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jokes

John F Dean

master steward

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 5 years ago

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The challenge is not in creating a universal solvent, but rather it is in creating a container to keep it I.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 5 years ago

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Finally I have my cat trained. When I give a signal she will do exactly what she wants to do whenever she wants to do it.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

Hey! Mine is trained too!!

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

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posted 5 years ago

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Of all the inventions in the last 100 years...

The dry erase board has to be the most remarkable!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

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John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 5 years ago

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I just replaced the water heater in my barn. It was one of those tankless jobs, but somebody had to do it.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

David Haight

Posts: 27

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posted 5 years ago

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An audio engineer swore that he could hear a very deep male voice speaking to him in a random selection of all sound frequencies. He called it "Barry White Noise"

Home: SW Colorado, 38N Latitude, 2100m elevation, Zone 5b/6a
Ask Me About: Keyline in Broadacre, Pasture restoration, Electric Vehicles, Solar, Computers/Networking/Automation

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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What's blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide & Seek Champion from 1988.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Greg Martin

steward

Posts: 3576

Location: Maine, zone 5

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posted 5 years ago

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How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but nobody can figure out how they get in there!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Greg Martin

steward

Posts: 3576

Location: Maine, zone 5

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posted 5 years ago

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So last night I had a date…

tonight I am going to try a fig!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Thomas Copley

Posts: 5

Location: Kingsport, TN

posted 5 years ago

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Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 5 years ago

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A recent college grad does in a car wreck. He is told that he will have a choice between heaven and hell after he visits both places. He first enters hell. He is immediately handed a cold beer and shown around . There is a swimming pool with attractive girls. Everyone is having fun. He e en meets the devil who turns out to be a pretty nice guy. Then he goes to heaven where he is handed a harp and expected to sit on a cloud and sing. He end up deciding that heaven is a pretty boring place and chooses hell. This time he arrives in hell, everything is inflamed, people are dressed in rags, and everyone is picking up garbage. At his first opportunity he approaches the devil for an explanation. The devil tells him,
oh before we were recruiting you. Now you are staff.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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My neighbors 3 year old got into trouble last night and swallowed a bunch of quarters. They took him to the ER where they gave I'm a laxative. I called them this morning to see how he was doing. They said there was no change yet.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Heather Sharpe

gardener

Posts: 828

Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam

595

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posted 5 years ago

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R2-D2 must be the most foul-mouthed character in all of movie history. They had to bleep every word he said!

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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The worse time to have a heart attack is during a game of Chrades.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

D Nikolls

pollinator

Posts: 1818

Location: Victoria BC

336

posted 5 years ago

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John F Dean wrote:Finally I have my cat trained. When I give a signal she will do exactly what she wants to do whenever she wants to do it.

Impressive! I could never get mine to wait for the signal...

'Theoretically this level of creeping Orwellian dynamics should ramp up our awareness, but what happens instead is that each alert becomes less and less effective because we're incredibly stupid.' - Jerry Holkins

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

12663

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posted 5 years ago

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How do you tell boy pancakes from girl pancakes?
Check how well they are stacked...

:D

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 5 years ago

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My neighbor was getting his hay in yesterday. He finally decided to call it a night and left his equipment in the field. A couple of fools tried to steal his stuff, and one fell into the machinery. The police confirm that he's been baled.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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One of the major farmers in my area has his farm for sale. It seems he couldn't keep his hands off his new wife. Of course, once he fired his hands, he couldn't keep his farm operational.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

David Haight

Posts: 27

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posted 5 years ago

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I petted my puppy, who is still shedding like crazy. Now I am feeling like Franz Fur'dinhand....

Home: SW Colorado, 38N Latitude, 2100m elevation, Zone 5b/6a
Ask Me About: Keyline in Broadacre, Pasture restoration, Electric Vehicles, Solar, Computers/Networking/Automation

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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A DEA stopped by a farm and insisted on inspecting it. The farmer agreed but told the agent not to go in the south paddock. The DEA agent exploded, pulled out his badge, and yelled at the farmer that his badge allows him to go anywhere he likes. The farmer apologized, and told the agent to look anywhere he wants. The agent marched off to the south paddock. A short time later the farmer hears a scream and sees his bull changing the DEA agent through the south paddock. The farmer runs to the fence and yells, " Show him your badge! Show him your badge!"

