Pregnant & Overwhelmed

Hey all,

Longtime lurker here, looking for some encouragement/ideas/advice I think, though feeling like just the act of writing this all down might be cathartic in a way.

My husband and I live on a quarter acre parcel of land down the back of his parent's block in a little Australian coastal town. We've been here for two years, and are building an extension onto our tiny house cabin which still has a fair bit to go before the permit would have to be renewed in mid July. I don't work, so have time during the day, but no building skills and all that. My husband is very busy with work, and any time not working he's trying to balance renovations as well as not burning out. We've got contractors coming in to help, but they're all super busy and as it's such a tiny place (about 47 sqm all up once it's done) it's a bit of a juggle getting work done while also living in it. The extension is at lockup, but we've had to completely renovate the old cabin part as we discovered there was mold all the way through it (it was a 25 year old holiday home cabin with no insulation and bad ventilation before we even moved it onto the property, so not surprising). So hubby's time is well and truly taken up, and I'm feeling a bit useless because there's really not much I can do except look at it all and stress that it isn't being done fast enough.

Oh yeah, we're having a baby in the end of August too.

I had a really horrible first trimester, lost a lot of weight, couldn't move for pretty much six weeks straight, and am only now just feeling my strength slowly returning and that I can do things. That's led me to overdo it a bit too much and lands me with a sore back pretty quickly if I'm lifting anything etc, so hauling things around is a bit out of the question now even though I have all this pent up energy wanting everything to get done.

My main concern which I don't even know if it should be a concern is the garden/homestead outside. In addition to our indoor pets (a dog, and two cats), we have eight chickens, two sheep, and a dexter steer who is actually getting processed tomorrow so thankfully won't be adding to the stress after that (he's cranky, jumps fences, and dangerous despite us being gentle with him, feeding treats etc when he was young and all that; likes to try and crack us with his horns and has kicked me, and knocked me over a few times...so will be good to get him out of here). The sheep are dairy sheep that were going to be bred this year, but would end up lambing around the same time the baby would be born, so we're putting the milking operations off until next year. We used to have the sheep in a large mobile tractor which helped our back paddock immensely, but that ended up breaking down and we didn't get around to a new one, so the back paddock we have access to (3/4 of an acre) has had the good things with rotational grazing reversed and is becoming desertified again. Have plans on splitting it into small chunks, but it isn't as high as everything else on the priority list at the moment (and not something I can do myself).

I had dreams of the veggie patch and central food forest garden being all lush and beautiful, and working in a nice space with a toddler and all that, but without being able to do the proper upkeep on it since probably the middle of last year (I started working, quit at the end of the year, and then went straight into first trimester illness) it's looking pretty sad and overrun. I've been able to get out and do a little bit of weeding which has helped, but even that is quite a big feat for me still and I have to just scooch around on a cushion and takes me three times as long as anything used to. I really want this homesteading and permaculture thing to work, but just so overwhelmed at the moment with the amount of things to do. I guess is there a way or suggestion or method someone would have on how to tackle it all? Being in Australia, we're moving through Autumn now, and baby will be born at the very start of Spring. I'm a little concerned of how the garden will end up if measures aren't put into place now, as I'm not sure how much energy we'll have to spend on things like that for a while once the baby is here. With all that said too, we very much want to raise this baby close with nature, with permaculture principles and all that.

Here's some of the views I've been looking at which are adding to the overwhelm:

The view of the garden off our front steps. Everything had to be fenced to keep the sheep and chickens out. The central wooden fenced area was meant to be a small food forest with an area for outdoor dining. We have a number of young fruit trees in there (apples, pears, a mandarin, and a plum) and want it to be a nice sanctuary in the hot summers. The fenced area on the right is the remnants of our rotational veggie patch plans.


Middle of the food forest area. Had to trim a bunch of this back recently as it was swamping the mandarin in the centre.


Hügelkultur bed was finally taking hold and then the sheep got to it. Now it's mostly just the leftovers of a borage plant that acted as good cover for a while, and a rogue cherry tomato


The eventual sitting place of our outdoor dining area. Remnants of a massive silverbeet, and then has a raspberry plant, apple tree, and currant that need to be moved out, everything else is pretty much just weedy.


Beehive home. Managed to catch a swarm up the top of the property, and need to take it out to a friend's house for a bit so we can relocate it down here. Eventually would like to have a few hives going. Mustard weed coming in off the back paddock and wanting to take over.


Our sad looking veggie patch. I planted a bunch of tomato seeds last year not thinking they would all take, and they pretty much all did. Managed to get them out, but haven't been able to care for them, and then learned that they're all (around 60 plants if they've all survived this long) cherry tomatoes which has made picking harder, and I haven't had much willpower to go save them from the birds. I managed to cart loads of aged hay/cow manure as a mulch which I think is the only way they lasted through the summer, but now all the weeds that are coming up through that seem extra strong as they survived through the layers, and they're taking over. Even if we wanted to plant out some simple things like lettuces or prep for garlic etc, it all just seems like such a big job to get it to a manageable state. As much as it's hard to see, there's seven rows in the pictures with woodchip pathways.



With everything else going on, do I bother with the garden? Is it worth it? Is there a way for me to get ontop of it without killing myself in the process, or has it just gone too big?

Thank you if you've made it to the end of that little novel...and again, any thoughts, ideas, upliftings, commiserations, would be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Overwhelmed

Oh, my! I'm so sorry this is all piling up and overwhelming you, like that. I'm not sure if me saying it will help, but the reality is you don't have to get it all done - especially not 'right now'. The pressure you're feeling sounds pretty much all internal. I have strong tendencies like that, too, and quite frankly, the only thing that will be accomplished by stressing out over it, is an extra toll on your - and possibly your baby's health. The best thing you can do for yourself, your baby, and, I'm sure, your husband, is to let go of your timeline expectations, for now. All that stuff? It will wait until you're able to take care of it, and, though it's understandable to want to get all your ducks in a row before the baby comes - your little one won't care, one whit. Breathe. Look at all you've already accomplished together, and how well you've gotten yourselves set up, to take the next steps. Focus on taking care of yourself and the baby right now, and that will likely take a lot of stress off your husband's mind, as well as improving how you feel both physically and mentally.

