Check in - are you okay?

What does Hakuna Matata mean?
there are no troubles
L. Johnson I have been there and still practise steps to keep sane and content.
I you want to chat via messages I am happy to share.
Has anything happened with the house lately?

Joshua Myrvaagnes wrote:  
I reread the book that's my compass, moral and spiritual compass, and lights up the next 200 years of our history.  It's the seventh time I've read it, and each time I think I don't need to reread it again--and each time I am glad that I did.  

What book?

Thanks for making this thread.
To say that the last year has been hard, is an understatement, but to understand you will need a little background information first.
4 1/2 years ago (after being sick many many years) I was diagnosed with autonomic inflammatory poly neuropathy, small fiber neuropathy with co conditions. The inflammatory part of the diagnosis is a production of antibodies in large quantities. At that point I was on 90% bedrest and we were talking hospice, because my organs was taking damage. It also gave me anaphylactic reactions to fragrances, which has made me housebound.
I have been in treatment since, and have been doing great. I have been able to take over most of the gardening and food preservation and have slowly gotten my life back. We have tripled our raised beds, and are in the process of adding the last few things to our forest garden. The larger parts will be finished this spring. After that it will be my church, and my playground. It’s already giving us fruit all year round.
I think that the hardest part of this, are the setbacks, because I do get them, and this last one has and are still bad. It’s like someone putting what I want most in the world just out of reach.
In spring 2023 I first lost my father and later my 18 year old beloved service dog companion. As it is with grief it comes and goes, and I think that’s why it took me a while to realize that I was getting worse instead of better.
I was so tired in December, that I (for the first time in my life), wasn’t able to participate in our normal Christmas activities.
Christmas morning when I woke up, it was like walking on a boat during a storm. I had the headache from hell and later couldn’t figure out what day or time it was. I was very confused. My husband and home care nurse both through it was a side effect of a new medication I had started. It lasted 48 hours and then except for my headache I was as back to normal as I could be.
Fast forward to December 31st. When I woke up, I wasn’t able to stretch out the pinky finger on my right hand and the whole hand felt stiff. I made a comfrey soak and after 6 hours I was able to get my hand to work. At the same time I noticed blood seeping from one of my infusion ports. Since urgent care is crazy we waited until the next day to go in. It turned out that I had a blood infection and that I had, had a mini stroke on the 25th. The doctors found a very large clot in my left jugular vein. I spend 8 days in the hospital on antibiotics and blood thinners, and I am still on those.
The recovery still isn’t over, I am beyond tired and due to another infection I am back on antibiotics. It’s just a UTI, but it’s still hard on my already weak body.
This means that I haven’t been able to do my job as well as I want to. I simply don’t have the energy.
While I love that we here in the most southern part California, can grow food all year round, but this year I could have use a winter break. Instead I am constantly starting new plants while harvesting what’s already growing. I am constantly juggling crops for more than one season.
I don’t get a break from gardening ever. I also in fall (before I got more sick) ordered about 20 berry bushes for the forest garden, 50 wild strawberry plants, herbs that needs to be moved and transplanted into the guilds, and 3 pounds of wildflower seeds, that will be my soil cover. The seeds have arrived and the first 4 plants, with more already shipped.
It’s very frustrating and extremely stressful for me. I huge part of me wishes that my disability/illness setback had happened next year, since it will be a lot less work once all of the plants in the forest garden are in. After that I will mostly just have to take care of the raised bed garden, maintenance, harvesting and processing. Why is it, that things always happens at the same time? And always at the worst possible time? I don’t know, but I guess we will just have to persevere.
Our ancestors persevered or perished, so I keep telling myself that I too can persevere. It’s hard though, discouraging and depressing, but I will keep fighting.
Giving up has never crossed my mind, I am just too stubborn. My husband says I can give a donkey competition when it comes to stubbornness LOL. It’s good that I am this way though or I think I would have broken mentally.
My latest setback, was having my Facebook account hacked, and FB disabling it. So far I haven’t been able to get my account back. Social media are at least 80% of my social life. I am getting help though to start over there. The owner of the largest food preservation group I am in, called me yesterday. She said that her admin team went into a panic when I disappeared from FB. They thought I had died, but she remembered that she had my phone number and called. This really warmed my heart. For someone with my self-esteem issues, being told that I have no idea how loved I am in that group, made me cry. It really touched me, and I love them all right back. When I entered that group, it was like coming home.
If there are anything I can take away from all of the things that has happened over the last year, it is, that YES, I can trust people/friends/family to give me support and help when needed. I also learned that I am horrible at delegating, so I will work on that. Most importantly though I have learned that I don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to lean on other people when needed, because most importantly. I am not alone in this, I am loved. Am I okay, no, but I know that I will be okay. It will just take time, so while I heal I will just have to put my trust in my family to get things done.
I also need to get better at dealing with stress, or I will eventually burn out. For that, I am actually putting a meditation place at the center of my forest garden, so I can meditate, pray and do yoga there. My god is the earth we live on and my garden is my church.
Am I okay? No, but I know that I will be okay eventually, even though it at times feels like I am clinging to a cliff with my fingernails.
Thank you for letting me vent.

