jokes

What kind of flooring do lizards use?

Reptiles.

The farmer caught Jeb with his daughter, pulled a shotgun, and told him "Marry her or I'm going to kill you!"
It was a wife or death decision

Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.  

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

Did you hear about the mute motorcycle gang?

They don’t answer to nobody.

What is the difference between a holler and a valley?

It’s a matter of volume.

I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour crying and wet myself.

A friend of mine got a job as a bus driver because he was so good at telling people where to get off.

What kind of stone do they traditionally use to make ondols  (the Korean heated stone slab bed)?

Bedrock

Want to hear a Swedish joke?

Never mind, there's Norway I could Finnish it.

Thoughts that bother me:  Assuming that the Mississippi River is the dividing line, why isn’t Colorado the Midwest and Ohio the Mideast?

Which kind of snake keeps the car cleanest?

A windshield viper!

Strange times.  I was invited to a seance the other night.  It got raided. The medium conducting it was arrested for possession.

I was probably 9 years old when I realized the man I thought was my father was really my faux pa

An old snake is feeling his age.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

If you rip a hole in a net, are you actually fixing it? because now it has fewer holes?

Why do we call it after dark... when it is really after light?

You know, I must have told my wife a million times to stop exaggerating.

Thoughts that bother me:  The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.

It still bothers  me. When a relative died I ordered a headstone but misspelled the name on the instructions.   I can’t believe I made such a grave mistake.

Signs You Might Be from Montana
The wind is faster than your truck.
You own more than four pairs of gloves.
Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
The sun goes down and you immediately grab your coat.
In March your vehicle is 43% mud.
You leave your keys in your car and the next morning it's still there.
You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.
Wolves are naturally free, and house cats are on a leash.
You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced as "crick."
The elevation exceeds the population of your town.
Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 9:00.
The jug of milk on your porch is frozen.
Your vehicle is broken down on the highway and someone stops to help you ... and you trust them!
You can pay for a Big Mac with a personal check.
There's a bison in your lane.
Your central heating system is fueled by large logs.
You can see the stars at night.
People drive 200+ miles to shop at a mall.
Your great-grandmother is older than the courthouse.
You got a set of new snow tires for Valentine's Day.
Your minister shows up Sunday morning wearing Carhartt coveralls.
More than half the meat in your freezer is elk.
The term "wind chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.
The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
Your backyard smells like sagebrush (or the nearest feedlot).
You put on a pair of snow boots to get the morning paper.
You enjoy a hot chocolate more than a margarita.
A girls' basketball game fills the school gym.
You put the car heater on your list of best friends.
Tractors are a normal part of traffic.
You use your back porch as a freezer from October thru May.
Your telephone book is smaller than most magazines.
You have made jerky at least once in your life.
You think it's normal to replace your cracked windshield every spring when you take off the studded snow tires.
Dressing up means wearing a clean flannel shirt and jeans that aren't too dirty.
You pronounce Kootenai as "COOT-nee."
You can tell it was a bad winter because there are only 50 or 60 deer grazing at the edge of town.
You've seen so many bald eagles you don't even pay attention to them anymore.
You go around in shorts when it's 45 degrees (F) outside.
You consider someone a neighbor if they live only 6 or 7 miles away.
You wave to every car on the highway, whether you're on foot or driving or even sitting on the creek bank with your back to the road.
You ignore the center line and drive on whichever part of the road is smoothest, driest, or feels safest.
Your idea of Mexican cuisine is elk chili and bear tacos.
You know what "Montana potatoes" are.
You've patched your jeans by using duct tape.

Hey, Phil, that's word-for-word true!

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

I stumbled on this yesterday, which made me laugh far more than it probably should have done...

I am extremely upset!
I was at the grocery store just now and someone threw an entire bottle of Omega-3 pills at me.

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

It appears that in my area rabbits are mating with skunks and producing some really nasty offspring.  Anyway the warning on the radio said we were to watch out for the rabbit-skunks.

In banana years................... we're all bread.