Finding local co-ops, permies and making friends

I’m 52 years old and rubbish at finding new friends. And the older I get the harder it gets. My brain has lots of voices, one of which is the Social Mammoth another is the Instant Gratification Monkey, but I’m not here to talk about the monkey.

The Mammoth is really good at giving me reasons for having no local friends. The conversation includes the following:
- You’re a Brit living in the US, you didn’t grow up here, you don’t understand the culture and they can’t understand your strange accent
- You know nothing about their sports and you hate politics
- You tried religion but now your an atheist living in a village that has eight active churches
- You ride a cargo bike in a place where only kids ride bikes
- You have plenty of internet friends
- You have logs and a huge pile of wood chip on your drive and don’t and didn’t have any trees
- You hang out your washing to dry, which the locals call line drying laundry
- Halfway through no mow May, you upset your neighbour who threatened offered to cut your lawn . . .
- Your real friends live in Singapore, Japan, Australia, Canada, France and the UK . . .
- The people at the CSA / Farmers market probably think you’re an over sharer and a bit of a bore because you stay and chat for way too long
- Your one American friend from Singapore, having set down the rule “No religion, No politics”, told you to buy an A.M. radio and sign up to Telegram at the beginning of 2021 . . .
- You’re a stay at home Dad and have zero interest in poker night
- If anyone replies to this conversation who is local and wants to meet up, you will totally freak out, so just keep this as a draft and don’t post
- square peg, round hole, square peg, round hole . . .
- You’re too busy, got a house to fix and yard to convert into a garden

The last one is the reason I normally give.

The Mammoth is also shy and worries too much about what other people think and compensates by being needy and tries too hard to impress others.

I really want to build local connections, I’d love to get involved in local permaculture projects. I’m really happy working and problem solving with others. In the past I’ve made friends through the kids but they’re now much older, independent and I don’t walk the school run and wait outside their classroom with other parents at the end of the day. I joined all the newcomers and school networks I could in NJ but nothing stuck. Which just made the Mammoth grow.

In a recent thread there was the suggestion “check with your local co-op (or Permies) contacts” and it sunk in, not only do I not have any but I’m totally clueless on how to fix it. As with most of my problems, I’m happy to air them here where the Mammoth is surprisingly quiet.

When we had our homestead, the town was much as your described, we just had different circumstances.

In the end, it turn out that our friends were the parents of our kids' friends.

Volunteering at different organizations is a great way to meet people and make friends.

I have never lived where there was a co-op so I don't know how to find them though that would be a great place to volunteer.

What about CSA are there any of those where you live?

Any community gardens, garden clubs, or farmers' markets?

Is there a community college where you could take some classes?

Maybe volunteer at the local library?

Just throwing out some ideas.

Anne Miller wrote:When we had our homestead, the town was much as your described, we just had different circumstances.

In the end, it turn out that our friends were the parents of our kids' friends.

Volunteering at different organizations is a great way to meet people and make friends.

I have never lived where there was a co-op so I don't know how to find them though that would be a great place to volunteer.

What about CSA are there any of those where you live?

Any community gardens, garden clubs, or farmers' markets?

Is there a community college where you could take some classes?

Maybe volunteer at the local library?

Just throwing out some ideas.

Thanks Anne - some great suggestions. I’ve just spent the last hour doing some research (I’m supposed to be painting the bathroom).

I’ve resubmitted my volunteer forms for the local trail maintainers. It’s work I like doing so hopefully that will lead somewhere.

I like the idea of a community garden. There is one fifteen miles away the other side of our nearest big town. I couldn’t find any nearer searching online, so I’ll ask at the village hall and the local CSA. There’s a great farmers market but that’s also fifteen miles in the opposite direction. Not much hyperlocal, places I could in theory cycle to. I’ll make some more enquires next weekend.

The local community college doesn’t have anything I’m even vaguely interested. I was quite excited to see the offer alternative energy courses but the content is for service engineers working on offshore wind farms. It would be great if I found somewhere that teaches traditional skills like carpentry or smithing or leather crafts etc. Haven’t found anything yet but I’ll keep looking.

Edward Norton wrote:It would be great if I found somewhere that teaches traditional skills like carpentry or smithing or leather crafts etc. Haven’t found anything yet but I’ll keep looking.

I'm not sure how broadly true this is, but in my area there are a bunch of "folk schools" that teach those skills. Maybe search for some near you.

