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jokes

Greg Martin

steward

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Location: Maine, zone 5

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I slept like a log last night…
woke up in the fireplace.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Greg Martin

steward

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Location: Maine, zone 5

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Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest!

50 is the new.... what was I saying?

(Finally happened...I've crossed into my 50s)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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With 2020 going the way it has, if a clown invited me into the woods, I would just go.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

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You know, the thing I hate most about parallel parking is the wittnesses.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Jeff Marchand

pollinator

Posts: 312

Location: Eastern Ontario

120

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A man asks his sister to watch his house and cat while he takes an extended vacation.
Half way through his vacation he checks in, "How is Fluffy?"
"He is dead, he fell out of tree and got hit by a car".
"How could you break the news to me like that? You need to soften the blow somehow. Like tell me his is stuck up a tree and then when I call next then you tell me he fell and got run over. My God what is wrong with you? Anyways how is Mom?"

His sister pauses for a long while and says " She is stuck up a tree"

Do, there is no try --- Yoda
No one is interested in something you didn't do--- Gord Downie

Jeff Marchand

pollinator

Posts: 312

Location: Eastern Ontario

120

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A travelling salesman was plying his wares at a small country farm. He asks the farmer about a three legged pig that seems to have free run of the place.
"That pig is the best big you ever hope to see! Last year we had a small fire in the barn, That pig bust out of his pen and woke us up. He saved the farm that day!"
"Did he loose his leg in the fire?" asks the salesman.
"Oh no, you cant eat a pig that good all at once!"

Do, there is no try --- Yoda
No one is interested in something you didn't do--- Gord Downie

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of
the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly, asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

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Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

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A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.
He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

Pearl Sutton

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Posts: 16269

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An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a functional bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

John F Dean

master steward

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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I need to let someone here know that I have been quarantined with my wife for the better part of 6 months. So, if I am found dead ....it wasn't the COVID.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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I never imagined the day would come that I would go to the bank wearing a mask and ask for money.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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I am pretty sure I graduated from the only college in the country where no one paid bribes to attend.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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As 2020 is winding down, and we are beginning to seek some hope for the new year ... just remember .... we still haven't seen the Murder Hornets!

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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My wife and I stopped by a big box store this evening. Yes, it was pushing the season with the Christmas displays. But you know, some of those plastic trees look as good as the real metal ones.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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Well, anyway, I got off to an early start this morning, so i grabbed lunch a little early ..., a can of alphabet soup. Then i had a vowel movement.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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Hey, remember when we used to TP the houses of people we DIDN'T like?

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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Yesterday I put a couple of hours into cleaning out the barn. Although I am well past the age, I realized someone had taken my limbo stick. I mean, how low can you go?!!

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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Do you think glass coffins will ever catch on? Remains to be seen.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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It is easy to get down in this Covid crisis. Always remember you are unique ... just like everyone else.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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Have you ever wondered how nudists clean their glasses?

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Greg Martin

steward

Posts: 3576

Location: Maine, zone 5

2219

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A poultry farmer was distressed because his chickens stopped laying eggs. He didn’t know what to do about it, but one of his friends, a physicist, offered to help.
The physicist came out to the farm, took a bunch of measurements, and went back home to analyze the data.
The physicist called the farmer on the phone and said: “Okay, I have a solution for your problem, though it might only work with spherical chickens in a vacuum.”

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Greg Martin

steward

Posts: 3576

Location: Maine, zone 5

2219

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Parallel lines have so much in common....
it's a shame they'll never meet!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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Hell, I knew to stop shaking hands as soon as I realized everyone was out of TP.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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I thought about making a sodium joke, but after giving it some thought ... NA

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Heather Sharpe

gardener

Posts: 828

Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam

595

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16 sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

John F Dean

master steward

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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Butterflies aren't what they used to be.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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Yesterday I decided to reform my diet. I removed all the unhealthy food from my refrigerator. It was delicious!

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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In high school my teachers called me average. I thought that was mean.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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Have you ever considered that clapping was hitting yourself because you liked something?

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

12663

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A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought.

Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?" "Well," says the new farmer, "I'm not sure. But I think I'm not planting them far enough apart."

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15886

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

10325

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To get you in the mood...

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboo

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?

A cereal killer.

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John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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Auto correct is my own worst enema.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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More people should try meditation. It is better than sitting around doing nothing.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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Many years ago my wife brought in an interior decorator. His first task was to drop by our house to determine our style. He walked though our house, and my wife asked him what our style was. He replied, "There Appears To Have Been a Struggle."

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 15886

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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Getting closer...

What did the ghost say to the psychiatrist?

I used to be somebody.

What did the witch say at the Department of Motor Vehicles?

As a matter of fact, I can drive a stick.

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