Easier said than done? Maybe this will help: instead of looking at the very prolific tomato garden as a mess, look at it as an abundance of produce you can offer to someone, for nothing but the price of picking it, themselves. What's left becomes a lovely green mulch that can be raked up and composted - when you're good and ready for that. I'm not sure about sheep health, but if it's OK for them, maybe you could let them take turns cleaning it up for you. I've no doubt the chickens would happily assist!

Your garden has great potential, have you already sketched it up, to give yourself a beautiful image to help you stay focused on the eventual result? When will your steer come back to you? I've heard Dexters are very good! Do you already have your plans for how you want to cook it? What I'm saying is let go of what you can't control, and focus on what you can, as well as what you've already done, and embrace the wonderful new life you've created. I'm much older than you - at 57, lol. And, in some ways, you're ahead of my husband and me, and in others you're right there in pretty much the same stage as us, but doing it so much younger! You're ahead of the curve, as far as I'm concerned. 😉

Apart from the pregnancy I am with you on the journey!
As a Civil Engineer I was taught and use 'critical path analysis', sometimes called Project management .

I break down the tasks into broad groups, determine the importance to myself of each group and set out a loose plan.

I may work on 5 things at once, I may do a small amount of time on those tasks in a day.

I try and remove anything that can stress me out.

It works for myself.

One of my favorite things about permaculture is that it's not the end of the world if you can't tend a garden for a year. Sure, the tomatoes might not get picked. They might volunteer next year, or turn into compost to feed your next garden. It's okay. You got your fruit trees in, and that--to me--is the most important thing. A garden can wait another year, but the sooner the fruit trees are planted, the sooner you'll have fruit.

Your little one won't be really exploring the garden until they're a year and a half. That's two years from now. And, they'll be happy with sticks and dirt a some berries. Don't worry that the permaculture/food forest playground isn't ready yet. It's okay.

I LOVED my ktan baby wrap when the baby was an infant, and relied heavily on my Boba carrier when they got about 6+ months old. My colicky son was often only happy outside when I was walking, so I'd wander around and slowly work with long-handled tools while he was strapped on me. My second child--my daughter--took usually 1 or 2 of her naps a day strapped on me--that way I could watch my son play, and I could get some work done in the garden. Both tended to wake up if I bent over, so long handled tools were handy. I also liked having logs set up next to my gardens so I could sit and pull out weeds while they were awake and strapped on me. I'd only expect to have 1 or 2 "zone 1" intensive-ish garden beds. That seemed to be as much as I could manage with a baby. The rest of my garden beds went feral for a year, or were perennials, and I just brought them back to working order the next year. Of course, I felt like a permaculture failure for not having more, but, like Carla said, it was " pretty much all internal."

I still don't have large livestock. I have some chickens and ducks and two geese, and my kids are 7 and 4 now. When they were babies, a flock of ducks was MORE than enough.

I would let slide what you can, and focus on what you can do and what brings you peace. Maybe get a light "gardening bench" that you can easily carry around, set down, and putz in the garden IF it brings you joy. Maybe focus on planting strawberries or whatever perennials grow well in your area, and maybe one garden bed, and let the rest go mostly go wild. If potatoes or sweet potatoes grow there, you could probably bring those garden beds back to life--and weed free--by growing potatoes in them for a year. I'm actually doing that with one of my garden beds that just got ignored last year. And this isn't the first time. So, you can take the year or two off, and bring it back by growing potatoes, and it's okay!

I've got threads around here about creating garden beds potatoes, and quite a few about baby/kid supplies and even one on a permaculture playground (it's mostly logs and rocks for them to climb on!). Maybe in your lurking you've found them already. Let's see if I can find them...AH, here's some good ones.

Favorite Gear for Gardening with Babies and Kids? This one's about the gear I found most helpful for gardening with little ones

Permaculture Playground and Diner The "playground" when my kids were even littler, I should update it with what we've added. And I mention ADDED. Everything does not need to be done at once. In fact,  it's really fun for the kids to be part of creating their own play areas. They seem to value them a lot more. And, it keeps things interesting when new stuff is added. Your area does NOT need to be perfect to begin with. In fact, I think it might be better in a lot of ways if it's not!

Creating little places to sit and hangout on your wild homestead Daron made this one! Places to sit aren't just great for you--they're great for the kids, too!

How to time growing a family and starting a homestead? If you feel like feeling struggles of trying to manage a homestead and a family. I survived, and so can you. I suggest taking on less, because the chronic stress set off my husband's Crohn's and really messed with me for a bunch of years. For me, one of the most helpful things was finding another homesteader who'd blogged when their kids were little, and I could tell that I was not alone, and that they'd made it through okay, and I could, too!

Gardening while watching a small child A bunch of tips from a bunch of people!

The nesting urge you have is normal. It's okay! It's also okay that you can't get it all done. Relax for you and baby, and do what you can. Things can wait. It's okay.

Welcome, Sage!
I agree heartily with Carla-- try to make as much peace as possible with giving up as much as you possibly can, lower your expectations (then lower them a wee bit more), and focus on your health and your baby. There may be people who farm with a newborn strapped on their back but personally, there was no way I could have done it. Be kind to yourself, and also enjoy that baby while it's small. Before you know it you'll have little feet running along with you in the garden. In that year and a half or two, put your energy toward keeping your livestock alive and maintaining your own health. And don't let yourself feel bad about it.

Also, your space is gorgeous. Weeds can always be pulled later, if you really want to do something, broadcast some green mulch seeds when you're feeling energetic right now, make a list of what you would like to do (not what you have to do, but what you would really like) and see if you can break those tasks down into tiny pieces to check off if you do find yourself with the time.

Be well!

