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jokes

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I bumped into a study that found that dogs can identify prostate cancer with 98% accuracy.  The same study found cats have 100% accuracy, but 78% of the time they ignore it.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Pearl Sutton
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A man goes to the doctor
Patient: Doc, I have this problem, I can't stop singing either 'The Green Green Grass of Home' or 'Delilah'.
Doctor: Sounds like you have a severe case of 'Tom Jones syndrome'.
Patient: Is it rare?
Doctor: It's not unusual!

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
John F Dean
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My conscience is clean.  It has never been used.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Pearl Sutton
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My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.
I said, "That's great! I guess I have a serious drinking opportunity!"

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Carla Burke
Rusticator
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Where do you weigh a pie?







Sooomewheeeerrrre ooover the rainbooowww....





(You're welcome, Greg)

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

Staff note (Greg Martin) :

Thank you Carla

 
J.B. Wells
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What kind of plants grow in bathrooms?
Toilet trees.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Brain cells come, and brain cells go...

But why do fat cells live forever?

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Interviewer: "So tell me about yourself".
Me: "I rather not, I kinda want this job".

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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My favorite childhood memory is having energy.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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If I got 50 cents for every math test I failed, I would have $5.20 now!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
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I just competed in the suntanning olympics,

but I only got bronze.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
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What's the difference between a good burger and a shooting star?

The burger is very meaty, but the other is a little meteor.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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What did the 0 say to the 8?   ...  Nice belt.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dennis Barrow
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HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh, killing any" she asked.

"Yup. 3 males and 2 females" he said.

Intrigued she asked "How can you tell the apart?"

He responded:
  "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone".

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never let her down.
He will comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions.
He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible ...

No wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind....... 😉

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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You know the difference between a welder and a farmer... a welder doesn’t think he can farm..

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Greg Martin
steward
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The other week I went to Barcelona for a vacation. We stayed at a small local hotel about 30 minutes from the city.

The first day we had a great time going around las ramblas and going taking pictures at La Sagrada familia. That night we even attended a Barcelona game against Real Madrid. It was a great game, but unfortunately ended in a draw.

We took a taxi back to the hotel, but on the way I started to feel funny. I had some pains in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day I had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack!  

I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel!  

The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.

I said “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”

She replied “no one expects the Spanish inn physician.”

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Pearl Sutton
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Two guys were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other dude, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second got completely upset and yelled, "You twit!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective!
They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"


:D

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long?

A πthon

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 16379
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12896
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Police report: There was a robbery in the sex shop.
Judging by items that were stolen, the perp was alone. Alone for a long time

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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10660
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I’ve heard of helicopter parents…

But I’ve yet to meet a baby helicopter.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
master steward
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In democracy your vote counts.

In feudalism your count votes.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I am confused why so many people have to get ready to go to bed.  I am always ready to go to bed.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?   Nothing.  They fast!

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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Signs you have been in Minnesota too long.

1.  You mistake mosquitoes for birds,

2. You think the purpose of a SWAT is to deal with those mosquitoes.

3.  Oil leaks from your boots when you walk.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
J.B. Wells
pollinator
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I have a fear of overly engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.
 
J.B. Wells
pollinator
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How do you describe a cow that just had a baby?

Decalfinated.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today!

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.” Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “you may sit on my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

“I believe,” replied the cat, “that you are sitting in my seat.”

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

"Put him on the phone," the man replies. "I'm lost and need directions."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

How programmers and cats are alike?
They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug.

What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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An 'Apple a Day' is bullcrap.

Just look at Eve, Snow White or any pig at a luau....

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I have commented in other places on this site that I have seldom gotten along with my family.  When I was quite young I was kidnapped.  My captors cut off my little finger and sent it to my parents as proof they had me.  My parents responded that they wanted to see more evidence.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Greg Martin
steward
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Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony,
while eating too much pie is not a thing....the sin of pi is always zero.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Did you ants never get sick?

It is because they have little Anty Bodies.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
master steward
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I only need 6 hours of sleep at night and 10 hours during the day.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
master steward
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You know what I want out of a relationship?  I want to be real close to someone who will leave me alone.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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My father was pretty working class .  It seems lessons were always tough.... I mean, he taught me how to swim by throwing be out of a boat.   I did put enough distance between the past and present to have a good conversation with him.  I thanked him for those tough lessons  .... especially thr swimming lesson.  He looked confused and said, “I wasn’t trying to teach you to swim.”

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Bras cause cancer. And tiny ads:
Permaculture Voices 1, 2 and 3 - all 117 hours of video!
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