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How to meet men: Things every young lady should know  RSS feed

 
gardener
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elle sagenev wrote:

Dale Hodgins wrote:Except when I was married 25 years ago, I have always been the one with the least invested in the relationship, and I've enjoyed the power that that equals. The problem with that is that you end up listening to a lot of complaints, when they figure that out. Many women will say that they are happy keeping it light. But give that a year or two, and it often changes. Then you deal with anger and accusation.



Gotta say Dale, the fact that you enjoy power from being less invested would be a red flag for me. A pretty big one.



That's completely understandable. I'm sure I deserve a good spanking. But I am heavily invested in my current relationship and I was in the one just previous, so I consciously avoided monopolizing power. I think it's a carryover from my work life. I don't really like to be involved in any sort of work, where I deal with equals. I take on the contract, so that I'm in control and then I hire people to do whatever I say.

But that's not the kind of relationship I want, or I would find a girl who lives in a grass hut somewhere and marry her.

I was referencing the list that Mick made, and he had mentioned that the person least invested has all the power. And I saw myself in that mirror.

I have been in the other person's shoes, and I didn't like it one bit. I was very keen on this woman that I had dated a few times and she found time for me, very occasionally. I made numerous calls , before we were ever able to settle on a time to meet .  This happened every time. So, finally I left it with her and said give me a call when you have time. She never did, and that was the end of it.

I think she may have been someone who really enjoyed being pursued, but it went on long enough that it seemed like I had caught her, but she still made it difficult every time. Water under the bridge.
 
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Dale

Figure you know this, but I'll add:  You don't give another power (of some sort), they can't move you. What's the fun in that? Might as well by one of those sex toys. The unexpected is the wine of life. Once I was waiting on a lady and she came out of her room and I literally was on my feet and half way across the room before I had a single solitary thought in my head. Kinda like somebody else was moving my body. Amazing! Those things don't happen that often.

Yeah, I know. Habits are habits. Maybe sometimes let the game move to a field she's strong in. And think, it's usually way more fun to play on a person's strength's than their weakness. Just watch out for you both trying to occupy the same space at the same time; that's not so good a sign.  Best luck.


Rufus
 
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Robert-- thinking about it more, I remembered some things. When I dated someone with kids, I got really emotionally attached to those kids. Then when the relationship ended, those kids weren't a part of my life anymore. It added another layer of grief to the whole thing. It's not something I would ever want to experience again, being told I'm now to take care of this child, and then having that child taken away from my life.
 
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Hi Sarah:

When I dated someone with kids, I got really emotionally attached to those kids. Then when the relationship ended, those kids weren't a part of my life anymore. It added another layer of grief to the whole thing. It's not something I would ever want to experience again, being told I'm now to take care of this child, and then having that child taken away from my life.

 True.  It can be a very hard thing.  That, too, is a strong factor in my world.  

There is a young woman who I just re-met at a wedding this summer.  I'd seen her a couple times in the last few years (as she is still somewhat a part of this small community), but it's been a long time since I lived with her.  I lived with her and her mom for 4 years, starting when she was seven.  Now she's 20.  Not seeing her, after her mom and I split up, was really hard on me.  So I can really relate to what you are saying.  That said, my time spent with her was a great learning time for me, and an incredible experience being a part of her home life, and support and co-parenting.  I had known her mom since before she was born and had met her dozens of times before her mom and I got together, so the bond had already formed, early on.  She was a real blessing to me, and I don't regret having made the choice to be with her mom (even though that didn't work out), as it gave me the opportunity to have that relationship and bond with her at that time.  She was a great kid.  Super smart, independent, adventurous, and very creative and fun to be around.  The time that we spend with anyone can be a blessing to them.  We can make a huge positive impact on a child's life in a short time.  I really believe that.  