No. And never will be again. Lost my wife of 49 yr. Just over 3 yr ago. Have lost my children to therapists. Have lost my kids at school forced to retire from the combination of my failure to be able to deal with the other issues. Everything has been taken. No. I am not ok and can't be. I inquired about another small school to occupy my mind and share my talents. I am 71 and no one will want me. No. I am not ok. I have vast lists of what I want to make, to do. Running on empty it is easier to coast but I have a full throttle with the sputtering missing of an old man. I still want but the clock stopped when I lost her and the children of ours have abandoned me.

I hear you Martin.

Wish I could offer you more than that, but I hear you and send you love.

my wife left me just as we were starting our homestead..so ya

Thank you for the check in. I am well as is those I know. My largest concern are the vast number of creepy crawlers that are infesting my living situation. Roaches come out of the dirt here when I dig garden beds. It’s disheartening to say the least. There’s no other choice but to get exterminator grade death spray which is coming next week. The transition from PNW to the SW is going ok except for being so broke we can’t finance paying attention half the time. The up side is … this too shall pass. My hope is that all who read this know you are loved, you are valuable, and someone is on your side.
  Thanks again for all you do.
 Cheers,
Ron and Melissa Wisner

Dear Martin (and Alex),
Loss and a sense of abandonment are events, energies, emotions that seem to stop the time and energy.

Is there any way to transmute the energy that surrounds you, by constructing something - by using the pieces you have; the memories, the hopes, the dreams, the sorrow to create a place or spot that you can visit when you choose to.
I don't know if it's too early, but maybe consider that if you can use this energy within you now and transform it by working through it... that you could then continue living with regained spaceousness within you, without loosing that what you'd rather not miss, but you have given it a place, both within you and in the physical.

Sending a lot of warmth and strength.

Martin Fortenberry wrote:No. And never will be again. ....

Martin I feel sad you feel like this!
I hope for you that maybe in time you will start feeling a little bit better. I understand it will never be as okay as it was before all of this happened to you.

Martin Fortenberry wrote:No. And never will be again. Lost my wife of 49 yr.

My cousin lost his wife of 30+ years to  cancer and he is struggling as you are, with the hole in his soul that her absence has left. He is forcing himself through the tasks he needs to do, but one can't force the need for joy and companionship.

The loss doesn't magically "go away", but I hope it will have some smoother corners and and fuzzier borders as time passes.

I've been blessed to be in one of those "you guys will last forever" relationships for 16 years, but last October forever arrived and we seperated. Looking back it's clear to see we were drifting/falling apart - there were obvious signs, but like gravity, there was nothing we could do to escape it. I really hoped we could be adult about the seperation and the division of assets, but my ex hasn't been able to and so I'm now going to have to go to court to ensure assets are sold and I get my 50%, which is my legal entitlement under Thai law.

I have a few close friends who are there for me, but I've been dealing with things fairly well. I feel sorry for my step-son who I've been Dad to since he was only 1 years old (he's now 17), but with his mother being the way she is, I am unable to continue to perform that role.

