POST 247 (DAY 257, Friday, 2021.4.23)
[Morning Entry]
... Alana, our newest
boot, was eating homemade organic chocolate, an organic
apple, and some organic cashews.. she said smiling, "this is a delicious combination.." I can't help but to agree with her comment.. that was this morning.. prior to her visit, i was alone in the living room, starting the fire.. I hear a voice in my head.. "I'm so tired.. Maybe I'm done.."
... often a tempting voice will suggest quitting when challenge arises.. at least for me it does.. and i used to take that suggestion to quit quite seriously.. but its just one suggestion.. just one mood.. just one option..
... often a quieter, gentler voice will suggest that this too shall pass.. and challenge is simply part of the journey.. and that in many cases challenge IS the journey.. so the option to quit is actually the option to disembark from the ride..
... i chose this journey.. its my privilege to
experience all that comes between the start and finish.. and its my honor to see challenge as growth opportunity.. besides--finished never is..
... i'm taking a second personal day--OUT of bed--to reflect and recenter.. its been almost 8 months to the day, since arriving at bootcamp.. and i've taken only one personal day prior to this week.. i'm used to taking 3 personal days every 3 months.. perhaps i'd like to get back to that, because it was really good for my mental health..
... the option to see to the challenge seems more in line with my values than the option to quit.. where would i even go?.. there's much to be grateful for here.. the system that the team has created is a beautiful one, in which the human is honored.. where else in the world can one find a workplace to call truly a home?.. we're building a nest together.. our playground is our huge backyard.. we get to do neat things like build out of natural materials.. we get to eat amazing organic food every single meal of every single day.. we get to be amongst like-minded others in face-to-face proximity, as well as via the gigantic permies portal.. there's so much awesome going on here~!!!... and yet this voice that suggests to me that quitting might be sweeter yet..
... what a lie.. isnt it?.. i no longer invest my energies into the lie that quitting is sweet.. the satisfaction of seeing a challenge through to completion (whether its building a shelf for the first time, or a rock patio, or notching some rafters for the
greenhouse.. all for the first time..) is nothing short of a delicacy to be enjoyed for breakfast.. a meal fit for kings and queens.. and we must remember that the grass is greener where it is watered!..
... wherever you are in your life, dear reader, take heart, for this too shall pass.. a high is fleeting and momentary, just as the low... so we row on--looking to the next milestone, and enjoy every second along the way, because the human experience is to feel things.. these feelings need not become my identity.. "i am not a quitter, i just feel like quitting at this moment.. i also feel like rowing on because i know the feelings are not what make me me!".. what makes me me is my choice.. i can identify with the voice from my conscious being, that tells me that I CAN DO THIS.. acknowledge and be gentle to the weakness and doubt, and acknowledge and be supportive of the strength and courage..
... WHY do i write about this?.. its kind of a letter for future Dez.. i hope that finds encouragement and enjoyment in it.. may each milestone reached be celebrated in pomp and circumstance, amongst friends~!.. i write about this because its not always rainbows and organic corns.. sometimes the waters hit hard and heavy, with wind and black clouds.. and rowing on seems like the best option still.. i write to you from
permaculture d1sn3yland on this wet, gloomy, beautifully curated day..
Sincerely,
Dez =D
... ps.. dare to begin again~..
... Enjoy the pics~!!!
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