It was really unfortunate, though, that she had to witness her mom and I breaking down our relationship, as her parents had split a few years before when she was quite young.  I had also been friends with her dad years before.  Her brothers were older and had both lived with us and with their dad, and although we had been somewhat close, there was never quite the same bond that I had with her.  Still, I miss them quite a lot as well.  I knew her brothers from an early age.  She and I had a really nice talk at the wedding and her brothers were there too.  And it was great to see all of them, including their Mom and her new guy.  The kids were all so grown up and mature now that it's hard to think of them as the young vulnerable kids they were not so long ago.  She now has her hair dyed orange and she has a girlfriend!-I barely recognized her, but I did.  Still the same girl that I knew and cared so much for.  It did bring up a bit of sadness about not having been able to be a part of her life for so long.  

This is not the only occurrence of this situation in my history; just the one that I think about the most.  Not easy.  But life isn't really easy when love and such are involved.  The hard things are the things which teach us the most.  The pain, hurt, and such, come when we open our hearts.  They are part of life, no matter what, especially when we are real ourselves and allow ourselves to be vulnerable in the world.  There is a great song by one of my favorite artists, Scott Cook... "If it won't break your heart, it ain't love."  Almost brings a tear to my eye, every time I hear it. It's just so true. Another quote, I can't remember who said it   "It's better to love and have lost, then to not have loved at all."  Too bad that kids can complicate the situation with the additional potential for grief as they are such a great blessing to be around in the capacity of family.  They deserve to have good people with their parent.  And it's such a shame that so many people choose not to date people who have children, but it's understandable.  When putting myself out in the dating world, I don't rule out a lady who has kids (It's not a deal breaker for me) but it certainly does complicate things, and it definitely gives me pause to consider.  So it's not like I would say that I'm totally OK with it either.  It's something that I would have to weigh out, depending on the situation.  Like everything in permaculture:  It depends on too many factors to say one way or another without a lot of observation.   Sometimes it's a lot easier to simply draw the line.
 
pollinator
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Greg Martin wrote:Mike beat me to this advice (I'm a chemical engineer).  My wife and I have been married for 26 years.  I mentioned this thread to her and her advice was as follows:

"Go for a geek!"  I said, "but wait...." and she said...."Oh course you're not a geek".  So sweet....I'm super geeky.  




Awwwwwww!
 
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Jan White wrote:Maybe this should go on the men's thread cause I don't know if this would work for women or not, but Roberto brought it up here so...

With online dating, he mentioned not contacting certain women because they said they wanted a taller man. I think that's a mistake. I contacted whoever I wanted and let them look at my profile and vital statistics and decide for themselves if something in there was a dealbreaker. Now I know studies have shown that men tend to have a certain type of woman and that's that. Women on the other hand tend to change their type based on their current partner's appearance. My husband is nothing like what I always thought my type was, so don't rule yourself out. Let the other person decide. If your conversation and personality click with the other person I bet a lot of other stuff won't matter so much anymore.



I think that's good advice, though I tend not to follow it ;)  I'm 5'6" and many of the women I've dated were taller than me (it's not hard to find a woman taller than I am), several over 6'.  I've had many women over the years tell me that they didn't realize I was short, which I find funny, and I've had a few women who've stated that they wouldn't date anyone shorter than them tell me that they'd date me.  

So, while my personal experience has been that some women will just throw that criterion out the window if they like the guy, I have to admit that I find it a bit shallow, so I often just move on, which probably makes me just as shallow.  That only applies to internet dating, though, because I have no issue with asking out taller women.  It's probably stupid of me to disqualify them for stating that preference, but there are a lot of women out there.

My advice, then, would be to only use qualifiers if they are 100% deal breakers.  
 
Dale Hodgins
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Women sabotaging other women and themselves.

This is something I've seen happen over and over again. Women who try to raise their own standing through slut shaming or other means. I saw quite a bit of it when I was actively searching on a Philippine dating site. Some women want to know the names of others that you have talked to, because they want to give their opinion on whether she might be a scammer or a slut. Some go into this in their profiles, issuing dire warnings to stay away from certain types. And I suppose that by issuing These Warnings they are trying to convey the they are not one of these women. But it all becomes so negative, that I don't heed any warning they give.   Instead I skip over that profile because she seems like an angry bitch.

There are many others who go over their own positive qualities and leave it at that.

