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jokes

 
Jay Angler
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day....
One remarked, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

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Jay Angler
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How many seconds are there in one year?

12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

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Jay Angler
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Q: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?

A: It becomes daytrogen.

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Liv Smith
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An old lady is sitting with her doctor:

“I’ve been having the most terrible flatulence, doctor. I just can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, they’re silent and they don’t smell at all. Why, you couldn’t tell but I’ve farted at least five or six times in the few minutes I’ve been here with you.”

The doctor pulled out his prescription pad and began writing.

“Are these pills to help with my stomach?”

The doctor replied, “no – your sense of smell.”

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K Eilander
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When a fish takes a selfie... is it selfish?

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Dennis Barrow
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They say if you paint an elephant’s toenails red, you won’t see it in a strawberry patch
You are probably thinking, “That’s impossible. Elephants are huge!”
Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
No?
Then it obviously works!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
K Eilander
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Just arrived home only to find that the kids had been on eBay all day long.

If this keeps up I may have to lower the price. %)

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Carla Burke
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I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.


I call it my trail mix.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

 
K Eilander
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My New Year's resolution this year is to stop procrastinating.

[Posted on: Mar 16]

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
Jay Angler
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What did the beaver say to the tree?  

It’s been nice gnawing you.

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John F Dean
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Taking my dog “Shark” to the beach was a bad idea,

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Dennis Barrow
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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Hi K,

I understand how you feel, just because kids are deductible doesn’t mean they aren’t taxing.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Dennis Barrow
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From Backwoods Home:

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?
Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

Why does a skunk bother organizing his pantry?
He likes keeping everything in odor.

Upon noticing moths in our pantry, my dad, mom and I try to figure out what food they have gotten into.

Mom: Do you think they got into the life cereal?

Dad: I really hope not. If they did that would be the end of my life.

I wrote down some stuff I needed at the grocery store. When I got there, I realized I forgot the note at home. I wandered around the store feeling listless the whole time.

What did the cannibal say when he met a fully armored knight?
Argh... Canned food again?

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the darn door you're never going to get in there!”

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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It is Spring.
Young couples return from the woods with stars in their eyes and love in their hearts.
And mosquito bites that can't be scratched in permies.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I just finished a great breakfast. Years ago my Grammar thought me how to bake synonym buns.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I spent a lot of money childproofing my house, but the grandkids still got inside.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I was trying to figure out what a dad joke was, but when I looked at the punch lines , it became apparent.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Dennis Barrow
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A guy goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives him the drink he says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the guy finishes her drink, the man to his right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”
The old guy says, “Thank you, Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender.

As he finishes that drink, the man to his left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old guy says, “Thank you.

Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender says.
As he gives him the drink, he says, "Sir, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old guy replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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If you give it some thought, the first guy to discover cows milk probably did a lot of other weird stuff too.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I try to treat people how I want to be treated.  Normally, I avoid talking to them.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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It feels really strange to be the same age as old people.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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How can you identify a blind guy in a nudist colony?  It’s not hard.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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Giraffes must take forever to puke.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Jay Angler
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The elderly congregation was perplexed when the preacher pulled out a pocket watch and threw it to the end of the room. It slammed into the wall and fell to floor in pieces, but the watch kept ticking.

"What does this demonstration tell you about life?" The preacher challenged the congregation.

A man in the back slowly stood up, leaning on his cane. He stared down at the ticking clock.

"Well, preacher, I suspect this watch shows that time flies and stops for no one."

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Jay Angler
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After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

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John F Dean
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I have created new mission for my life, I will not rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner?  He got the cold shoulder.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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I just read on the net where exaggeration went up 1,000,000 % last year.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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What do you get when you cross a dog with a Daisy?  A Collie-flower

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
John F Dean
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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a frog?  A bunny ribbit

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Yesterday a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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You don't need a parachute to skydive...
You just need one to skydive twice...

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Jay Angler
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What do you get when you cross a collie with a Lhasa apso?

A collapso - a dog that folds for easy transport.

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Pearl Sutton
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I had a hen who could count her own eggs....

She was a mathemachicken!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

I have to wonder at this joke though, could she count them before they were hatched?

 
John F Dean
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I bumped into some research that said that people had dirty thoughts every four to sex seconds.

I figure if someone from the future hasn’t tried to stop me, I can’t be messing up that bad.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee.
He goes back to get it, stops halfway, and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee?  One's my wife and she is playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says, "Small world."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
What are you saying? I thought you said that Santa gave you that. And this tiny ad:
It's like being on a deserted island - only with gardens and natural buildings in Montana
https://wheaton-labs.com/bootcamp
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