POST 247 (DAY 257, Friday, 2021.4.23)
... Alana, our newest boot, was eating homemade organic chocolate, an organic apple, and some organic cashews.. she said smiling, "this is a delicious combination.." I can't help but to agree with her comment.. that was this morning.. prior to her visit, i was alone in the living room, starting the fire.. I hear a voice in my head.. "I'm so tired.. Maybe I'm done.."
... often a tempting voice will suggest quitting when challenge arises.. at least for me it does.. and i used to take that suggestion to quit quite seriously.. but its just one suggestion.. just one mood.. just one option..
... often a quieter, gentler voice will suggest that this too shall pass.. and challenge is simply part of the journey.. and that in many cases challenge IS the journey.. so the option to quit is actually the option to disembark from the ride..
... i chose this journey.. its my privilege to experience all that comes between the start and finish.. and its my honor to see challenge as growth opportunity.. besides--finished never is..
... i'm taking a second personal day--OUT of bed--to reflect and recenter.. its been almost 8 months to the day, since arriving at bootcamp.. and i've taken only one personal day prior to this week.. i'm used to taking 3 personal days every 3 months.. perhaps i'd like to get back to that, because it was really good for my mental health..
... the option to see to the challenge seems more in line with my values than the option to quit.. where would i even go?.. there's much to be grateful for here.. the system that the team has created is a beautiful one, in which the human is honored.. where else in the world can one find a workplace to call truly a home?.. we're building a nest together.. our playground is our huge backyard.. we get to do neat things like build out of natural materials.. we get to eat amazing organic food every single meal of every single day.. we get to be amongst like-minded others in face-to-face proximity, as well as via the gigantic permies portal.. there's so much awesome going on here~!!!... and yet this voice that suggests to me that quitting might be sweeter yet..
... what a lie.. isnt it?.. i no longer invest my energies into the lie that quitting is sweet.. the satisfaction of seeing a challenge through to completion (whether its building a shelf for the first time, or a rock patio, or notching some rafters for the greenhouse.. all for the first time..) is nothing short of a delicacy to be enjoyed for breakfast.. a meal fit for kings and queens.. and we must remember that the grass is greener where it is watered!..
... wherever you are in your life, dear reader, take heart, for this too shall pass.. a high is fleeting and momentary, just as the low... so we row on--looking to the next milestone, and enjoy every second along the way, because the human experience is to feel things.. these feelings need not become my identity.. "i am not a quitter, i just feel like quitting at this moment.. i also feel like rowing on because i know the feelings are not what make me me!".. what makes me me is my choice.. i can identify with the voice from my conscious being, that tells me that I CAN DO THIS.. acknowledge and be gentle to the weakness and doubt, and acknowledge and be supportive of the strength and courage..
... WHY do i write about this?.. its kind of a letter for future Dez.. i hope that finds encouragement and enjoyment in it.. may each milestone reached be celebrated in pomp and circumstance, amongst friends~!.. i write about this because its not always rainbows and organic corns.. sometimes the waters hit hard and heavy, with wind and black clouds.. and rowing on seems like the best option still.. i write to you from permaculture d1sn3yland on this wet, gloomy, beautifully curated day..
... ps.. dare to begin again~..
POST 248 (DAY 258, Saturday, 2021.4.24)
... awoke refreshed this morning.. aahhhhh ... “time to start the day~!!” Replaced the recently normal “just a few more hours in bed~..”... surprise—it’s Saturday! Which means I can sleep in if I want to.. why am I so obsessed with sleep?
... yesterday was very rejuvenating.. I was out of bed, walking around base camp and gardening.. thinking about how I must have let stress creep into my being.. my motto has been for the past decade or so, “if it ain’t fun, don’t do it that way..”.. for me, stress is not fun.. one day at a time.. to add to the value of being here, Paul wants the experience to be fun and enjoyable.. so as long as the work gets done, let’s enjoy!!
POST 249 (DAY 259, Sunday, 2021.4.25)
... I feel lighter.. Alana and I had an impromptu bible study thing yesterday, where we focused on the meanings of “justice” and “mercy” and “humbly”.. I am not a “religious” person, but I do enjoy studying the Bible because many of the philosophies really resonate with me.. I can say the same for Buddhism, etc.. I don’t know if there’s a name for my set of beliefs.. the act of being kind seems to sum up much of it.. back to the gleaning—justice, is the giving of what is indebted, by the debtor.. someone owes and justice gives account.. mercy, is the FORgiving of what is indebted, by the debtee.. someone owes and mercy FORgives the account.. humbly, means simply remembering that I’ve been shown mercy, or keeping near the feeling of the freedom of forgiveness, and expressing that forgiveness just as freely.. as a gift.. thanks for the life-giving, poignant reminder that I was so thirsty for..
POST 250 (DAY 260, Monday, 2021.4.26)
... WELLNESS ASSESSMENT: took some personal time recently.. turned out to be a three day weekend.. I don’t count sundays as weekends because usually I’m mentally preparing for the week ahead.. Thursday all day physical recovery, in sleeping and not eating, intentionally.. because I reset that way.. it was delicious and fruitful.. the fasting helps with mental clarity as well.. I was able to release much of the stressful echos that had been recently furrowing my brows.. still some lingers, so I’ll keep an eye on that.. Friday, slept in until 7:30am.. got up an slowly walked about the campus, emptying my mind of “have to do’s”, and filling it with “get to do’s”.. I GET to garden, I GET to work trade and not worry about money, and I GET to work and live among kind permies.. got to go to lunch with Paul, at the local diner.. received a gift in the mail.. hung out with the kitties without concern for a time limit.. (I remember a precious previous conversation with Amey about the concept of non-limited time.. refreshing).. life is finite, but to enjoy each moment is the way to freedom.. the kitties know this, and so do the plants.. hanging out with them is good for me.. not just a pass and pet, but really be with them.. and blissfully forget about this arbitrary thing called time.. enjoy the realm of experience in presence.. Saturday, cooked a meal for Alana and Paul.. nightshade free curry and rice.. walked up to volcano.. lounged around—my favorite activity of least activity.. favorite activity of most activity is practicing basketball drills.. Sunday, clean house, open the chocolate box, watch two movies (Fast C0lor and I <3 hucab33s), fancy dinner in town (celebration of 200brk posts).. a very refreshing mini vacation.. thank you universe blanket..
... enjoy the pics~!!!
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