jokes

Great news!   I just sold my first truck load of fertilizer.  Yes, I am an Entremanure!

Every full moon, I keep turning into a re-sealable plastic dish.
Yes, folks, I have become a tupperwarewolf.

Not my mines,
not my Balrog.

(Bit of a geek check there, but spotted on Twitter and got me cracking up! Had to share! )

I just read a mystery. The entire plot line was based upon how a knot was tied.  It was pretty boring … except for the twist at the end.

I guess an apology is in order. Is just reread some of my jokes and realized they can be a little confusing.  I have a real problem in using big words that I don’t fully photosynthesis.

I decided to let my mate set me up on a blind date. I was a little worried.
"What do I do if she's ugly?"
My mates says
"Don't worry. When you meet her, if you don't like what you see just shout Aaaaaarrrrggghhhh!!! and fake an asthma attack."
So later that night I knocked on her door and when she came out she was the most beautiful and sexiest woman I'd ever met.
Then she suddenly shouts "Aaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!!!"; and starts rolling around on the floor.....

Why doesn't England have a designated kidney bank? They have a 'Liverpool'.

I don’t buy flowers from monks.

I like to do my bit to prevent florist friars.

Test rode a Jaguar today.
Very fast but the ride was bumpy and the saddle kept falling off.
I also think he tried to bite me.

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive,
They would eventually find me attractive.

One minute your young and fun.
The next minute your predicting the weather with you bad knee.

The good news is I made it to the golden years.
Bad news is there isn't any gold.

Years ago I tried to get my sister to name her child Pollen, but she felt too much stigma would be attached.

Has anyone else had problems trusting their economics instructor?  I mean if they really knew the subject, why would they be teaching?

I just got an emotional support animal.

It's a pig,  Not the whole pig.

Ok, it's bacon.

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?"
"Yes" Paddy replies.
The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"
Paddy answers "I am hoping it is going to be time an a half".

How do beavers use social media?

– They log in.

What does the English owl call his favorite TV show?

Dr. Whoot.

There once was a village whose mayors were all named Benny and had magnificent beards
Legend held that if a mayor shaved his beard off, an ancient curse would transform him into a piece of pottery.

Centuries passed and every Benny was a fair and wise mayor, and never shaved their beards. But one summer, their land was struck by a terrible heat wave. All the men of the village shaved their beards, but Benny couldn't.

After days and days of sweltering temperatures, Benny could no longer stand it. He summoned the village barber and had his beard shaved right down to the skin. The people of the village barely had time to gaze upon their newly-shorn mayor's face before he disappeared in a puff of smoke, transformed into a vase.

And so it was on that day, the villagers knew the curse was true: a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

So after 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.  On and on and on:
Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable an entire laundry
list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around
the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and
passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.  The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.
Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

My favorite Essential Oil is bacon grease.

Normally I can keep my kleptomania under control. But when it get really bad, I take something for it.

Recently ran into this test for mental illness.  When emptying a bathtub, would you use a teaspoon, a cup, or a bucket?

Breasts prove that men can focus on two things at once

If you're asking me for advice,

I'm going to assume you are out of all other rational options.

"Convicted hitman, Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy, confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures... police admit this may be the first known case of a 'nick knack paddy whack'." - Collin Mochrie

A beaver walks into a bar and says, "excuse me, is the bar tender here?"

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for winter in Hell.

Ole says, "Vell yah know, ve're from Minnesota, a land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're just happy to finally be varm for a change."

Satan tries to reply, but can't think of anything, and so walks away scratching his head. Finally he gets an idea. So they want to be warm, do they? He goes over to Hell's thermostat and turns the dial up a few notches. "That'll show those Minnesotans," Satan said with a smile.

The next day, hell was experiencing a heat wave, and the screams of the tormented were even louder. Music to Satan's ears. As he's wandering through on his daily round, he again comes upon Ole and Sven, who are now sitting with their gloves off and parkas unzipped. Satan is flabbergasted, and asks them why they're still wearing their winter gear.

"Vell," Sven says, "ve're still a bit chilly, but dis here heat vave is nice, yah know. Gonna be a good summer in Hell dis year, yah?"

Satan throws up his hands and leaves. I'll show 'em this time, he thinks. He heads back to Hell's thermostat, and rips the cover off of it. After tweaking a couple wires, he cranks the dial as high as it'll go. "That'll fix 'em", he said confidently.

The next day, Hell is blazing. Even Satan himself is sweating waterfalls as he seeks out Ole and Sven to witness their suffering. He finally finds them and is shocked by what he sees. Next to a lava pool, Ole and Sven are wearing jeans and t-shirts, standing next to an open grill and laughing as they drink beers.

"What the hell are you doing??!" Satan cries as he walks up to them.

Ole notices him and says, "Vell, ven da veather gets varn like dis, you gotta have a fish fry. Can't let nice days like dis go to vaste, don'cha know."

"Gahh!" Satan screams as he pulls on his horns and storms away. There's gotta be a way to get them, he thinks, but what? Then he remembers what Ole said about where they were from. Maybe I've been approaching their torment wrong, Satan thinks with a smile. He goes back to Hell's thermostat, and this time, cranks the dial as low as it'll go. I've got them this time, Satan thinks.

The next day, Hell is coated in ice. The lava pools have frozen over, gigantic icicles hang from the ceiling, and the tormented souls are shivering too much to cry in pain. Even the demons are visibly uncomfortable.

Satan skips with glee through Hell, intent on finding the Minnesotans and finally seeing them suffer. He finally finds them, and just stops. Before him, Ole and Sven are back in their winter gear, but they're dancing around and cheering.

Satan finally snaps. "First you love the heat, and now you love the cold?" he said. "What is wrong with you Minnesotans??"

Sven stops cheering long enough to say, "Don'cha know? Hell froze over! Dat means da Vikings von da Superbowl!"

Don't give up on your dreams.........

Go back to bed.

Dennis Barrow wrote:Don't give up on your dreams.........

Go back to bed.

The good news is: your dreams really can come true!

The bad news is: there's always that one dream... where you show up to class naked... better watch out for that one! :o

Patient:  Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this...
Doctor: Don't do that.

Patient: Doctor, but I hurt in so many places...
Doctor: Stop hanging out in those kinds of places.

Imagine how much sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip-flops.

My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

Not all who wander are lost....

Some of us are just looking for firewood.....

Those who like my jokes are happier, more intelligent and better looking than those who don't:

According to a study I made up.