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jokes

 
John F Dean
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I just invented a new word!!! PLAGIARISM

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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Speaking of such, I taught part-time at the college level for 15 years.  I had a student turn in a paper that looked familiar.  You see, my wife has a different last name than mine.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Mike Haasl
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Two penguins were paddling a canoe up a dry stream bed in Arizona.

One said to the other "Where's the paddle?"

"Sure does" said the other one.

(this joke works much better when spoken instead of written)
(spelling is this way to allow for the proper level of confusion)

I make a Maple Syrup instructional movie! Check it out HERE
SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
John F Dean
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Two friars open a flower shop to raise funds for their mission.  They are successful, but this causes problems for the other flower shops.  Every attempt they make to compete with the friars fails. Finally, in desperation, they hire a local thug, Hugh McTaggert. Without hesitation Hugh beats up the friars and trashes the flower shop.  The friars close down their business, and the other florists are releaved their competition is gone.  Which goes to prove, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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But, did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into the bra?

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Amy Francis
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Or did you hear about the person who had OCD and ADHD?

Everything has to be perfect...but not for very long...!

It is necessary, therefore it is possible.
(Borghese)

 
John F Dean
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I am really frustrated.   I went to the store yesterday to buy some camouflaged clothing.  When I got there, I didn't see any.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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At the hotel several participants from the Chess tournament were discussing their latest victories in the lobby.  After and hour of this, the manager threw them out.  He explained, " I just can't stand Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
paul wheaton
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight" the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"

 
John F Dean
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The invisible man and invisible woman got married.  Their kids weren't much to look at.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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Once again, I find myself frustrated.  I sent a different pun to ten of my friends hoping to get a laugh from at least one of them. No pun in ten did.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Tim Siemens
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Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?  The food is out of this world, but there's not much for atmosphere.

No man is an island.

 
Amy Francis
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A couple squabbling -

She tells him "You're just immature - period!"

He giggles...."you said period!"

It is necessary, therefore it is possible.
(Borghese)

 
Tim Siemens
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Do you know how you get the water in the watermelon?.... You plant it in the spring.

No man is an island.

 
John F Dean
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The first time my wife went into labor I was terrified.  She began screaming,  "couldn't, shouldn't, wouldn't...."  The doctor assured me that those were just contractions.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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When  God made woman he considered giving her apostrophes instead of periods.  Then he realized she would only be more possessive and have too many contractions.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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A friend just texted me:

Every week day grandma would get on the van to the Senior Citizens Center.  To show her appreciation she would hand the driver a zip lock bag of peanuts.  The driver, at first appreciated them, but eventually grew tired of them.  One day he told her that there was no need to be so generous. "Oh, that's ok", she replied, " They would just go waste.  I don't have any teeth and can only suck the chocolate off of them."

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Marie Grace
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What goes vrooom uurrchh vroom uurrchh vroom uurchh?

A light-haired person driving through a blinking red light.

by the way, I am a light-haired person.
 
Mike Feddersen
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Dale Hodgins wrote:I was listening to the radio and someone mentioned getting out of the rat race. It occurred to me that rats set their own hours and aren't really part of that race.

I had my wife draw the cartoon below. I think my words need to go in a little caption thing or maybe it's called a word bubble to show what the rat is thinking.

Maybe he needs a briefcase or something else to indicate that he quit a job. Cartoon animals often have jobs usually reserved for humans. :-)

Screenshot_20200316-171329.png
[Thumbnail for Screenshot_20200316-171329.png]
Screenshot_20200316-171308.png
[Thumbnail for Screenshot_20200316-171308.png]
Screenshot_20200316-170954.png
[Thumbnail for Screenshot_20200316-170954.png]
Screenshot_20200316-170807.png
[Thumbnail for Screenshot_20200316-170807.png]
 
John F Dean
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I got in trouble once in the 5th grade.  The teacher told me I would never get anywhere in life because I procrastinate too much.  I told her, "Just you wait!"

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I stopped at the library to get a book on paranoia.  The librarian whispered to me that they were right behind me.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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I have an Epi Pen.  A woman gave it to as she was dying from a bee sting.  It seemed really important to her that I have it.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Dave Gamper
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Two cows are having a chat over a fence. The first says "I'm really afraid of this mad cow disease, the second replies "I wouldn't worry it doesn't effect us ducks"
 
John F Dean
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Did you hear about the blonde who died while ice fishing? She was run over by a Zamboni.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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When I finally got out to do some shopping,  someone broke in my car and stole my anti-depressants.   I hope he's happy!

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Amy Francis
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They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."   (A Tim Vine oneliner)

It is necessary, therefore it is possible.
(Borghese)

 
John F Dean
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with his pencil.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
John F Dean
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The average human has one breast and one testicle.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

 
Greg Martin
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Greg Martin wrote:I thought I'd give being a mime a try but was told I wasn't cut out for it.  

I asked if it was something I said.  

They said yes.



When I told my friends about this they were very surprised we had a mime school nearby.

I said "Yeah, they've been having trouble getting the word out".

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Mike Haasl
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32% of all statistics are made up on the spot

I make a Maple Syrup instructional movie! Check it out HERE
SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Mike Haasl
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I didn't say half the things they say I did on the internet

- Abraham Lincoln

I make a Maple Syrup instructional movie! Check it out HERE
SKIP books, get 'em while they're hot!!! Skills to Inherit Property
See me in a movie building a massive wood staircase:Low Tech Lab Movie

 
Greg Martin
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Due to the quarantine I'll only be telling inside jokes.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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I like telling Dad jokes.  Sometimes he laughs!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg!

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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This one isn't a joke....my employer has had me working from home for this past week.  Can you tell it's getting to me a bit from those last 3 jokes???

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Pearl Sutton
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Why can't Cinderella play soccer?


She always runs away from the ball.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
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Why is Cinderella such a lousy football player?


Because she has a pumpkin for a coach.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
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Why did Captain Hook cross the road?


To shop at the second-hand store.

Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
Pearl Sutton
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Why did the angry Jedi cross the road?


To get to the Dark Side


Gardens in my mind never need water
Castles in the air never have a wet basement
Well made buildings are fractal -- equally intelligent design at every level of detail.
Bright sparks remind others that they too can dance
What I am looking for is looking for me too!

 
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