Uneasy relationships with parents—Why? How can it be transformed?

My mother has always felt stressed and fearful of judgement when she is around my grandmother. I also feel stressed and fearful of judgement whenever I am around my own parents. I am always trying to be loving and kind but the critical and disrespectful comments, and general cold atmosphere,  are constantly wearing away at any kind of equanimity I have built up. At some point I just have no energy at all and just close up. I believe that this is a malady of the lineage, and also that it is disturbingly common.

I’m interested in why this  happens, and especially in finding societies and cultures where it happens minimally or not  at all, and piecing together what went wrong. I’m not so much interested in advice as stories. Have you overcome something like this? And where/when, in saner cultures, has this been rare or negligible?

Edit: to be clear, I’m working off of the assumption that this kind of way to be together is an unnatural one. I could be wrong, but it seems like a really maladaptive behavior for the human species to commonly not be able to tolerate their family.

In the best of families, family dynamics can be difficult.  The way that worked for me was to not play the game more than I have to. I live maybe 300 miles from my nearest relative out side of my household.  The last time I called a family member was 20 years ago….the time before that was 20 years earlier.  I am civil when they call me…which is rare.   The last time I visited a family member was over 40 years ago.

John F Dean wrote:In the best of families, family dynamics can be difficult.  The way that worked for me was to not play the game more than I have to. I live maybe 300 miles from my nearest relative out side of my household.  The last time I called a family member was 20 years ago….the time before that was 20 years earlier.  I am civil when they call me…which is rare.   The last time I visited a family member was over 40 years ago.

I’m glad you found something that works for you, though I’m really hoping to avoid it coming to that. But maybe it will anyway—time will tell. Thank you for the story.

Maieshe Ljin wrote:I’m interested in why this  happens, and especially in finding societies and cultures where it happens minimally or not  at all, and piecing together what went wrong. I’m not so much interested in advice as stories. Have you overcome something like this? And where/when, in saner cultures, has this been rare or negligible?

I don't know if it's as much of a culture thing.  Some families seem to build each other up or support one another, some don't.  I can definitely see how it can be inherited in a lineage.  I could see some cultural tendencies that shift everyone's families a bit one way or another.  

I don't have a story other than my parents felt loved and supported by their parents and I feel loved and supported by mine.  Nothing needed to be overcome so it's a boring story.  I suspect my sort of situation happens culture-wide, world-wide.

Maieshe Ljin wrote: I am always trying to be loving and kind but the critical and disrespectful comments, and general cold atmosphere, are constantly wearing away at any kind of equanimity I have built up.

Is it possible to make these stop by calling them out when they happen? Someone I know does "point-and-call" when this type of thing happens, although I do not, and I need to learn to do so.

Back in the 1930s and earlier I feel families were more important and had close ties to each other.

I see a pattern with each generation growing further apart.

Our parents' generation were very close-knit. My generation not so much.

Though nowadays it seems that the husband/wife/children are closer and use the `I love you` much more than in previous generations.

Anne Miller wrote:Back in the 1930s and earlier I feel families were more important and had close ties to each other.

I see a pattern with each generation growing further apart.

Our parents' generation were very close-knit. My generation not so much.

Though nowadays it seems that the husband/wife/children are closer and use the `I love you` much more than in previous generations.

This is interesting to hear, thank you. My grandmother on my father’s side was born in the 1920s; on my mother’s side, the 1940s. There is a very different paradigm than in the times when they grew up—one in the Depression, the other in the 40s and 50s. And on my father’s side, there is less of an issue between my father and his mother. Both the Depression and the present day are times of economic difficulty, though the former was more dramatic. I’m not as clear on the specifics, but I wonder if other people’s experience with parents and grandparents would shed any light on whether this is a reasonable correlation.

Rachel Lindsay wrote:

Maieshe Ljin wrote: I am always trying to be loving and kind but the critical and disrespectful comments, and general cold atmosphere, are constantly wearing away at any kind of equanimity I have built up.

Is it possible to make these stop by calling them out when they happen? Someone I know does "point-and-call" when this type of thing happens, although I do not, and I need to learn to do so.

Thank you for the advice. Maybe I can start using this with some of the milder disrespectful comments that come up.

It took a long time to arrive at this conclusion. I wish it had happened sooner.

