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What Women Want  RSS feed

 
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It's me again, Dale, The Love Guru, loved by some and despised by many.

I thought it would be nice to have a spot where women and men can just state what it is that they want, without getting into the sticky details of past relationships, or discussing their Suicidal Tendencies.

So, this one is just for the women to say exactly what they want in a man, and out of a relationship. After you have made your submission, pop over to the sister thread, where men can say exactly what it is they want. I think many things will be the same, but some will be different.

Men, feel free to respond

People are allowed to want whatever they want. If a toothless old woman wants a hot young stud , that's her business.
.........
Then tell us what the steps you have taken toward getting what you want.
 
pollinator
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Hmm okay I'll bite. I'll paste in my blurb from my OKC profile.

I'm hoping to find someone who can be a friend first - a likeminded guy - and hopefully maybe have something more develop.

He's hard working, reliable, mature, intelligent, self motivated, ambitious and an out of the box thinker. He has goals in life, and is actively working towards achieving them. He's not an extremist and he appreciates independence in a woman.

Someone who is looking for an actual partner in crime, not just someone to do laundry and cook for him. He probably isn't a city guy, but someone who thrives being outside in the wild. And yes - it would be a massive bonus if he is interested in homesteading/permaculture/sustainability/etc.



I could get a lot more specific - dealbreakers include drug use (pot included), anger issues, pornography, cheating, dishonesty, and general douchebaggery. Not particularly interested in video gamers or musicians.

Also of note is that he respects boundaries even if they aren't boundaries he would set himself, he doesn't expect me to do all his emotional labor (like sending mother's day cards to his mom, being the one to always make the phone calls and reservations, etc) and he is a rockstar at empathy and understanding that just because he doesn't feel the same way someone else does on an issue, doesn't mean their perspective is invalid or unimportant.

Extra huge massive bonus for someone who is mechanically inclined and handy.
 
pollinator
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Bethany, when I read your profile post and got to "Someone who is looking for an actual partner in crime", my eyebrows went up.  I immediately pictured you and said partner robbing the local hardware store together.  Kept reading.  Okay, so not an ACTUAL partner in crime.  ;)
 
pollinator
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Wow Bethany that list gave me the giggles. Reminds me of this joke, hope you like jokes. A farmer walks through his field he hears a sqeaky voice go "Help,help!". He looks down where the sound came from, it was a gnome trapped under a branch. The farmer lifts up the branch and saves the gnomes life. The gnome says "Thank you, you saved my life, you may do a wish, anything you want". The farmer says, "I've never been to Europe, but i am afraid of flying i would like a bridge from Chewalah to Paris". The gnome sighs deeply and says" That's extremely difficult to achieve, don't you have another wish?" The farmer says "I am looking for a wife, i'd like a beautiful wife who is cheerful , has a good sense of humour and likes to work hard, always is in the mood for oh-la-la and doesn't like shopping". Gnome replies" What kind of lampposts would you have liked on your bridge,sir."
It just reminded me of that joke, the list of things people want in their partner. Fair enough, aim high, good luck!
 
Dale Hodgins
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I like Bethany's list. Anyone reading that will know if they fit the bill. And it will probably scare off drunkards and layabouts. Nothing wrong with that. It's funny, that crime thing is a regional way of saying that you want a partner. I picture Bonnie and Clyde or the two from Natural Born Killers.
 
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Mickey and Mallory :)
 
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In my experience- more, more, and more. Endless money and endless attention make MOST women very happy.
 
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Rick Kruszewski wrote:In my experience- more, more, and more. Endless money and endless attention make MOST women very happy.



I hope all the women you know aren't like that. We definitely are NOT all like that.

 
Dale Hodgins
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In the Midnight Hour, she cried more more more,,, more  more more more more..... Billy Idol.

Rick, if it's money that she's yelling about, you are doing it wrong.😂😂😂
 
Gail Gardner
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Dale Hodgins wrote:So, this one is just for the women to say exactly what they want in a man, and out of a relationship.



I'll do this a little differently:

DEAL KILLERS (so they can stop reading right away): smoking of any kind; no drugs of any kind; not a drinker (a drink on special occasions or wine now and then isn't an issue - just drinking regularly would be); violent or abusive (emotionally or physically); not cold (must be kind and affectionate).

