Check in - are you okay?

Every time I see this thread, this phrase just seems appropriate:

I am okay, you are okay, and we are all okay!

For those of you that are not okay, I want to send happy thoughts your way.

Tereza Okava wrote:

EDITED TO ADD> sorry if I turned your check in thread into a dump thread! there is some cathartic value in that too, lol. I won't do it again.

I think this is just the right place for catharsis.

So sorry to hear that your troubles have all piled up at the same time!

I'm very glad to know no one was injured in the car accident. When I was a teenager I probably nearly gave my mom a heart attack when she got a call from the hospital saying I'd been involved in a wreck. I was lucky to have barely a scratch, and honestly lucky the driver of the car (I was a passenger) only had a broken arm. The car was totally wrecked - we flew off a mountain road into a big tree. I expect I'm experiencing some karmic retribution for all the things I put my mom through now with my own kids... hah.

Best wishes for knees, arthritis, cars, children, work, and mental state! Have some good vibrations sent from me across the pacific.

To Steve,

I've read about some of the challenges you're working through and I'm glad that you've come to join our community in spite? because? of them. Wishing you the best.

To Josh,

Everyone's life experience is and will always be different. Your apples feel one way, my oranges feel another. Don't let looking at apples and oranges make you feel bad, especially if you've already got a big pile of apples on your plate to deal with. Hope all goes well with your permaculture projects and your partner.

Thi is a very needed thread. Thank you for starting it. Just acknowledging the truth of where we are and how we're really feeling is the first step toward healing.

This time of year can be difficult as we miss loved ones who are no longer with us, as we look at our hopes for the year and see all we didn't get done, the dreams we had to let go or put on hold. Not helped in the northern hemisphere by the cold dull days and long nights.

There's a place for counting our blessings and focusing on all we did achieve in the past year, but I believe we also need to let ourselves grieve the losses. The seasons turn as they do for a reason, and human hearts and minds need a fallow season, too, of turning inward, of doing inner work that may not be visible on the surface but is real and essential for healthy growth. I see in myself that when I get anxious or irritable for no apparent cause, there's usually some grief I'm trying to avoid feeling. Often, I'm angry with God for what I see as letting bad things happen, so I disconnect from my Source, which puts me further into emotional flatness that can become depression.

Grief is sudden and sharp and can catch us by surprise. I'm grieving obvious losses -  two dear friends who died in the past 18 months, my father with severe Alzheimers. I'm also grieving things I tell myself I should be "over" or shouldn't be troubled by - pregnancy losses from over 20 years ago I still feel as my friends' children reach milestone ages, the close friendship that cooled and became distant, the ongoing loss of hope that my husband's health will improve, the property I dreamed of buying that has some big challenges I didn't foresee.

Being real about what I feel helps. Journaling helps. Prayer helps, especially honest prayer  where I let God know how seriously pissed off with Him I am.  Knowing that the seasons turn, and this season will not last helps.

I'm  praying for all who hurt at the moment. "Weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

I've finally realized what I really need to share on this thread.

I'm unhappy with me.  With how I'm doing, or not doing, permaculture.  With how I wish my pigs were bacon sometimes and that I could just be back in the city looking at beautiful pictures of the countryside on a computer screen and dreaming about the future.  With how I'm too lazy to pick up some of the bits of plastic from the landscape that the [anti-permaculturist] dog has distributed throughout, or really work on my hugelbeds.

BUT--I had a conversation with a random person today who turned out to have grown up on a farm and talked about how it is much harder than it looks like in the movies.  Yes, true.  AND--permaculture is supposed to make it be like the movies.  Not as simplistic, but as pleasurable.  Energizing.  Inspiring.  When I feel clarity and intuitive knowing and inspiration, then I want to do all of these things.  It feels like a joy to work hard, not drudgery.

I've seen so many permaculture or homestead-y landscape situations or suburban yards where there were missed opportunities and would imagine making use of those discarded abundant resources, and that would feel elating.  Liberating.   And the thought of having all of that and wasting any of it--well I sort of swore i would never waste anything like they do.  If only I had land, I'd be growing a food forest in the first five milliseconds.  

