jokes

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."
I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

I am kind of proud that I do 10 sit-ups every morning . I know it doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times I can hit the snooze button.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner, but realized

I only had a croc pot..............

Did you know!

Every 60 seconds in Africa............ a second passes.

Is you bike still for sale?

Yes it is.

What's the lowest you'll go on it?

2 MPH.  Anything lower than that and you will tip over.

I had the rudest, nastiest and slowest cashier today!

I am done with using the self-checkout lane!!

In Springfield, IL today a courtroom artist was arrested. Details are sketchy.

A vegan said to me that people that sell meat are disgusting.

I said people that sell fruit and veggies are grocer.

I just realized that our little toe is specifically designed to insure that all our our furniture is in place.

Sherlock holmes and watson are walking down fisherman's wharf.
Something goes squish and holmes looks down. "It appears we may have stepped into something."
"Holy mackerel!" Says Watson "looks like something fishy afoot!"
Holmes replies, "no,no.  I think it may be a red herring."

Why shouldn’t you go into the jungle at 4pm?
Because that‘s when the elephants jump down from the plum trees.

Why do elephants have small blue eyes?
So that they can hide in plum trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a plum tree?
See, that proves how well the camouflage works.

Why are crocodiles so flat?
Because they didn’t listen and went into the jungle at 4pm.

Dad, what kind of Berry is that?
Dad: "It's a blackberry."
Then why is it red?
Dad: "Because it's still green."

Oldies, but goodies:

Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

When I got up this morning,  I put on my jeans, boots, and Stetson. Then I realized it  .... I was Ranch Dressing

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Last night my wife crawled into bed with me and told me she'd do anything for a new cashmere sweater," the guy says. "So I asked, "Anything?' nudge nudge wink wink?", and she replied "ANYTHING!"
"Wow!" the bartender replies. "What did you do?"
"I told her to learn how to knit."

My uncle told me a story about how he survived being chased by a lion for about 10 miles.

He said when he saw the lion he started running toward the village at full speed. After around a mile, he looked back and the lion, who was just a few feet away from him, slipped all of sudden. This allowed him to get ahead again.
After around another mile he looked back and the lion, who was closing the distance, slipped once again.
This kept happening until he reached the village. And that's how he survived the lion chasing him for 10 miles.

"Wow uncle!! You are great. If I was in your position I would have peed myself!"

"Why do you think the lion kept slipping?!"

A band of adventurers accept a quest, to slay the Ork King.
Before heading out to fight the Ork King, they head to town to hire a mercenary to join them.
The first one they talk to is a swordsman, who asks for 1000 gold to join them.
The second is an archer, who wants 2000 gold for her services.
The last one is a spearman, who is willing to do it just for the experience...

...He's a freelancer.

Hugh Laurie tells it better than I can:

Some people eat snails.

They must not like fast food.

(in honour of Kola getting off the sick list)

Why are goats from France so musical?

Because they have French horns.


Why did the goat run off a cliff?

Because it didn’t see the ewe-turn.


What do you call a goat who works in a donut shop?

A battering ram.

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. The genie clicks his fingers, and *pouf*, the goat is now a man.

After his transformation, the man is so grateful to the genie, he asks, "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; and care like no man has cared before. The man obliges.

Over the years, he works many jobs. He finds himself becoming depressed with the monotony that he has come to know.

Finally, he decides to go back to his roots and do what he knows. He becomes a farmer. With the money he has accumulated from his many professions, he buys a large farm where he decides to take in unwanted and ill animals. Goats (obviously), pigs, cows, cats, dogs, and various other animals. He cares for them. He comes to know and understand them. He has a deep connection with them.

One day, a woman brings her dog to the man's farm. She is worried about the dog. She says ever since the dog's sibling died, he hasn't seemed right. The man agrees to take the dog and care for it. He knows the other animals will comfort it and the dog will enjoy his new family.