Dear hubby and I took an AC/DC Electronics class at our community college.  Does your community college offer something like that?

It might prove interesting since everything is electronics today. I didn't learn to fix things just to have a better understanding of how things work.

I would think a community college would offer something basic for kids to get an Associates Degree in either Science or the Arts before heading off to a University to get their Bachelors Degree.

I had wanted to take an EMT class at our local college and only wanted to take the class rather than get certification though when I called the lady just could not understand what I wanted to do so I decided just to not do it.  I forget the name of what it is when you just take the class and it is supposed to be cheaper.

I'm just posting for support, I don't really have any answers for you.   Same boat really.  I've got friends, who find my permaculture posts on FB inspiring and educational and all that.. but sometimes you want PEERS you know?   Other people who already GET what you are doing in some respect and don't find you a quirky novelty lol.  If we were closer I'd run you a coffee or whatever your drink of preference is, or invite you over for a yard/garden visit!   I'm glad you posted.

Edward Norton wrote:

It would be great if I found somewhere that teaches traditional skills like carpentry or smithing or leather crafts etc. Haven’t found anything yet but I’ll keep looking.

A local historical society or SCA? (Society for Creative Anachronism - I expect you know that, but some people might not).

Jay Angler wrote:A local historical society or SCA? (Society for Creative Anachronism - I expect you know that, but some people might not).

I didn’t know anything about SCA. I now a little bit. The local organisation disbanded in 2015 and this area was merged into NYC. I’ll delve a little deeper. Thanks.

Edward, I am also a Tin Urban fan, for many of the same reasons. I deal a lot more with the Instant Gratification Monkey and the Panic Monster, than the Mammoth.
I had been secretly (not any more...) rooting for your relocation from NJ to be to Boston.
Maybe a "makerspace" might have folks of a similar mindset? They'd at least understand the turning logs to lumber in the driveway part... It certainly makes more sense from an outsider's viewpoint than what's in my driveway!

I know of someone, who may actually be sort of local to you, who I feel would be amazing to know in real life...
I'll send you a PM.

Kenneth Elwell wrote:Edward, I am also a Tin Urban fan, for many of the same reasons. I deal a lot more with the Instant Gratification Monkey and the Panic Monster, than the Mammoth.
I had been secretly (not any more...) rooting for your relocation from NJ to be to Boston.
Maybe a "makerspace" might have folks of a similar mindset? They'd at least understand the turning logs to lumber in the driveway part... It certainly makes more sense from an outsider's viewpoint than what's in my driveway!

I know of someone, who may actually be sort of local to you, who I feel would be amazing to know in real life...
I'll send you a PM.

Cheers Keith and thanks for the PM. My eldest is very familiar with the Panic Monster.

Boston would have been awesome. I visited a few times many years ago, last time in the middle of a massive ice storm back in the late 1990’s. Wife works in NYC two days a week, so it would have been a bit of a stretch! I’ll have to research “makerspace” that’s a new one on me.

Thank you Anne for the gentle nudge in the direction of the library. I’m now signed up and came away with four books on wood working and outdoor projects. They’re dated but I don’t remember there being an annual update or launch for the latest pergola . . .

They have lots of community information, mostly based around young mothers and ESL classes. As most of you who read my stuff here, you’ll know I struggle with English as a first language . . . Anyhoo, it’s a start and I have a leaflet about the local school district and the librarian thinks they might have alternative further education classes.

Any more strategies for finding local, like mind people? . . . Actually, I’ll rephrase that as many of my closest friends aren’t at all likeminded, but we all have a common respect for each others differences and when something sounds a little nuts, then the normal response is ‘that sounds interesting’. So I’ll include local openminded people.

My closest community garden is 25 miles away and from what research I’ve done, community garden general means the immediate community. Could I create a community garden . . . Not without some serious help from a local with the goal of setting up a community garden. I know some of my strengths and weaknesses and doing that from my current situation is well out of scope of what I’m capable of.

I got really excited about makerspaces but so far nothing within 50 miles.

I spoke to folks at the library - all thought it was awesome that I’m a cargo-bike riding stay at home Dad but had no clue about any of my interests. Politely suggested I join a historical reenactment theatre group whose main inspiration is drawn  from Downton Abbey! (No disrespect but fleeing class obsessed middle England was a big tick in my book and sounds just like the sort of thing my mother-in-law would love, so I’ll be wielding a barge pole in that direction) - I know I should make an effort, but there are limits . . .).