It's fairly simple for children to resent parents. Afterall, "They are parents", (not people). "They should have done better." -They are not former children. Just parents. So the children often seem to never realize that their parents had many of the same experiences, and same traumas as the kids now have. There just isn't a lot of realization that the parents are just grown-up kids, who are also (still) trying to make their way through life.

So, for me, the getting over all the anger issues or hurts and possibly painful memories, really just came down to, -forgiveness. It wasn't the forgiveness of, "You wronged me, or did something I didn't like. I forgive you.". It was the simple forgiveness of realizing that they had done the best they could. My parents were not perfect. But they did the best they could. Just like I am trying to do the best I can. We all do the best we can.  He was the best father he could be. She was the best mother she could be. Neither were the very best father or mother I could have wanted or imagined. But they did the best they were capable of. Not so much else matters.

John F Dean wrote:In the best of families, family dynamics can be difficult.  The way that worked for me was to not play the game more than I have to. I live maybe 300 miles from my nearest relative out side of my household.  The last time I called a family member was 20 years ago….the time before that was 20 years earlier.  I am civil when they call me…which is rare.   The last time I visited a family member was over 40 years ago.

I couldnt agree more... i left the family nest at 16 and never looked back. i live in another country. Distance sometimes is necessary. I dont wish them evil.... i just give them enough rope......😂

Just because they are family it does not allow for toxic behaviour, if they leave you depleted or feeling sad, depressed or less than.... YOU DONT NEED THEM.

YT has plenty of therapists talking about this.... society has the masochistic idea to "hang in there" because they are family..... imo if it feels "off" bin it.

I grew up in a family where mother in law jokes made no sense to me.
My parents were tight with their own folks and their inlaws.
While often rebelled against my parents, it wasn't usually  because I thought they were wrong.
My sister's and I are very tight.
Even the bohemian one is like that cat that always comes back.
She never misses a Christmas.

It took years for me to recognize how fortunate I am to have the family I do.
Even our spouses tend to migrate towards our family of origen over their own.
We are not without troubles and faults, but we give each other tremendous amounts of grace.

I have some family that I love from a distance.
They have hurt me, so I don't purposefully engage with them.
Each time I do encounter them, I expect the worst.
Even for the family I love spending time with, I believe withdrawal is often the right response to feeling hurt.
Leaving a bad situation gives all parties involved time to think and it's a non violent form of control for yourself as well as the other person.

I think confronting people about the things they say or do is generous.
Instead of cutting them loose, you are giving them an opportunity to do better.
Asking why someone is doing something hurtful to you is a form of respect that not everyone deserves, so if your question/objections is dismissed,  you have gained valuable insight.

I've had someone reveal to me that they thought I owed them a living.
I still love them , but I dont purposefully engage with them.
Rather I mourn the life they could have had and I steer my resources away from them.
Not everyone in my family sees them the same way I do and that causes lots of conflict.
It breaks my heart daily, but I have other loved ones who see me as more than a mealticket and it is upon them that I try to concentrate my attention.
I cannot control anyone else's behavior, but I can control my exposure to said behavior.

Generally, since the 1960's, when you get old and sick, your family is going to put you in a nursing home to be poorly cared for by strangers until you die lonely.

Generally, since the 1890's, when you are a child your family is going to force you to attend a government school for the majority of your waking existence, where you will be judged on how fast you learn a lot of nonsensical material in a prison like environment and be punished constantly.

Generally, as a young man, you are expected by your family to sacrifice your life in a vain and nonsensical war at the pleasure of the elites, and then spend the rest of your working life making rich people richer.

Generally, as a young woman, you are expected to spend your time enriching rich people at the cost of denying your time, energy, and love to your own family.

It is rather odd to think that any family loyalty or respect should exist inside of the framework of these realities.  Why would they/you have these loyalties? These people have betrayed/will be betrayed by you. They and you will make excuses about what they have done/will do, but the facts are the facts.

The family as a cohesive unit that cares and loves for one another has long, generally, been a fiction.

I agree that some families are happy and harmonious and some are not.
I come from a few lines that have been troubled as far back as anyone can remember: before compulsory schooling, before daylight savings time, before timeclocks, before rubber-soled shoes. Probably before bronze tools and domesticated animals!
I'm with John-- I put distance between myself and family stress. My in-laws are now my close family, because they don't do drama the way my blood relatives do. As an adult I was able to build a strong relationship with one parent, but not anyone else. I understand that these folks are just doing the best they can, and that is fine. Me too. But there are limits, and when I started my own family I decided to cut that feature out of our family tree, and my kid grew up without it.
I encourage you to read about setting boundaries. It's not too much to expect people to treat you like a person. It's hard and it doesn't always work, but in the end you have to live with yourself, and you never can go wrong respecting yourself.