Really good advice from everyone.  Not being endowed with the proper equipment for carrying a baby inside me, I'm sorry that I can't do more than feel for you with that situation.  I'm pretty familiar with being overwhelmed though.  Everyone handles these things so differently, I can only tell you what I would do if I were in your position.  You have a great groundwork laid.  I would pick a small spot.  By small I mean something like 4' by 4', I I would work on that one spot only until I had it the way I liked it.  If that takes an hour, fine.  If it takes two days, still fine.  Whatever the case, finish one little spot, and then move to the next little spot.  That's the way I handle things if I'm overwhelmed and look around and just see chaos and I have no idea how to get started.

When I'm not feeling overwhelmed and have no particular sense of urgency about any one thing, which is most of the time now, I work like John mentioned.  I have 5 (or 50) things going at once, and I just work on each a little bit until I get bored with that thing.  That may be 15 minutes, or a few hours.  It makes no difference, I just work on whatever I want to work on as the mood strikes me.  Lots of my time is spent wandering around my place just looking at things.  Inevitably, I'll see something I want to work on for a bit.

As others said, try to keep in mind, none of this HAS to be done right now.  It will wait for you.

Following a promotion, my new boss walked up to me and told me that each day I was to schedule 10 things to accomplish.  As he walked away, he turned and said, “and if you accomplish 2 of them, consider yourself successful.”

You are getting great advice to relax and let things go for a while. I heartily agree with all those compassionate posts.

One part of your post that caught my attention is this:
"My main concern which I don't even know if it should be a concern is the garden/homestead outside... [W]e have eight chickens, two ... dairy sheep...[that we used to have] in a large mobile tractor which helped our back paddock immensely, but that ended up breaking down and we didn't get around to a new one...."

After protecting your trees or leashing your sheep, is it possible to rotate your sheep then your chickens in your garden? They could eat the plants going to seed, fertilize the area, prepare the bed for a future growing season? Exchanging eggs for fresh produce could enable you to relax more.

Do you have some support in your community? Letting others help you now will create more joy in your community in the long term. Autonomy is great but we are social beings that need community too. Without any real effort on your part, you could be the center that brings your neighbors together. I know that if you were my neighbor, I would happily load you up with all the fresh veg you could want.

Amy Gardener wrote:Do you have some support in your community? Letting others help you now will create more joy in your community in the long term. Autonomy is great but we are social beings that need community too. Without any real effort on your part, you could be the center that brings your neighbors together. I know that if you were my neighbor, I would happily load you up with all the fresh veg you could want.

Super great advice. Advice I was given when i had newborns was to acceot any and all help offered. It was sound wisdom!

You know, the way things are right now you might even get someone willing to work your plot for you. People are excited to learn how to plant things, and offering a "community plot" type thing might be helpful. Community being you and them! They get to start with a nice bed, with access to manure, advice, etc, it might be exactly what one of your neighbors is looking for, if you live close enough to others.

I agree with the rest of the people here.
-Lower expectations and let go of everything you can. Consider just a single annual veggie bed full of fancy favorites and a couple trees planted in the fall for example.
-Make a list of what needs to be done when to accomplish those bare minimum goals and break it down into one step at a time.
-Focus on real needs (people, animals, long term already-installed plans like trees and perennial beds) and THEN focus on optionals like a nice looking eating space and annuals, flowers, whatever.
-Put in 1-2 hours a day. You will be amazed what you can get done if you just pick something from the top 1/3rd of your to-do list and put in an hour or two every day.

If you have the option.... What you need is a barn raising of sorts. A few pizzas and beers and a group of people (masked and outdoors hopefully) can accomplish a lot from your task list if you bring them in for just one day. Personally I don't even have a kid on the way and I'm feeling overwhelmed by my task list. So is everyone I know. We plan on having a few communal work days in our group over the next couple months where we just go to X location, tackle as much of their to-do list as possible, then move on to the next person the next week. Many hands makes light work and good people will offer help for a day in exchange for food and support later. If you can get people together to help with some lighter tasks (cleaning, prepping some garden beds, spring maintenance, etc.) it can go a long way.

This is what I would do if the resources are available:

1. Offer friends the cherry tomatoes, with a deadline for the picking.
2. As you have the energy, mow down the tomato plants, they will loosely mulch in place. Even if you can only do half a bed a week. If the mower can't handle the terrain, just step on the base of the plants to make them bend over.
3. Heavily mulch the garden beds, with wood chips, straw, or hay. This will feed your soil until you are able to pick up the gardening again.
4. When you are ready to begin again, plant ONE garden bed with easy for your area plants.

If you can't get the mulch, try to crimp any resulting weeds before they go to seed. The weeds will also feed your soil.

Thank you so so much everyone for your kind and helpful words. I don't know if it's just the hormones, but I've been tearing up with each new post coming in. I read all the replies out to my husband this morning, and it really helped him as well. So much of the pressure is what I put on myself, and worries about other people's judgements, but hearing that it's okay to not be focusing on the appearance of things from likeminded folk goes a long way.

I'm going to take this time of quiet to rest and prepare for our new way of life to come, as well as spend more time that I won't have in the future learning more about permaculture and planning. I have a number of friends that have offered to help with the garden and yard a number of times, so once our renos allow (aka we have a door on our bathroom) I'll see if they're still interested in spending a day with me outside, with cuppas, food, and company to trade.

It can be so easy for the overwhelm to creep up some times, but kind words and good advice are so fantastic in bringing everything back into perspective and the mind back down to earth. Thank you!!!

I don't really have advice, per se, but felt moved to share some of my own story.

After being told we wouldn't be able to have children, my partner and I moved to a very remote fixer-upper property, and promptly plowed up a huge garden, planted a couple dozen fruit trees, and acquired 4 goats (one in milk), 2 alpacas, 3 cats, and 50 chickens.  Then, five months later, I got pregnant.  We were butchering roosters in my first trimester, and I still have nightmares about puking into the 5-gallon feather bucket as I was plucking.  

