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jokes

 
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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I'm never taking cooking instructions literally again...

It said "chill in the fridge for an hour"...

I nearly died.
 
Jay Angler
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Why did the chicken join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks.


Sorry, this one's a bit lame...
 
Posts: 11
Location: Ohio
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She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature chicken.
 
Daisy Pickett
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Location: Ohio
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Daisy Pickett wrote:She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature chicken.



Their relationship was as explosive as potato salad sitting in the sun at a 4th of July picnic.
 
Steward of piddlers
Posts: 7708
Location: Upstate New York, Zone 5b, 43 inch Avg. Rainfall
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A goose goes to the grocery store and gets in line at the register with a stick of chapstick.

The cashier says "Cash or Credit?"

The goose says "Neither, just put it on my bill."
 
Timothy Norton
Steward of piddlers
Posts: 7708
Location: Upstate New York, Zone 5b, 43 inch Avg. Rainfall
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What do you call a pig with no legs?

A groundhog.
 
master gardener
Posts: 2390
Location: Zone 5
1381
ancestral skills forest garden foraging composting toilet fiber arts bike medical herbs seed writing ungarbage
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What do you call it when someone comes and visits your mind from afar just to talk your ear off without letting you speak?

Lemmetellyapathy.
 
pollinator
Posts: 961
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
558
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
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When you first meet me you'll think I'm on medication.

As you get to know me you'll wonder why I'm not.
 
steward
Posts: 3557
Location: Maine, zone 5
2179
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I accidentally drank a little Axe Body Spray.  Now I speak with an Axe scent.  
 
Daisy Pickett
Posts: 11
Location: Ohio
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Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball.
 
master steward
Posts: 8537
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3440
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I landed a part time job. My boss wanted to sign me up for 401 K. I told him there was no way I was going to run that far.
 
M Ljin
master gardener
Posts: 2390
Location: Zone 5
1381
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My friend tried to grow jerusalem artichokes. It was a complete success. The voles didn’t eat them. I’m joking by the way.
 
M Ljin
master gardener
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I met a man who only ate burdock burrs day after day. He didn’t like them boiled either, just chewed them raw, and ate little else. One day someone suggested he put some vinegar and oil and cheese in with them, but he turned up his nose at that idea.

“Burdock burrs are fine for me! I don’t know what I’d do without them. I just tried them one day, and they became a habit that stuck.”
 
Posts: 113
Location: West-central Pennsylvania
59
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Act my age??
I've never been this age before.
 
Blaine Clark
Posts: 113
Location: West-central Pennsylvania
59
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One just can't have a good and decent Slaughter without Laughter.
 
Blaine Clark
Posts: 113
Location: West-central Pennsylvania
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Feller opened a laundry next door to a convent. He stopped by once and inquired if they had any dirty habits.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8537
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3440
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This morning I woke up with a completely fresh perspective on life. I decided it was foolish to give up on my dreams. So, I went back to sleep.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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I am seriously beginning to question my MD.  I am 6’3”, but according to the BMI chart in his office, I am too short.
 
John F Dean
master steward
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I noticed the time stamp on one of my above posts. That begs a question. At what point in life does 4:00 AM become early in the morning rather than late at night?
 
steward & author
Posts: 46284
Location: Left Coast Canada
18730
10
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My grandfather swears by putting horse manure on his rhubarb
But I find it tastes much better with custard
 
r ransom
steward & author
Posts: 46284
Location: Left Coast Canada
18730
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How Do Coffee Beans Say Goodbye?
They say, "See you latte!"
 
r ransom
steward & author
Posts: 46284
Location: Left Coast Canada
18730
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Why Don’t Coffee Beans Ever Get Into Trouble?
Because they’re always grounded.
 
r ransom
steward & author
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What Do You Call a Cow That Just Had a Baby?
De-calf-inated.
 
r ransom
steward & author
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Location: Left Coast Canada
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A man went to his doctor and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he gets a stabbing pain in his right eye


The doctor said, "Have you tried taking the spoon out of your cup before drinking?"
 
M Ljin
master gardener
Posts: 2390
Location: Zone 5
1381
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Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry,
The best thing for wiping the stove clean and dry.
If I hadn’t rye whiskey I’m sure I would die
For shame that my house should be filthy as a sty.  
 
Jay Angler
master steward
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How much did the chef pay for pasta?

A penne.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 961
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
558
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I wonder if Beano is considered a seasoning, for beans?
 
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious - Oscar Wilde
Willow Feeder Bundle: Movie, eBook and Plans
https://permies.com/wiki/359686/Willow-Feeder-Bundle-Movie-eBook
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