My permaculture journey is now over. I have rehomed my goats and my pig, and currently live in a rented house with no garden. The house is nice and I'm in town so have everything to hand. I'm in a new but fairly casual relationship and I've made it clear that I'm not going to be a parent again as it's time for me to put myself first for a change.

So long & keep up the fantastic work.

Love, Jase.

I noticed that a full 2 years ago I made a post about a friend with two cancerous masses. The bad news is that it turned out to be much worse  with an inoperable tumor in his liver as well. The amazing news is that he is still alive and active with stage 4 cancer.  He looks quite well. The tumors have shrunk. The doctors are hesitantly using the term inoperable much less and are considering removing the tumors.  I imagine the present philosophy is that if what they are doing is working…do they really want to mess with it.

It’s good this thread got a boost. I had forgotten that I wrote here about a year ago. At the time, I wasn’t okay, but I want to say that now I am better. I still struggle, but therapy has and is helping a lot, and I have learned to slowly move on from grief and struggles.
One of the turning points, has been going back to teaching, in a way. Last fall I started giving tours of our small homestead. I am part of our local buy nothing group, and offered a gift of knowledge. It was a huge success, much bigger than I thought. People started asking for more tours and for smaller classes in food preservation.
Last year I had 10 people show up, this year over 30, some who sin’t  even in our buy nothing group, but had it recommended by neighbors. I have had to limit it to 4 tours, since I otherwise get too tired, since I also have to keep up with homestead chores. I find that teaching and connecting to people this way, really helps my mental health.
We also took in another feral, and he has attached himself to me. It made me realize how much I had missed having an animal companion.
Another thing we did, was also to finish my yoga and meditation area, and for me getting into the habit of having my morning coffee outside followed by yoga and meditation. One of the things I have worked on in therapy are being more mindful and expressive in my needs, instead of just giving in. Instead of sulking in the bedroom when my husband talked back making assumptions, I started correcting him and pointing out why I have the opinions I have. It has helped us communicate much better, not just with him,  but also with our adult children.
Sometimes, it can be hard opening up about things others have trouble understanding like what we believe in. I think the hardest thing is to be true to yourself.
So, my point is, that while I am not over my depression, I am slowly getting better. I have learned to stay true to myself and mindful about myself and others. There is a way out of depression and hard times, it’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile in life is. Each day I try to count my blessings. Finding things to be grateful for and happy about, and be open about my needs. I think that’s the way out of the darkness.

I had the unfortunate task of culling three cockerels this past weekend and I'm still full of mixed feelings on the task.

I feel sad because it did not go without a hitch like I planned. My intention is always to minimize suffering and I am beating myself up due to the fact that I feel like I could of done the task better than I did.  I am telling myself that it is what it is and I am better prepared for the future but I still feel a bit somber.

I knew what I was getting myself into with chickens and what has to be done but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Maybe next time will be that much easier? I'm unsure. I know that I just need a bit of time to process the event and move forward.

I like what Joel Salatin says. He says something to the effect that "If you get to the point where you feel nothing when you kill an animal, you need to take a break". I agree that we should feel something when we take a life. I had to cull 6 hens last year... I too felt that I needed some time to process after the fact. If you feel nothing when you take the life, did you really value the life?

It’s always hard to put down an animal, including livestock, but remember that your animals had a much better life than animals at factory farms. Here we raise most of our meat, and it’s hard when we get to this stage, but I learned from a farmer friend to look at it differently. Our animals have a great life. They have plenty of space, freedom, good foods and are happy. When it’s time for culling, it’s done humanely with no stress or fear for the animals. This is what makes the difference between factory farms and homesteads. We also honor the animals by using all of the animal. Nothing is just tossed into the trash. It’s still very hard to do, but better than buying from factory farms.
Lastly, the breeds we raise are all on the endangered livestock list, because consumers don’t buy them. We work with other farmers, to ensure those breeds don’t go extinct. Over the years, three of our breeds, are now off the list, thanks to the conservation work we and others do.