I had a difficult labor, and ended up with an emergency c-section, and it did not heal properly.  It was literally a year, maybe more, before my body was okay.  Meanwhile, the baby had health issues, and did not sleep.  Literally.  The longest sleep he had in the first 6 months was 45 minutes.  Just as things began to settle down with him, I got pregnant again.  Then I had a major health problem that completely sidelined me for almost two years, with all those critters and two kids in diapers.  It was brutal.  My spouse lost so much weight that the doctor sent him for cancer screening.

So anyhow, we ended up having to let a few trees die (for lack of watering), let the big garden go back to field (though we plowed up a much smaller garden closer to the house), get rid of the goats and alpacas, pare back on chickens, and re-assess our expectations.  A lot.  

Now, the kids are 6 and 8, and we've planted several dozen more fruit trees, expanded the garden so that it's probably at about 1/2 to 2/3 of the original huge garden size, and are ramping back up with chickens.  We managed a few renovations to the house, but are often just living with things that are 'good enough' but less than ideal.  As in, I haven't had baseboards for, oh, eight years, now.  If we find the time to fix fences and gates this year, we will consider goats next spring.  I am going to learn how to graft this year.  My kiddos will probably help me, and actually be of assistance.  We will plant some flowers together, and some vegetables.  They help collect eggs.  

This is a long way around of saying, it's okay to let some things go.  Maybe for a season, maybe for several years.  Your little one and your own physical and mental health are more important than the garden or livestock or pastures, and you can get those things back later.  When you do go back to them, you'll have more wisdom, and maybe even more assistance, and you can add things back one at a time, and decide what still makes sense for your family.  You don't have to do it all, all the time.  

I hope your pregnancy and delivery go smoothly, and wish you and your family the best of health!

I would tend to agree with what people have already said.  You do need to take some time out, forget about things for a while and just let your body heal and have a healthy child.  Nothing else matters as much.  Once you are feeling better, it won’t feel so overwhelming.  I went through something similar about 46 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter.  Working too hard, trying to milk a herd of goats by myself because my husband didn’t like farming and I loved it.  So I was out spreading 50 lb. bags of minerals on the pecan orchard when I was 8 months pregnant.  Had toxemia, very sick, almost lost my child.  The steer we were raising tossed me on his horns and threw me in the air, a mean goat with horns knocked me down and was trying to kill me and all I could do was roll around like a walrus and kick her off me so she didn’t gore me in the belly until she got tired and left the area.  Had the vet come out and dehorn the goat, problem solved.  She calmed down immediately.  

An aunt once told me with any kind of big projects, take it a day at a time, or an hour at a time, one room at a time or one section at a time and don’t think about the rest.  Grandmother told me to do it like the cat who ate the grinding stone, a lick at the time until it was all gone.  

Just take care of yourself first right now and relax.  It will get much better and a year from now when your little one is cuddling in your arms you’ll look back and smile at yourself for feeling the way you did.  

Oh, and by the way, I think you and your hubby are doing a marvelous job.  Place looks great, even with a few weeds.  Soil looks dry, so mulch as much as you can and remember compost (has humic acid) or humate will help sequester nutrients and water in the soil.  

I thoroughly second all the advice given above.

The thing with permaculture is there are always so many things you can be doing..... and it’s easy to feel like therefore you SHOULD be doing it all. I have to make a big effort to change my thinking so I don’t fall into this trap. And when you’re pregnant it’s even harder I think because you just have such an overwhelming urge to have everything set up just so (ie perfectly) because the baby is coming. So I think it’s an hormonal thing, but also just the regular frustration that any person would feel when they have a million things to get done and limitations of their bodies capacity / time / funds etc.

So, I have great permaculture desires and plans and also had a baby (like many here). All I can say is that in my case, there was no way I could keep up with my projects and plans. I couldn’t even spin anymore without puking!
Basically I let the entire garden go, and just focused on learning. Also when my baby was a new born to about 2, the only thing permaculture I really managed was reading, learning (thank you Permies!), observing, and designing and then re designing lots of ideas and plans. All that thinking time paid off I think, as my ‘perfect’ plans got redesigned many many times lol. Once my daughter was about 2 then we started doing little things like clearing a patch of the old overgrown garden (like 1m2 a day) and throwing all my now outdated annual seeds on it (kid loved this bit) then seeing what happened. We ended up with more random greens than we could eat eventually, and it was fun Now that she’s 4, I’m finally beginning to get some time to tackle some of the bigger things, but it’s still small steps all the way.

I think your place looks brilliant. You’ve achieved loads already. I’m very impressed with the fruit trees and the fencing!

If I were you, this is what I’d do:
- As a couple, just try to focus on getting the home reasonably comfortable. You need to be able to live at a comfortable temperature, in a cosy feeling environment (small is fine), that is dry (no mould) and feels healthy and settled. If you can get that happening before the baby comes it will be a big help.

- Fruit/vege garden (the fenced areas): I would divide that space into four areas (a couple of star pickets and some chicken mesh should do it) and keep the chickens in there (ie: in a quarter). They will blitz everything but the fruit trees (I wouldn’t put the sheep in there as they will kill the young trees). Throw any kitchen scraps / mulch etc to the chickens. When they have thoroughly cleaned, manured and mulched an area (A month or so), move them into the next one and chuck a heap of quick growing seeds into where they have been. Move them through the remaining three spaces the same way and when enough greens/weeds have grown in the first one they land back in there and so on. So the idea is while you are busy with a newborn etc, the chickens are madly building fertility for you in your vege patch, weeding and fertilising your fruit trees, and growing some greens for themselves (and maybe for you if you pick them before the chooks go in).

If you really want a kitchen garden during this time, I would focus on a very small area (2m2?) right next to the house (preferably the kitchen area) and grow herbs in it. Maybe some silverbeet or a cherry tomato, but nothing more demanding. Herbs are great because they make a big contribution to delicious food / teas / and are survivors and preferably perennials.

