Search...
Home Subscribe
Pie
Home Subscribe
Recent topics Flagged topics Hot topics Best topics
Search...
Search within meaningless drivel Search permies
Advanced search Google search
Register / Login
Sepp Holzer 3 in 1 Documentaries Farming terracing aquaculture Free heat movie bootcamp Green Living Book GMC website
  • Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
permaculture forums growies critters building homesteading energy monies kitchen purity ungarbage community wilderness fiber arts art permaculture artisans regional education skip experiences global resources cider press projects digital market permies.com pie forums private forums all forums
Free heat movie Green Living Book permaculture bootcamp sketch with tools list of PIE benefits here on permies Rocket oven movie
this forum made possible by our volunteer staff, including ...
master stewards:
  • Carla Burke
  • Nancy Reading
  • John F Dean
  • r ransom
  • paul wheaton
  • Jay Angler
  • Timothy Norton
stewards:
  • Pearl Sutton
  • Tereza Okava
  • Nicole Alderman
master gardeners:
  • Christopher Weeks
gardeners:
  • M Ljin
  • Megan Palmer
  • Pete Podurgiel

jokes

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I had one of those 2:00 am experiences early this morning.   I realized "The Tiger King" was the most normal part of 2020.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16302
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10798
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Today's the day...

Did you hear about the teenage ghost who lay on the couch all day?

It was a case of paranormal inactivity.


Why wouldn’t they let the Grim Reaper in the sauna?

He always ended up looking like death warmed-up.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My family heirloom, a grandfather clock, broke.  It would not keep time and made this weird ticking noise.  I searched the net and found an old German clock shop in Haueberstaut, indiana a couple of hours from me.  I carried the clock into his shop and explained how it made the ticking noise.  He slowly rose from his stool, flashlight in his hand. As the flashlight  beam lit up the face of the clock, he declared, "we have ways of making you toc."

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I admire the inventor of the ATM.  Here is a person who figured out how to get people to buy their own money.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

Staff note (John F Dean) :

I just has a horrible thought. I bet (pun intended) that I would get a better return on my money at a slot machine than an ATM.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
One good thing about social distancing,  I don't care if the person next to me passes gas.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I have a hard time finishing what I sta

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Ghosts and witches don't concern me. I'm afraid of people who like small talk.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My neighbors are beginning to tick me off again.  They won't stop talking about my paranoia.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I thoroughly dusted the house once, but it all came back.  Well, I'm  not falling for THAT again!

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Heather Sharpe
gardener
Posts: 828
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
599
I like...
forest garden fungi foraging trees urban chicken medical herbs ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. They hold the bulb while the whole world revolves around them.

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I have been with my wife for well over 45 years, and I still don't understand her. She isn't speaking to me, again.  This morning she asked me if her chin was sagging,  so I asked her, "Which one?"

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I just found a great site for all the latest jokes on Twitter .... its called Facebook.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16302
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10798
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


(and for those of you with dirty minds...)

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

(sorry to disappoint you...)

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Well fall is here.  I have successfully worked off my fat from last winter, but, somehow, I still have Spring Rolls.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Julie Harris
Posts: 167
49
I like...
homeschooling forest garden urban cooking medical herbs writing
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
How many Jedis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

                                                                                                 Just Wan

The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing.

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 16427
Location: SW Missouri
12989
2
I like...
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. She was cursed. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what she touched it would melt: metal, wood, plastic - anything! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

The question is "What was in the prince's pants?"




Get your mind out of the gutter!!
M&M's!!! - Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 16427
Location: SW Missouri
12989
2
I like...
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A man, obviously quite drunk, enters the front door of a bar, staggers up to a stool, sits down and, with a belch, orders a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he's already had one too many, he would not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could he call a cab for him?
Surprised, the drunk grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar, wobbles up to the bar and yells for a drink. The bartender approaches him and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses to serve the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk glares at the bartender, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A couple of minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar, climbs up on a stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is obviously very drunk, he will not be served any drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "OHHH, MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?"


Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16302
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10798
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16302
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10798
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16302
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10798
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My therapist told me I had problems getting in touch with my feelings.  I told her I wasn't surprised.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My dog raided the neighbors garbage and ate a ton of aluminum foil. Now he sheets metal.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I dont understand people who  complain about being single. 99% of my socks are single, and they don't complain.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16302
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10798
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I use both paper and plastic ...does that make me bi-sackual?

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
It is getting pretty late in the year .... has anyone tried putting 2020 in rice?

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My mind is like my computer:  17  tabs are open, 6 of them are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Heather Sharpe
gardener
Posts: 828
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
599
I like...
forest garden fungi foraging trees urban chicken medical herbs ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I would make a vegetable joke, but no one would carrot all.

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
Heather Sharpe
gardener
Posts: 828
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
599
I like...
forest garden fungi foraging trees urban chicken medical herbs ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I've been searching my mind for more jokes to share, but just couldn't turnip any.

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
There was a terrible misunderstanding at the grocery store yesterday. I pulled out my credit card and tried to figure out how it went into the machine. Then the cashier said, "Strip down. Facing me".

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The grammar rule of i before e, except after c has been disproved by science.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
We tried making stock yesterday. It simmered all day, but it still tasted horrible.  I tried to figure out what we did wrong.  As I examined the pieces of bone, I realized it was a humerus.   We had made a laughing stock.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I finally got my will written. I want a closed casket. The final song at my funeral will be "Pop Goes the Weasel ".

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
If you suck at playing the saxophone, well ... that's probably why.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16302
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10798
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16302
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10798
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8933
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3845
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 5 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
If alarm clock manufacturers were serious about their products getting you out of bed in the morning, they would make an alarm that sounds like a dog vomiting.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

Or a cat

 
I've never won anything before. Not even a tiny ad:
a new overhaul of the freeheat page - need feedbacks for world domination
https://permies.com/t/389799/overhaul-freeheat-page-feedbacks-world
reply
reply
    Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
Boost this thread!
Similar Threads
More...