Hi Tereza,

Although I am not a practitioner of Transactional Analysis, it does contain a few gems. One is “ an individual can always choose not to play the game.” It is my feeling that when another individual or group has placed that individual in a niche and works to keep the individual there to his/ her detriment, it is time to move on. Of course, those are individual decisions.

I have a really tough time with exactly this question. I keep my own parents at an arm's length for my own comfort and security. My childhood was marked by a strange, confusing combination of abandonment/alienation and crossed boundaries. The message from my parents was, essentially, that I couldn't expect much from them, but their expectations of me were exceedingly high.

I don't think they were awful parents, and I don't say all of this to bash them. On some level they were doing the best they could with their own unhealed trauma. I can hold both - they hurt me in a lot of avoidable, irresponsible ways and they didn't mean to do it. We have a cordial relationship now that suits us all. My honest, kind, supportive relationships are with my friends now. In many ways, I've chosen my own family. This is a pretty common experience for young queer folk like me, but it seems to be becoming more common. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with relying on your found family rather than your biological family if that's what's right for you. I do think that, even if we choose to go low- or no-contact with our biological families, we each have a responsibility to identify and heal from family trauma in order to avoid passing it on to the next generation.

My partner and I are choosing not to have children, but our chosen family members do have kids of their own. These kids are also part of my community now, and I'm delighted to help support them. So to ensure I'm not regurgitating my own trauma onto these younger members of my community, I'm working hard to address it head-on. I think that's how we move away from this as a culture (if it's not too lofty to say so) - by breaking that cycle of trauma and neglect and making sure the toxicity ends with us.

There are things my parents did, and do, well and things they don't.  I can't expect them to be perfect parents, because they are humans and thus by their nature are imperfect.  I think if the good outweighs the bad then its worth staying in relationship.  If the bad outweighs the good, then and only then should someone consider ending that relationship with family.

Its absolutely okay for you to say to your mom something like "I feel like Grandma judges you and you judge me, its a cycle that runs in our line and we can stop it if we choose and I want you to choose that,I know you love me and want the best for me, but what's best for each person is different, you and I aren't the same so you can't fully know what's best for me, because you are not me."  Something like that.

I think today people are very no-contact happy, they're almost looking for reasons to do it and thus have less obligations to handle.  I think things like ticktock have exaserbated this.  However I do think there are times when contact does indeed need to end.  I guess its all about balance.

I can't say whether any specific person should or should not have contact with family, because each situation is different.  But I do think its important to find a way to stand up for yourself and at least give them a chance to work on it.

My parents love to tell me what to do.  My mother is finally working on it.  My father still struggles with it.  I know its coming from a place of love and wanting to protect me in some sideways backwards way.  He does a lot of amazing things in addition to this dreadfully frustrating behaviour.  And so, since the good outweighs the bad I want to stay close with him, and I'm working on helping him slooooooowly learn to be less bossy.  Will I ever fully succede?  Probably not.  But I visit with him often and we live far enough apart that we don't have to see each other every day, and that space helps us to have more fun when we visit, I go over to spend time with him one or two evenings a week.  And we just got back from a vacation together.

I find that, when my husband is with us, my dad behaves better.  And I think I behave better too, because I don't "take the bait" and argue with him, and he doesn't push my buttons as often.  So having my husband with us works great if we're going to share space for more than an evening.

Hey Natalie Rose, welcome to Permies!

Calling out behavior sounds harsh, but I think I get your meaning. There have been a lot of research findings in recent times that study these dynamics and they've come up with strategies to deal with them. It seems likely to me that it is learned behavior, and it can be hard to stop. Honestly, some people never will change, even if they know that it hurts you or damages you.

Stay away from rational arguments as to why such behavior is hurtful. Try to reach behind their words to find the real message or origination of their statement.

"When you said X, what I heard was Y. Is that what you meant?"

Try to keep the conversation calm but curious on your end.

"I feel..." statements can also be powerful.

"When you say X, it makes me feel Y."