- Animals: I’d minimise as much as possible. The pets obviously are keepers, but with a newborn I wouldn’t want to deal with much more than a few laying hens. Good move on getting the steer sorted he sounds terrifying! If the sheep are stressing you out maybe move them on too? Then you could let the field grow and get it mowed for the mulch, or let someone else pulse their animals through it so it is grazed but not compacted. If I was going to have any grazing animal myself in such a situation I would go for geese. But really less is more!

-Focus: I would focus on learning. Best thing my partner and mother in law gave me was a kindle. I much prefer reading books BUT with a kindle I cold read in the dark without needing the light on (so while the baby was sleeping on me - she would only sleep literally on my chest for a loooooong time). I could research and buy books instantly and read read read. It gave me a continuous connection to my own interests and fed my ideas at a time when everything else was focused on the baby. Another thing that really helped was the internet, so I could research on line. I spent 2 years basically researching and scheming

Having a baby changes everything. I know everyone says that and it’s a cliche, but honestly everything just gets re-prioritised when you have this tiny little person suddenly there who needs you for everything. It’s hard no matter what you’re doing (but soooooo worth it!!) but I really think you need to give yourself permission to let other things wait. The baby has to come first, and usually they need pretty much everything. Then any other energy you have you need for caring for yourself at this time. Then as things settle down you try to have a bit of energy and attention for your partner and relationship. That’s not including if you need to work, or managing the house/cleaning/food and life in general. You won’t believe how fast goats and sheep and weeding slides so far down the list!! You will get all those things happening - I know you will. What you have already achieved demonstrates very clearly that you are more than capable enough of achieving all your dreams for the place. You just need time and your physicality back to do it. Your partner needs time too. And now is not that time. That time is coming though

Take heart and take time! You never know, it could end up being a real benefit to take a couple of years observing your place and designing, rather than doing.

Ooooh! You need to add a pack and play  to your registry. A portable play pen that can be wheeled around! My kid would play on his own for ages, as long as I was in his sight. Just think of all the weeding that you can accomplish! Do throw a mosquito netting and some shade over the top.



We took ours everywhere.

I have avoided this post for personal reasons, but I just thought that I would offer a saying that has worked well for my family. You are enough, you have enough, you do enough. Best wishes for you and your family.

Caitlin Mac Shim wrote:
-Focus: I would focus on learning. Best thing my partner and mother in law gave me was a kindle. I much prefer reading books BUT with a kindle I cold read in the dark without needing the light on (so while the baby was sleeping on me - she would only sleep literally on my chest for a loooooong time). I could research and buy books instantly and read read read. It gave me a continuous connection to my own interests and fed my ideas at a time when everything else was focused on the baby. Another thing that really helped was the internet, so I could research on line. I spent 2 years basically researching and scheming

Yes! I joined permies not long after my first was born. I spent a lot of time scrolling through permies with him asleep on the boppy on my lap (I just sat at the computer). Sometimes I could manage to watch videos on my computer with white noise in the background. When he was a bit older and I was patting/singing him to sleep on his bed, I'd distract myself by daydreaming/plotting about where I wanted garden beds.

I did the same when my daughter was born, too. I couldn't always type/respond to things I read, but I could at least learn a LOT with her napping in my lap. Permies is a wealth of information for free, and there's lots of rabbit holes and information to keep you going (especially if you need to be mentally distracted from a colicky baby who won't sleep and won't stop crying no matter what you do.)

Nicole Alderman wrote:

Caitlin Mac Shim wrote:
-Focus: I would focus on learning. Best thing my partner and mother in law gave me was a kindle. I much prefer reading books BUT with a kindle I cold read in the dark without needing the light on (so while the baby was sleeping on me - she would only sleep literally on my chest for a loooooong time). I could research and buy books instantly and read read read. It gave me a continuous connection to my own interests and fed my ideas at a time when everything else was focused on the baby. Another thing that really helped was the internet, so I could research on line. I spent 2 years basically researching and scheming

Yes! I joined permies not long after my first was born. I spent a lot of time scrolling through permies with him asleep on the boppy on my lap (I just sat at the computer). Sometimes I could manage to watch videos on my computer with white noise in the background. When he was a bit older and I was patting/singing him to sleep on his bed, I'd distract myself by daydreaming/plotting about where I wanted garden beds.

I did the same when my daughter was born, too. I couldn't always type/respond to things I read, but I could at least learn a LOT with her napping in my lap. Permies is a wealth of information for free, and there's lots of rabbit holes and information to keep you going (especially if you need to be mentally distracted from a colicky baby who won't sleep and won't stop crying no matter what you do.)

Oh my gosh yes Nicole I really think there is a very particular Permie membership which begins with a colicky baby attached to a boob (and/or screaming) and a sleepless new mum trying to nut out pasture rotations or food forest guilds or Poly-culture or something behind her eye lids!

These are all great responses to a real and common situation!  You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed.  I agree with everyone about trying not to panic. Assuming that you have other means for food and the garden is in the works and an added benefit to your food source, not mandatory, you are good to go!  Personally, I would plant a pot of lettuce near the back door, maybe dig up a tomato and put it in a pot there too.  Voila!  You have salad and your garden is currently building a great worm base and its own mulch.  I love your layout.  You have actually done a lot!  I love the long handled tool idea that someone shared, which is good for we the older folks as well as you the young and pregnant.  If you can run a hose and keep things watered and collect your eggs, you are checking things off of the daily task list whether you see it or not.  If you can find some lemon balm, smell the amazing aroma of the leaves and calm yourself.  A mentor of mine says that she sits in her garden areas, whether they are built or dead or growing, and just breathes.  Enjoy your space and the time and a tea, watch the shadows, walk through each area and see if the heat is a little tough on the perennials, or if a resident creature is positive or negative for the yard.  A toad might need a jar house.  Should you trim that dead branch on the fruit tree that you can easily reach?  I like to make lists.  I even add to the lists what I will need to do daily once my gardens are the way I want them.  I am changing everything this year and I am anxious to get out there but it is snowing today, so I am on the Permies.com site, and getting many ideas for things that I want to do some day.  And so are you!  Planning is 50% of the fun, in my opinion.  You are an amazing mom, already.  My same mentor has 10 kids.  Right outside the door in the area they are allowed to play in she made them a twig teepee that grows string beans for a canopy.  There are tiny cucumber plants and tiny tomato plants for snacking while they play.  You could think of those things for future projects - they are just an idea and don't have to be implemented until there is a toddler to enjoy them.  And they are annual plants, so you can change the location whenever you want.  Like so many others said, slow your mind and enjoy this time, because kids grow like weeds and time flies by.  

