Search...
Home Subscribe
Pie
Home Subscribe
Recent topics Flagged topics Hot topics Best topics
Search...
Search within meaningless drivel Search permies
Advanced search Google search
Register / Login
Green Living Book Clean with Cleaners You Can Eat - Free ebook Free heat movie Master Gardener Program Sepp Holzer 3 in 1 Documentaries Farming terracing aquaculture
  • Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
permaculture forums growies critters building homesteading energy monies kitchen purity ungarbage community wilderness fiber arts art permaculture artisans regional education skip experiences global resources cider press projects digital market permies.com pie forums private forums all forums
Free heat movie Permaculture bootcamp with people wielding tools permaculture chickens Full online Permaculture Design course and Appropriate Technology Course video Rocket Mass Heaters SKIP=SKills to Inherit Property PEP Permaculture Experience According to Paul Woodworking
this forum made possible by our volunteer staff, including ...
master stewards:
  • Carla Burke
  • Nancy Reading
  • paul wheaton
  • John F Dean
  • r ransom
  • Jay Angler
stewards:
  • Timothy Norton
  • Tereza Okava
  • Pearl Sutton
master gardeners:
  • Christopher Weeks
  • M Ljin
gardeners:
  • Jeremy VanGelder
  • Megan Palmer
  • Thekla McDaniels

jokes

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Does anyone else find it ironic that Xylophataquieopiaphobia is the fear of not pronouncing words correctly?

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I decided to stop going to funerals.  I realized that none of those people are coming to mine.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I watched a PBS show on fishing yesterday. The cast was amazing.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
It’s 5:30 AM and I am so ticked off!  I can’t find my damned anger management book!

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
K Eilander
gardener
Posts: 530
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
330
I like...
homeschooling forest garden building writing woodworking homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 11
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

Greg Martin wrote:I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.
Now I'm at the hospital, waiting to be seen.



I spilled a bottle of spot remover on my dog.
He's gone.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%.
The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%.
He still feels nothing.
They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%.
The man still feels nothing so they head home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The first thing I'm doing when we invent a time machine is to go back and meet the person who invented zero.
I want to say "Thanks for nothing!"

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 983
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
568
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I dusted my house once...

It came back.

I am not falling for that again!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16029
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10486
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Everyone teased the snowman about his pointy nose,

Fortunately, he didn't carrot all.


Knock, knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow use - I've forgotten my name again!

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16029
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10486
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?

A: A receding hare line.


Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?

A: Owlgebra.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16029
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10486
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Which elf sings "Love me tender?" Santa's little Elvis!


As the winter snow turned into rain, Frosty began to realize that fame was sleeting.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 983
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
568
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart things I say and do.

Then there are the times when I try to get out of the car with my seatbelt on.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 983
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
568
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
When I say I went to therapy, I mean I drank a margarita in the bathtub.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A limbo champ walks into a bar.
He loses.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Came home from work today to find someone had broken in and stolen my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
After a lot of hard work I’ve finally made the limbo team.
I had to bend over backwards to get in.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Are we staying up to bring in 22 or to make sure 21 leaves?

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts...
They believe it is Pharaoh Rocher.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.

But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Why is Yoda such a good gardner?
Green thumbs, he has!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I once knew a very wise herb gardner.
He was known for his sage advice.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
There was a kidnapping in my community yesterday, but he woke up.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Our local police station was broken into and all the toilets were stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I was almost attacked by a skeleton, but he didn’t have the guts.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 983
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
568
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I found $20 in a parking lot and
thought to myself,  
What Would Jesus Do?
So, I turned it into wine.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I hate my mood swings. They’re great!

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
An older lady went to her Dr. because her husband was unable to have sex.  The Dr suggested Viagra. She said that was impossible, her husband would not even take aspirin. So, the Dr suggested that she slip it in his coffee. She agreed that might work, and a follow up appointment was set.  A week later she returned to her Dr.  She told the Dr it was the most horrible experience she ever had.  

Perplexed, the Dr. asked her to explain what had happened. Well, she put the pill in his coffee at breakfast. The results were immediate. There was a bulge  in his pants, he knocked the biscuits and gravy off the table, tossed her on the table, and proceeded to have sex with her.

The Dr agreed that was a little extreme, but she had asked to help with his condition.

She responded, “ I did. And the pill worked. But I will never be able to show my face in Bob Evans again!

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I have a great construction joke I want to post, but I am still working on it.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Philip Lister
Posts: 21
Location: Devon, UK
7
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Did anyone hear about the anarchist that died in the abandoned toilets?  He was crushed by the cistern.
 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I got one of those irritating telephone calls today. Some guy was trying to sell me a coffin.  I told him that was the last thing I would need.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I was walking down my lane and a headless guy passed me on a bicycle.  I switched my scythe to the other shoulder.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 8
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint.
Both crews were marooned.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 10
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Never marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 983
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
568
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I'd like to take you out for a coffee.

You spelled Tequila wrong.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 983
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
568
I like...
hugelkultur chicken seed homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
You know your year started bad when your playful request "pull my finger",
was immediately followed by a panicked shriek "Oh my God, get a towel!"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 3576
Location: Maine, zone 5
2219
9
I like...
hugelkultur dog forest garden trees foraging food preservation cooking solar seed wood heat homestead
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One.
It's a trick question.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
master steward
Posts: 8801
Location: southern Illinois, USA
3681
I like...
goat cat dog chicken composting toilet food preservation pig solar wood heat homestead composting
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A man walks into the doctors  office and says, “I can see into the future.”  The doctor nods and asks, “For how long have you been able to do this?” The man replies, “Since next Friday.”

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Jay Angler
master steward
Posts: 16029
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
10486
I like...
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
posted 4 years ago
  • Likes 10
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
    Number of slices to send:
    Optional 'thank-you' note:
    Send
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Two blood vessels fell in love but alas, it was all in vein.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
I'm all tasted up for a BLT! This tiny ad wants a monte cristo!
PIE - The Easy Way to Support Permies.com
https://permies.com/t/240094/PIE-Easy-Support-Permies
reply
reply
    Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
Boost this thread!
Similar Threads
More...