Well, it's not like I didn't plant seeds--they just didn't germinate.  It's not like I haven't paddock-shifted animals (with ^&#$^%% electric fencing) to improve the soil--I have but we had a severe drought that outweighs the Allan Savoriness.  It's not like I didn't build three and a half hugelkultur beds--by hand--I did, but I irrigated from the top not realizing that would erode it and there was scarce grass for mulch because the drought was so severe.  

I can give myself, and even more, permaculture-as-inspiration, credit for a year well executed.  (Oh, just remembered, I did the major thing too, the rocket mass heater, and have used basically no fossil fuels for heating, directly or indirectly, this winter).  And I can trust the inspiration to continue in the future, that the problems will resolve themselves and reveal themselves to be solutions.  I can trust life to work out in the future, even if something's going Wrong in this red hot minute.  And in the meantime that gives me a little more patience with the mundane irritations that can come up when the ducks don't follow my feed bucket or the pigs do another Bonnie and Clyde and steal the neighbors car and drive it off the cliff.  Well, maybe not that, but I do feel clear that this does not have to feel like old-time farming.  Those old realities and old stories that have a lot of momentum, I honor that that was the reality then, but it doesn't need to be mine now.  If I want to do good permaculture, that means finding an easier way.  Discovering, innovating, reconnecting to inspiration.  

Thanks for this thread again, it's helping me bark up the right tree again.

every "failure", for the lucky person, is actually a learning opportunity. My year last year was similar to yours- and there's not a darn thing I could have done about the weather, bugs, plagues, and other assorted craziness. But I did learn to put in things that like wet, and things that like hot, and keep trying til something sticks.
I think it's easy to end up missing the forest (permaculture) for the trees (the actual details of straining out comfrey tea and the dog eating the cucumbers and etc etc). I know I personally can't keep my eyes on the forest the whole time. Good on you for recognizing it.

To update: things here are going better. L Johnson, thank you for the good vibes, I think they helped because yesterday (after xrays, MRIs, lions, tigers, bears) the surgeon finally pronounced that I don't have to operate on the wrist for a while, just wear a doofy splint and go about my business (the best news I could possibly have expected). One less thing to keep me up at night!!!

”EDITED TO ADD> sorry if I turned your check in thread into a dump thread! there is some cathartic value in that too, lol. I won't do it again. “

Please do feel that this is a safe place to express yourselves - even if you think you are ‘dumping’ your feelings and thoughts.  It gets it out and you just might begin to feel better.

Others will pray for you and the situation you find yourself in.

Just knowing that you are not alone - is very helpful.

L. Johnson wrote:A lot of permies are high achievers with big goals and a lot of work.

Aspiring homesteaders might be feeling overwhelmed by the realities of trying to get out of the 9-5.

Maybe you've got other stresses, I know I do.

Check in here. Maybe you don't want to burden your family and friends with your grief. You can share with someone though.

I've lost a lot of friends to early deaths and more than a few of those were suicides. I'm going through a wave of grief right now. One of those friends reached out to me but I didn't know how to help.

I hope you can get the help you need, because we all deserve a chance for happiness, and I feel a huge gap in my life where all my friends used to be.

Even if it doesn't seem that way sometimes,
You are loved. You are wanted. You are needed.

I just wanted to check in...... I have been feeling isolated and over stressed. I lost my husband the father of my children and best friend of 20 years to Suicide in July of 2021, then this past Nov my son went in the hospital for suicidal thoughts and my father just died at 71! I have had a rough 2 years. I thought 2023 was going to be a change for the better but 9 days into the new year shockingly my Dad dies! I just moved and am so overwhelmed. no friends, no support. Thanks for listening.

Opal-Lia, that is an awful lot to deal with, even just one thing at a time, all together is unthinkable. I'm so sorry for all you're dealing with and wish you strength as you keep on keeping on and being there for your son.