Ulla Bisgaard wrote:It’s always hard to put down an animal, including livestock, but remember that your animals had a much better life than animals at factory farms. Here we raise most of our meat, and it’s hard when we get to this stage, but I learned from a farmer friend to look at it differently. Our animals have a great life. They have plenty of space, freedom, good foods and are happy. When it’s time for culling, it’s done humanely with no stress or fear for the animals. This is what makes the difference between factory farms and homesteads. We also honor the animals by using all of the animal. Nothing is just tossed into the trash. It’s still very hard to do, but better than buying from factory farms.
Lastly, the breeds we raise are all on the endangered livestock list, because consumers don’t buy them. We work with other farmers, to ensure those breeds don’t go extinct. Over the years, three of our breeds, are now off the list, thanks to the conservation work we and others do.

I've cared for so many stray animals who were on their way across the rainbow bridge.   It never gets any easier.  Seeing a life extinguished is hard.

Kay Strayer wrote:]I've cared for so many stray animals who were on their way across the rainbow bridge.   It never gets any easier.  Seeing a life extinguished is hard.

Both of our hunting cats used to be local ferals, who decided to go into our house or follow us home. It’s amazing to see their confidence grow and fear reside. I am so proud of them, every time they make progress and start to trust us more and more. Our first one, attached himself to my husband, when he visited the local shelter, our second started hauling outside our door, then came in to quickly “steal” some food. Since he was wounded, we caught him, and took him to the vet. He spend the first 2 weeks hiding under our couch, now almost a year later, he comes to me to get groomed. This weekend he carefully tried to find the courage to sit on my lab, so I was so proud of him, when he finally jumped onto my lab, places his for legs on my should and rubs himself against my face and neck. He them pulled back, but slept next to me the rest of the day. He is the most beautiful bengal, that looks like a mini tiger. We named him Gawain, since he is a fighter with a big heart. All he wants in love, food and a warm place to sleep. He cost us 2k in vet bills, but it’s well worth it.

I love that name for your cat.  Gawain: such a valiant knight.  

These dark winter days are a bit tricky.  Only about 6 hours of dayligt...i say daylight.  It's so overcast, we need lights to do anything.   I have to shake the chickens (gently)  to let them know it is time to get up.

Tricky is a good way to put it. I would have no problem hibernating like a ground squirrel if I could figure it out physically. I imagine many critters feel the same.

Apparently the evenings are now getting lighter (although the mornings are still getting darker...) however, just a few days till we're past the worst of the dark (and my weather forecast is finally good for next week!)

r ranson wrote:These dark winter days are a bit tricky.  Only about 6 hours of dayligt...i say daylight.  It's so overcast, we need lights to do anything.  

This!

Today I *had* to process a drake that was a problem in the field. The storm a few days ago damaged one chain that holds a light up under the shelter I process in, so we removed it until I can do significant upgrades to shelter and light. That meant, despite it being 11:00am, I'm under cedar, under low, dark clouds, cold enough I *had* to wear gloves reducing my hand sensory perception, and no supplemental light.

I did the minimal job I could to salvage quality protein - breasts and leg/thigh combos - and the rest was a gift to the compost gods.

I need to head back out to do a bunch more work, but I had to thaw out first. 7C might not seem cold to people who live in snow country, but blowing rain and 33 km/h wind with gusts to 62 km/h, is not pleasant working conditions.

I am looking forward to when the days become longer again!
One positive thing here: it's dark and cloudy, but it isn't very cold (around 10 degrees Celsius).
So it isn't hard to go outdoors, getting a little more direct daylight.

i just put my foot down and set some limits for Christmas with the extended family.
I'm not getting sucked into little dramas and posturing and I literally do not care what anyone thinks about it.
I'm not bending over backwards and moving heaven and earth, except maybe when my mother in law is concerned (because I love her and she deserves it). all the rest of the extended relatives can figure out their own crap, their own food, their own arrangements and their own problems.
I feel about ten pounds lighter.