If they truly aren't aware that their behavior is hurtful, these responses clear that up. You may see improvement if you coach them on how to communicate with you. If they are aware and don't care that it hurts you, your path is clearer.

j

Rachel Lindsay wrote:

Maieshe Ljin wrote: I am always trying to be loving and kind but the critical and disrespectful comments, and general cold atmosphere, are constantly wearing away at any kind of equanimity I have built up.

Is it possible to make these stop by calling them out when they happen? Someone I know does "point-and-call" when this type of thing happens, although I do not, and I need to learn to do so.

https://youtu.be/b_mVil-m6CE?si=0eIPTqqVqllSm5My

Dr Ramani. Worth a listen

she also has podcasts talking about
Golden child
scapegoat
Narcissistic families/abuse
CPTSD
gaslighting
narcissistic rage
No contact

One can squeeze a lemon and get juice but never a chair. One can get emotions from normal humans but never from narcissists or psychopaths.

I wish there was a society or culture who had this all figured out, that we could all learn from.  But as far as I know all societies struggle with some of these challenges in some way or another.

Thank you all for your responses. I have read through them and found a lot of different interesting perspectives.

In my situation we have mostly all loved each other, but also have acted like we are enemies plenty of the time. To me this feels very wrong in my heart, and I’ve come to believe that it is this enmity within the family that fuels at a small scale a substantial part of what is wrong with the direction of the world at large. I don’t think everyone has to make peace with their family—there are many situations where this isn’t a suitable option—but I think everyone should try the following.

I think I’ve figured out something—a sort of mindfulness—that works relatively well for me so far, and I’ve had the opportunity to test it.

First it took helpful advice from the hypnopompic state. During the mental purity of the first moment of waking, the thought came that although wisdom is developed through the mind, equanimity must be found in the body. And having applied this—maintaining or creating awareness of the entire body during difficult situations—doing so allows tension to melt and an equanimous mindstate to arise. I had the opportunity to test it at a family event, at which point there were plenty of words that could have (on my part) lead to feeling hurt, getting lost in rumination, etc. even though they weren’t intended that way. And it did work—I didn’t really feel stressed, only a little irritated when things like that came up.

Since then I have been practicing this way all the time, and it seems to consistently help with not just being less passive in family interactions, but with any major or minor stressor. The main issue is that thoughts of doubt—insidious—can worm themselves in like quack grass or Japanese knotweed, and if one does not weed them out then they can take over and destroy this equanimity. But the doubt, when still young, seems manageable by allowing awareness to settle through the body and calm it, and then to look the doubt in the eye and think to the doubt, “I see you”. Finally one might concentrate upon sensory reality and create a break between thoughts. Other hindrances can appear too—craving, fear and anxiety, and so on. It helps to remember that whatever it is, it is possible to respond calmly and still be (even more) effective.

To put it in a few words: Calm the body, then the mind. It is also similar to Buddhist methods of mindfulness.

I think it seems to be really helpful to me. I have shared it with another person who has also benefited from it.

Now as you are reading it, take a few seconds to try it—pay attention to the entire body and sense the tension that is being held, and as you do so, allow it to melt.

And now see what has changed in your mind. I am guessing that your thoughts have slowed down quite a bit, become more intentional and easier to manage; you have become more aware of your surroundings. If there are disturbing thoughts, then see through them and concentrate on what is before you.

This feels to me more practical than trying to make others change for me, and because of that, liberating. The problem was never that my parents were evil, just stressed, and stress is contagious. If you are taking care of someone with COVID, then wear a mask. With this equanimity it is possible to be peaceful and kind, to recognize the goodness and humanity in everyone and respond to their stress in ways that don’t make the other person feel they’re your enemy. That way it may be that the cycle of enmity is broken, though what will become of our relationships in the future, I am not yet sure; that depends on the choices we all make.

I'm so happy you've found some mindfulness practices/ techniques that are helping you cope with stress, familial and otherwise!

    I like how you make the connection between the family and our greater family the world. Infact I believe that realization is at the heart of what permaculture is about.
     Stress is a proper reaction to suffering. All living things lash out or withdrawal when they are suffering.  The suffering we experience in our western culture primarily comes from our inability to accept that peace is not dependent on what surrounds us. Which is reasonable and tough to surmount.  Changes in consciousness can sometimes bring to the surface new resolutions where we thought there might be none with regard to suffering.