Opal-Lia, I am so sorry you're enduring so many losses. Praying for you and your son and hoping you get the support you need.

Opal-Lia Palmer wrote:
I just wanted to check in...... I have been feeling isolated and over stressed. I lost my husband the father of my children and best friend of 20 years to Suicide in July of 2021, then this past Nov my son went in the hospital for suicidal thoughts and my father just died at 71! I have had a rough 2 years. I thought 2023 was going to be a change for the better but 9 days into the new year shockingly my Dad dies! I just moved and am so overwhelmed. no friends, no support. Thanks for listening.

Thanks for checking in. You said you just moved and it sounds like your missing your support network. That's extra tough.

Take care. I found myself breaking down in overwhelming waves of grief at strange times. Best to avoid being on the road or other dangerous places soon after a major loss. I remember crumpling into a ball of sobbing tears in the dormitory shower until long after the hot water ran out.

We're here across the web and listening!

L. Johnson wrote:

Opal-Lia Palmer wrote:
I just wanted to check in...... I have been feeling isolated and over stressed. I lost my husband the father of my children and best friend of 20 years to Suicide in July of 2021, then this past Nov my son went in the hospital for suicidal thoughts and my father just died at 71! I have had a rough 2 years. I thought 2023 was going to be a change for the better but 9 days into the new year shockingly my Dad dies! I just moved and am so overwhelmed. no friends, no support. Thanks for listening.

We're here across the web and listening!

+1. You're in a world of hurt. We have big shoulders. If we can help you carry a bit of the weight, we will.

Thanks for all the love and online support! I moved 1,500 miles from where I grew up in hopes to build a community and an organic homestead and it has been nothing but trial by fire. Living in the winter for the first time in my life has been an adventure to say the least. My daughter is physically disabled at this time in her life until I figure out how to help her.  I am hanging on with all I have, being strong is all I have ever been. But boy am I tired.

Opal-Lia Palmer wrote:





I just wanted to check in...... I have been feeling isolated and over stressed. I lost my husband the father of my children and best friend of 20 years to Suicide in July of 2021, then this past Nov my son went in the hospital for suicidal thoughts and my father just died at 71! I have had a rough 2 years. I thought 2023 was going to be a change for the better but 9 days into the new year shockingly my Dad dies! I just moved and am so overwhelmed. no friends, no support. Thanks for listening.

I don't even get to go to my Dad's Service this Sunday. It is 1,500 miles away and I was going to drive. But on Tuesday the day before I was going to leave the pet sitter I hired for my 5 animals canceled on me! And I cant get back to help my brother with all he has to deal with. :-( Nothing seems to go right these days, but I am still hanging in and trying to trust in Divine and the bigger plan. I know there has to be a reason for the world crashing in around me and my family. Thanks for listening <3

It's so hard dealing with such huge losses, especially when you're in a new community and haven't formed bonds there yet! Praying for you.
Are there any local groups who share your spiritual beliefs you may be able to get some support from? Just not feeling so alone as you handle all this will help. Permies are sending you love and hope and prayers, but having someone there physically you can sit and have a cup of coffee with and let yourself cry on their shoulder is what we're hardwired to need.

Jane Mulberry wrote:It's so hard dealing with such huge losses, especially when you're in a new community and haven't formed bonds there yet! Praying for you.
Are there any local groups who share your spiritual beliefs you may be able to get some support from? Just not feeling so alone as you handle all this will help. Permies are sending you love and hope and prayers, but having someone there physically you can sit and have a cup of coffee with and let yourself cry on their shoulder is what we're hardwired to need.

Thanks for the prayers they are much appreciated and I am grateful. I know and I pray for (in person support) all the time. Friends would be lovely. Being Pagan/Wiccan we don't have public spaces to offer support, Its all kind of quiet and secret but believe me I have tried. I have a post on here trying to build a like minded community/village. Some day my dreams will become a reality. But friends sooner than later would be nice
 

I hope you have some special places nearby where you can feel peace and comfort in nature. ❤️

I just spoke with one of the few people I know that I would designate as a friend. He has two cancerous masses in his colon.  I am an RN, I know the medical backstory, but it simply is not good news.  