The perfect man would know what he wants and that would include building towards a self-sufficient life starting with a duck coop, maybe some chickens, a greenhouse, raised beds, and a food forest. He would like to do some things together, but not everything.

I greatly admire a man who is handy with his hands and would be happy to lend a hand to assist him and don't mind if we do things his way. As long as it isn't a safety issue, his way is fine with me.

He would put Our Creator, Jeshua, and the Holy Spirit first in his life (before money and things) and any family he is raising, our place and me second. He would be willing to lead, but also listen to my input and consider me a partner in his life.

Liking horses and not minding one well-behaved, quiet inside dog (or more if he has them) is essential. Liking to sing or play the guitar or be musical in any way would be nice, but isn't a requirement. :-)

Mutual respect and communication is key to having a happy, healthy relationship. You can't just go along and then complain years later that it wasn't what you wanted to do. Speak up and say what you want. I don't yell, scream, threaten or throw things and hope he wouldn't, either.

Prefer home-bodies as I have no desire to travel the world or even locally. If he wants or needs to go places, that is ok. Just don't expect me to want to leave the homestead and travel. Living out in the country far from everything suits me best. I have never lived in an apartment or even in a city and wouldn't want to do that now.

Being reasonable goes a long way. I can earn a living from anywhere I can get internet access and control how much I work and how much I earn. The reasonable part comes in that you either work less and make less or work more (and have less time for other things) and make more.

To better understand me, I have a long-term lease and live on 160 acres of mostly trees with 5 horses and 1 dog. I only leave the property maybe 3 times a year. My plan is to build a duck yard and coop, raised beds, a greenhouse, and plant lots of fruit and nut trees.

I leased this place because the land owner said I can plant whatever I want wherever I want. And he doesn't mind if I build raised beds, get ducks, or build a greenhouse (or many greenhouses).

Since someone else brought up money, I should mention that I earn what I need to cover overhead which is intentionally low. I dress practically (no make-up, no heels, no fashion, don't buy jewelry or gadgets) - just sturdy shoes and typically jeans and a comfortable shirt.

Most of my life I have not even owned a television. I have internet and work online. I collect practical things: a dehydrator, crock pot, bread machine, 2 canners, and need to collect garden tools and tools to build things (as they grew legs thanks to people who don't know where I live so they can't appropriate anything else).

The man in my life might use the internet a little or a lot. He probably wouldn't have a smart phone and if he did, he wouldn't mind keeping it away from me. (I am RF sensitive.) I can't have WiFi on or any transmitting devices close to me for health reasons.

Not having ambitions of piling up money suits me just fine. Having plenty of seeds, food, and necessities on hand is better than money. As long as he pulls his own weight most of the time (meaning he does anything that benefits us in some way), what he makes or whether he chooses to stay on the homestead and get it going doesn't matter.
 
Sonja Draven
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You know what love is and treasure it, but don’t give your love easily, nor on a whim.  You’re looking for an equal, someone to climb on your pedestal with you, roll around in the mud together, crawl out of the rut we’re stuck in.

You look at me - with laughter in your eyes at my dry wit, subtle humor, desire for my body and what we can do together, compassion for the things I’ve endured and admiration for my strength, love for me and appreciation for the friendship we share.

You have a body that shows you care for yourself and value my attraction for you, and you’re addiction and disease free.  Even when sweaty and greasy and dirty, to me you smell divine.  I drive you crazy, push your buttons, tease you to let go, forget where we are.

I trust you with who I really am and what I really want, and vice versa.

You’re looking for me like I’m looking for you – with hope mixed with skepticism - and a drive for self-improvement and reaching every goal and dream you’ve set for yourself, not while you’re waiting for me but because it’s who you are.  You’re frugal, financially careful, and yet splurge on those things you value.

You dance with me, maybe you sing with me (even if your voice sucks), you value fidelity, and I never fear you, view our possessions with an eye for how we would divide them up when it doesn’t work, when I can’t deal with your shit anymore.  

We are the same in our commitment to us, trust, love, compassion, respect and honesty, yet different in other ways - enough to keep it interesting.  You’re weird and abnormal, zany and quirky in ways that are different and yet so adorable.  You are passionate about life, your hobbies and interests, your friends, your honor.

