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jokes

 
John F Dean
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This is my twisted revenge for Pearl's earlier post.


Why couldn't the Mobius strip enroll in school? It required an orientation.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamed I had died and was standing before God. Suddenly, God sneezed, and I didn't  know what to say to him.



My cat loves basking Robins.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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My wife is big into genealogy.  She has discovered that she is descended from no less that 3 Mayflower passengers, and one ancestor helped to found a major university.  Naturally,  I began checking into my family. The only person of interest was John Hokey, of Ottumwa,  Iowa, who is credited with popularizing,  if not inventing, the Hokey Pokey in the later 1800s.  He apparently was well regarded in Ottumwa.  I was able to locate an obituary  from an Ottumwa newspaper.  It appears there was some kind of incident just before the funeral.  The problem arose when his body was being transferred into the casket.   It happened as the mortician attempted to put his right foot in ......and well you know what happened after that.......

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Pearl Sutton
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.


What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.


I constantly push the envelope, but it stays stationary.

:D

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Amy Francis
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Avoid that run-down feeling....walk on the kerb!

It is necessary, therefore it is possible.
(Borghese)

 
John F Dean
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So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?  I mean, it's not like it's the end of the world!

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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The word politics is derived from two Greek words. "Poly", which means many, and "ticks" which means blood sucking creature.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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Well anyway, after 2 weeks I broke down and went to the grocery store.  The news media said to be sure to wear a mask and gloves, which I did. It turned out that they lied. Everyone else had clothes on.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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I suspected my best friend was coming out of the closet. This struck me as odd because he always seemed to me as being pretty macho. So, I asked him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?"   "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment " he responded.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Chris Watson
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John F Dean
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A Rabbi, Minister, and Priest decided to test their abilities in their faith by attempting to convert a bear.  They went off into the woods and went on their separate paths. Later the Minister and Priest met up and compared stories. The Priest said it went well when he sprinkled the bear with Holy Water.  The Minister said he read Matthew to the bear he met, and the bear seemed to listen. After they waited a while , they went off to look for the Rabbi.  The found him torn to shreds and barely clinging to life.  After much effort the Rabbi was able to speak, " I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Chris Watson
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D Nikolls
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Tim Siemens wrote:Actually, if I didn't have a problem with a lack of humility, I would be perfect.



The other day, a friend remarked that some comment of mine seemed a little arrogant. I chuckled and assured them that it was alright; after all, I couldn't possibly be *too* arrogant..

'Theoretically this level of creeping Orwellian dynamics should ramp up our awareness, but what happens instead is that each alert becomes less and less effective because we're incredibly stupid.' - Jerry Holkins

 
John F Dean
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The History of Medicine ... In Brief


I have an ear ache.

3000 BC :   Eat this root.
300 BC:    That root is heathen, say this incantation.
1800 AD:  That incantation is superstition, drink this potion.
1910 AD:  That potion is snake oil, take this pill
1950 AD:  That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD: That antibiotic is artificial, eat this root.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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This is an old one I heard maybe 50 years ago.

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting beside one another on a plane.  To pass the time, the Rabbi asked the Priest to explain the hierarchy of the Church.  The Priest confessed that he had hope's of becoming a Monsenior.  The Rabbi responded, Well,  certainly that can't be the end of your career."   The Priest replied that it would be beyond his dreams to become a Bishop.  With obvious amusement, the Rabbi responds, Is that all?!!"  The Priest is now becoming irritated.   "I don't see this as realistic,  but I suppose becoming a Cardinal  would be the best step."  Now, the Rabbi is showing obvious disdain.   " Don't you have any possibilities beyond that?"  The Priest, is barely holding it together.  "Well, it would  be next to impossible forme to become Pope."   The Rabbi is now openly giggling.  The Priest explodes,   " What on earth do you expect!  Do you think I can become Jesus Christ Himself?!!!  The Rabbi replies, "Well, one of our boys made it."


If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Chris Watson
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John F Dean
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I run into some of the strangest people.  I was working on a project with a co-worker last week. We were at her desk.  She asked me to hand her her lipstick.   I accidentally gave her a glue stick.  She still isn't speaking to me.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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My wife called me in the cell phone to warn me she had heard on the news there was a car going the wrong way on I-64.  I had to give her the news flash. It wasn't  just one car; there were dozens of them, and they were all honking their horns.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Anne Miller
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Invasive plants are Earth's way of insisting we notice her medicines. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Everyone learns what works by learning what doesn't work. Stephen Herrod Buhner

 
John F Dean
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I am an RN.  My neighbor called me over to check to his child.  When I got there,  he told me to make myself at home. So, I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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A dog walks into a bar and announces, " I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Greg Martin
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Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg, you can actually hear them say, “What the hell are you doing?”

(It's true...try it!)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Why do nurses carry red crayons?

In case they have to draw blood.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Timothy Markus
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Greg Martin wrote:Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.



I thought this one was the worst...

A piece of land is worth as much as the person farming it.
-Le Livre du Colon, 1902

 
Timothy Markus
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Greg Martin wrote:Why do nurses carry red crayons?

In case they have to draw blood.



Until I read this one.  

A piece of land is worth as much as the person farming it.
-Le Livre du Colon, 1902

 
Greg Martin
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Double thank you Timothy.  They will get worse as the night progresses!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Tim Siemens
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I thought this one was the worst...



No, German sausage is the wurst.

No man is an island.

 
Greg Martin
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A major new study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Makes sense….I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day, but not only was it not relaxing, my eyes are in a lot of pain right now after not getting far at all.

I did however, managed to make out, "60 Watts"

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
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Tim Siemens
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So a guy says to me "You know what?"

I said, "not personally, but he's the guy who signs the light bulbs."

No man is an island.

 
Tim Siemens
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I think whiteboards are great... in fact they are re-markable.

No man is an island.

 
Ben House
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updog

--------------------
Be Content. And work for more time, not money. Money is inconsequential.

 
Politics n. Poly "many" + ticks "blood sucking insects". Tiny ad:
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