I feel overwhelmed and tired. There are so much to do, and I have so little energy right now. I have had 2 colds in three months, I got 16 instead of the expected 195 pounds of sweet potatoes from my first sweet potato bed, because I forgot to add phosphate and potassium before I put in the slips, and because we had problems with the irrigation. I am going to let the ones in the second bed, grow for another year.
There are so much to do, with Christmas preparations, gardening and preserving food. I have to get everything to a point where they can handle themselves, since I have surgery of my airways on March 20th. My surgeon says I can do any work for at least a month, need to rest the first week, and take it easy until three months after it’s done. On top of that, my son leaves for college about a week after my surgery, and he is the one who helps me the most in the kitchen and garden. My plan is to get my seedlings started indoors, and then wait until June before I transplant.
If the surgery works, there is a good change I won’t need oxygen anymore, and I will sleep much better.
Anyway, I better go and get started on my chores. They are not going to disappear, no matter how much I want them to.

Ulla, from a tired woman to another, I hope you're feeling better.
Reading your post, I suddenly remember advice I got at the very beginning of motherhood (the advice is applicable to every field in life):
"You can see __________ (insert challenge) as a football field with snow. If you try to clear it all in one, broad stroke, it's impossible. But in smaller passes, you get the job done. Just concentrate on the task at hand."
Good luck!

Nina Surya wrote:Ulla, from a tired woman to another, I hope you're feeling better.
Reading your post, I suddenly remember advice I got at the very beginning of motherhood (the advice is applicable to every field in life):
"You can see __________ (insert challenge) as a football field with snow. If you try to clear it all in one, broad stroke, it's impossible. But in smaller passes, you get the job done. Just concentrate on the task at hand."
Good luck!

Thank you. My therapist says similar things. I have a whiteboard where I divide chores up into smaller more manageable tasks, which helps.
Things are getting better though. Since my youngest daughter is home from college, she saw the whiteboard and rallied the rest of the family to help get it all done, while I was told to take it easy so I don’t get sick again. They even did all of the prep for Christmas, while I took naps. Today was the first morning in three months, where I didn’t wake up coughing, so she was right in saying I needed to rest and heal. Yesterday they planted 100 strawberry plants after setting up and filling 2 new beds. Today they are going to help me get my onion seedlings into the ground, plant the last 25 strawberry plants and get my wishing well planter filled and ready for alpine strawberries. I got 5 different kinds of strawberries, in order to stretch the season. After that, I only have leeks left to plant and mulch to add to the raised beds, and the cold season gardens will take care of itself. I am very grateful to have such a wonderful family.

Nina Surya wrote:Ulla, from a tired woman to another, I hope you're feeling better.
Reading your post, I suddenly remember advice I got at the very beginning of motherhood (the advice is applicable to every field in life):
"You can see __________ (insert challenge) as a football field with snow. If you try to clear it all in one, broad stroke, it's impossible. But in smaller passes, you get the job done. Just concentrate on the task at hand."
Good luck!

I totally agree. Maybe I didn't know yet when my children were young (I'm a grandmother now). I do remember it was a busy time. But probably it was back then when I learned not to try to do everything at once, but use 'small steps'. Anyway I know now and even though I have more time for myself now I still do it.

f.e. when a closet becomes a mess inside (I have many hobbies, with materials, you know ...) I don't try to tidy it up all at once. I take one drawer, or the space behind one little door. Everything in there goes out (on the spare bed), gets sorted, only things I need get back, but in a more orderly way.

BTW the question of this thread is 'are you okay?' I can tell you all I am feeling very okay at the moment. I decided not to stay in the house when I start having 'dark feelings'. When I'm outdoors everything feels lighter!

It is a good time to check in with people, I'm finding! Today on the first day of "back to normal" for many people I felt myself feeling pretty crummy (that old anxious depression again!!) and decided to reach out to a few people I haven't heard from in a while. They're all feeling a bit edgy too, which in turn makes me feel a bit better. We're all just getting through this big old mess of a tangled up world one day at a time.

Inge Leonora-den Ouden wrote:
BTW the question of this thread is 'are you okay?' I can tell you all I am feeling very okay at the moment. I decided not to stay in the house when I start having 'dark feelings'. When I'm outdoors everything feels lighter!

An excellent idea! Dog walkies and garden time are a big feature of this time of year.