The woman comes to visit the dog regularly. She becomes familiar with all of the other animals on the farm, and most of all the man. They spend hours together each visit. Talking and taking care of the animals together. Hours turn to days. Days to weeks.

The man asks the woman to live with him and his animals. The woman obliges. They are in love. They are truly happy.

The genie comes to the man one night in his dreams. The genie says to the man, "You have lived like no other man; you have loved like no other man; and you have cared like no other man. You have done well."

The man wakes up the next morning and he doesn't feel well. He can't explain it, but something's not right. weeks go by and the man's condition seems to worsen. His doctors cannot explain his rapidly deteriorating health.

The woman is always by his side when she's not caring for his animals. The woman's dog sleeps at the foot of his bed. Never leaving.

At last, it seems like he cannot hold on for much longer. He's barely about to speak at this point. He motions for the woman to come near. He says to her, "Do you want to know why I fell in love with you all those years ago? Do you want to know why I love you more and more every day?"

She says, "Yes, my love, tell me."

With his final breath, he tells her,

"Because you make me feel like a kid again."

A lumberjack bashed in my fender with his axe handle.

But I'm not mad.

It was only an axie-dent.

A man moves to a small town in the Great North Woods to pursue his dream of becoming a great North Woodsman.

On the night of his arrival, the town council summons him, places a bottle of whiskey in front of him and explains that, in order to be accepted into Woodsman society, he must pass a ceremonial ritual. Before the sun rises, he must 1) Drink a bottle of whiskey, 2) Wrestle a grizzly bear, and 3) Make love to a woman.

The man laughs and says "well then, first the whiskey!" He upends and drinks the entire bottle in a flash. Shouting "now for the bear!", he runs out the door and vanishes into the darkness.

The night passes. With only minutes to go until sunrise, the man returns. His clothes are in shreds and he is bleeding from countless bites and claw wounds. "Alright!" he shouts, "where's this damned woman you want me to wrestle?"

A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come and leave money in it’s place. Whereupon the little girl says, all 5 years old and cocky:
“I know all about that doctor! As a matter of fact, I know what the tooth fairy looks like!”
The dentist asked “You do?”
She said “I sure do, I’ve seen her!”
The dentist replied “You have?”
She giggled “You bet! Do you wanna know what the tooth fairy looks like?”
The dentist nodded his head and she motioned him closer and she whispered “She looks just like my momma, only naked!”

You know the story of the ugly duckling?


It's a pretty fowl story

Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs?


It's a long tail.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?


It gets toad away.

I have a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.

But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours.

So they decided to call it a day.

Adultery is a sin. You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

There's a little known fact about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave, planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.

This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2350, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing persons reports in the area around the cave. A perimeter was quickly set up and a task force dispatched on an expedition into the cave.

Recovered footage from the expedition show the entrance expanding out into a sprawling cave system, now populated with hundreds upon thousands of ducks. Generations of in-breeding and cannibalism had caused the ducks to be hideously mutated, now twice the size of a human and wielding rudimentary tools and weapons. Also they had split into factions, incessantly fighting and devouring one another. Shortly after this discovery, the task force was attacked by the mutant ducks and wiped out.

A lone member of the task force managed to escape the massacre and crawl all the way back to the cave entrance, where he was retrieved. When debriefed on what he had seen, he managed to say this before dying from his injuries:


"In the Grimm duck-nests of the far future, there is only war."

Me:  I have pen that can write underwater.

Friend:  That's amazing!

Me:  I know, right?  I can write other words also.

Beer doesn't ask silly questions.

BEER UNDERSTANDS!

When is the Employee Christmas Party for self checkout at Walmart?

I bought a little bag of air today.

The company that made is was kind enough to put a few potato chips in it.

Jay Angler wrote:What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

What happens when a frog tries to walk by a toad bar at closing time?

Two artists got into a fight, yet neither managed to win....
it was a draw.