I’ve contacted the local educational establishments but nothing close. They mostly deal with corporations who have staff that need training in  security or HR related matters. I guess it’s where the money is.

There’s a big Permaculture centre an hour away that run lots of courses. (Although it seems to be secondary to yoga). I wonder where all their students are? There’s another one, also an hour away The Center for BioRegional Living. If I had time and money I’d sign up for their PDC . . . Maybe next year if they go back to in person. I’m done with online learning . . .

Tomorrow is CSA day, so I’ll ask there and I’ll ask around at the farmers market at the weekend. I don’t hold out much hope.

Have you heard of "Repair Cafe"? They're running one once/month out of a local church. My understanding is that in the perfect situation, people bring broken things and an expert or gifted hobbyist guides them through how to repair it. I think often, the volunteer does more of the work than they should because that's easier and quicker than teaching - certainly when Hubby visited the church one, that seemed to be the case. I did read of a lady attending one with a damaged lamp and in fact being guided through replacing the damaged socket, rather than just passively observing.

Here's an example: https://fairfieldcommunity.ca/repair-cafe/

Anne Miller wrote:Dear hubby and I took an AC/DC Electronics class at our community college.  Does your community college offer something like that?

It might prove interesting since everything is electronics today. I didn't learn to fix things just to have a better understanding of how things work.

I would think a community college would offer something basic for kids to get an Associates Degree in either Science or the Arts before heading off to a University to get their Bachelors Degree.

I had wanted to take an EMT class at our local college and only wanted to take the class rather than get certification though when I called the lady just could not understand what I wanted to do so I decided just to not do it.  I forget the name of what it is when you just take the class and it is supposed to be cheaper.

Anne, I think "auditing" a class is the term you are looking for.  

Mk, that's the word. "Auditing a class"

I thought "Repair Cafe" was such a neat idea that I did a thread on that:

https://permies.com/t/170264/ungarbage/Repair-Cafe

Jay Angler wrote:Have you heard of "Repair Cafe"? They're running one once/month out of a local church. My understanding is that in the perfect situation, people bring broken things and an expert or gifted hobbyist guides them through how to repair it. I think often, the volunteer does more of the work than they should because that's easier and quicker than teaching - certainly when Hubby visited the church one, that seemed to be the case. I did read of a lady attending one with a damaged lamp and in fact being guided through replacing the damaged socket, rather than just passively observing.

Here's an example: https://fairfieldcommunity.ca/repair-cafe/

I'm actually part of the Repair Cafe in my community, headed by, of all people, a British ex-pat! It's been fun and our third event is upcoming. There's quite a bit of crossover in volunteers from our local sustainability group, with the relatively new Repair Cafe, and our Farmer's Market organization - going on fifteen years now. So, good chances at the farmer's market to find some like/open-minded folks!

The scarcity of the community group you seek is an opportunity to create just the one that you'd like to be a part of! Maybe start with a flyer or card on a community bulletin board (library? coffee shop?) advertising a gardening meetup, or something else?
There's a guide for setting up a Repair Cafe, if you go to their website.

In my experience, your county extension / master gardener folks aren't going to be very aligned with your permaculture ethos, but they might know people in the area who are because they're sort of a gardening hub.

Oh maybe I do have one small suggestion;  have you tried some search terms on "meetup.com" to see if there are permaculture/ gardening/ biking/ etc. folks looking to meet others?  I was suprised to find a rather "famous" permaculture property very close to me was on there locally, holding monthly volunteer days.   I went once, it was pretty cool.  They did a tour and shared tastes/ produce/ plant starts with volunteers as well as having some working projects done!  

Jack Spirko had some great suggestions on this topic. I can't find the podcast episode but one of his thoughts was:
Find a good video on a topic you love. Find a community space that you can use / rent and schedule a showing of the video.  Post about it on local bulletin boards in coffee shops, supermarkets, etc. and on neighborhood web sites like nextdoor. Then see who shows up. Show the film and have a discussion. Maybe even prepare some handouts with more information, a sign-in sheet, etc.

Any progress?

Shame you don't live in/near Boston, 80% of what you wrote is the same for me. Since I'm new to my area I'm in the process of building up new friends, one thing I read is to pick things/events which are recurring, so you get to see someone several times to slowly build the relationship.  I'm very keen to visit permaculture farms in my area but so far have not found any within 30/40 miles.