Ugh! So sorry, John. Praying a miracle happens for your friend.

That is never an easy thing John. Sorry to hear.

I'm so lost. Disconnected. I am trying to find my way back it will just take time and I won't ever be the same woman I was. Some of you know I lost Darryl my 20 year friend and husband July 2021. I found his lifeless body after he took his own life. That moment I was in complete shock and jumped out of my body, but I didn't realize I did that till now. I'm only now noticing I'm lost and trying to find my way back to self. A month after his sudden death I packed up and took my 2 children on an adventure. I couldn't stay in that house, I couldn't go in that room. I had PTSD, nightmares, I didn't sleep or eat much. I needed an escape. We hit the road and drove to Montana from Southern CA. I left and for the first time ever on one of my road trips I had this huge lump of fear in me I never had before, I realized my safety net back home ( darryl) was gone. Who would I call to vent, who would I call if I was stranded, who would I call if I needed help? He was my solid ground. Sadly not one person/ family or friend checked on me that entire 4 months when I first left. 4 months later we returned home packed our belongings and moved over 1,000 miles away from the only city I had ever called home in my whole 41 years on earth. I had always wanted to move just not like that. Over a year later I am so isolated from friends, family and the community I once had, it's hard. I love where I live, great healing is on its way and new beginnings some day in the distant future when the universe sees it to be time. But man shit sucks at the moment and it has since that day. I am so tired of being strong and to be the only one to take care of it all. The last year my 11 year old daughters health has taken a u-turn and she is seriously disabled she has some sudden nuro-muscular condition that was triggered somehow and can barely walk or do anything for herself, she can't get herself dressed or put her own shoes on. It's only a matter of time before a wheel chair is needed. My now 16 year old son spent Thanksgiving, his 16th birthday and Christmas all in 2022 in a hospital for his trauma and suicidal thoughts. We have all lost so much and now our family is torn apart and it is just my daughter and I in the house. We didn't celebrate any holiday's this past 2022, It was just a sad reminder of what/who wasn't here..... Family. Icing on the cake when I thought 2023 was a new start, new hope, my Dad suddenly died 9 days into the New Year. I am an optimistic, strong, bad ass warrior and a survivor and I know I will make it, but sometimes I want to be soft and vulnerable and would love someone to take care of me for a change. Being strong all the time is so hard! But I am journaling today to anyone who will listen cause I needed to say/share this truth. I am not ok, but I will be.  ❤

John F Dean wrote:I just spoke with one of the few people I know that I would designate as a friend. He has two cancerous masses in his colon.  I am an RN, I know the medical backstory, but it simply is not good news.  

I am so sorry, sending healing energy to your friend and you. <3

Oh Opal, I'd give you a big hug if I could be there for you. I can't even imagine what you have been through, so hard. I lost my dad very suddenly, but he was 64 and it was natural causes, so not at all comparable really. There are a few Permies threads on grief this one maybe of some help. You are strong, things will get better.

Opal Lia, i hear you and I wish things were easier. You all deserve so much better than this and you're working so hard to take care of your kids in a terrible situation. I will be keeping you in the light and I wish you strength, hopefully things start getting easier.

Thanks everyone for being brave to share your fears and failures, regrets and grief. I think its safe to say we all have every categorize checked there.
i have enjoyed hearing some of the same thoughts that i have had at times when you sew seeds and compost but its still up to nature which seeds bloom.
and yes to be honest many of the seeds i planted to nourish me and my community composted apart of me for better and for worse.

i feel so privileged everyday but a longing to connect more....
in 2017 i recruited my first caretaker, snatched her up from some pot farms in humboldt where despite being profitable is ok ill just say it its a misogynistic environment to down play it even really. Young and eager to start her own permie haven she had been WWOOFing since she was a teenager and quickly had our farm filled with helpers and oh yeah it got real messy at times and I wasnt sure how well community would turn out as you all know most of them take what is given freely and move along. This girl liked to travel a lot and often left her lofty dreams in my hands as she rode off into the sunset with her 2 dogs. young people right...well long story short she has a history of heroin abuse and came across some certainly laced with fentanyl and departed in 2021.