I believe you are talking about Co-dependency.  This is a toxic but very common way of communication that I've certainly found rampant in my own family.  I strongly suggest you read the free info provided by CoDa Codependents Anonymous Coda.org
This understanding and free program has helped me enormously and I'm gradually freeing myself from the confusion and pain of warped, fearful relationships.  The great news is that you are the one who gets to change and free yourself.  We don't have to change anyone else, as that's impossible anyway.  Dealing with our issues with compassion and acceptance will free us to live our lives on our own terms at last and frees others to live theirs.  Wishing you discovery and peace.  

I studied abroad in Samoa, where “family first” seemed to actually be a central aspect of the culture more than anywhere I’ve ever been. This was especially true in the village of Lotofaga, where traditions were still strong because the extended family networks had been maintained by a lower rate of young men leaving to work for remittances. Another central component was less prevalence of the culturally disintegrating aspects of technology, like refrigeration, which allows a nuclear family to horde their harvests and groceries at the expense of the extended family and village ties bound by sharing of food that is central to the culture. When we would harvest at the family farm I “helped” at (I was in the best shape of my life and could barely keep up with my hosts!), we would go around the village sharing mangos, taro, bananas etc and in return got some epic hugs and a sonorous “Malo” (good health). This tied extended families together in a way that gave positive alternatives to toxic parents in aunties and uncles, cousins and grand parents. If a parent was abusive, they got their ass kicked by their own family. It was a beautiful place with a beautiful culture (in the Kantian sense and every other way I could imagine). While a lot of the culture is adapted for a tropical climate, we could do well to learn from fa’aSamoa (the Samoan way).

That’s similar to what I was suspecting—that a strong community is good at balancing out negative relationships with positive ones and also decreasing pressure on parents early on. And relying on a wider social circle for all kinds of support should make life less fearful and decrease the risk of codependency. But it’s very interesting to hear about the social aspects of refrigeration—I hadn’t heard that before but it makes so much sense. I’m really interested in developing a good gift economy also, but that is for another time.

And Julie, thank you very much. It’s good to have a term to talk about it with, and I’ll check out more of the information on the website. It does seem like an accurate label.

I notice in extended family and with people in the local community, everyone is themself for better and worse, but there is not that singular possessiveness. Maybe if I had grown up with a functioning community where people support each other via the gift economy, 1. my parents wouldn’t have developed those sorts of patterns of clinging/possessiveness, and 2. I would have had more space to move around freely and not have to worry about the particular judgement of an extremely small group of human beings.

Maybe some would say I’m hoping for too much but it really is helpful to hear about different ways of being at a more societal scale. I don’t really care about my own good—if I just wanted to not be bothered then I can do anything and not think about society, and then I’ll die and have not done much of more about it.

Also, the mindfulness I had described previously… has limited usage, and doesn’t work as consistently as I had hoped.

The best they could...

Well let's be honest: none of us really do our best
Not all the time
It's another idealistic ideal 😂

Often an excuse we will bestow on others that rightly deserve some guilt (we all deserve a little guilt)

Frequently an excuse used by those who don't want to admit their short comings
(Being a hero in your own mind can be a crutch to protect against excessive blaming in childhood)

Some people cannot be "called" on about their bad behavior: whether it's a specific response to certain family members deemed lower in some sort of pre deranged pecking order, or with everyone, some people are simply irrational (can't be reasoned with) and will perhaps throw a tantrum, or a knife in your back later

Yes, forgiveness, a journey not a switch, is a valuable path: you can forgive those who can't even admit to themselves the things they have done
You can forgive them in their absence
There are as many ways to forgive as there are people -- you don't have to do it their way!

As mentioned, intergenerational dysfunction, sourness, anger, resentment, denial, falseness, psychopathy etc are often impossible to stop, and going no contact (especially in the case of third party manipulation) is sometimes the only recourse.

Thank you for your perspective Ra!

Also for an update, I won’t go too far into it because this isn’t cider press, but my working understanding of it is that the imperfection of one’s human parents is this crack through which divine light shines—and by that imperfection one is able to turn to one’s divine relations. One’s human relationships, whether familial, friendships, or even relationships of money, power, domineering and authority, cannot provide spaciousness and vastness, cannot provide infinity or unconditional love—though these things are essential needs for us, they cannot come from human beings. Understanding this and being in contact with one’s divine relations provides a sense of safety and love that we need but which it is too tempting to foolishly look for these in other people or material things. Knowing this is liberating. Maybe you conceptualize it in different ways that don’t use the word “divine” but the essence is the spaciousness, the feeling of unconditional love and freedom from a sense of self that is limited and mortal.
In addition to that I finished a book yesterday—Long Life, Honey in the Heart by Martín Prechtel, which also is centered on this but phrases it a little differently. Anyway, it is highly recommended…

