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jokes

 
John F Dean
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I had one of those 2:00 am experiences early this morning.   I realized "The Tiger King" was the most normal part of 2020.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Jay Angler
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Today's the day...

Did you hear about the teenage ghost who lay on the couch all day?

It was a case of paranormal inactivity.


Why wouldn’t they let the Grim Reaper in the sauna?

He always ended up looking like death warmed-up.

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John F Dean
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My family heirloom, a grandfather clock, broke.  It would not keep time and made this weird ticking noise.  I searched the net and found an old German clock shop in Haueberstaut, indiana a couple of hours from me.  I carried the clock into his shop and explained how it made the ticking noise.  He slowly rose from his stool, flashlight in his hand. As the flashlight  beam lit up the face of the clock, he declared, "we have ways of making you toc."

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I admire the inventor of the ATM.  Here is a person who figured out how to get people to buy their own money.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

Staff note (John F Dean) :

I just has a horrible thought. I bet (pun intended) that I would get a better return on my money at a slot machine than an ATM.

 
John F Dean
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One good thing about social distancing,  I don't care if the person next to me passes gas.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I have a hard time finishing what I sta

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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Ghosts and witches don't concern me. I'm afraid of people who like small talk.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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My neighbors are beginning to tick me off again.  They won't stop talking about my paranoia.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I thoroughly dusted the house once, but it all came back.  Well, I'm  not falling for THAT again!

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Heather Sharpe
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How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. They hold the bulb while the whole world revolves around them.

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
John F Dean
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I have been with my wife for well over 45 years, and I still don't understand her. She isn't speaking to me, again.  This morning she asked me if her chin was sagging,  so I asked her, "Which one?"

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I just found a great site for all the latest jokes on Twitter .... its called Facebook.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Jay Angler
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Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


(and for those of you with dirty minds...)

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

(sorry to disappoint you...)

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John F Dean
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Well fall is here.  I have successfully worked off my fat from last winter, but, somehow, I still have Spring Rolls.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Julie Harris
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How many Jedis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

                                                                                                 Just Wan

The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing.

 
Pearl Sutton
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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. She was cursed. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what she touched it would melt: metal, wood, plastic - anything! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

The question is "What was in the prince's pants?"




Get your mind out of the gutter!!
M&M's!!! - Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
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A man, obviously quite drunk, enters the front door of a bar, staggers up to a stool, sits down and, with a belch, orders a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he's already had one too many, he would not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could he call a cab for him?
Surprised, the drunk grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar, wobbles up to the bar and yells for a drink. The bartender approaches him and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses to serve the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk glares at the bartender, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A couple of minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar, climbs up on a stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is obviously very drunk, he will not be served any drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "OHHH, MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?"


Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Jay Angler
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When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

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Jay Angler
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If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

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John F Dean
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My therapist told me I had problems getting in touch with my feelings.  I told her I wasn't surprised.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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My dog raided the neighbors garbage and ate a ton of aluminum foil. Now he sheets metal.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I dont understand people who  complain about being single. 99% of my socks are single, and they don't complain.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Jay Angler
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Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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John F Dean
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I use both paper and plastic ...does that make me bi-sackual?

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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It is getting pretty late in the year .... has anyone tried putting 2020 in rice?

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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My mind is like my computer:  17  tabs are open, 6 of them are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Heather Sharpe
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I would make a vegetable joke, but no one would carrot all.

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
Heather Sharpe
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I've been searching my mind for more jokes to share, but just couldn't turnip any.

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
John F Dean
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There was a terrible misunderstanding at the grocery store yesterday. I pulled out my credit card and tried to figure out how it went into the machine. Then the cashier said, "Strip down. Facing me".

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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The grammar rule of i before e, except after c has been disproved by science.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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We tried making stock yesterday. It simmered all day, but it still tasted horrible.  I tried to figure out what we did wrong.  As I examined the pieces of bone, I realized it was a humerus.   We had made a laughing stock.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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I finally got my will written. I want a closed casket. The final song at my funeral will be "Pop Goes the Weasel ".

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
John F Dean
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If you suck at playing the saxophone, well ... that's probably why.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

 
Jay Angler
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Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

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Jay Angler
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What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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John F Dean
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If alarm clock manufacturers were serious about their products getting you out of bed in the morning, they would make an alarm that sounds like a dog vomiting.

I learn from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

Or a cat

 
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