It has been really hard to express how all along us teaching and sharing with others really got under my skin. Ive lost a lot of friends to drugs and suicide. But this person was my sister on this earth and she shared herself so free and was so shinning. Its what makes it such a tragic thing she was a real artist anarchist and defense of ecology a tree stander and all of the best things and many of the worst. 2023 Now im left tilling the dirt and i feel her ghost here playing her guitar and howling at the moon.

Trinity Outpost wrote:Thanks everyone for being brave to share your fears and failures, regrets and grief. I think its safe to say we all have every categorize checked there.
i have enjoyed hearing some of the same thoughts that i have had at times when you sew seeds and compost but its still up to nature which seeds bloom.
and yes to be honest many of the seeds i planted to nourish me and my community composted apart of me for better and for worse.

i feel so privileged everyday but a longing to connect more....
in 2017 i recruited my first caretaker, snatched her up from some pot farms in humboldt where despite being profitable is ok ill just say it its a misogynistic environment to down play it even really. Young and eager to start her own permie haven she had been WWOOFing since she was a teenager and quickly had our farm filled with helpers and oh yeah it got real messy at times and I wasnt sure how well community would turn out as you all know most of them take what is given freely and move along. This girl liked to travel a lot and often left her lofty dreams in my hands as she rode off into the sunset with her 2 dogs. young people right...well long story short she has a history of heroin abuse and came across some certainly laced with fentanyl and departed in 2021.

It has been really hard to express how all along us teaching and sharing with others really got under my skin. Ive lost a lot of friends to drugs and suicide. But this person was my sister on this earth and she shared herself so free and was so shinning. Its what makes it such a tragic thing she was a real artist anarchist and defense of ecology a tree stander and all of the best things and many of the worst. 2023 Now im left tilling the dirt and i feel her ghost here playing her guitar and howling at the moon.

Sending hugs and love, I think sometimes the brightest lights burn out the fastest. Or whatever that saying is..... it can be so true for some of the shiniest "shinning" people.

Checking in, since I've been away from Permies for a while...

I was really really not okay for a while. Went through a moderately strong depressive episode with a series of panic attacks. It was impetus for me to go get help. I feel really lucky that I'm a 4 minute walk away from a public office that offers some mental health support/guidance. I had thought about asking for help before, but never went for professional help until this time.

I just want to tell any of you, if you feel like you can't manage your brain on your own, there's nothing wrong with asking for help. The hard part is knowing where to go.

Anyway, I'm re-organizing my life with fewer ideals, lower standards for myself, less work, and more "hakuna matata". Also, accepting that I needed, and still need professional help to get to where I want to be.

I'm on the way up again.

My presence on permies will still be minimum for a while. Though I'm wishing you all the best in your lives and endeavors.

I'm glad to hear you're on the up and up. Hope you have a great summer and keep feeling better. Thanks for letting us know!

Opal-Lia and Trinity, I hope healing after your devastating losses is gradually seeping in.

L, what a big brave step you've made! I'm glad you're getting help.

Praying for all needs.

L. Johnson wrote:Checking in, since I've been away from Permies for a while...

I was really really not okay for a while. Went through a moderately strong depressive episode with a series of panic attacks. It was impetus for me to go get help. I feel really lucky that I'm a 4 minute walk away from a public office that offers some mental health support/guidance. I had thought about asking for help before, but never went for professional help until this time.

I just want to tell any of you, if you feel like you can't manage your brain on your own, there's nothing wrong with asking for help. The hard part is knowing where to go.

