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jokes

 
Greg Martin
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What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s complaining of a sore knee.
“A sore knee?” the doctor said. “Have you tried icing it?”

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Schrodinger's cat is on both lists  (on the Christmas tee shirt I'm wearing as I type this)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
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I always wanted to become a monk, but I never got the chants.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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I really dislike the misuse of Latin phrases and vise versa.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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I am getting real concerned about what the season finale  of 2020 is going to be like.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Ellendra Nauriel
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John F Dean wrote:I am getting real concerned about what the season finale  of 2020 is going to be like.



"Tutorial complete"
 
John F Dean
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I know there are a lot of conspiracy theories out there, but monks appear to be forming a resistance ... ohmmmmm, ohmmmmm, ohmmmm...

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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A monk was murdered as he approached his vihara, it was premeditated.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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Is it true that Germans are stockpiling sausages and cheese in case of a Wurst-Kase scenario?

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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I normally stay up on New Year's  Eve to see the new year in. This year I am staying up to make sure 2020 leaves.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Anita Martin
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John F Dean wrote:Is it true that Germans are stockpiling sausages and cheese in case of a Wurst-Kase scenario?


;-DD Yeah, the average German certainly (not me)...

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do. (E.E.Hale)

 
Henry Brown
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QUAIL WARS
A New Poop









A little while ago in a galaxy not all that far away. . .
. . .in fact maybe on my back porch. . .


bababaBA BA bababaBA BA


QUAIL WARS


SLANTY SUBTITLES: The Empire had trapped six resistance fighters in a hardware cloth box made with 1 by and some legs so their poop could fall down through the wire onto soil.

RESISTANCE QUAIL FIGHTER: The Empire has forgotten to feed us!

SLANTY SUBTITLES: The resistance fighters had begun to organize.  

(Quail sit around staring in different directions).

EVIL MUSIC: ba, ba, ba, ba-ba, ba, ba-ba.

DARTH QUAIL: Luke, I am your father.  I think.  There were a lotta hens around, and we really didn’t keep track of which egg rolled out of which hen. . . so. . .ah. . .well this is awkward. . .Luke, I MIGHT be your father.

They fight.  Peck, peck, peck.  

DARTH QUAIL: babaBA!

QUAIL STORMTROOPER: Your Jedi mind tricks won’t work on me, old man.  I don’t have a mind, I’m a quail! My brain is the size of a pea!

CQuailPO: babaBA!

RquailDquail: baBAbababa babaBA woaoao!

CQuailPO: You know, you sound more like a chicken when you do that woaoao sound.

PRINCESS QUAILA: Here are the plans to the Death Star.  We’ll break in here to liberate the Grubblies.

LUKE QUAILWALKER: What happened to your neck feathers? Did the Imperial Stormtroopers…?

LEIA: Hey, stop pecking my neck, Luke. Ooh, food!  (Peck peck peck)

RESISTANCE FIGHTER: Let’s focus, quails.  We need a diversion.  Here’s the plan, we’ll poop in our water, that’ll show the Empire!  Then, we’ll drown ourselves in it, get mysterious illnesses, fly straight up and hit our head on the ceiling for no reason, and poop in our water.  Look, our water froze over! It’s a sign! Now we can walk on it and poop on it more easily!   Luke Quailwalker, looks like you’re up.

LUKE QUAILWALKER: Just like hunting larvae on Gramulon 5.  Only problem, sir, I can’t really control my bowel moments, they just come at random.

RESISTANCE FIGHTER: A Jedi quail must learn to trust his feelings.  May be Grubblies be with you.  babaBA!
 
Steven Staley
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A guy sticks his head in the barbershop and says, "Bob Peters here?"

The barber casually replied, "Nope, all we give are haircuts."
 
Steven Staley
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The father buffalo is dropping his boy off at school one morning.

He was overheard saying, "Bye son."
 
John F Dean
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A drunk walks into a bar and shouts out, "Happy New Year!"  The bartender replies, "Get out of here. Its June."  The drunk looks at his watch and gasps, "My wife is going to kill me. I have never been so late in my life."

