Kenyan woman there were red flags, which I was willing to overlook, to a point.

My girlfriend in the Philippines isn't assertive enough. She expects that I will make almost every decision, which might be true in the beginning, but I would want it to be more even as time goes on. We've had some problems in maintaining data connection, because she refuses to allow me to pay the small amount that it would take to improve it. So several times we've gone days without contact. I'm really pushing towards having full-time contact as the date approaches when I'd like to travel.

So I guess that's it for me, no stories of long-term bliss just yet.

At school I hung out with two lads, one dark haired and one red haired, in a very Harry Potter-esque manner.  Unlike in the books though, I eventually fell in love and married the dark haired one.  After 13 years, most of which were blissful (check out other thread...), we parted ways.

I found myself left with a baby, and a red pick-up I couldn't drive so I tried to sell it to my boss.  He sent one of his drivers round to collect it.  I offered him a cup of coffee and he sat on my doorstep and correctly identified all the seedlings coming up in my garden, which I'd just sown with various packets of mixed wild-flower seeds.  I was impressed! We ended up driving around all over the place in the pick-up checking out all the wild-flowers everywhere and fell in love, staying together for 21 years until I lost him earlier this year.

Then I went back and found the red-haired guy from school...

From everything you've said about him, I think Les might have been more correctly named, More. It's amazing that you were able to reconnect with someone from school.

So it looks like it helps a girl's chances if she has a pickup truck.

You're all probably sick of my story, as I've told it a few times here on the forums. But, I can't resist posting it in a thread all about how relationships got started.

I met my husband at church, in the young adults group. Unlike most everyone there at the time, he actually talked about important and interesting things, like oceanography, philosophy, the meaning of life, striving to be better, etc. He was real and honest with a genuine smile. That was my impression the first day I met him. Two weeks later, we both went to a church retreat, and had fun talking about mushrooms, trees, and digging through rocks in the gravel to find little jewels.

Then, he offered me flowers, saying, "You know a lot about flowers. Can you identify these for me?" So I told him they were hydrangeas and handed them back. He said they were for me. I said something dumb like "Oh." and put the flowers on the table next to me. My brain said flowers=dating and I wasn't going to date someone unless they were my best friend, and I'd only known him two weeks!

He thought my response meant I didn't like him, so he stopped coming to church. Meanwhile, I kept and dried the flowers quietly in my closet. Since his parents also attended my church, I's go up to them every month or two and ask them how he was doing. A year after I scared him off, the church needed a bass player, and his dad volunteered him. So, I saw him again, and made sure to flag him down and chat with him. He figured this meant that maybe I was interested in him, and he told me and my friend that he had a gift card to an ice cream shop, and suggested we hang out and use the gift card. We arranged a day and got ice cream. Then we arranged a few other times to "hang out" (yay for hanging out at thrift stores!). That went on for about two months. I think we exchanged emails and phone number at some point, becuase...

Our church had a yearly gala, complete with swing music and dancing. He called me up and asked if I was going. I said something like, "Yeah, I think so. It seems like a lot of people are." Pretty sure he asked to pay for my ticket, but I'd already bought one. He asked what colors I'd be wearing, so I told him. When we arrived there, in semi-matching attire, a friend asked, "Are you guys dating?" We looked at each other and said something like, "I guess so!"

Long Story Short: We met at church and both kind of took turns scaring the other off and finding ways to further the relationship. I furthered it by asking his parents how he was doing, for almost a year straight, and by flagging him down when he came back to church, and by being authentic and interesting. He furthered it by thinking of fun non-dating things to do, and by being funny, honest, interesting and deep-thinking.

Dale Hodgins wrote:From everything you've said about him, I think Les might have been more correctly named, More.

Les' philosophy seemed to be that if the first one doesn't work, keep trying.  Again and again and again.  And eventually you'll find the right one.  So yeah, in lots of ways 'More' might have been a better name.  Gotta admire the determination...

It's amazing that you were able to reconnect with someone from school.

Not that amazing - my ex, who I keep in contact with because of our son, is his best friend after all.  And yes, awkwardness has been known to ensue...

So it looks like it helps a girl's chances if she has a pickup truck.

Well obviously - why do you think they are called pick-ups?

Billy Joel, is well known for ruining his relationships.