Congratulations Sage!  Having your first baby is such an exciting event.  

Everyone else here is right.  You and your baby are the most important things to worry about right now.  

I say this, having given birth to our third child a year ago.  Like you, my pregnancy was difficult.  I gave myself permission to let go of everything else, telling the people closest to me that I needed them to pick up the slack--and I forgave myself for letting the rest to drop.  This continued for several months after birth as I recovered from a severe hemorrhage.  A year on, I don't regret giving up the garden and housework to care for myself and baby.

Likewise, your own wellbeing is the priority here.  Good luck!

My advice.

Separate what you want to do and what you need to do. AKA make a list and have someone who isn't pregnant look at it and confirm it makes sense(not your husband). Be kind to your husband and expect kindness from him. We had our 2nd baby last year and it was ruff. Both of us worked from home and took care of our 1.5 year old daughter pretty well isolated from everyone for safety. Try to enjoy your time alone because when that baby arrives you will NEVER be alone again. Read a book, take a walk, use the bathroom with the door closed.

At the end of the day if everyone's belly is full and they have a warm/cool place to go to sleep then that day was a success in my book.

Benjamin wrote:Separate what you want to do and what you need to do. AKA make a list and have someone who isn't pregnant look at it and confirm it makes sense(not your husband).

I think that someone should also have had small children within the recent past.

I've had 3 kids and I can tell you from experience, the garden can wait, sweet mama. Give yourself grace. The baby will only be little for the smallest blip of time, plant a whole mess of green manure/living mulch, and let the garden wait for you to give birth and get thru the first year of motherhood. Birth, postpartum, breastfeeding and sleep deprivation will take a toll on your body. Heed that and rest and enjoy your little one. Let your husband do the heavy lifting right now.

You won't ruin your garden if it sits fallow a bit. In fact, by growing the living mulch, adding compost and manure, and letting it stew, your garden year after next will be BOOMING!!

Yeah. 2 kids 5 days from being exactly 2 years apart. Never a dull moment around here.

I won't offer any particular advice, but just an expression of solidarity as a fellow parent (my wife and I have three, ages eight and under). Feelings of overwhelm and burnout are very common in this stage of life—bearing the responsibility you do as the caretaker for a young life is intense, and the demands are unceasing. I frequently get unreasonably frustrated when I lack the margin to accomplish the things I feel I ought to, whether because of fatigue, stress, or anxiety. I constantly need to remember to be gentle to myself and to my wife and to take a years-long perspective, recognizing this is just a season—indeed, I'm doing that even as I write this post. I hope you can too.

I think being pregnant and overwhelmed are synonamous.  I blame the nesting syndrome for that.  Do what is most important for that day and don't feel guilty for leaving things undone.  You have a precious life growing inside you who needs you most of all.  Have you thought of container gardening.  I started that last year and it went well so I have expanded it this year.  Right now I am growing cantaloupes, collards, peppers, tomatoes, peppermint, chocolate mint, spearmint and more; all in containers.  I use molasses tubs and 5 gallon buckets for that.  So now the first thing to do is to breathe in deeply, breathe out deeply a few times and then hug that beautiful baby and talk to him for a few minutes about what you are going to do today, which includes some pampering for yourself.  We all love you and want to help you in whatever way we can.


btw; post pictures of your new baby when the time comes!!!

Can I just say, Permies is amazing--you guys are so sweet and have given this lovely mama bucketloads of compassion and great advice. What a cool community to be a part of.

As a mom to 2 healthy babies who both gave me absolute hell in utero, I wholeheartedly echo the advice given by several to lower expectations. My husband has always said, if you have zero expectations then everything [that goes well, that you accomplish] is an unexpected and wonderful surprise! I found that to be perfect advice when I was dealing with 24/7 "morning" sickness, varicose veins, nonstop hunger, back pain, muscle cramps, all the lovely things that those babies bring to you at first. Somehow during my pregnancies there was also a lot of coincidental external stress--family drama, unfinished projects, work problems, etc. Maybe like someone else said, the nesting instinct just makes everything that much more stressful.

If you can get ahold of calendula flowers or comfrey root, make calendula oil or comfrey root decoction and rub it everywhere. It'll keep away stretch marks and soothe everything interior and exterior. If you're having nausea, make a cup of black tea and slice some fresh ginger root into it. I know caffeine isn't ideal during pregnancy, but I never went anywhere during pregnancy without this magic remedy. St. Johns/Jeans Wort tincture is great internally to relax you, and externally rubbed on the forehead for headaches. Maybe find a source of Shepherds' Purse and make a tincture to keep on hand in case of hemorrhage. And the best remedy of all is to REST. Whether you take a 10-minute break every hour or two, or make a point of taking a brief siesta whenever it seems good to you, remember you are doing everything for 2 whole humans!

If anyone is giving you pressure about how you are doing things, remember that there are verrryyy few people to whom you owe explanations. Find a way that seems comfortable to you of setting boundaries for those who may be pushy, whether it is answering your phone less frequently or gently reminding them, "gosh, pregnancy is such a miracle. I am growing a human in here and I am just going to focus on that for now."

Then, when your beautiful baby is a bit bigger like mine are (ages 3 and 7), remind them that you went through hell for them and make them fetch you a glass of icewater while you sit on the sofa and gaze out at your beautifully tended gardens.

P.S. Your gardens really do look gorgeous, Sage! I love your designs and the cutesy fencing. Don't worry about them for now, you'll be pleasantly surprised by how many things volunteer back next year. Maybe take some of your resting moments to identify those "weeds", they might be medicinal/edibles volunteering for you!