I lose time daydreaming of you, remembering your touch, the way we make each other feel, the life we share together -Yet I’m grounded in the present, focused and strong, more than I’ve ever been, peaceful in the knowledge that it’s right and even while we both know we are solitary on our individual paths we are on this journey together.

If you exist, you’re all these things.

But I suspect you don’t.
 
Bethany Dutch
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Hugo Morvan wrote:Wow Bethany that list gave me the giggles. Reminds me of this joke, hope you like jokes. A farmer walks through his field he hears a sqeaky voice go "Help,help!". He looks down where the sound came from, it was a gnome trapped under a branch. The farmer lifts up the branch and saves the gnomes life. The gnome says "Thank you, you saved my life, you may do a wish, anything you want". The farmer says, "I've never been to Europe, but i am afraid of flying i would like a bridge from Chewalah to Paris". The gnome sighs deeply and says" That's extremely difficult to achieve, don't you have another wish?" The farmer says "I am looking for a wife, i'd like a beautiful wife who is cheerful , has a good sense of humour and likes to work hard, always is in the mood for oh-la-la and doesn't like shopping". Gnome replies" What kind of lampposts would you have liked on your bridge,sir."
It just reminded me of that joke, the list of things people want in their partner. Fair enough, aim high, good luck!



😂 It's true! I know I have high standards... but the nice thing about being comfortable as a single person, is that I can be choosy. I'd rather be single than stuck in a relationship with a dead weight dude or someone who doesn't fit the bill of what I want.
 
Bethany Dutch
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Rick Kruszewski wrote:In my experience- more, more, and more. Endless money and endless attention make MOST women very happy.



That really depends! LOL. I have my own money, I don't need it from a man and I definitely need my solitude so endless attention would make me absolutely crazy.
 
Bethany Dutch
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Sonja Draven wrote:You know what love is and treasure it, but don’t give your love easily, nor on a whim.  You’re looking for an equal, someone to climb on your pedestal with you, roll around in the mud together, crawl out of the rut we’re stuck in.

You look at me - with laughter in your eyes at my dry wit, subtle humor, desire for my body and what we can do together, compassion for the things I’ve endured and admiration for my strength, love for me and appreciation for the friendship we share.

You have a body that shows you care for yourself and value my attraction for you, and you’re addiction and disease free.  Even when sweaty and greasy and dirty, to me you smell divine.  I drive you crazy, push your buttons, tease you to let go, forget where we are.

I trust you with who I really am and what I really want, and vice versa.

You’re looking for me like I’m looking for you – with hope mixed with skepticism - and a drive for self-improvement and reaching every goal and dream you’ve set for yourself, not while you’re waiting for me but because it’s who you are.  You’re frugal, financially careful, and yet splurge on those things you value.

You dance with me, maybe you sing with me (even if your voice sucks), you value fidelity, and I never fear you, view our possessions with an eye for how we would divide them up when it doesn’t work, when I can’t deal with your shit anymore.  

We are the same in our commitment to us, trust, love, compassion, respect and honesty, yet different in other ways - enough to keep it interesting.  You’re weird and abnormal, zany and quirky in ways that are different and yet so adorable.  You are passionate about life, your hobbies and interests, your friends, your honor.

I lose time daydreaming of you, remembering your touch, the way we make each other feel, the life we share together -Yet I’m grounded in the present, focused and strong, more than I’ve ever been, peaceful in the knowledge that it’s right and even while we both know we are solitary on our individual paths we are on this journey together.

If you exist, you’re all these things.

But I suspect you don’t.



That's poetry... beautiful!
 
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Sonja - I agree with Bethany - heartfelt, authentic, beautiful. Know he exists and is looking for you too. May I add one of my favorite words, for me - INTERDEPENDENT and lots of fun, playfulness and laughter. This life is too short.

Rick Kruszewski wrote:

In my experience- more, more, and more. Endless money and endless attention make MOST women very happy.



Rick - I hold you with compassion, it sounds painful and frustrating, and I suspect your picker (yes, I spelled that correctly) is off. Something in your childhood? What energy are you holding that this is who is attracted to you, or what you bring out in them? May I suggest going to the "What men want" forum and, after some careful consideration, state what you want with all your heart, POSITIVELY. If you think it, if you can see it, if you KNOW it, you can co-create it.
 