But he wrote a good song that gives the fellas a few pointers on how to get one going.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=p0pM5dm--yQ

Tell Her About It  ---   Billy Joel

Listen boy
I don't want to see you let a good thing
Slip away
You know I don't like watching
Anybody make the same mistakes
I made
She's a real nice girl
And she's always there for you
But a nice girl wouldn't tell you what you should do
Listen boy
I'm sure that you think you got it all
Under control
You don't want somebody telling you
The way to stay in someone's soul
You're a big boy now
You'll never let her go
But that's just the kind of thing
She ought to know
Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept
That you're for real
Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means
Listen boy
It's not automatically a certain guarantee
To insure yourself
You've got to provide communication constantly
When you love someone
You're always insecure
And there's only one good way
To reassure
Tell her about it
Let her know how much you care
When she can't be with you
Tell her you wish you were there
Tell her about it
Every day before you leave
Pay her some attention
Give her something to believe
'Cause now and then
She'll get to worrying
Just because you haven't spoken
For so long
Though you may not have done anything
Will that be a consolation when she's gone
Listen boy
It's good information from a man
Who's made mistakes
Just a word or two that she gets from you
Could be the difference that it makes
She's a trusting soul
She's put her trust in you
But a girl like that won't tell you
What you should do
Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason
To accept that you're for real
Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means
Tell her about it
Tell her how you feel right now
Tell her about it
The girl don't want to wait too long
You got to tell her about it
Tell her now and you won't go wrong
You got to tell her about it
Before it gets too late
You got to tell her about it
You know the girl don't want
To wait, you got to
Tell her about it

My wife met me through a personal ad I had placed in a local health magazine. She was the only one who answered. We bought land, built a house together, and have been happily married for 21 years. Destiny is a major determinant in relationships, and everyone gets exactly who they need in order to learn and to grow.

"The fish always matches the bait"

Well my funny story about meeting my partner goes like this.....I was on the board of directors of my state organic growers' association, and was expected to be sociable at the annual conference, and so I greeted her briefly among however many other people. She made investigations based on my name tag and a few days later she called, saying she found out I lived on an organic farm and wanted to visit.  And so the next weekend, she did.  This was one of the permaculture farms/communes I lived on back then and there were lots of visitors.  So she was just another visitor, and so she got the quick tour and then I said..."I've got chores to do, you can tag along if you want to".  Anyway, the day's chore was dumping and cleaning out the humanure buckets.  Which she stayed and helped with!  What's more, she  came back the next weekend, undaunted by not only the humanure but the fact that I was dating another woman long-distance.  You can guess who proved the more stubborn, and we have been together 13 years now!  My one line summary is I sorted out the woman from the girls with those humanure buckets!

I'm a bit cliche- met my Partner at work, at one point he was my boss... I think I partly liked him because even though he was interested he didn't give in and give me all the easy jobs! I left the company a few months after we started dating- so no serious conflict of interests- and we're still together 13 years later.

A couple of prior relationships had been with very controlling-people, so this one was nice in that he trusted me to do whatever I wanted and didn't very often try to talk me out of things!

I think I do annoy him with all the projects I try and do, and how I tend to take on far too much.. but that's how I'm so interesting

Neat stories, all!

Alder Burns wrote:My one line summary is I sorted out the woman from the girls with those humanure buckets!

Good on you. We also poobucket. It's a fine determiner of compatability.

Burra Maluca wrote:Then I went back and found the red-haired guy from school...

Just want to report that I not only found him, but managed to bring him all the way home to Portugal with me.  He even coped with the humanure buckets.  

Here we are standing in the plot he's chosen for the new log cabin. Or maybe wofati.  We're still at the planning stage...



He's an engineering type, so he's busy dreaming of things like underfloor heating, rocket mass heaters, rocket powered hot tubs, all kinds of things which should keep us busy for the next few decades...

I met my husband online. We lived in the same town but still would probably never have met in real life.

I want to share my story because I hope it will encourage people to just keep trying even though it may feel hopeless.

Many of my female friends have tried online dating and come to the conclusion that it doesn't work and they can't possibly meet anyone compatible there. I came to the same conclusion too when I was younger. But then, in my thirties, I decided I will try it again and this time I will ignore all my "rules" and "signs" and just write back to EVERYONE who writes to me (the only exception being those that straight up say they're looking for fun and not interested in relationships, but I didn't get many of those replies).

I got 40 replies and I replied to everyone and kept writing with everyone for as long as they wrote back. I wrote back to guys who WROTE WITH CAPS LOCK ON AND USED LOTS OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!  I replied to someone who had been in jail. I wrote to guys who had no idea of grammar and spelling. Guys who seemed boring, guys who seemed I had nothing in common with. Everyone.

Of these 40 guys, 2 kept writing back long enough for us to go on a date. A few dates. They were decent guys both. One was an engineer, very normal, perhaps slightly stuck up/ uptight. The other guy was a bit eccentric, he had a few fetishes that seemed weird to me.

