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jokes

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Location: southern Illinois, USA
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I bumped into an old friend on the net. She taught geometry and trigonometry in high school.  Of course, she has retired. She says she is doing fine but having some problems dealing with the after math.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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If you are in a difficult situation and one door closes while another door opens  … your house is probably haunted.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Years ago, when we were married, my wife and I were to spend our honeymoon at an old grand hotel overlooking the Ohio River called “The Fiddler”.  It turned out to be a vile inn.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Location: southern Illinois, USA
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Stumbled on an old cook book about cooking with fowl. Today I made a Tern for the Wurst.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3547
Location: Maine, zone 5
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Where does a boat go when it doesn't feel well?
To the dock.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Coydon Wallham
pioneer
Posts: 1040
Location: Inter Michigan-Superior Woodland Forest
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Two silk worms decided to have a race.

They ended up in a tie.

Become extra-civilized!

 
Coydon Wallham
pioneer
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My girlfriend asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I did. We had drinks. He's a nice guy, works in web development.

Become extra-civilized!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Mirriam-Webster's Thesaurus spilled it's cargo leaving Toronto heading down the 401.

Witnesses were stunned, startled aghast, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, confounded, astonished, and numbed.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Coydon Wallham
pioneer
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Location: Inter Michigan-Superior Woodland Forest
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Jay Angler wrote:A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Mirriam-Webster's Thesaurus spilled it's cargo leaving Toronto heading down the 401.

Witnesses were stunned, startled aghast, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, confounded, astonished, and numbed.


Just shows how important it is to go with the old stand-by cultural icons. I bought a thesaurus that was generated by an AI. I'm pretty disappointed- not only did it suck, but it kinda sucked.

Become extra-civilized!

 
John F Dean
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When I went to get the mail, I saw that the neighbor kid took the time to build a snowman and carve a 6 pack into it.  He explained to me that it was an abdominal snowman.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Greg Martin
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Location: Maine, zone 5
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I ran a marathon in Sweden.
I knew I was lost when I crossed the Finnish line.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14751
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What did the gardener say after planting all the flowers?
“Now, I’m just rooting for them!”

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 3123
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
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Priest: You may now read the vows you have prepared.
Groom: I think I may have misunderstood the assignment...
Bride: It's ok honey, just read what you have.
Groom A   E   I   O....

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Matt McSpadden
gardener
Posts: 3123
Location: Central Maine (Zone 5a)
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Boy: Mom! I can't find my other shoe!

Mom: Well, it didn't grow legs and walk away, keep looking.

Boy: I can't find the toothpaste.

Mom: Toothpaste can't just grow legs and walk away, look a little harder.

Boy: My remote control car is gone!

Mom: It has to be somewhere, it didn't just grow legs and walk away.

Boy: Mom! I can't find my tadpole!

Mom: ..............

"When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind." C.S. Lewis
Visit https://themaineingredient.com for organic, premium dried culinary herbs that are grown, processed, and packaged in the USA.

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15875
Location: SW Missouri
11974
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This morning some clown held the door for me.

I thought "That's a nice jester!"

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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What do cartographers give to their loved ones on Valentine’s Day?

Compass roses.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine’s Day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower. “Gold Medal All Purpose” apparently wasn’t the answer.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
See Hes
pollinator
Posts: 550
Location: Ban Mak Ya Thailand Zone 11-12
221
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Day by day events on our farm can be turned into some cartoons
(sorry if I posted some here already but I cannot find them back)

7 Stray dogs adapted and what ever came on our farm and stayed forever.
Rod Steward (his hair style gave him the name) was even brought about 20 Kilometers away because he is a loose cannon, but only two days later he was back at his favorite spot
seven.jpg
our Scallywagg Name: 7 from eleven. Former stray dog and now the center of chaos on the farm.
our Scallywagg Name: 7 from eleven. Former stray dog and now the center of chaos on the farm.
Z-Angry-Bird-Cartoon.jpg
Rod Steward the cattle heron. Our lake is so full of shrimps that he lost all fear and claims his part of the farm
Rod Steward the cattle heron. Our lake is so full of shrimps that he lost all fear and claims his part of the farm

In modern times the only right way forward is to come back to nature.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I went to the hardware store to get thinner … it didn’t work.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Andrew Welser
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John F Dean wrote:If you are in a difficult situation and one door closes while another door opens  … your house is probably haunted.



When one door closes, another door opens...

Other than that, it's a pretty good car!
 
Ned Harr
pollinator
Posts: 430
Location: Klumbis Oh Hah, Zone 6
181
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Overheard elsewhere online:

Rich Oilman:
“I can wake up early in the morning, get in my pickup and drive and drive and still not reach the end of my property by noon…”

Farmer:
“I used to have a pickup like that, too!”
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 933
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Me:    "I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy".

Server:   "........ maybe the chicken strips for $6?"

Me:    "Maybe it does, but that doesn't help with my hunger."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 15875
Location: SW Missouri
11974
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I always prefer the British spelling of " diarrhea"  which is "diarrhoea" because it really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Anna Hutchins
Posts: 22
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A beloved woman passed away who was survived by her husband and three best friends.  Her friends were a brunette, a redhead, and a blond.  

At the funeral her husband shared eloquently about their life together then asked if her friends had anything to add.

The brunette came forward and said....

"Plethera."

"Thank you," said the husband.  "That means a lot."

Then the redhead came forward and said...

"Bargain."

"Thank you, that means a good deal," added the husband.

Finally the blond came forward and said...

"Water pit."

"And thank you," said the husband.    "I know you meant well."
 
Ned Harr
pollinator
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181
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Snowboarding would be torture in the warmer months.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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A man went to the doctor's office with a terrible addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

He will recover, but it will be a rocky road.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 14751
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
9073
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Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?”

The other one says, “I'm a big metal fan.”

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.


What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
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