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jokes

 
John F Dean
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Lif is too short.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That's him," comes the reply.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
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Location: Maine, zone 5
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Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of all the indoor fins.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532. 35 cm3 gluten
2. 4. 9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4. 9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236. 6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177. 45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177. 45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4. 9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473. 2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236. 6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank Johnston`s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

From The Engineer's Cookbook

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

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Jay Angler
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The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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Pearl Sutton
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Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safe deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately.

They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The head gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safe deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the wealth, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safe deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes, just more pudding. Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least we got a free meal out of it."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear: "Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people."


Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I have some cheap neighbors that really tick me off. This year they got out of buying Christmas gifts for their kids. She got her brother to dress up like Santa and lay down on the front yard.  Then she fired off a shot and told her kids Santa had committed suicide.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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Bourbon is better than carrots for my eyes. With bourbon I can see double.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I tried to open an account using  Beef Stew as the password.  It turned out it wasn't  Stroganoff.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Pearl Sutton
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Dear Manager,
Thank you for your letter of April 25th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your company.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Interviewee

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Location: SW Missouri
12896
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A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8887
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3775
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I once had a conversation with a Dolphin.   We just clicked.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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A Rhino is just a fat Unicorn.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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After 40 years of homesteading, I can honestly say that I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I don't  understand women's styles. Some men look down on cleveage.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Do you know the difference between education and experience?
Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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When I was in school every classroom had a chalkboard. Now every classroom has a whiteboard.
They are remarkable.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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My wife and I got in a fight last  night.   She hit me with a bottle of Omega 3.  The wound was only super fish oil.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Why aren't  hemorrhoids called asteroids?

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What says Oh Oh Oh?


Santa walking backwards!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?


Tinselitis!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
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John F Dean
master steward
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Location: southern Illinois, USA
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Its 4 am. My wife was snoring  and woke me up. She said she was dreaming she was on a motorcycle.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Insanity doesn't  run in my family.  It strolls through  it ... getting to know each member personally.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I am not going to tell anyone that good Kentucky Bourbon is the answer, but it is worth a shot.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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A couple was at an upscale function. The gentleman whispered in his wife's ear, "I keep having silent farts. What should I do?"  His wife replied, "Put in a new hearing aid battery."

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Heather Sharpe
gardener
Posts: 828
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2020....too soon?

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
John F Dean
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Taking lots of naps on Sundays causes Mondays.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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Do Santa's  Reindeer have herd immunity?

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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It's a sign of the times. A big fight broke out at the area Red Lobster.  All the fish were battered.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I 'm not passive aggressive ... unlike some people.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Douglas Alpenstock
master pollinator
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Location: Canadian Prairies - Zone 3b
1786
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.
sheepdog-rocks.jpg
[Thumbnail for sheepdog-rocks.jpg]
 
Douglas Alpenstock
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1786
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[Thumbnail for bumper-cars.jpg]
 
John F Dean
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The First Law of the Peservation of Mass: For every exercise plan, there is an equal and opposite dessert recipe.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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My friend gets really upset when I call him a Flat-Earther
He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
How do they get the deer to cross at the signs? Or to read this tiny ad?
montana community seeking 20 people who are gardeners or want to be gardeners
https://permies.com/t/359868/montana-community-seeking-people-gardeners
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