Hi everyone!

Just wanted to come back and say thank you so much again to everyone who replied here. Your kind words helped me so much, and even recently as I was starting to feel the overwhelm coming again (for different reasons this time, not just garden!) I read through all of your messages again and once again it helped sort everything out in my head and put me back in the right track.

It's crazy to think that it has only been a couple of months since my original post! So much has happened, and now just nine weeks until baby arrives!! I've since participated in some PEP badges, and completed a PDC, completely redesigned our yard (on paper, not allowed to lift at all anymore so the actual doing definitely has to wait :D ), and can't wait to see what the future has in store for us and our little girl on the way! I've also started up the ol' homestead blog again which has given me a great thing to work on while not being able to move too much. I've collected some of my favourite comments from you all (hard not to just post the entire thread :D ) in the hopes that those words may be able to help another who could be in the same situation -- you can read the summary of tips here https://innisfreehomestead.com/pregnant-overwhelmed-on-the-homestead/

Once again, thank you so much. Your words set me back on the right path and have encouraged me to embrace Permaculture even more, and to enjoy each day as it is now, knowing that tomorrow will bring its own set of challenges, but that's okay too. Day by day, one step at a time <3

John C Daley wrote:Apart from the pregnancy I am with you on the journey!
As a Civil Engineer I was taught and use 'critical path analysis', sometimes called Project management .

I break down the tasks into broad groups, determine the importance to myself of each group and set out a loose plan.

I may work on 5 things at once, I may do a small amount of time on those tasks in a day.

I try and remove anything that can stress me out.

It works for myself.

Hi John,
I've heard of Project Management and even used it a bit in an office environment, but never thought to apply it to my home and garden.  Would you be willing to share some of the lists you've made for groups and tasks?   Of course, I have a task list, but like Overwhelmed just reviewing the list makes me want to nap.
Thanks,
Barbara

Hi Sage,
I am wondering how you, your baby and health are?

You shared a few months back and I am wondering how you are managing now.
THINKING of ......
Has baby arrived? How's hubby? And in laws? Parents? etc.
And of course your non-human family too.

Trust you are getting the support you need.
If I could, I would love to visit and support a project in your garden for you.
As break from Melbourne.
But we are still in the 6th lockdown as you may be aware of.

May you enjoy being a mum, to your new baby, and embrace all that your bonding brings.

Joyce.

Hey Sage,

I quickly reviewed most of the posts, and like Joyce Harris, I'm hoping that the baby has arrived and that mom and kiddo are both happy and well-rested. Let's see some photos of the newborn if you're not too shy about posting one.  

In the meantime, I also reviewed all the photos you posted of your garden.  I think you've got a fine plot of land there and in time, it'll all come together. Right now, you have a lot on your plate with expanding the house, growing and caring for a baby, and figuring out what to do with the garden -- no wonder you're overwhelmed.  Somewhere in this thread, people were applauding your ability to do what you've done and also suggested that you focus on the fruit trees for now.  I think that's excellent advice. Perhaps a bit later, you might want to put pencil to paper and see if you can come up with a plan for the garden, and from there, be able to break down what you can do when.  Let say you can I D 6 garden areas. You might be able to get them all in order over the next 3 years. This is from my own experience. In my head, I can see what I want and when I want it, but in my legs and back, I can't go that fast.  Right now, I have about 40 seed packets and that's all.  I know I have to sit down and figure out which ones I can plant next spring and also, figure out how I can plant say, 6 bean plants over 3 weeks. I don't want to be overwhelmed with 6 bean stalks all coming in at the same time.  

Anyway, I just wanted to add my voice to Joyce's and let you know that I'm thinking about you.

FENCES.           g
goats repair,- find gripples- strainer tool collect and place near job

drive replace, find posts- find gate take to site-
                         get concrete quick set- drop at hole locations-
                         - get marker paint - mark holes- measure gate
                         - get water to hole location or have on ute and shovel, tamper, post level
                         - get tractor going- bore 2 holes- fit post and concrete
                         - drill 2 or 3 holes and repeat

orchard new -  find wire or mesh- take to site
                        - find posts and tie wire -take to site
                        - buy concrete and drop off
                        - lay things out- mark holes
                        - move tractor - check fuel
                        - sort water out
                        - take ute with fencing tools and drill holes

I hope you can see the pattern. I draft these notes up generally at night over a few days just doodling.
I will buy some of the concrete when I am in town getting others bits and pieces because I may have 3 or 4 such lists.
Those lits may be as follows
- lean to roof at factory
- sort power points in barn
- plan underground power line
- ladies lounge
             
                 

Thanks for checking in, Joyce & Barbara!

Had a really rough pregnancy and had to be on bedrest more as the time went on...finished it with a nasty 36 hour labour that ended in a csection anyway :/ Very different than the all natural birth I had wanted! But very thankful for the modern interventions as without them both baby and I probably wouldn't have made it. We managed to make our way through until nearly the end of active labour, but then she got stuck, stressed, and nothing progressed.

All that being said....the garden, the yard, etc, all has been at the very back of my mind these past...five weeks now. We're both doing great, I'm still slowly recovering and enjoying just slowly getting back to being able to do household chores...laundry and the like. I have big plans for the veggie patch, but not going to worry about trying to get it ready quickly, we'll just take our time and hopefully it'll be good by next Spring (next September here). Baby girl is thriving, growing at ridiculous rates, and just started smiling when she sees us which turns hubby and I into puddles :D

How's hubby? And in laws? Parents? etc.
And of course your non-human family too.

Hubby is going good, back at work now, but so thankful his job is flexible (and we don't have any debt or big bills hanging over our heads!) so he can take extra time when we need him home. Inlaws are happy as we classify as the same house as them (we're a detached extension down the back of their property) so they're still able to see baby through the lockdowns etc. My parents not so happy being on the other side of the world from their first grandchild! Covid has affected so much. Non-human family are going good. Dog absolutely loves baby, and cats are finally accepting that she's not going to be returned so they best get used to her.