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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I gave my cat a bath today. To my surprise he really seemed to enjoy it. I doubt if I will do it again though. Too much fur got stuck to my tongue.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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A friend of mine got a job at a bicycle factory. He's the spokesperson.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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Coffee in hand, I was looking over our spice rack this morning and all the missing and misplaced labels. I still haven't figured out what is what yet, but I am certain the thyme is cumin.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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I have a mystery going on in my garden for a while. Last night I noticed my raised beds were a little short on soil. This morning they were full. The plot thickens!

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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The Covid crisis has really helped my gardening skills. I planted myself on the sofa and have grown ever since.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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To determine if an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed, try pulling it out. If it comes out easily, it is not a weed.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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A couple of days ago, I braved a trip to the garden center. I tripped over a hose and landed in the Aloe Vera. I banged up my elbow pretty bad, but it healed quickly.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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A man shows up at his doctor's office with a carrot up each nostril and a stick of celery in each ear. The doctor takes one look at him an exclaimes, " I see the problem. You aren't eating right."

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

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posted 5 years ago

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Not a joke, but thought the joke folks might be amused by what I did....
I have a nephew in the Navy, part of what we sent him for his birthday was a a package of 16 cards, open one a day.
To make the cards I went through this jokes thread, picked out about 350 good ones, and each card was just jokes, 8 - 20 jokes per card. They were printed on colored paper. I hope those things run around on his ship for the next few years!
Thank you all for adding to the silliness I sent to a ship out in the ocean someplace!!

My favorite of them all was:

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

I can't stop thinking about that visual either :D

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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The weirdest thing happened this morning. I walked I to the the kitchen to make coffee, and I would have sworn I heard the onions singing a BeeGees song. It was just the Chives talking.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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Years ago we adopted a stray cat that we names "Non Stick Cooking Spray". Well, first we called her "Pam" but it didn't stick.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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Well it finally happened. My wife and I went to the lumber yard. When we returned, our house had been broken into. Nothing of real value was taken .... just a couple of old lamps. We were delighted.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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A 50 year old man is walking along the beach. Depressed and alone he knows the fact that his efforts to embezzle from the bank
he works at will soon be discovered . As he walks through the sand, he kicks a brass lantern and a genie appears. He, of course, is granted 3 wishes. First, he wants to be royalty. A king would be too much. He decides to be a Duke. He wants to live in a grand home, and he wants an attractive wife appropriate to his age. The genie tell him all his wishes will be granted. The man goes to sleep on the sand. Morning comes and he awakes in a soft comfortable bed. An attractive woman is next to him. She turns, smiles, and says, " We had better get up now Franz. We have to go to Sarajevo today."

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Pearl Sutton

steward & bricolagier

Posts: 16269

Location: SW Missouri

12663

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posted 5 years ago

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Re the last joke, someone said "I don't get it"

The lady: Sophie, Duchess of Hohenberg

Franz: Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria
Archduke Franz Ferdinand Carl Ludwig Joseph Maria of Austria was the heir presumptive to the throne of Austria-Hungary.[1] His assassination in Sarajevo is considered the most immediate cause of World War I.

Genies ARE known for being UTTER bastards....

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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I have a little statue of a man with a beard in my garden. My wife always calls it a dwarf. That's a common misgnomer.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Mike Barkley

gardener & hugelmaster

Posts: 3966

Location: Texas

2274

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posted 5 years ago

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Another old genie joke. Maybe not quite as old ...

A guy was walking along the beach & found a bottle with a genie inside. His first two wishes were granted immediately but then he told the genie he wanted to think about his third wish before asking. The genie agreed. It was a beautiful day so the guy started walking on the beach again. Then started singing "Ooooh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener." <poof>

Argue for your limitations and they are yours forever.

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Corey Schmidt

pollinator

Posts: 244

Location: Kachemak Bay, Alaska (usda zone 6, ahs heat zone 1, lat 59 N, coastal, koppen Dfc)

posted 5 years ago

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye-deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that's f**king another deer?
Still f**king no eye-deer.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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I have never been embarrassed by anything I have done or said. That is my wife's job.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

John F Dean

master steward

Posts: 8738

Location: southern Illinois, USA

3622

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posted 5 years ago

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I once went to see a new band called Placebo, but I walked out and went to The Cure.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

Zack Nisbet

Posts: 1

Location: The Carolinas

posted 5 years ago

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What do you call a table made out of only the vegetative shoots of trees?
A vegetable

Does any genetic diversity ROMAINE in our lettuce?

What do you call it when two fern gametes come together?
Fern-ilization

Why do all hippie communies fail?
Every one starts hooking up and stops cleaning their dirty dishes.

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you! - Seuss. Tiny ad:

grow your own garden and build your own home, in Montana, for free-ish

https://wheaton-labs.com/bootcamp