The dates went alright but it didn't seem to progress from there with either one of them. It was getting more and more difficult to keep conversation going. I was getting discouraged and ready to give up.

I was just about to take my profile off when I got one more reply. I sighed and decided well okay, just this one more and then I'm taking a long break from dating. Wrote to him, set a date to meet him and there he was, my future husband Well, I didn't know that on the first date, but things progressed fast and 6 months later we were married.

My suggested (hopefully helpful) online dating motto is therefore a modified version of Paul's motto:
https://permies.com/t/32334/Lessons-Learned-Kickstarter-projects#251987

Date at least 40 people. With one of them you will find connection. You never know in advance which one.

Happy dating!

Nina, your story was lovely and your conclusion / motto makes me laugh.  I'm curious whether your husband displayed any of the traits you mentioned here:

I got 40 replies and I replied to everyone and kept writing with everyone for as long as they wrote back. I wrote back to guys who WROTE WITH CAPS LOCK ON AND USED LOTS OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!  I replied to someone who had been in jail. I wrote to guys who had no idea of grammar and spelling. Guys who seemed boring, guys who seemed I had nothing in common with. Everyone.

I met my wife 2 months before she met me.
And I was keeping stuff out of the trash.

I was working in the corporate lab for a flour milling company.
Along with testing protein levels, checking for bugs, and verifying the enrichments were added, we did test baking.
Every day we would end up with 20 to 50 loaves of bread that just ended up in the trash.
We could have as much of it as we wanted, but, 8 people aren't going to eat 20 loaves of bread a day.
I started taking home several loaves a few times a week and handed it out to the people at my apartment building.
One day I realized I had never given bread to the corner apartment.
I knocked and started to explain about the test baking.
I didn't know she worked the graveyard shift and this was the equivalent to 3am for her.
The response I got was - "You woke me up" and she slammed the door.
A few days later I tried again and got the exact same response.
Well, I don't play baseball.  I didn't need 3 strikes.
I didn't bother that apartment again.
2 months later I dropped by the apartment of the buildings unofficial "Grandma".
That bitch from the corner apartment was there so I was rather stand-off-ish with her.
That's when she remembers meeting me.
Little did I know that 28 years later we would be a few months away from our 26th anniversary.

Like a lot of others have said:  At work

My very first job.  I was on break and he bought me a coke otherwise I may never have spoken to him.

My mom picked me up after work and asked who I was talking to.  When I explained she said "he's cute" which gave me the impression that she approved of me dating him.

I was 18 yrs old and not really doing much in NY after graduation, so my mom's friend invited me to go to work/college in Texas.  While at work, a boy came up to me and said that "Cowboy Jim thinks you're pretty."  I went out to the shop later that afternoon to talk to this Jim guy.  While we were talking, I was fidgeting with an air hose.  It broke and started whizzing around!  This guy fixed it in about two seconds!  That was it.  I found my Macgyver!  I immediately went inside and called my boyfriend to break up with him.  Jim and I married a few months later, after he went through basic.  Three kids, Jim's 20 years in the Army, and 26 years of marriage later...
He still thinks I'm pretty

There is a recent similar "how did you meet" thread in the Personal Challenges sub-forum: https://permies.com/t/153842

Here's a copy of the post I made in the sub-forum.

1987. Grad school. Hot tub party. The tub is one of those big mobile rentals that hold a dozen people. I'm bobbing around in the center, trying to keep the water from splashing into my beer. Over on one side, a blonde nymph is receiving the standard interrogation from the Lotharios who inhabit the local bars: "heybabe, whaddayadoo inyer sparetime?" They move to the far end of the tub when she replies "I teach martial arts." Soon after, probably due to my charismatic aura, she uses her toes to snag and relocate me to a seat next to her. Conversation ensues, followed by a few weeks of lust-driven encounters, followed by the horrified realization that we've fallen hopelessly in love. The next 33 years are a blur of living in sin, marriage, caribbean honeymoon, sweaty dojos, cats, graduations and professional employment, great danes, first house, gym-rattery, professional layoffs, losing first house, gig-consulting, second house, small business ownership and professional re-employments, chickens, goats, ridiculously huge gardens, more cats and great danes, retirement and finally strategic retreat into the north woods where we can grow ancient together.

Haha, when the girl grabs for you, your ship has come in mate. If she also digs Great Danes, you have a keeper.

For me? Volunteering. (Why does nobody ever mention this? It's such an obvious as a way to meet people with compatible values and interests. Or, perhaps, to meet their parents/siblings/uncles/aunts/neighbours. Six degrees of separation!)