I took a walk around the garden a couple days ago, and it's amazing how much it's actually thrived without our input. Yes there's weeds everywhere, but it's also filled with borage and lavender as tall as I am (bees are having a blast) and so many plants I thought weren't going to make it have really flourished. I'd like to get it functioning better for us one day, but in the meantime nature itself is tending to it and it couldn't be healthier. I have no doubt we'll get there eventually, but for now I'm just soaking in all the sleepy baby cuddles, knowing it won't be long at all before my little helper and I can spend our days out there.

Sage Chara wrote:Thanks for checking in, Joyce & Barbara!

Had a really rough pregnancy and had to be on bedrest more as the time went on...finished it with a nasty 36 hour labour that ended in a csection anyway :/ Very different than the all natural birth I had wanted! But very thankful for the modern interventions as without them both baby and I probably wouldn't have made it. We managed to make our way through until nearly the end of active labour, but then she got stuck, stressed, and nothing progressed.

All that being said....the garden, the yard, etc, all has been at the very back of my mind these past...five weeks now. We're both doing great, I'm still slowly recovering and enjoying just slowly getting back to being able to do household chores...laundry and the like. I have big plans for the veggie patch, but not going to worry about trying to get it ready quickly, we'll just take our time and hopefully it'll be good by next Spring (next September here). Baby girl is thriving, growing at ridiculous rates, and just started smiling when she sees us which turns hubby and I into puddles :D

How's hubby? And in laws? Parents? etc.
And of course your non-human family too.

Hubby is going good, back at work now, but so thankful his job is flexible (and we don't have any debt or big bills hanging over our heads!) so he can take extra time when we need him home. Inlaws are happy as we classify as the same house as them (we're a detached extension down the back of their property) so they're still able to see baby through the lockdowns etc. My parents not so happy being on the other side of the world from their first grandchild! Covid has affected so much. Non-human family are going good. Dog absolutely loves baby, and cats are finally accepting that she's not going to be returned so they best get used to her.

I took a walk around the garden a couple days ago, and it's amazing how much it's actually thrived without our input. Yes there's weeds everywhere, but it's also filled with borage and lavender as tall as I am (bees are having a blast) and so many plants I thought weren't going to make it have really flourished. I'd like to get it functioning better for us one day, but in the meantime nature itself is tending to it and it couldn't be healthier. I have no doubt we'll get there eventually, but for now I'm just soaking in all the sleepy baby cuddles, knowing it won't be long at all before my little helper and I can spend our days out there.

How absolutely wonderful to see you baby girl, and hear about her beginning to smile as she recognises you and hubby.  Puddles indeed.
Great you have the support through Hubby's flexie hours, and his parents on site.  Yes enjoy the small bundle of sleepy cuddles, as she will only GROW!!

Speaking of growing, great that nature is taking care of your garden and the bees are good judges of that too. SO no stress for this year, with your plan to slowly prepare for next Spring - 2022.

I am sure you are used to the online tech services while trying to keep in touch with your absent parents (due to covid calamity).  IT is a silver lining in all this respect. And non of us from around the world on P.com would not be learning from each other either - all thanks to IT industry and this website -

Well, I am glad there is another PERMIE kid on the block.  Congratulations.
Stay well and you will find your rhythm of what works for your family.

Howdy,

Congratulations, and hope everyone is doing well,

Here's my $.02 worth.  I do a lot of my gardening this way..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_intensive_gardening

https://www.thespruce.com/what-is-french-intensive-gardening-5184736

Certain things come back yr. after yr. after yr., like weeds,  mustard, Kale, arugula, garlic, spinach, cilantro...some tomatoes but I pull out most or all of them to plant new varieties.

I thought your growing space looked fine!

Sage Chara wrote:Thanks for checking in, Joyce & Barbara!

Had a really rough pregnancy and had to be on bedrest more as the time went on...finished it with a nasty 36 hour labour that ended in a csection anyway :/ Very different than the all natural birth I had wanted! But very thankful for the modern interventions as without them both baby and I probably wouldn't have made it. We managed to make our way through until nearly the end of active labour, but then she got stuck, stressed, and nothing progressed.

All that being said....the garden, the yard, etc, all has been at the very back of my mind these past...five weeks now. We're both doing great, I'm still slowly recovering and enjoying just slowly getting back to being able to do household chores...laundry and the like. I have big plans for the veggie patch, but not going to worry about trying to get it ready quickly, we'll just take our time and hopefully it'll be good by next Spring (next September here). Baby girl is thriving, growing at ridiculous rates, and just started smiling when she sees us which turns hubby and I into puddles :D

How's hubby? And in laws? Parents? etc.
And of course your non-human family too.

Hubby is going good, back at work now, but so thankful his job is flexible (and we don't have any debt or big bills hanging over our heads!) so he can take extra time when we need him home. Inlaws are happy as we classify as the same house as them (we're a detached extension down the back of their property) so they're still able to see baby through the lockdowns etc. My parents not so happy being on the other side of the world from their first grandchild! Covid has affected so much. Non-human family are going good. Dog absolutely loves baby, and cats are finally accepting that she's not going to be returned so they best get used to her.

I took a walk around the garden a couple days ago, and it's amazing how much it's actually thrived without our input. Yes there's weeds everywhere, but it's also filled with borage and lavender as tall as I am (bees are having a blast) and so many plants I thought weren't going to make it have really flourished. I'd like to get it functioning better for us one day, but in the meantime nature itself is tending to it and it couldn't be healthier. I have no doubt we'll get there eventually, but for now I'm just soaking in all the sleepy baby cuddles, knowing it won't be long at all before my little helper and I can spend our days out there.

36 hours of labor damn woman!!! But yeah good thing that at the end everything went good even with a non natural birth.

Aww she's so lovely! thanks for sharing. Have you parents been able to travel yet? I hope they have, specially because is their first one.

Yeah it was a bit of an effort, ha! Unfortunately they're still stuck in Canada...tried to book only for borders to close etc -_- Very thankful for video calls!