Sonja Draven
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Thank you, Bethany and Lee.  :)
 
Mother Tree
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Maybe I'm just weird but all I really look for is someone that trusts me totally, that I trust totally, and that I can be myself with.  We can work together on anything else.

But then, the pool of men I trust totally is pretty small I guess...
 
Dale Hodgins
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Better to have that small pool of men that you trust.

Because there's a large Cesspool of men, who may not be so trustworthy.
 
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When I was younger, I probably had a long list of "requirements" that at this point really don't matter to me. I've learned that a certain things I was willing to skimp on in the past, are really necessary. I think we all want healthy, loving relationships. What that requires is the same across the board... healthy boundaries, compassion, respect. The love for your partner to forgive mistakes, and the love for yourself to be willing to end it if you need to.
So... what do I want in a mate.
Sincere/honest/genuine-- he needs to tell the truth, and to use words to communicate, not manipulate. | I need to be honest with myself, and be willing to receive help, not just give it, even though it makes me feel vulnerable.
Common direction in life-- we need to more or less believe the same things in terms of religion, ethics and intended lifestyle. I can't "be one" with an athiest any more than I can "be one" with someone who likes shopping at wal-mart. If someone's not already pushing towards permaculture, any effort they make to do so for my sake will be temporary.
Mental/emotional compatibility-- I need a lot of quiet and I need those conversations I do engage in, to be meaningful. I'm smart and eccentric and interactions with people who aren't, are more or less like interactions with children to me.
Meets his own physical needs-- food, water, shelter etc. If I push myself I can provide these for myself plus one, but it creates a toxic dynamic. I won't watch someone go without so I need someone who will see to his own basic needs at least, so I don't overwork myself trying to compensate for his lack, and make him feel immasculated or whatever.
Willing to try unfamiliar foods/eat vegetables-- this may seem petty, but I invariably adjust my diet to match my mate's preferences for convenience. I get fat and miserable when I don't get as many vegetables and fruits as I need. Food is important to me. I like food. I like for my food to taste good. I get really sad and mopey when I have to eat pasta and bread all the time.
Chemistry and fun-- I like to go for adventures. Think hitchhiking, really long walks, traveling, traveling, trying new things. I don't find very many men physically attractive, which is really inconvenient but definitely not my fault. Luckily the ones I am attracted to usually are not considered good looking by most other women. The most important factors are hair color and noses. The funnier looking a guy's nose is, the cuter I probably think he is.
So... honest-respectful-independent-christian-permaculturist-traveling-smartypants-weirdo. Who likes vegetables. Who won't take it personally if I have to cry for no apparent reason. With a funny nose.
There are some "flaws" that I find endearing... impulsive assuming he's not violent/can control himself. Broke as a joke-- I don't value money beyond what I need to meet my basic needs. Shortness makes for good judo practioners. I tend to stay more interested in people who are little crazy. It's okay if the lake's a little turbulent, as long as it's deep.
I don't care if he can drive or not, as long as it's not because of unpaid child support.
Also I hate it if dudes who never post in the forums PM me. I hate it lots.
 
pollinator
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I've always looked for a soul mate. Someone with whom there's mutual understanding, shared values and also challenging each other.

When I was younger I didn't realize this isn't enough for a healthy relationship. Due to my chaotic childhood I didn't know that the basic pillars for healthy relationships are love, care, trust and respect.

So I ended up in relationships where although there was connection and interesting discussions, there wasn't trust and respect. A few years down the road there wasn't much love left either.

I didn't realize how big my own issues were. The biggest issues were with low self esteem and boundaries, or lack of them.

It took years of intensive working on myself to get me to a point where I actually was interested in guys like my husband. He is not perfect either and has his own issues, but he works on them.

The steps I've taken and I still take to make our relationship healthier are about working on my own issues. I went to therapy for a long time. I've also studied on my own, and found many helpful resources, too many to list them all. However, one stands above all others and it's Natalie Lue's website Baggage Reclaim.