My dad volunteered at a kids' summer camp, doing maintenance stuff, and shanghaied me to help brush out and build a fence. All manly, sweaty work using chainsaws and tossing fence posts etc.

The camp director came out to say hello and show support. She was a tall blonde, single and smart and outdoorsy, far too capable and with too many university degrees for the local lads to cope with.

Naturally we got to chatting about our outdoor adventures, and I was invited over for a small group barbecue, and I borrowed her guitar and sang a few songs, and it sort of came together.

It was a setup, of course: my father engineered the whole damn thing. But it was the right setup. Except we never let on we were dating, and tortured him for months before we came clean. A quarter century later, we have changed (as is natural) and yet we're still building on our compatible interests and values, and loving the life that our garden brings -- to birds and bees, and to both of us.

I had come to a new city with a boyfriend, who I thought at first was refreshingly different from my too intellectual family. We'd been together for almost two years when I realized that his constant putdowns and his irresponsibility around finances were not what I deserved. I told him I'd finish putting him through trucking school and then would be moving on.

About that time I started looking for new activities and new friends and since I liked folk music, I went to a cafe where they had a weekly open mic. A red-haired musician started talking with me and asked me out. During our lunch conversation where I was telling the guy about my multinational upbringing, I suddenly noticed his wedding ring. He said he and his wife had an open relationship! Well, that just wasn't my style, thank you very much!

However, I had enjoyed hearing the folk music and went back the following week. The redhead came up to me and said, "You should meet my friend - he's traveled a lot too!" I was introduced to a tall, dark and handsome man who had a cold. I bought him some apple juice. He asked for my number and told me he would call me at work, since I didn't have a home number. I was skeptical, but sure enough, he did call. The arrangement was for him to pick me up on my lunch break.

My office was right on the main street in the heart of the city. Since I rode a bus to work, I didn't realize that the city had a rule about no right turns onto any of the side streets in that section of town. My date knew, but when he saw that I had moved onto a side street where there was an open parking spot, he turned right, even though there was a cop immediately behind him! I got in the car, blissfully unaware. The next thing I knew, the cop was at the driver's side window asking him for his particulars and telling him he had made an illegal turn. It really touched me that this man risked a ticket so as not to freak me out...

After we met a couple more times, I agreed to marry him but insisted on a six-month waiting period in order to get to know each other. We've been together now for 37 years through quite a number of trials, tribulations and relocations and he's still my best friend.

P.S. Each of our daughters met their husbands via an online dating service and it looks like they will be in it for the long haul.

We met when we were married.   To other people.

I taught in a tiny rural school while getting further education.   When I took a job in my new profession, the education group (all the small schools in the region pooled resources) had me go to job fairs as a recruiter.   The guy who was going to replace me as teacher came up to my table and sat there like Rodin's sculpture of the Thinker, quietly asking about the school and village.  There was major upheaval at the time, so I suggested he run the other way as quickly as possible.   I was not a very good recruiter.

Turned out he had already accepted an offer for the job and was just trying to get a sense of the place.   I surmised the man was either a daredevil or possessed some serious courage, taking the job even after hearing my warnings.   But he handled the heat beautifully.   He quieted walkouts, talked down a violent dad,  and worked his way up to Superintendent.

In the meantime, we crossed paths professionally.   He taught my stepson.  I gave speech therapy to his middle child.  He had to inform me of a complaint about my shorts being too short (turned out they were... because my legs are stupidly long).  We rarely talked and I don't think he ever looked me in the eye.  This was how it went for years.

One day I was in my office when I got a discipline report from him about my shy and quiet  stepson.   I was in shock.  It was two pages long.   I flipped to page two where it said,  "April Fools."  My stepson had handed it to me, and he stood there beaming with glee.  I was not amused.

That afternoon, I rounded up a few of the high schoolers to help me lift his Geo Metro and turn it 90 degrees in its space between the other cars in the parking lot.

But we still never talked other than greetings.   We just went about our work in a parallel quiet.  He hired me as the speech therapist for that school, years later.  So in a way,  I hired him, then he hired me.

Both of our marriages started to fall apart after 15 years.   I moved away.   When his marriage ended, he followed me to where I moved and we started talking.   We fell instantly in love,  married,  and have been together for 20 years, not including all the silent coworker years.

Years later,  I asked him why he never looked me in the eye at the job fair. He said he had watched me from across the space and was afraid he would stare if he looked up at me because he thought I was so pretty.   Aaaaw.  I'm not.   And I'm almost 7 inches taller than he is.  We don't seem to notice that much any more, but we did at first.  Our height difference didn't matter, as it turned out, because we so enjoy each other's company.

Rule #1 for western guys living in Asia - don't ask how they met their partner...