Maieshe Ljin, I often find that those in the mindfulness and metta circles tend to ‘fall on their sword’ a lot and try to be very self-sacrificing for their ideals (speaking from experience, here). Having good boundaries and assertiveness is also important to cultivate, and doesn’t go against anything taught in any eastern traditions (in fact I’d say it’s quite ‘middle path’). Just my thoughts. It’s easier to be loving and kind when you also can assert yourself and set boundaries on behavior.

And yes, like an above commenter mentioned about Samoan culture, extended families and kin groups making up communities was much more important in pre-industrial society. In fact, the story of state society is essentially breaking down these extended family units to increase dependence on the central authority, culminating in the nuclear family and now even that has given way to solely individuals. The story of state society and in particular recent dominant economic models also entails a fair bit of trauma and toxic/abusive cycles as well.

Reversing this dynamic, hunter-gatherers and early agrarians have/had ‘mythic kinship’, where clans are tied together by fictive descent from a mythological ancestor, in essence extending the biological feelings towards your kin to unrelated ‘strangers’. They would also do this with non-human relations, establishing mythical kinship with local animal and plant species with their own entailed rules and obligations for reciprocal interaction. So again, the expansion of state society can be seen as the breaking down and simplification of a once wide web of relationships.

Thank you for your response Jake! What I was writing about in the last post is somewhat aligned in my mind with the mythic kinship you mentioned, but I fell short of describing it explicitly.

I can see how in mindfulness there is a possibility for being excessively self-sacrificing. I find it to be sort of a part of the process, testing and then later extending with wisdom one’s own limitations and stress tolerance. But there are those times when we are desperate and forgetful, and try to bypass our own needs. I think boundaries are essential and also reinforced and not weakened by good meditative practice.

We all have different ways of expressing these things perhaps, both as cultures and as individuals. It is definitely interesting and a more than a little daunting how much things have changed and the weight of what’s keeping it that way.

I agree, mindfulness is useful for all kinds of things. I mean more that there is a sort of ‘suffering savior’ undercurrent in western society that is easy to fall into for those *who are into* mindfulness. This is more or less echoed by Buddhism too, after all. My point is that one can end up denying the self, and things like healthy boundaries etc, in pursuit of ideals of transcendence and/or a higher self.

I love both of my parents and they love me.  They've helped me enormously and I want to help them.  And they both have behaviours that haven't been okay for me.  I believe that there are situations in which no-contact is necessary, but I think those aren't as common as young people on ticktock would have us believe.  When its necessary then do it.  When it isn't then we need to find other ways of coping and maneuvering and hopefully encouraging better behaviour, setting loving boundaries, respecting ourselves and also trying to understand what messed up situations brought them to be how they are.  

In the case of my mother I've seen a lot of improvement over the last 7 or 8 years, even though I'll likely never get a proper apology for her previous behaviour patterns that were emotionally harmful, she has admitted that if she knew back then what she knows now she might have done things differently.  That's likely the best I'll get from her because she's too cowardly to apologize for things she's done.  And I'm working to be okay with that and try to take her as she is today rather than focusing on her past mistakes.

My father and I are quite close, and he's great in some ways, but he's difficult in others, stubborn, likes to dominish me one day and tell me he's proud of me the next.  I think he's very unaware of his behaviour and means well, but his ADHD blurts have always been a challenge, hasn't learnt how to control his tongue and why its necessary.  At least he occasionally apologizes on the occasion when he realizes he was wrong, but its rare for him to even realize he said something mean.  Sometimes I can't tell whether he legit forgot he said something or whether he's pretending he forgot in order to get the proverbial heat off of him.  How many of his mindgames are intentional and how many are self-unawareness?  I don't think I'll ever know.

But the reality is that as a person with disabilities I've had to rely on them a lot more than other people had to rely on their parents, so I've had to put up with it all.  Now I have a husband to help me so I can set more boundaries with my parents and have a lot more control over my life which is phenominal.

Maybe obvious to say, but be the one to break the cycle for the next generation!  My big one is admitting I'm wrong and apologizing.  I'm working on it with my own kids.  It would mean so much to me if my parents did, so I'm doing it myself with my children (or trying, at least).