 
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I want to be with a man who is able to receive my love. I want to have someone to hold and appreciate. He will love to live with me on my permsculture farm and live sustainably and  co create beautiful gardens and ponds with me and mother nature.  He will appreciate my talents and skills. He is trustworthy andkind and he believes in the golden rule. He has integrity and compassion and is physically strong. He is honest and spiritual.
 
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Sonja Draven wrote:You know what love is and treasure it, but don’t give your love easily, nor on a whim.  You’re looking for an equal, someone to climb on your pedestal with you, roll around in the mud together, crawl out of the rut we’re stuck in.

You look at me - with laughter in your eyes at my dry wit, subtle humor, desire for my body and what we can do together, compassion for the things I’ve endured and admiration for my strength, love for me and appreciation for the friendship we share.

You have a body that shows you care for yourself and value my attraction for you, and you’re addiction and disease free.  Even when sweaty and greasy and dirty, to me you smell divine.  I drive you crazy, push your buttons, tease you to let go, forget where we are.

I trust you with who I really am and what I really want, and vice versa.

You’re looking for me like I’m looking for you – with hope mixed with skepticism - and a drive for self-improvement and reaching every goal and dream you’ve set for yourself, not while you’re waiting for me but because it’s who you are.  You’re frugal, financially careful, and yet splurge on those things you value.

You dance with me, maybe you sing with me (even if your voice sucks), you value fidelity, and I never fear you, view our possessions with an eye for how we would divide them up when it doesn’t work, when I can’t deal with your shit anymore.  

We are the same in our commitment to us, trust, love, compassion, respect and honesty, yet different in other ways - enough to keep it interesting.  You’re weird and abnormal, zany and quirky in ways that are different and yet so adorable.  You are passionate about life, your hobbies and interests, your friends, your honor.

I lose time daydreaming of you, remembering your touch, the way we make each other feel, the life we share together -Yet I’m grounded in the present, focused and strong, more than I’ve ever been, peaceful in the knowledge that it’s right and even while we both know we are solitary on our individual paths we are on this journey together.

If you exist, you’re all these things.

But I suspect you don’t.



I am amazed with your reply, majorly how you reflected whatever you had in your mind. This lets me respect the womenism even more, but if it's true. Not everyone is same here in this world...
 
Sonja Draven
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Thank you, Amit.  Sounds like we have hope and skepticism in common.  :)
 
Amit Ahuja
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Yeah, but if you don't have hope from anything, you live a better life....that's my side. Keeping hope disappoints, not today but somewhere tomorrow and it's a rule of life.
 
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There are so many good insights and quotes here. I laughed out loud reading about a man enjoying WalMart shopping. Does anyone like WalMart shopping, much less a man? The clean and disease free comment was hilarious. I see that other people have also had a hard time finding their person. Ugh.
 
Sonja Draven
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Amit Ahuja wrote:Yeah, but if you don't have hope from anything, you live a better life....that's my side. Keeping hope disappoints, not today but somewhere tomorrow and it's a rule of life.


Hope is half of what keeps me going during the dark times.  I understand your viewpoint though.  I have gained a lot from studying Buddhism and detachment and releasing expectations can be very helpful.
 
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I think everyone's biggest problem(s) is that their expectations are impossible or that they themselves aren't worthy/compatible with what they say they want. First find reasonable standards based on your own principles then, become those standards yourself before you look/wait for the other. My dad always said, "be worthy of what you want before you worry about anything else."  
 
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I’ll play! The brutally honest version:

First and most crucially, I want a man whose company I don’t feel relieved to be rid of/actually look forward to being around. There are lots of really great men who, through no fault of their own, do not meet this criteria. I am an introvert and a loner, so it is extremely rare for me to not think, after any given social engagement, including virtually all dates, “Thank god, now I can take off all my clothes and sprawl out and read about rope splicing or whatever in BLESSED SILENCE without anyone existing near me. YAY.” And then, if he wants to see me again, I am like, “Ugh, but I was going to lie in the bathtub with my tea and think about trees, I will tell him I already have plans.” This filter is honestly kind of a problem for me, and is probably 98% of the reason I’m still single. Things that help him along include him liking to read, liking his alone time, being an interesting and wide-ranging conversationalist, being able to hang out without having to socialize or be entertained constantly, and generally having other interests he can go pursue without hanging on me all the time. Things that kill it include coming on too strong, being “charming” or flattering (this just makes me uncomfortable), being too puppyish, being a go-go-go-let’s-party-let’s-go-do-something excessively energetic type, generally being demanding or pushy or critical (as a personality trait or pattern of behavior), or being a boring dude with no significant interests or opinions (if his main hobbies are watching TV and sports, RUN).