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Dennis Barrow
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My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating.
But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I resolve to be nicer to people  ... who do exactly what I want.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Greg Martin
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Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve.....

It's December 31st!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds ...
... Only 15 more to go!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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I promise to make no more bad jokes this year!!!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Jay Angler
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Where can you go to practice math on New Year's Eve?


Times Square

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
Jay Angler
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A second before midnight on New Year's Eve, make sure you've got your left leg in the air...

you want to make sure to start 2021 on the right foot.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
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Hindsight is officially 2020.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
K Eilander
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Probably taste the same.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

 
John F Dean
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I once had a boss who would randomly throw away  half of the job applications.  She didn't want unlucky people working for her.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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I notice a number of people on this site asking how to get funds to start a homestead. This is how I did it when I was broke.  I bought an apple at an apple orchard for a nickle and walked to the farmers market and sold it for a dime. With that, I bought 2 apples. I continued with this approach for 3 weeks ever increasing my volume of sales through hard work .  My feet hurt, and the sack of apples was heavy, but I continued to achieve my dream. Then my aunt died an left me $200,000.00.
.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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I was going to help my wife organize her dried flower collection, but then I realized I had more pressing problems.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Dennis Barrow
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A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the woman. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the other woman said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Every time you get the urge to clean, watch Hoarders. You may decide your house isn’t that dirty after all.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Heather Sharpe
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I accidentally went to a Star Trek convention dressed as Chewbacca from Star Wars.
What a Wookie mistake!

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
John F Dean
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When I first came to Permies, I was really confused for a while.  I had always considered an essential oil to be what dripped onto my shirt off of a cheeseburger.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
Heather Sharpe
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How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real warriors are not afraid of the dark.

“Action on behalf of life transforms. Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.” ~ Robin Wall Kimmerer

 
Dennis Barrow
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These three ol' boys went to apply for this job, and the guy tells them "I can only hire one, but I tell you what I am going to do.  I am going to ask you all a question and whoever gives me the best answer I'll hire.:

He asks the first ol' boy:  "In you opinion, what is the fastest thing in the world?"
   "A thought"...    "A Thought?"   "Yup, it ain't there and then it is."   "Well, thats pretty good, I never thought about that."

He asks the second ol' boy:  "In you opinion, what is the fastest thing in the world?"
   "A light"   "A light?"  "Yup, it ain't there, you hit a switch and there it is, hit the switch again and it is gone."   "That's a pretty good answer"

He asks the third ol' boy:  "In your opinion, what is the fastest thing in the world?"
   "Diarrhea"   "What??"  "Diarrhea"    

"Man what's wrong with you, this first guy said a thought and that's a pretty good answer, the second guy said a light and that's a good answer.  And you come up with Diarrhea.  How you figure that?"

"Because, before you can even think about turning that light on, it's to late"
    "

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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It is a fact that in America, 73% of the people don't understand math, and the other 2/3rds don't care.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
D Nikolls
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John F Dean wrote:When I first came to Permies, I was really confused for a while.  I had always considered an essential oil to be what dripped onto my shirt off of a cheeseburger.



Very poor form. If you use a plate, you can mop it up with the fries!

'Theoretically this level of creeping Orwellian dynamics should ramp up our awareness, but what happens instead is that each alert becomes less and less effective because we're incredibly stupid.' - Jerry Holkins

 
Jay Angler
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We've had way too much rain lately:

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?

A: Two's company, three's a cloud.


Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?


A: Fowl weather.


Q: How do thunderstorms invest their money?


A: In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets.


Very thankfully, the percentage of "frozen assets" we've had to deal with has been minimal... touch wood.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
John F Dean
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Hell! I forgot to go to the gym today. That's  10 months in a row now.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
John F Dean
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I just landed a job at the recycling center.  When they asked me if I had any experience, I showed them the jokes I had posted on this site.

If there is one thing the Wizard of Oz has taught me, it is not to trust school teachers on bicycles.

 
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