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jokes

 
John F Dean
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It’s that time of year again ...  I am referring to fireworks and the accidents that come with them.   Please do not allow young children to use fireworks.   That should be the job for the adults who have been drinking all day.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Did you hear about the recent earthquake research?
The information is groundbreaking

Did you hear about the tornado at the cheese factory?
Da-brie was everywhere.

A family suffering loss and injury in a tornado sent their small son to his aunts home for a visit, until they could arrange for other housing.
After three days came this telegram: RETURNING TOM. SEND TORNADO.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
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A reporter is interviewing a Florida victim of Hurricane Michael. In the background, a scene of complete devastation; the roof is gone, half of the walls are down, personal possessions scattered around. The person looks shell-shocked, with an unfocused gaze. The hair is wild, clothes disheveled, dirt smudges on the face and arms.

"So what are you going to do now?" asks the reporter. "Are you going to rebuild?"

"No," replies the victim. "I'm gonna move to Georgia."

"Georgia? Why Georgia?"

"That's where the rest of my stuff is."

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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Signs of aging:  When you clean house to the music you used to drink to.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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We all know that stats lie.  For example, I will grant that alcohol kills people , but how many people have been born because of it?

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Greg Martin
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How do pickles celebrate their birthdays?

They relish the moment!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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What’s the difference between a pickle and a therapist?

If you don’t know, you should stop talking to your pickle!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?

Road dill.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I’d had enough…

“Why don’t you pickle someone your own size?” I shouted.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large that he was able to turn it into a house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damaged his actual home…

Now he’s in a real pickle.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

Staff note (Greg Martin) :

Dear God, there are a lot of pickle jokes out there....
but as a staff member I am forced to stop myself from posting more.
(but I won't stop anyone else)

Staff note (Jay Angler) :

How can I resist an invitation like that?

 
Jay Angler
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What does it take for a cucumber to become a pickle?


A jarring experience.

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Jay Angler
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For mature audience only...

What do you call a pickled deer

A dill doe

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Jay Angler
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What's a pickle's favorite game show?


Let's Make A Dill

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Jay Angler
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I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...
I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it. Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle. When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed. Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.

I just never saw what the big dill was.

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John F Dean
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I have a real problem with authority. No one does what I tell them.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Lettuce Romain Calm !!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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Amazingly, my great aunt tried to warn everyone the Titanic would sink.  She told the employees, the management, and even everyone as they bought tickets.  No one paid any attention to her.  Finally, they kicked her out of the movie theater.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Dennis Barrow
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Monsters don't like to eat ghosts............

Because they taste like sheet.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
John F Dean
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I live near a very small community, but we do have a library.  I spent some time in it looking for a book on the Jurassic period.  I found nothing.  I went to the librarian for her recommendation for a book, author, anything.... She told me to try Sarah Topps.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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My wife and I have been together for 47 years.  And just think, for 47 years I have been in love with the same woman.   I can’t believe my wife has never found out.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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My cousin was a playwright , he was always making a scene.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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I posted elsewhere that I was having pain in my shoulder.  When my knee began to become sore, I made an appointment with my physician.  After much poking and prodding he sat down and quietly stared at his computer screen.  After an eternity of silence I broke down and asked him, “ How do I stand.”  He quietly muttered back “That is what I am trying to figure out.”

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
John F Dean
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The other night I was at a bar and a man there was hopelessly drunk.  I offered him a ride home, and he took me up on it.  He fell several times on the way to my car.  When we reached his home, he fell getting out of the car.  He fell a few more times walking up to his house.  When his wife answered the door, she asked, “Where is his wheel chair?”

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Jay Angler
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Did you hear about the arborist who was wrongly accused of stealing a tree?


Someone planted the evidence on his property.

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Jay Angler
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Why is it so difficult to run a tree care company?


Because every employee acts like a branch manager.

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Jay Angler
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.

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Jay Angler
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A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the Rabbit what he would like.
The Rabbit replies, "I don't know - I'm only here because of auto-correct."

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John F Dean
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I just read where a man was arrested for stealing several inflatable dolls.  Fortunately, the police had no problem catching him.  He was completely out of breath.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Anne Miller
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Invasive plants are Earth's way of insisting we notice her medicines. Stephen Herrod Buhner
Everyone learns what works by learning what doesn't work. Stephen Herrod Buhner

 
John F Dean
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My tiny community is trying to pass some silly ordinance prohibiting males from wearing their pants too low.  Fortunately, it is meeting a good deal of opposition from the plumbers union.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
Thomas Copley
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I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
You probably never heard of herbivore.
 
John F Dean
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My daughter told me she was tired of babysitting my grandkids.

I want to be 15 again …so I can ruin my life differently.

 
J.B. Wells
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Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Did you know you can wear a canoe as a hat?

When it is tipped over it is cap-sized.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
See Hes
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A common English joke about us Germans, so old but still asked many times.

How many Germans you need to change a light bulb?

my response:

Only ONE, we Germans are efficient and have no sense of humor.

In modern times the only right way forward is to come back to nature.

 
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What did the big flower say to the little flower?

What’s up, bud?!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Why do plants use photosynthesis?
So they can have a light snack

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
Dennis Barrow
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Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

 
J.B. Wells
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Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
 
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