I want to be physically attracted to the guy. I don’t have a single “type”; I can fall for tall/dark/exotic, or kind of delicate/pale & interesting/scholarly type, or urbane and gentlemanly, or outdoorsy in a particular way, but I must confess that the beer-gutted, balding, doughy-torso-shirtless-lawn-mowing good ol’ boys of my hometown don’t generally do it for me. All that being said, there was one guy I had a totally mysterious crush on in my early twenties; he was about my height (5’6”), pale in a kind of dead fish way, borderline obese, had a bushy black beard (I don’t like facial hair), and had these goofy round rosy cheeks and a general resemblance to a garden gnome. He literally lived in his parents’ basement and lived off Mountain Dew and played video games in all his free time. I tried to seduce him with tabletop gaming and long discussions about our favorite fantasy novels, but he never would take the bait. Point being, sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don’t, often it makes no sense, but there’s gotta be a spark.

I can go for a pretty wide age range, from about 19 to mid/late 40s (I’m 30), maybe even a bit older if they carry it with panache, but my preference is someone about my own age.

I really prefer to be in charge of things, in terms of general life plans and how things are done. Like, I am not a control freak and do not at ALL want to micromanage anyone ever, but if I decide there is something significant I want to be doing or somewhere I choose to go, or a project I want to take on, I am not happy being thwarted, although I can just about tolerate having to discuss it with someone first, and can maybe compromise? I would almost always rather give up the relationship than give up whatever thing it is I have decided to do. This is an especially hard row to hoe, in that I often want to do non-mainstream things (homesteading, long-distance hiking, living in my vehicle or aboard a boat, etc.) and there are not an enormous number of guys who are willing to just shrug and go along with that. Even fewer of them who are not spineless deadbeats or excessively woo-woo hipsterish sensitive artist/musician types (not really my thing, especially if they use drugs, and regular/heavy drinking/drugs are a no). He doesn’t necessarily have to join in with all my projects, just not hassle me about doing what I want and/or be willing to tag along when necessary, but it would be cool if we could partner up on some of my weird enthusiasms. I would be willing to go along with some of his stuff too...unless I think it’s dumb or boring.

Obviously I would eventually need to be in love with the man and be certain that he loved me back, as a complete person of whom he actually has some understanding. I need to trust the guy and be trusted. Mutual respect and admiration. Intellectual rapport. Compatible senses of humor. We can’t stress each other out all the time or make each other miserable on an ongoing basis. The basics.

...pretty sure I’m going to be single forever, but luckily I don’t mind.
 
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There is a warehouse we pass on the way to our favourite bar in Southampton.  It is called the Baggery.  I am so going that way after dark with a spray can and a step ladder......thanks for the idea, Bethany!
 
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Jennifer, I think what you're looking for is pretty similar to what most women and men here want or already have.  My impression is that a lot of us here have a very similar outlook on most things, which I guess shouldn't surprise me.  

My experience is that you can't change people, so you have to find someone who has the big things you look for and the stuff you don't agree on isn't an issue for you.  People can change on their own, but it's very rare, but it doesn't mean that, with the right person and the right approach, they won't come around.

Jennifer Richardson wrote:
...pretty sure I’m going to be single forever, but luckily I don’t mind.



I doubt that (that you'll be single, not that you don't mind), but I know it can seem like that at times, especially for introverts.  I find that I have to put in the effort to be open to a person to give them a chance.  I usually don't bother with much on the first date beyond 'Are there any deal-breakers?'  If not, it's worth a second or third date to see if there's any spark.  People can be nervous as hell on the first date, so their true personality doesn't come across well.

If you're willing to travel, there seems to be a fair bit of activity in the singles area here.  I know I would have been interested in several of the women who've posted there, but I can only work in the US or Mexico as an engineer and, while I could move to Europe, I'd have to jump through some hoops and I may be confined to England or Holland.  

Best of luck to everyone!
 
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