Anyway, I'm re-organizing my life with fewer ideals, lower standards for myself, less work, and more "hakuna matata". Also, accepting that I needed, and still need professional help to get to where I want to be.

I'm on the way up again.

My presence on permies will still be minimum for a while. Though I'm wishing you all the best in your lives and endeavors.

L. I am so glad your getting help. <3 Takes great strength to ask for help. I wondered if you do or would try Yoga and Mudra's https://www.fitsri.com/articles/yoga-mudras-for-anxiety-depression-stress
Love my day's when I do yoga, It calms and centers my body and mind. Mudra's also are a great fix, when you find one or two that really help you feel relaxed just breathe into it and hold it and use as much as needed :-)
I love Donna Eden energy work as well I do a routine almost every morning. She is trippy, but it works so amazing.
once you get it down it only takes a few mins each morning, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Di5Ua44iuXc
Have a great summer!

 

Jane Mulberry wrote:Opal-Lia and Trinity, I hope healing after your devastating losses is gradually seeping in.

L, what a big brave step you've made! I'm glad you're getting help.

Praying for all needs.

Thanks Jane, I appreciate you. Wow how the last 2 months have flown by. I have been doing phone therapy once a week for myself. Things are surely healing and moving, Its all a process. I am slowly collecting the pieces of my soul that were lost and scattered. I try to start each day with https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Di5Ua44iuXc Donna Eden energy work. My mudras for peace and some Yoga a few times a week at home. Spending more time outside and enjoying the bees' and the thunderstorms lately.
:-) Thanks for all the love everyone!

I am so glad healing is happening, Opal-Lia.

Having a sad weekend. My daughter was excited to share her 11th birthday with her new friends who were staying with us. We went to some appt's on Thursday and went shopping for groceries and party supplies after. Made some cool goodie bags and got all the fun birthday decor. We got back at 11pm to find all things dark and quiet..... weird for them. Next morning discovered they had left, no word, just a simple note. No goodbye for my daughter and the worst timing Ever! She was in tears! And now her birthday party has 0 guest. . Like her and I didn't have enough abandonment issues with her dad's death and her brother in a hospital. They could have said something, would have liked a goodbye. I had bought party stuff, solstice stuff, and 4th of July stuff for all of them. My poor daughter really liked her new friends. Now she feels lonely and isolated again. We are making the best of it ( but I am just Mom, not a kid) and we are going to have a great birthday and summer! They know my number if they are ever ready to come back, even just for a visit.
Thanks for listening to my gripe. I hope everyone else on here is well. Maybe my message will reach them too.

Oh Opal, I'm praying for you and your daughter. That is so sad. I know this probably doesn't make anything better but this will make her so strong (which I wish she didn't have to be). I heard a quote, "You become who you needed when no-one came". She will remember this. She will become the girl that always includes other people, always includes the kids that feel left out. She will be a great friend to those who will be lucky enough to call her so- because she knows what it felt like, she remembers what it was like to feel like that.
And it warms my heart that you did all that for your daughter's little party. What a lucky girl to have a mom that goes all out like that! She will remember that as well <3

Almond Thompson wrote:Oh Opal, I'm praying for you and your daughter. That is so sad. I know this probably doesn't make anything better but this will make her so strong (which I wish she didn't have to be). I heard a quote, "You become who you needed when no-one came". She will remember this. She will become the girl that always includes other people, always includes the kids that feel left out. She will be a great friend to those who will be lucky enough to call her so- because she knows what it felt like, she remembers what it was like to feel like that.
And it warms my heart that you did all that for your daughter's little party. What a lucky girl to have a mom that goes all out like that! She will remember that as well <3

Thanks Almond, what a beautiful way of looking at it! I love and appreciate all that you said. And yes, I have always tried to make birthday's a very special for my kids. It's just so hard to see her hurting especially on a day that should be sweet.

So sorry, Opal-Lia. Praying for you and your daughter. Almond shared great wisdom there. You're supporting your daughter to grow up into an amazing adult who knows she is loved. <3