Others go overboard on self depreciation. They will say that they are just a simple girl and not pretty and not too smart. I don't know if they think this is going to help them. But it's common. A few of them contacted me, and I had several pleasant conversations with them. One of their requirements in a man is that he be humble. I always tell them that I'm the very opposite of that and I get them to go and read my profile. I stated that I have no use for Catholicism and I covered that taboo subject of sex extensively. Basically stating that I'm not interested in cold fish. This always sends them running either away from or toward me. Very few have been neutral on these two subjects.

A large number are pretending to be who they aren't. Women with naturally dark skin and kinky hair use a product called celebrity soap which bleaches them whiter than most Swedes. The look is often completed with hair dyed blond. In my profile I said that I hate the bleached china doll look and prefer people in their natural color. The coolest girl on the site is a 22 year old, strikingly beautiful woman with dark skin. She's looking for someone 20 years younger than me, but she sent me a message saying, "Dale, you are a twisted, sick man, with problems, and I like that." Then she thanked me for striking a blow for the natural girls. In her profile, she lists her appearance as "smokin hot." She's not having any success and before I became attached, I encouraged her to try the older crowd, meaning me. She agreed that if she went that way, I would be first in line but then she told me that I'd die of a heart attack if she got her hands on me. And that was the end of it. We've talked a few times but that was never in the cards. I don't know what to make of how these girls choose to present themselves. This beautiful smart girl presents herself in a very positive way and gets no results. And I know that some of the extremely self depreciating ones have found mates, which seems backward to me.

The other way that I see these women beating up on others, is the way they talk about other women that have children. I suppose there's a good chance that bar girls have children, but many of the women who have children, were in what they thought was a good marriage, until their husband ran off. Quite a few are are widows. But a single girl who is trying to narrow the field, will often go the slut shaming route, even though she doesn't know the woman in question. And it's done very subtly. Statements like, I don't know about girls like that. It doesn't really say much, except that they are girls like that.

The jealousy thing is rampant. We are all on a site that contains thousands of potential mates for both males and females. Within a few days, some will ask if you are willing to erase your other contacts in favor of her. The majority will also try to move men to Whatsapp or Skype or other one-on-one communication, where they won't always be looking at a sea of pretty faces.
 
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Dale Hodgins wrote:Don't look for fixer uppers. The guy is going to be whoever he is.

You may find that there's a guy with many good qualities, but there's something about him that you really really don't like. Resist the temptation to get fixated on those good qualities, with a plan to renovate him later. It's not likely to happen the way you think. He's going to remain the way he is, and you may find this incredibly irritating.



Hello, I am new to permies.  You make a good point Dale. Change will happen over time, naturally. But it won't happen according to a woman's expectations or time frame. AND it may trigger the guy to resist, even if he sees potential in her.

Don't push too much on wanting or "NEEDING" TO BE MARRIED with children. You can certainly share your interest in marriage and children, but if a guy is resistant,  move on or if you still like other qualities in the guy, maybe chill and see where the relationship takes you both naturally. You just never know where life will take you, and life will take you where you belong, whether perceptionally "positive" or  perceptionally "negative". It is all lessons we need to learn. You may not end up with children but still live a wonderful life,  or have children together and be met with unforseen perceptionally negative circumstances. There are so many variables and complexities. You are where and when you need to be at any given moment.  Ever hear "The Story of the Chinese Farmer"? Look this up on youtube if you haven't. It can be very thought provoking.
 
K Cee
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Dale Hodgins wrote:Women sabotaging other women and themselves.

This is something I've seen happen over and over again. Women who try to raise their own standing through slut shaming or other means. I saw quite a bit of it when I was actively searching on a Philippine dating site. Some women want to know the names of others that you have talked to, because they want to give their opinion on whether she might be a scammer or a slut. Some go into this in their profiles, issuing dire warnings to stay away from certain types. And I suppose that by issuing These Warnings they are trying to convey the they are not one of these women. But it all becomes so negative, that I don't heed any warning they give.   Instead I skip over that profile because she seems like an angry bitch.

There are many others who go over their own positive qualities and leave it at that.

Others go overboard on self depreciation. They will say that they are just a simple girl and not pretty and not too smart. I don't know if they think this is going to help them. But it's common. A few of them contacted me, and I had several pleasant conversations with them. One of their requirements in a man is that he be humble. I always tell them that I'm the very opposite of that and I get them to go and read my profile. I stated that I have no use for Catholicism and I covered that taboo subject of sex extensively. Basically stating that I'm not interested in cold fish. This always sends them running either away from or toward me. Very few have been neutral on these two subjects.

A large number are pretending to be who they aren't. Women with naturally dark skin and kinky hair use a product called celebrity soap which bleaches them whiter than most Swedes. The look is often completed with hair dyed blond. In my profile I said that I hate the bleached china doll look and prefer people in their natural color. The coolest girl on the site is a 22 year old, strikingly beautiful woman with dark skin. She's looking for someone 20 years younger than me, but she sent me a message saying, "Dale, you are a twisted, sick man, with problems, and I like that." Then she thanked me for striking a blow for the natural girls. In her profile, she lists her appearance as "smokin hot." She's not having any success and before I became attached, I encouraged her to try the older crowd, meaning me. She agreed that if she went that way, I would be first in line but then she told me that I'd die of a heart attack if she got her hands on me. And that was the end of it. We've talked a few times but that was never in the cards. I don't know what to make of how these girls choose to present themselves. This beautiful smart girl presents herself in a very positive way and gets no results. And I know that some of the extremely self depreciating ones have found mates, which seems backward to me.

The other way that I see these women beating up on others, is the way they talk about other women that have children. I suppose there's a good chance that bar girls have children, but many of the women who have children, were in what they thought was a good marriage, until their husband ran off. Quite a few are are widows. But a single girl who is trying to narrow the field, will often go the slut shaming route, even though she doesn't know the woman in question. And it's done very subtly. Statements like, I don't know about girls like that. It doesn't really say much, except that they are girls like that.

The jealousy thing is rampant. We are all on a site that contains thousands of potential mates for both males and females. Within a few days, some will ask if you are willing to erase your other contacts in favor of her. The majority will also try to move men to Whatsapp or Skype or other one-on-one communication, where they won't always be looking at a sea of pretty faces.



I have found that most dating sites are chuck full of scammers and catfish. Especially those that offer free chat or messages.  If they ask you to text them, give your google hangouts address, avoid at all costs.  This is absolutely a scammer/catfish or as I say catphish scam.   There is a vulnerability in google hangouts and even android, perhaps other devices, where they can send a file that once it is received by your device, you can't stop it from downloading to your device,, they can hack your device and take it over.  There are articles explaining this better than I just have.  I call it the text me scam. They avoid most personal questions or take other people pictures and profile info and just copy and paste.  They will avoid sending a custom picture with you asking them to hold up a sign saying something super unique while showing their face.  This is the best way to detect scammers that I have found. They will even argue how dumb of an idea it is, that you should just trust them.

I have literally spent hours testing out different scenarios to see what happens. These are scammers.  About 95-99.999% are scammers on dating profiles. It is best not to give the benefit of the doubt.  Some are easier to detect than others, some can act very normal-ish, even seem intelligent. But if you take your time and ask plenty of questions, they will lose interest because you are not providing them with what they are looking for.
 
Sarah Koster
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Dale Hodgins wrote:This beautiful smart girl presents herself in a very positive way and gets no results. And I know that some of the extremely self depreciating ones have found mates, which seems backward to me.



I think that if a man is confident and secure in himself, he finds those traits attractive in others. I think that if he's insecure, he finds confidence in others intimidating. Maybe some women depreciate themselves to make themselves more appealing to insecure guys? Anyway, I agree that it's totally backwards, but the less secure in their self a person is, the more likely they are to lower their standards and cling to someone who may not be that great for them. When someone is confident in who they are and what they want, and willing to wait for it, it shrinks the pool of potential mates down to a few great people or nobody at all.
 
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