jokes

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only 1, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

I once overheard the following hilarious exchange between two guys I know.

The first guy, who is a braggart and a jerk, said: "I've got this great new job.

I've got over a hundred guys under me."

The second guy, who is a complete smart-aleck, quickly replied with: "What, are you mowing lawns at a cemetery?"

Just so everyone is clear.........

I am going to put my glasses on.

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament.  Good players are hard to find...

The Proton of a Hydrogen atom finds the electron missing. So it goes to lodge an FIR at the police station.

Policeman: Where did you last spot him?

Proton: I don't know sir. I was measuring its speed, so I'm not sure about its position. Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle you know!

A traveling salesman, caught in a torrential rainstorm, stopped overnight at a farmhouse. In the morning, he looked out on a flood coursing through the front yard. He watched pieces of fence, chicken coops, branches, and an old straw hat floating past with the current. Then he saw the straw hat come back, upstream past the house! Then he saw it go down again. Pretty soon it came back upstream—and by now the salesman wondered if he had gone crazy. Finally he called the farmer’s daughter.

“Oh,” she said, after a glance out the window, “that must be Grandpa. He said yesterday that in spite of hell or high water he was going to mow the yard today.”

I was going to make a joke up about carpentry, but I can't think of any that wood work.

Late last fall, the Natives on the Aamjiwnaang Nation reservation in Grand Bend, Canada, asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold, and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

Being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He called the Canada Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’ ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the Canada Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ ‘Yes,’ the man at Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the Canada Weather Service once more. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Natives are collecting one Hell-of-a-lot of firewood.”

When the couple fell in love, they carved their initials into a tree. After they got married, they added a year. And for each kid, they carved their initials. Then one day, while the couple went camping, the tree fell over and flattened their tent, which goes to show, karma’s a birch.

An environmentalist friend of mine told me I should buy organic because it’s sustainable.
I looked at my bank account, and I really disagree.
(Upjoke)

I witnessed one of my students pick up a calf’s tail and immediately kiss the calf directly under the base of the tail.
I asked, “What are you doing that for?”
“I’ve got chapped lips,” was his reply.
“Well, that won’t cure them,” I said sternly.
“No, sir, but it keeps me from licking them.”
(The Farming Joke Book)

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
(AgDaily)

How did the organic vegetable die?
Natural causes.
(Upjoke)

What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?”
(Huffington Post)

Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.
(Garden Digest)

If you pickle a loaf of bread, is it a dill-dough?
(Scoop Whoop)

What did the sunflower say when her BFF reached 5 feet tall?

"You grow, girl!"

What's the fiercest type of flower?

A Dandelion

What do you call a pig in a pine tree (besides "not ok")?

A porkypine!

Why can’t you run through a campsite?

You can only ran, because its past tents.

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

Two koalas go camping together.

One of them gets hungry and decides to chuck some gum leaves and twigs into the frying pan for a feed.

The other sees this and snatches them off the sizzle whilst saying,  "Are you crazy? This is a non-stick pan."

I went to a psychic the other day.  I knew they were a fraud when they took my check.

What is a spider’s favourite camping activity?

Fly fishing

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as firewood so his wife and children could stay warm. Everyday, starting at 4am and ending 10pm, Ivan would leave his home and begin chopping down every tree he came across. He would then haul the trees back home where he would chop them into firewood.

It was hard work, and didn’t leave him much time with his family. However Ivan didn’t mind it too much because he was rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardships.

Ivan’s work routine went along uninterrupted for a few years, until one day Russian government officials showed up at Ivan’s home. They were mad at Ivan for chopping down a large portion of the Siberian Forest, a natural beauty that is loved by the entire country. They demanded that Ivan stopped chopping down the forest so that Russia could continue to boast the region’s vast beauty.

Ivan was not intimidated by the Russian government, after all he was rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardships. So Ivan continued his routine of chopping down more and more of the forest.

The same government officials came back a month later, this time with a squad of Russian soldiers. They were furious that Ivan didn’t follow their command, and wanted to punish him for his actions against the state. So at gun point, Ivan was drafted into the Russian navy, where he would be far away from his wife, children, and the Siberian forest.

This punishment was severe, and very painful for Ivan. He would no longer be able to care for his family, and being at sea made him feel uneasy. But he didn’t try to get out of his punishment for he was rough, tough, hard to bluff and extremely used to hardships. He just wanted to serve his time in the navy and then go back to his family.

Ivan was assigned to a large battleship, and was posted to an observations chair on the ship’s tallest mast. The waters he patrolled were rough, and Ivan would get very seasick from the ship constantly swaying side to side.

One day, Ivan’s battleship was caught in a terrible storm that caused everyone on board to panic. The ship rocked violently in all directions, but Ivan refused to leave his post on the mast. He held on as tightly as he could until a giant wave smashed against the side of the ship, and Ivan was thrown from his post to the deck below.



Ivan’s body had made a large crater in the battleship’s hull, causing massive damage. All of Ivan’s comrades on board saw the crater with Ivan at the center, and immediately assumed the worst. Then suddenly, Ivan stood up and climbed out of the crater, leaving all the sailors around him in disbelief.

“Ivan! How could you have survived a fall from that height?”

“It was nothing comrades, I am rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hard ships.”

What did the turkey say to the hunter on Thanksgiving day?

Quack, quack!

How do you judge a bush campsite? –

By its facilitrees

What do you get if you come in fourth at the National Weatherman Awards?

A precipitation trophy.

How do thunderstorms invest their money?

In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets.

As I sat quietly drinking my coffee this morning, I wondered why i wasn’t in a mental institution. Then, with the second cup, I started to wonder if I already am.

I thought I was having paranormal experiences in my house.
Was told to burn sage to cleanse the home.
I did.
I also woke up outside this morning.

What do you call two primates sharing an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

"May ya live as long as ya want, and not want for as long as ya live" is an Irish Toast.

"Bread, eggs, cinnamon and maple syrup" is a French Toast.

Where do generals keep their armies?

In their sleevies.

Did you know??

Scuba divers roll out of boats backwards, because if they rolled forwards they would just roll into the boat.

Don't throw false teeth at your vehicle.

You might denture car.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie,
  that's amore.

When an eel bites your thigh and you bleed out and die,
  that's a moray.

When your smashed with a jug in a South Aukland pub,
  that's a Maori.

When you see a big boat tied up with a rope,
  that's a mooring.

When you wake up and it's bright because it's no longer night,
  that's the morning.

My wife said i never listen to her,
or something like that.

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice.