elle sagenev wrote:
Dale Hodgins wrote:Except when I was married 25 years ago, I have always been the one with the least invested in the relationship, and I've enjoyed the power that that equals. The problem with that is that you end up listening to a lot of complaints, when they figure that out. Many women will say that they are happy keeping it light. But give that a year or two, and it often changes. Then you deal with anger and accusation.
Gotta say Dale, the fact that you enjoy power from being less invested would be a red flag for me. A pretty big one.
True. It can be a very hard thing. That, too, is a strong factor in my world.
When I dated someone with kids, I got really emotionally attached to those kids. Then when the relationship ended, those kids weren't a part of my life anymore. It added another layer of grief to the whole thing. It's not something I would ever want to experience again, being told I'm now to take care of this child, and then having that child taken away from my life.
Greg Martin wrote:Mike beat me to this advice (I'm a chemical engineer). My wife and I have been married for 26 years. I mentioned this thread to her and her advice was as follows:
"Go for a geek!" I said, "but wait...." and she said...."Oh course you're not a geek". So sweet....I'm super geeky.
Jan White wrote:Maybe this should go on the men's thread cause I don't know if this would work for women or not, but Roberto brought it up here so...
With online dating, he mentioned not contacting certain women because they said they wanted a taller man. I think that's a mistake. I contacted whoever I wanted and let them look at my profile and vital statistics and decide for themselves if something in there was a dealbreaker. Now I know studies have shown that men tend to have a certain type of woman and that's that. Women on the other hand tend to change their type based on their current partner's appearance. My husband is nothing like what I always thought my type was, so don't rule yourself out. Let the other person decide. If your conversation and personality click with the other person I bet a lot of other stuff won't matter so much anymore.
Dale Hodgins wrote:Don't look for fixer uppers. The guy is going to be whoever he is.
You may find that there's a guy with many good qualities, but there's something about him that you really really don't like. Resist the temptation to get fixated on those good qualities, with a plan to renovate him later. It's not likely to happen the way you think. He's going to remain the way he is, and you may find this incredibly irritating.
Dale Hodgins wrote:Women sabotaging other women and themselves.
This is something I've seen happen over and over again. Women who try to raise their own standing through slut shaming or other means. I saw quite a bit of it when I was actively searching on a Philippine dating site. Some women want to know the names of others that you have talked to, because they want to give their opinion on whether she might be a scammer or a slut. Some go into this in their profiles, issuing dire warnings to stay away from certain types. And I suppose that by issuing These Warnings they are trying to convey the they are not one of these women. But it all becomes so negative, that I don't heed any warning they give. Instead I skip over that profile because she seems like an angry bitch.
There are many others who go over their own positive qualities and leave it at that.
Others go overboard on self depreciation. They will say that they are just a simple girl and not pretty and not too smart. I don't know if they think this is going to help them. But it's common. A few of them contacted me, and I had several pleasant conversations with them. One of their requirements in a man is that he be humble. I always tell them that I'm the very opposite of that and I get them to go and read my profile. I stated that I have no use for Catholicism and I covered that taboo subject of sex extensively. Basically stating that I'm not interested in cold fish. This always sends them running either away from or toward me. Very few have been neutral on these two subjects.
A large number are pretending to be who they aren't. Women with naturally dark skin and kinky hair use a product called celebrity soap which bleaches them whiter than most Swedes. The look is often completed with hair dyed blond. In my profile I said that I hate the bleached china doll look and prefer people in their natural color. The coolest girl on the site is a 22 year old, strikingly beautiful woman with dark skin. She's looking for someone 20 years younger than me, but she sent me a message saying, "Dale, you are a twisted, sick man, with problems, and I like that." Then she thanked me for striking a blow for the natural girls. In her profile, she lists her appearance as "smokin hot." She's not having any success and before I became attached, I encouraged her to try the older crowd, meaning me. She agreed that if she went that way, I would be first in line but then she told me that I'd die of a heart attack if she got her hands on me. And that was the end of it. We've talked a few times but that was never in the cards. I don't know what to make of how these girls choose to present themselves. This beautiful smart girl presents herself in a very positive way and gets no results. And I know that some of the extremely self depreciating ones have found mates, which seems backward to me.
The other way that I see these women beating up on others, is the way they talk about other women that have children. I suppose there's a good chance that bar girls have children, but many of the women who have children, were in what they thought was a good marriage, until their husband ran off. Quite a few are are widows. But a single girl who is trying to narrow the field, will often go the slut shaming route, even though she doesn't know the woman in question. And it's done very subtly. Statements like, I don't know about girls like that. It doesn't really say much, except that they are girls like that.
The jealousy thing is rampant. We are all on a site that contains thousands of potential mates for both males and females. Within a few days, some will ask if you are willing to erase your other contacts in favor of her. The majority will also try to move men to Whatsapp or Skype or other one-on-one communication, where they won't always be looking at a sea of pretty faces.
Dale Hodgins wrote:This beautiful smart girl presents herself in a very positive way and gets no results. And I know that some of the extremely self depreciating ones have found mates, which seems backward to me.